


A Tragedy Told In Metals: Gold & Lead

by cronaisawriter



Series: A Tragedy Told In Metals [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Female Character, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Chronic Illness, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Female Tony Stark, Gay Male Character, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Iron Man 1, Maria Stark's A+ Parenting, Multi, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Iron Man 1, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Protective Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Protective Pepper Potts, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, T'Challa (Marvel) Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Trauma, technically a cliffhanger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:36:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 86,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18637351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cronaisawriter/pseuds/cronaisawriter
Summary: Toni Stark from day one was expected to be everything everyone wanted but never asked what she wanted, always touched by those around her but never with love. The world was on fire with secrecy, loss, deceit, hate and pain.Toni Stark, however, is a PheonixPlaylist(youtube)playlist (Spotify)





	1. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs: Child abuse, domestic violence, kidnapping  
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Chapter Songs: 1-2

Antonia Elena Stark was born not breathing. Her face was purple and red she wouldn’t cry. There were a few silent moments as the doctor looked her over but then she started to scream and cry and could be given into the arms of her parents. Howard Stark grinned at the child holding her as Maria stark smiled sweaty and tired but still happy. In those first moments it seemed Howard, Maria and Antonia could be a family, and maybe for a bit they even were.

 

Howard Stark, as much of the media noted, was much too old to be having kids, at sixty-nine years old. Of course the same people had been scandalized at his marriage to a woman thirty-three years younger in the first place and of course, they had let that pass. Howard Stark was a war hero. He was the apple of many a media women’s eye and it helped he looked like a man at least two decades younger. Howard gave to all the right charities so the public let everything slide.

In a less public manner, his creation of SHIELD and continuous help and arming of others allowed an ignoring of indiscretions. He learned to make all the right powerful people like him. And anyone else who mattered could be bought. When your money made you friends with the Waltons anyone and everyone was a dollar sign.

 

Of course, It didn’t much matter by this point that no one really knew him, and the few that did wished they didn’t. His breath smelled a bit too much like whisky, his hands hit the table a little too loudly. his jokes were a bit too cruel. Howard never did spare his family, but of course, that was what happened behind the curtain.

Maria Stark was a press darling everyone was a fan of her charity work. Every kids' charity in existence she was a part of in some way.  She had even made herself more than her label as an illegal or wetback or other derogatory terms they came up with. Maria had made her El Salvadoran heritage exotic and her accent ‘sexy’ instead of ‘uneducated’ sold out her history to get by. It helped that she could play to a crowd if she felt like, to the unobservant she was deeply devoted to Howard, proud of her new baby girl and incredibly happy. But anyone who took the time could see there was often something way too vacant in the eyes. 

## ~~~~~

Antonia was two and already surpassed pretty much every benchmark. She was a genius no one was surprised really. The worrying part was that as smart as she was five times as hyper, never not getting into trouble. Howard never had time for it working too much, Maria found reading to Antonia was the only way to calm her down but some days she just left Antonia in Jarvis’s or his Wife Anna’s arms and went to “decompress” whatever that meant.

 

When Antonia was three she was kidnapped. They held her for forty-eight hours. The men wanted money so Howard paid and Antonia came home a nervous wreck couldn’t sleep for months. Antonia was Nervous and shy, Howard rolled his eyes having a child is e such work, apparently, even have to keep her from being unceremoniously murdered.

 

Even at three, this experience made Antonia learn the most powerful thing she could do was hold her breath try and be silent, try and be still just look at the stars. Imagine what life could be away from here.

## ~~~~~

The first memory Antonia would really recall is standing in her father's study four years old beaming with a circuit board in her hands. Howard had looked at her annoyed,

“What is this Antonia?” He growled.

“It’s a circuit board?” She said,

“Why is it here?”

“I thought you would like it.”

He looked it over and sighed, “Very nice child. But it’s hardly really impressive.”

He knocked it to the ground. Antonia Looked up at him.

She tired a few times after that, but it was always the same. Never really impressed, not what he really wanted, not that she even knew what that was.

Her mom took some interest in her little girl, but somehow it never lasted it was somehow empty and Maria always had somewhere else to go. Antonia quickly learned the person who was always there was Jarvis, the family butler. He understood that she still cried when someone locked the door. When Maria got bored, or Howard was gone he would talk to her. Jarvis always left the blinds open so she could see the stars.

 

“Look a shooting star!” Antonia said one night.

“That’s a comet. Way out there in space, they travel around for centuries.”

“I wish I could fly in space,” Antonia said curling into her covers, ready to dream of flying bright red on fire.

 

## ~~~~~

 

Howard Stark was never impressed by Antonia. Or maybe he was because at five years old she was a second grader.

She came home crying one day. Her mother had come running up to her asked her what was wrong. Antonia told her how the kids were making fun of her. Telling her she was too small too smart too strange. Her mom had consoled her. Promised to make calls.

A few days later Antonia came in again tears covering her face she made her way to her mother's room. She seems on edge, but Antonia told her what happened.

“Antonia we already talked about that. It's dealt with.”

“They still pick on me,” She said her heart beating too fast at the thought of the boy tossing her stuff across the room.

“Don’t give them a reaction, it's what they want. Don’t let them see you upset.”

“I want it to stop!”

“Dear look. We deal. That’s what we do. ” She said each syllable clear. Antonia stared wide-eyed at her mom her stomach falling to her feet.

 

While it hurt she figured her mom knew best. Her dad was always getting mad at her Mommy, he said mean things and got loud. A few times even got so mad he hit her hard, even the jerks at school never did that. But she just got through it, so Antonia should deal with mean kids, be like her mom. Though she did wish the kids at school would say sorry, her dad always did.

 

Antonia watched movies and TV, lots of it. A perk of being rich was her dad could get his hand on pretty much any movie or tv show. Antonia was obsessed with anything Sci-Fi especially if it was in the future. Howard liked them too, but he always said it wasn’t actually possible and got mad at Star Trek for being ‘utopian’. Antonia looked that up and discovered it meant ‘ modelled on or aiming for a state in which everything is perfect; idealistic.’ Antonia didn’t know what was wrong with that.

 

Antonia figured almost anything had to be better than feeling so alone. She’d even fight the Borg.

 

## ~~~~~

 

At six Antonia Already had a lot of Captain America comics on her shelf and figures and posters and a book of Howling Commando battle strategies. Her father seemed to really enjoy giving Captain America things as presents. He was a hero Antonia surmised, she liked the stories fine, but she didn’t really get it.

 

Her dad got wistful when it involved Captain America talking about things were better back then, and no one not even Antonia made him as proud as he was of Captain America

 

Antonia’s ambivalence changed though when Ms Carter brought a vintage Bucky Bear with her on one visit. Ms Carter was old and she had what Jarvis called ‘old fashion class’ and what Antonia thought had to be magic. Every time she moved it was like she was gliding. She had what seemed to Antonia like invisible armour. Anytime Howard or anyone else tried to make her upset it would just bounce off, she would smile this sharp smile and keep going. Never showed her emotions when people hurt her.

 

This particular night was special she came to Antonia's room after a meeting. A bear was placed in Antonia's arms it was exciting he was soft and warm from being held. Ms Carter sat real close and leaned on the headboard.

“Antonia you know I think your very impressive.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“You’re incredibly smart and you go to the school with all kids bigger than you.”

“They don’t like me, and I get scared.”

“You know Steve was small as a kid.”

“Really?”

“Yeah the smallest kid in class. Never stopped him though he got what he wanted, beat the Bullies back.” Mrs Carter explained

“Even when they made him scarred?” Toni said softly looking away.

“Yup even when he was scared, even more, if the bad guys were scaring other people. Steve knew that being afraid should never stop you, you have to be stronger than that.”

Antonia thought about that, She got a bit distracted  looking at the bear fingering the dog tags around her bear's fuzzy neck.”Why is it Bucky Bears not a James Bear?”

“Because that’s what Steve called him. A nickname. It’s a fun name, usually short.”

Antonia thought that sounded good. She hated hearing Ms Carter call her Antonia, Jarvis too. She always heard it in her Parents voice. “Can I have one?”

“Sure, how about Toni?”

“Okay,” Toni said hugging the bear to her chest.

“Call me Peggy, Aunt Peggy if you like.”

Toni nodded, she decided she liked aunt Peggy, and Steve too. She wanted to be brave and strong even while terrified.


	2. Even While Terrified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Child abuse, domestic violence, unintentional ableism, kidnapping, panic attacks, & grooming 
> 
> Check out the playlist for this story:
> 
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs 3 through 5 fit this chapter.

When Toni was seven years old she found herself in her father’s office. she looked at his face he looked so scary framed in the backlight of the window. Toni babbled to him about something to do with an idea about smaller processor chips.

“Antonia!” He shouted her name then his voice got very tired, “You seem to think I care what you theorize. If you don’t actually do something useful what is the point, you have to be productive get it? Every day.”

Toni was shocked. The dismissal was normal, she expected it. But yelling was usually only for her mother and sometimes Jarvis. But she just nodded. And that was the norm after that. Apparently, Toni thought now she must be old enough to handle it. She just had to work harder so he wouldn’t have a reason to yell.

Her mother was never the same day to day. Some days she would hold Toni tell her stories, tell her about her family, let Toni tell her about whatever science thing she was into. They would watch crap tv and eat food, not on a diet plan. Other days she was cold and didn’t talk at all. Then there were the nights her mother would cry and yell and cry. But after the crying stopped she put her makeup back on. Fixed her hair, and smiled. “Sorry Antonia bad day sweetheart.”

The only thing that stayed the same was a small bracelet it was made of some cheap alloy metal that isn't even shiny anymore, it had a small bead with the word home on it it was from her parents the only thing she still held on to from her childhood. She never took it off and Toni always held in her hands the days her mom remembered children liked to be held. The bracelet was special, one constant thing.

That year was also Toni’s second Kidnapping well one where they actually got her long enough to seek a ransom. They wanted weapons. Toni had found herself in one of the family cars but Jarvis was not driving. She had screamed to stop but they had never listened. They took her a warehouse and tied her down. Toni was never able to get a real breath in no matter how much air she sucked in the whole time. It hurt her chest too much. But Toni had also been quiet and still so they ignored her. The kidnapper's talked about how they wanted to bomb Congress and other important people.

When they finally put her back in the car and took her home Toni after what she later learned was four days she had been in darkness the light all seemed too bright. Toni was allowed to see a therapist for a few months after that. Her father seemed genuinely pleased Toni had paid attention to what the terrorist said, all plots were stopped.

 

“You were just like Captain Rogers. Helping get the bad guys, just like we do” Howard said.

That made Toni blush, she had finally done something good.

That didn’t last though

One day Toni had come to them and she started to cry she didn’t want to be in the dark anymore. Her father had rolled his eyes “turn the light on for now?”

“I'll come to lay with you now,”  her mother said, “But sweetheart you have to grow out of it.”

 

The lesson her parents wanted to teach was clear, no matter how much you hurt you just move on. You shut it down. But she couldn't, Toni didn’t know how. So she cried. She cried when her dad ignored her. She cried when her friends broke her things. But she did it in her room with the door shut.

Sometimes Jarvis would come in and he would sit next to Toni bring her candy he’d ruffle her hair and let her cry. Ana Jarvis would even send over baked goods for Toni when she was having particularly bad weeks.

One day the sound of the locking door sent shivers down her spine. Her breathing caught and her hands shook. Curled halfway on the floor her breath never reached her lungs.

“Toni” Jarvis said keeling down.

“Jarvis” Toni huffed out between gasps.

“Your okay, you’re safe here. It’s okay”

“Mhmm” Toni nodded.

“Breath deep with me okay, come on, that's it”

Toni breathed eventually it reached her for lungs real, she didn’t feel better just exhausted.

“You're okay. Just a bit of shell shock, you’ll be fine.”

Toni just nodded.

## ~~~~~

When Toni was eight Maria’s episodes started. They were super scary because nothing Toni said her mom really seemed to hear. She would ramble about things, and run around and seemed really excited about things but Toni couldn’t really follow. Most of the time Jarvis would let her leave and he would handle it. Her dad never helped when it happened it was Toni’s job to “deal with your mother’.

 

“Young miss, she is ill,” Jarvis said sighing for the second time that month he had to try and convince Toni it was okay when it wasn’t. Jarvis wanted to try and convince Maria to get help but he knew she never would. He looked at Toni who looked too tired for eight.

“I know,” Toni said staring at Jarvis wishing he could make it all go away.

 

One of the episodes that could never leave Toni or Jarvis’s mind was when Toni had found herself pinned to the bed by a pillow shoved into her chest. It didn’t matter when she said stop or how she wiggled her mom wouldn’t let her up. Toni had smiled though because her mom was trying to be nice of course, she just didn’t understand that it hurt Toni. At least that’s what she told herself over and over, her mom didn’t know so it was okay.

 

Toni had to start going to all the garden teas, the parties and the holiday balls for the whole time now. She used to get to leave partway through with Jarvis but now she had to stand around smiling watching the dizzying display of fancy dresses and handshakes. Her Father would discuss business deals and Her mom would laugh funny. Whenever Toni came up they said how bright she was and how she looked just like her father but cuter, then they would do that funny again.

 

The worst part of the parties was her mom looked fake like she had painted on a new person made of sharp edges and red lips, none of the good parts of her mom left. The only real thing was the bracelet all cheap metal and scuff marks.

 

Toni also mastered the skills of eavesdropping this year. There were two ways you could do this. One was to let people forget you were in the room, this was most effective when the other people had been drinking. The other was to stand to the side of a door, then you could hear but the didn’t know you could. This is how she learned that Peggy was part of a group called SHIELD, another was that her Father made bombs that had accidentally killed a bunch of kids. Toni had to admit she didn’t like the idea of dead kids much.

 

## ~~~~~

 

When Toni turned nine the went on a trip to tour Stark Factories. Toni was in love with all the machines. They whipped around in circles assembling all kinds of tech. She liked to watch the techs as they went over every inch of the new products, or read the formulas behind different types of plastics and alloys.

 

Seeing new places was also cool, she had been on vacations before but they usually to other Stark houses. This time she got to go to huge hotels in all kinds of places. The crowds were a lot but it was so cool to be in the thick of life.

 

The worst part of all of this was her father's business partners. Toni decided on this trip she didn’t much like the military, and that most men are just like her dad. One day she had been in a factory with her dad discussing some new weapon.

“You know when made the atom bomb I thought that would be the end to this General. But no! we keep having to fight forever”

“If you ever make that weapon we might not even need us anymore I’d be out of a job” The general joked.

“It’s sad that civilians must deal with the destruction, but collateral damage is what it is.”

The other military men nodded their heads. Toni felt ill how was it fair to kill people who had nothing to do with it. She understood her dad wanted what was best, but why did the have to hurt people.

One of the army men turned to face Toni. Her face went pale and eyes wide.

“Our talk scare you?” Army man asked.

Toni nodded.

“Yeah, I guess you’re just a little girl. You’ll get it one day. But for now, stay out of my goddamn way” The man shoved Toni aside and left with the door Toni had pinned herself against.

 

After they returned from the trip Toni followed Howard into his lab.

“Why are you killing innocent people?” Toni asked straight to the point.

“You wouldn’t understand. You have never seen a war child. You don’t know that we do what must be done.”

“But dad couldn’t we do something to help them without killing them!”

He raised his face from the papers he was reading eyes filled with anger.

“Look if you are really worth the gift you were given you would suck it up. You are no Stark if you are led by idealism. Life isn’t nice or fair, we have to be made of iron to rule it”

Toni looked blankly into his eyes. Toni decided he didn’t deserve a nickname. So from then on, he was just Howard.

 

Toni was glad that Aunt Peggy still came pretty frequently with her spy friends.  Every visit included new steve and bucky stories, Aunt Peggy always had gifts. Her armour fell when they sat in her room and looked at Aunt  Peggy’s journals or Toni told her about the kids harassing her at school. But Toni watched the armour rise when Aunt Peggy met Howard and any SHIELD people following her. Never let them see her break.

 

That summer Howard's’ business partner Obadiah Stane seemed to be an ever-present face in the mansion. He bought Toni lavish gifts. He even told her to call him Obie, inviting Toni to use a nickname which made her stomach do flips of excitement.

 

Between Obie and her mom someone who was now generally willing to pay attention to her. Which was new. Obie bought ice cream, and much to her Mother's disapproval they ate quite a bit of it. Obie told her she was beautiful, which made her blush. Anytime he was there he never yelled, he never checked out. He drank like Howard did but never got loud or mean. Toni even liked it when he called her Antonia. She lived for his visits as much as Peggy’s. She had hope, Maybe Obie would love her, all the time.

 

One night they were playing chess in one of the parlours. Music drifted from the walls and Maria hummed along with it.

“Check,” Antonia said with a smile

“You know Antonia?” Obie said

“What?”

“You may be better than Howard at this game.” He said “checkmate” and knocked his king over.

Toni smiled and flapped her hands up and down, then quickly stopped glancing around for Howard.

“You win honey?” Maria asked.

“Yes, mom,” Toni said.

“Good,” Maria said turning her gaze away.

Toni sighed She turned back to Obie her hair falling in front of her exasperated face.

He brushed it off softly. They both smiled Toni pressed her face into his hand. Warmth running through her at the kind touch.

## ~~~~~

The end of the school year when she was ten was one of the better ones. Toni had tried so hard to do everything right and it actually went okay. The classwork was easy. Howard did like this Straight-A report cards and suggestions at the end of the year to skip another grade got her a real smile that wasn’t followed by yelling for a whole day. Her mom bought her toys, and they weren’t even Captain America.

 

The third night of that summer her mom had a particularly bad episode rambling about scissors and yelling, trying to make Toni do something. Once she had finally gone to sleep. Antonia stood on the balcony outside her room her head burned but she also felt incredibly numb. She was ten and she was already so tired. A few days had been good and then this.

Jarvis came out He looked at her she was staring out into the long drive and ice burned in his heart. Toni’s slightly vacant eyes and nervous hands made her look much to like her mother. He cleared his throat and placed his hand on her shoulder she jumped.

“You were very brave Tonight young miss” he praised passing her a bag of Haribo Gummy bears.

“Yes, Jarvis.” She said.

He walked back inside.

She sat and ripped open the bag and placed one into her mouth she cried softly as she prayed for Steve to be found, maybe he could help her.

**~~~~~**

That December at school she was still majorly unpopular but at least they called her Toni or Stark now proving the kids actually listened to her and remembered what she said.

That day she sat humming at her desk when a tall boy a few years older sat on her desk, he was Tiberius Stone his dad built army things just like hers. He was super popular everyone wanted to be his friend.

“You the Stark girl right?” He said voice smooth.

“Yeah, what do you want?” Toni asked everyone at school hated her, why would he talk to her?

“Your father is very important.” He said.

“Yes,” She smiled as gracefully as she could trying to will him to go away.

“Well, I have to go to your Mother and Father’s Christmas ball.”

He dramatically rolled his eye Toni’s smile became more genuine at that gesture.

“I was wondering if you would be there. Your too young to do any side partying but my general crowd aren’t invited to this one.”

Toni scrunched her eyebrows confused,

“Aww don’t worry. I just want to know if you’ll hang with me, I doubt you actually enjoy these balls?”

“Course not.” She said.

“Well then, look for me around we can mock the silly ways the adults' act”

Toni felt excited he actually wanted to talk to her, maybe the ball wouldn’t suck.

 

The Christmas ball was generally a dull affair. But this year was much better. Obie had been there and had bought her earrings that glittered. Toni got dressed in a red dress her long hair was braided down her back. Her family smiled and looked as important and put together as possible. As her parents wined and dined their so-called friends.

 

Toni found her way over to Justin. He was watching the assembled people mill about.

“Want to guess how many of them are drunk or high already?” He said

“Sure.”

They spent the rest of the night together. Able to avoid total boredom by mocking the fancily dressed bores that populated these events.

At the end of the night, he sighed,

“I’ll tell people to back off you know? I only really have sway with some of the kids but it might help.”

“Thanks,” Toni said,

“It’s a shame if you were a little older ya know? But you too young for my kind of party.” He trailed after his parents who were shouting his name.

Toni smiled. She guessed she did look like a baby to a fifteen-year-old, but he was still impressed enough with her to do her a favour.

## ~~~~~

In late January Obie came to visit but the first night he went right to his room. Antonia was sulking in her room wondering why he ignored her this time, had she done something wrong?

Jarvis came in sat next to her on the bed.

“I am sorry young miss.” Jarvis breathed pulling a small box from his pocket

“For what?” Toni asked meeting his eyes.

“I’m not going to be able to save you.”

“From what?”

“I...” Jarvis started a sad smile crossing his face as he squeezed Toni’s shoulder unable to get the words out.

He opened the box and clasped a necklace around her neck. She held the charm it was a locket. Jarvis was holding her in his arms on one side and the other was Toni with her Bucky Bear. heat stung her eyes, she didn’t know what was wrong, but the fear choking her was strong.

“I love you.” He said and pat her head. He stood up to his full height looking down again at the poor child.

She nodded and stared at the floor. She wasn’t even sure when the tears started to fall, but Jarvis had never said he loved her before. She wanted to scream. She was so alone, even with the heart on top of hers the love seemed hollow. And she was filled with dread unbefitting for someone so small, the words were haunting ‘I’m not going to be able to save you.’ She went silent, too scared to move too scared to even breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The description of Maria Stark is based on my own life. I am not saying mental illness is bad or anything but parents who are mentally ill can do hurt their kids. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think?
> 
> Next chapter should be up in a few days


	3. Can’t Be Saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Sexual abuse of a minor, psychological/emotional child abuse, emotional neglect, domestic violence, vomiting, weight shaming, non-graphic rape, suicide attempt, mild period typical racism
> 
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs 6-10 apply to this chapter

The next day Obie invited her to his office. He gave her a hug as he lifted her onto his desk. She was happy for the attention then her whole world froze as his hand didn’t let go. They drifted all over her. Touching her places that felt wrong. He then kissed her lips like adults did with adults. They stayed staring at each other for a second.

 

“This is how I show my love to cute girls like you.”He said his hot breath in her ear.

Toni nodded breathing in harshly something felt wrong very wrong.

“Beautiful Antonia understand this is our secret okay?”  

Again Toni nodded

“Understand you are smart, but you aren’t Howard you never really get the business right. But you are quite good at this. This is a way you can show me how much you care about me. Something special just for us”

Toni Noded

“I have work to do now honey.”

 

Tears started to burn her eyes as she ran through the house avoiding her dad. She jumped into bed and hugged her Bucky bear to her chest. She glanced at a Capitan America poster over her bed. “You’ll save me.” She sobbed into her bears head. If Jarvis couldn’t it had to be Steve.

## ~~~~~

Toni was eleven and she was sitting on the table by the front door. According to her father, SHIELD agents were coming by, Aunt Peggy generally still came with them, even though she wasn’t official anymore. But Toni’s heart sank when the two men who came in were not Peggy. A tall black man with an eye patch she had never seen and Craig who had been Peggy’s official replacement.

 

Toni followed them through the house though.

 

She was a silent shadow. Being able to move quietly was important if you need to be invisible. But apparently she was doing badly that day as the tall black man kept glancing back at her, and she froze each time. Craig went into Howard’s study. The taller man huffed loudly when the door closed in his face.

 

“Hi,” He said turning to glare at Toni.

“Hi.”

“You're Antonia yes?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I’m Agent Fury.”

“Nice to meet you.”

He stuck his hand out to her she instinctively stepped back, but quickly corrected herself taking his hand. Fury pulled his hand back looking at her with a confused expression. Toni just ran away.

 

Less than a week later Fury was back he got in Howard's office this time but was kicked out not soon after. Toni watched him sit in the kitchen. She steeled herself.

 

“Mr, Agent Fury!” She said a little too loud.

He turned to her and raised an eyebrow.

“Where is my aunt Peggy?” She whispered.

“She has stopped her unofficial duties with SHIELD.” Fury said matter of fact.

“Is she dead?” Toni asked. Silently thinking why else would she stop coming to see her?

“No, but she has family and wanted to be with them.”

“Oh.”

Toni said trying best to pretend it didn’t sting, She couldn’t let him see she was hurt, she knew better. Rocked on her heels trying to prevent a breakdown, pushing her fingers into her palm.

 

The next week Obie was there for a whole ten days. Most days he would invite her in and he would show her he loved her. Toni decided that at least he was paying attention to her, even if she had nightmares, it was something. And he still played with her and told her she was beautiful. He loved her, wanted to be with her. Obie loved her. "He loves me" became a mantra in her head.

 

“Remember this is our secret?”

He whispered into her ear as Toni fixed her clothes. He ran his hand through her long dark hair.

“Of course Obie.”

“I love you so much, you’re helping me out by letting me make sure you know.”

“Okay. Love you too.” Toni walked back to her room. Nausea rolled through her Toni just wanted to stop feeling, stop feeling the headache, top feeling her body burn.

 

A little while later Fury was there again and he made it through the whole meeting and had drinks after. Toni skidded into the room.

“Dad!” She shouted, “One of your projects in the lab...It caught fire...I put it out but... I’m worried the others might burn.”

“Ugh. What did you do to it!” Howard yelled

“Nothing,” Toni said, her heart sank, immediately remembering why she had decided to call him Howard, she knew it was her fault but she couldn’t help but wish he would help her.

Toni took in a breath and looked back at the men. Toni and Fury locked eyes he clearly noticed the burn on Toni’s arm. She flushed tucking her arm behind her back.

 

“I'll check later see what you did. I’m having drinks with Agent Craig right now”

Toni sulked down to the lab. She jumped when the door clanged open. Turning to see Agent Fury looking at her with a kind of vaguely frustrated expression.

“The conversation wasn’t my speed.” He said simply.

Fury helped Toni clean up. Toni winced when her arm ran into the wall.

 

Toni took a break walking to the first aid kit she started to dress the burn but was struggling no matter how much practice she had fixing her own wounds working one handed still sucked.

Fury walked over, taking the kit balancing on Toni’s leg and made quick work of finishing the task. Lines crossed across his face showing his concentration, a break in his normal stone cold expression.

“Thanks, Agent Fury, but I do know how to do this, I was just being a bit slow”

“You don’t have to do it alone if someone is offering help.”

Toni couldn’t help but snort rolling her eyes.

“Hmm,” he said standing up.

“What's your full name?” Toni asked her face becoming serious.

“Agent Nicholas Fury.”

“Okay,” Toni said staring at him intently. She clapped her hands. “Nicky!” She shouted.

“Huh?”

“Aunt Peggy, Peggy is her nickname. Toni is my Nickname. You're nice so you need one too.”

“You can not call me Nicky.”

“I Won’t do it in front of my parents, or your boss or press or anybody.” She said attempting to sound calm and collected, really hoping he didn’t think she was weak.

 

Fury stared at Toni. Her eyes were glassy and round. Clothes slightly dishevelled and hands dirty from cleaning. She ran her arm under her nose with a big sniff. It was hard to not feel slightly sentimental. Her tone verged on begging and the trembling lip and scrunched hands were very pitiful. If she had a father who wasn’t Howard stark no one would ever say no to her with those big sad set of weapon-grade puppy dog eyes. Fury also knew she wanted his approval and felt a bit bad about that. People who knew that could use it as a vulnerability, hurt the kid.

 

Nick sighed a long breath, he’d break his own no name but Furry rule for this  girl with her stupid sad eyes “Okay Toni.”

“Thanks, Nicky.”

## ~~~~~

Toni was getting dressed one day when her mom came in and passed her a box of bras. Toni scrunched her nose.

“Look, sweetheart, you need these now.”

They sat down and Maria explained about  Puberty stuff to her daughter. Toni was smart enough, curious enough and had been with children much older than her long enough she knew all of this already. The idea of being older made her stomach turn. Beautiful and cute became hot and sexy, and she didn’t much like how boys act around hot girls.

 

Later that week after dinner Toni stood up. Her mother sighed and poked her stomach,

“You need to start doing sit-ups. Or something.”

 

Toni bit her tongue to stop from showing how much that hurt. She tugged on her shirt and left. None of this growing up, or being pretty stuff was nice it just made Toni feel perpetually out of step with her own body. Everything was too old, too big, too small, to week never right. None of it was what people needed, or what she did.

 

In October Obie came back from a business trip. He gifted Toni expensive presents from all over. He took her into his bedroom this time.

 

“I think you old enough for the real thing,” Obie said lifting Toni on to the bed he unclasped the training bra on her back.

 

Everything went so fast, her brain shut off almost the whole time leaving her not sure what all happened. Afterwards, Toni was left on the bed naked staring at the ceiling everything hurt so bad. She was worried she might be bleeding but sitting up to check between her legs was a nauseating prospect. She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t the heat stayed trapped behind her eyes as numbness rolled through her.

 

Toni felt off all the time, paranoid, tired, nauseous, numb. She kept telling herself Obie loved her, and it was just sex, everyone at school thought sex was so cool. And she was eleven when she lost her ‘v card, even’ when they lied the best they could come up with was thirteen she was faster than everyone else. More grown up, that had to be good right?

 

Toni also started to get amazing first aid training. She worked out how much hydration she would need to counteract dehydration from her random vomiting. She learned to take care of any cuts or injuries she got when Jarvis was busy. It was a lonely kind of skill, but to try and seek help seemed worse.

## ~~~~~

Christmas was dismal. Maria’s parents came they spoke mostly in Spanish and Toni didn’t understand enough to follow much. Maria thought teaching her would work against her being American enough and her dad didn’t speak fluently. Howard knew Russian, German, and French. So Toni knew all of those and was working on Chinese, but Spanish was an unspoken no go.

 

The one thing good about the whole holiday Maria seemed happier though they talked about everything back in El Salvador. The worst of the holidays was the day after she gave Jarvis a boxing day present, a joke they had since he was so very British. Standing with the present in her hands he was about to say thank you but right after she heard Obie call out her name.

 

Jarvis’s expression twisted into pity. But Toni felt nothing off of it, consumed by the wave of emptiness washing over her. She followed Obie and it was like watching herself as the character in a cruel movie. Watching herself sit there like a rag doll was horrific. Toni stumbled back to her room her skins was clammy to the touch drenched in sweets her legs covered in Obie's fluids.

 

Jarvis was there and helped her get cleaned up. He even bought Christmas cake to her and again gave her that pitiful guilty look. As he sat next to the shivering Toni.

 

That January Nick fury once again entered the mansion. A new agent tailed him a man who just didn’t introduce himself. Toni decided he was just agent-agent, must be a SHIELD drone, maybe he was an android or something that would be really cool. Toni shadowed the two men to her Dad’s office she waited outside something inside her prayed for Nicky to get chucked out and to her pleasure he was.

 

“Hi Nicky,” She smiled at him.

“Hello, Toni.” He said with a soft sigh

He stared at her for a long moment.  His eyes softened and Toni shifted. Any emotion other than amusement or annoyance on his face felt like it was a hidden rare moment and she didn't know what to do with that.

“Let me show you something,” Toni said to stop the god awful staring

She took him to her room. And pointed at a metal dog on the floor.

Fury raised an eyebrow. Toni rolled her eyes.

“Fido jump!” She instructed.

The dog did jump, it jumped in erratic circles before hitting the leg of a table and falling on its side. It let out a few sad barks his little feet flailing. Toni smiled at her daft little dog and knelt down to check on it.

“Fido?” Fury said with a smirk.

“Shut up it was the place holder during testing and it stuck,” Toni mumbled twiddling with her hair.

 

Fury looked down at Toni his stare was boring into the side of her head. Raising her gaze slowly a sigh of relief escaped her lips. She didn’t see any anger in his gaze so she turned back to the dog. Sitting it back upright he let out a thankful bark. Fury snorted and Toni laughed.

 

## ~~~~~  
  


Toni spent much of her twelfth year working extra hard in perfecting her engineering skills, she could create anything. It was enough to get her mind off of everything, her brain could become absorbed in each keystroke of writing code and every bang of a hammer. Her mom was doing lots of charity work and was almost never home. Mother and daughter just passed like ships in the night most days.

 

Some days were good and matched up with her being free. Fury also came by and those days were better too.  She could pretend when these happened that they might last, that maybe one-day people would come and they would stay. Coming home would always be met with hugs, stories would be listened too and love shared. However, Toni always ended up alone. Of course, Jarvis did try, but he couldn’t always come to her aid. Jarvis was Howard’s butler so Howard always came first, His office, his car rides, his friends.

 

However, alone wasn’t the worst. When she was alone she could blast “whiny girl music” from Howard's perspective and lose herself in a project. Or watch movies and yell at the plot hole to the matted faded Bucky bear along with Fido. Though she sometimes started to feel she was going mad when she found herself expecting an answer.

“Why would they ruin Jurassic park like that?” Toni yelled then glanced at the toy animals, “I know right? Spielberg is better than this!”

Or “shut up Fido, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry at Good Will Hunting!”

 

The worst days when her mom was mad _and_  her dad was mad. Toni would curl with her hands over her ears no matter how big the house was somehow the noise always threatened to burst her eardrums. Somedays a crash would sound and Toni would wait for her mom to come in and hide on Toni’s bed. Toni would sit with her mom and both silently wonder what they had done wrong, Toni never knew what she did wrong.

 

Confusing was what Toni called days when Obie came to visit. She liked that he paid attention to her. She liked that he called her beautiful, that he listened to her, that when she was sad he gave her hugs and talked to her about it. She liked that he always had questions about her stories and remembered things more than just the day she talked about it. He noticed when she hadn’t been eating well and everything. And Toni would list those nice things over and over after sex. Because afterwards, she wanted to puke and cry. Because something about it was wrong, but it couldn’t be wrong.

 

School itself was a bit better that year. Tiberius Stone let her hang with his friends, but there was always something he wanted, or his friend wanted. Mostly she bought them things or sweet talked the teachers who liked her. They liked she was smart, maybe, well probably, smarter than the people teaching her. Toni had found they weren’t as threatened by this if you didn’t point it out, especially if you threw in fake compliments. Acting obedient was what adults wanted so she could do it, she hated it but she could. Being a teacher's pet kept them in line, took one factor out of what could wrong that day. Even if she was paying for her spot in the group high school went easier when people would stick up for when other kids tried to cause trouble. And it was better than being alone.

 

One memorable day Toni had taken the fall for a pager going off in Mrs Martin’s class. When the teacher came over she let out a long breath as she sat in front of Toni.

“What’s up with you Toni?”

“What do you mean?” Toni said it came out much more pleading than the thought. She felt herself start to shake.

“Something is wrong with you lately.”

“My grades are fine,”  Toni said slipping even more to pleading. The words wrong with you banged in her head just like her dad said she was wrong.

Mrs Martin's hand was on Toni’s shoulder and  Toni started to not be able to breathe her heart banged against her chest. Her eyes burned with tears that wouldn’t cry. This happens a lot but only when Obie showed up or her parents got too loud, but nothing was wrong. fire filled her lungs and the room spun, nothing would make it just stop.

 

Mrs Martin had a pang of guilt. She hadn’t intended to make the girl this upset.

“Hey look at me.” She said. “Breath with me come on.”

Toni registered the voice as distinctly not Jarvis but the voice was saying the same things Jarvis did to calm her down.

Slowly Toni was able to breathe and think right and her face flushed all over again.

“I’m sorry,” Toni said hoarsely

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I didn’t mean to trigger a panic attack, it’s not in your file that you have mental health concerns.”

“What is my punishment” Toni interjected.

“Excuse me?”

“For my pager going off.”

“Toni I know it wasn’t your pager. You have a phone that looks and sounds like it’s from a sci-fi novel.” Mrs Martin was slightly confused Toni was clearly upset but she was asking to be punished.

Toni grimaced, her head hurt.

“Okay, then what do you want.”

“I was going to ask about why you sleep through my class.” Ms Martin sighed,

“I’m tired.”

“Okay, I understand but sleeping in class isn’t allowed. It has me worried.”

“What do you want from me!’ Toni shouted, “You can just stop trying to care!”

“Ah, I don’t really want anything from you.”

“Can I go?” Toni sighed clenching her fists.

“Sure.”

Toni ran out of class.

 

When Toni got home thick exhaustion set into her bones, a suffocating sensation in her throat. Toni looked into the mirror of her bathroom. and let out a soft laugh. She looked really odd. Her eyes were rimmed with red and the dark blue and black under her eyes were so huge. Toni shut her eyes and bit her lips to stop the quivering. Opening her eyes and sucking in a shallow breath Toni glanced at the sleeping pills, they were melatonin or something she had never taken the time to really care about them, Jarvis had talked her parents into trying something to help. Insomnia "in a child of her age" was apparently “ very concerning” but they sometimes made her feel groggy but they didn’t stop the thoughts, didn’t make it stop hurting.

 

But she wanted to sleep, so so much. Just sleep forever if she could, maybe if she took a lot he would finally sleep. Toni dumped a shit ton into her hand swallowed them dunking her head under the faucet. She then wandered back to her bed and fell asleep.

 

She hugged her Bucky Bear, " I'm Sorry Steve, Sorry Bucky. I’m not as good as you”

 

The next morning woke up and glanced around the room and burst into tears, she was awake again, why? Toni was left confused, she just didn't understand why she was like this, what had she done wrong to deserve the pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is as graphic as the sexual violence will get. I have absolutely no intention of the rape and abuse being explicit, graphic rape of a child (or adult) is pointless to include to convey the emotional experience. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter/story so far, please.
> 
> BTWs this whole thing is written and edited for the most part


	4. Don't Understand, Can't Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Child abuse, Alcohol abuse, childhood sexual abuse, Misogynistic language, unintentional self-harm, disordered eating, implied racism, victim-blaming & domestic violence
> 
> A description of menstruation also included in this chapter and a quick mention of abortion 
> 
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Chapter Songs: 11-13

Toni was glad that Fury and Agent agent had started coming regularly for a while. It was a good distraction because  Toni was meant to be already planning her Thirteenth birthday. Because apparently she was meant to make a big deal out of her thirteenth birthday with her family because her sweet sixteen would be away from here. And even though her mom wanted her to have a Quinceañera her dad didn’t so that didn’t even come into the conversation.

 

Something she noticed while playing SHIELD’s shadow was that when Howard wasn’t there Agent-Agent seemed to take orders from Fury even calling him boss, even though Fury was often kicked from the meetings and drinks. Of course, Toni didn’t mind she liked Fury.

 

Then one time Toni didn’t greet them at the door. She was with her mother so she couldn’t go great them even though she wanted to. Jarvis had the night off for a cold. Toni was begging her mom to stop when she saw Nicky come in.

“Agent fury?” Maria said her voice and expression were off.

Toni looked at Nicky unsure. He struck a very Jarvis like expression.

“Hello miss Stark.”

“Is your meeting with Howard like....what's the word. Over with!”

“My partner is still in session with Howard”

 

Maria started to laugh hysterically. Toni rolled her long hair in her fingers glancing up at Nicky. Involuntarily laughter spat out of her mouth but she prayed to god his spy skills were good enough to tell she needed her mom to stop. Maria turned to the windows and let out a squawk making Toni jump. She was then greeted by the sight of Nicky doing some Vulcan style neck pinch and her mom falling into bed.

 

He turned and looked at Toni staring at him.

“what was that?”

“Mom is very ill, we just have to keep her safe.” Toni recited Jarvis’s words vacantly.

“Who told you that?”

“Jarvis.”

“Do you know what's wrong with her?”

“She doesn’t do doctors or therapists.”

“Are you safe?”

 

Toni gazed at him, she didn’t know honestly. Well her parents would never hurt her that bad, she didn’t know about Obie sometimes she got scared he would hurt her during sex. But she glanced at her mom and took a breath, “mom isn't violent or anything just sick.”

 

Fury looked at her unblinkingly staring into Toni's watery eyes.

“And Howard?”

“He’s not violent to me. Just kinda mean.”

“Okay.” He reached into his pocket, “If it’s ever not safe, call me. If anyone is ever hurting you, call me.”

 

Toni glanced at the small blank black business card expect for silver writing displaying a phone number.

“Howard can go over your head,” Toni whispered interlacing her fingers.

“I’m going to run SHIELD soon.”

“Who says?”

“Everyone who doesn’t secretly hate me, and a few of the ones who do,” He said plainly.

“I don’t hate you,” Toni said

“Howard not being that close to you may have been a gift, and well looking like your mother.”

Toni blinked it was odd to hear someone acknowledge that she and her dad were not best friends. Also that she did have her mom’s skins tone. She was usually compared to Howard, looks-wise and her prodigy status. People always lauded how much he must've taught her. “Why?”

“Howard is brilliant and a hero. But he was also born in the 1910s”

She looked at him and then it clicked. Oh duh.

“Sorry. He should at least have a good reason to hate you, uncle Nicky”

Fury cocked his eyebrow.

 

She held his gaze, wondering when he would break. He had let her call him Nicky. But she was a kid then. Obie said she was old enough to act grown, an adult. What would he do now? If he got mad like Howard she could deal, leave like Peggy that would hurt but she could manage, touch her like Obie....that would be less fine but it’s what she was good at anyway right? But he had offered to help her, maybe he would be kind.

Fury shrugged. “Let’s get something to drink.” He placed the card into her sweaty palm.

## ~~~~~

Right after her thirteenth birthday was terrifying. She got her period and it was awful. It hurt yeah but she could deal with that. What was the worst is the thought she could get pregnant now. God, she was thirteen she didn’t want to be scared of that, she was still a kid how could she be a mother or god she would have to get an abortion, would she even be able to do that? Adults fought about that all the time god and shit. She sat on the floor of the bathroom everything was loud and bright and cold. She wanted it to just stop but nothing would stop tears fell quickly and her head hurt so much.

 

The second day of her body reminding her that Obie could now do something else to her she had to ask another girl at school for a pad, her name was Meggan.

Meggan walked with Toni into the bathroom.

“Do you know what you're doing?” Meggan asked.

“Yes I do”

She came out of the stall. Meggan passed her a few and smiled, “This your first period?”

“Geez what gave it away,” Toni muttered

“Well, my mom told me that I was a Woman when I got my period. Guessing your mom didn’t really talk, considering she didn’t give you anything for your backpack.”

“Well, I have some now. I’ll get some at home for you know tomorrow”

“It’s okay Toni. Buy some ibuprofen, lots of water, chocolate and a heating pad. You’ll get through.”

Toni gave a withering stare and left the bathroom.

When Toni got home she went to the kitchen and opened the liquor cabinet. “Fucking fuck” Toni muttered looking over the bottles. If she was women who could be fucked and yelled at and have periods and boobs then god damn it! she was going to drink. Who could stop her? Well her parents the bigger point was who was going to stop her, the answer to that was no one.

 

She poured a drink that looked something like what her mom did. And she smiled who gave a damn anymore. “cheers “ Toni muttered clicking her glass on an imaginary partner's. She took the drink with her room and slowly drank on it. It wasn’t exactly good but that really wasn’t the point. She just wanted to feel better, like she was less here, less pain, less everything just not this.

 

She was not exactly glad that drinking became more of a habit after that point. However who really cared there isn't anything else she really could do. One day she was stumbling out into the kitchen. Her parents were talking. She looked them dead in the face. Part of her was screaming ‘notice me please, please notice’

“How was school darling?” Maria asked as she read over some papers.

“Have you finished that prototype I suggested? I need it done.” Howard said.

 

She just looked at them. She knew she had to look like shit. Her eyes were glossed over, she was having trouble walking straight, she had been too tired to change she was in the same clothes as the day before.

 

“Fine and the prototype is done I left it in your lab,” Toni replied dully. And went back to her room.

“Wait!” Her mother called out.

Toni turned, “You have been spending time with the Stone boy?”

“Yeah?” Toni answered.

“His dad is an up and comer that’s good. That’s a good friendship. See if you guys can go to this year's dances together. Especially the charity ball in December”

Toni rolled her eyes. And kept walking her nails scratching at her skin.

 

It was July and Toni was sitting by the doorway. Uncle Nicky and Coulson were supposed to be coming that day and she was excited. She missed Uncle Nicky when he didn’t show up for a while. But he was coming that day. When the door opened Toni jumped off the counter she crashed into Uncle Nicky.

 

He looked at her apprehensively and Agent-Agent was looking at her with pity. She wondered if they could tell she was hungover. Covering her eyes from the sunlight might be a giveaway.

 

“What are you doing Toni?’ Fury asked.

“Oh, you know. Life?” Toni said and gave him a patented Stark family fake smile.

Fury only grumbled.

After the meeting Fury found Toni perched on the balcony.

“Enjoy the view?”

Toni fell backwards at being startled. She looked up from her position on the flagstone floor.

“Uncle Nicky!” She greeted him.

“Hey, kid.”

She stood back up and joined Nicky Leaning on the railing.

“Why did you want to be a spy?” Toni asked

“It takes more brains than flinging a giant bomb on a whole country.”

Toni winced at the mention of Howard's weapons. Being around enough military men had decidedly tarnished Toni’s vision heroic soldiers, well save one Steve was still her hero. The boss ones were also pretty much only men. In general, though the only men that didn’t make her blood run cold were Jarvis and Uncle Nicky.

“You good?” Fury asked.

“Sure. I’m always okay.” Toni stated ruefully.

 

Obie was coming for all of October there was some big plan with a new launch of some electronic warfare system hot new idea. Toni spent the better part of the month in haze trouble thinking or doing anything. Waiting for Obie to have sex with her, again.

One of those times she did remember the conversation after.

“You know Antonia you’ve gotten pretty good at this. Once your a little bit older people won’t just want your money anymore. But remember you were mine first.”

“Yes, Obie,” Toni whispered.

“I’m serious Antonia people will want sex from you but they won’t love you, not like I do. So do as you must, but always come back to me.”

“I know, I will I promise.”

“I love you. My beautiful girl, my own sweet girl.”

“I love you too,” Toni said her eyes burning too but still no tears came out.

 

Toni showers over and over after that. She spent so much time under the hot water scrubbing her skin over and over. Everything was too much, to sticky. Bile kept spilling into her mouth over and over. She had nothing to vomit she hadn’t eaten that day but she couldn’t stop nausea running through her.

 

In January Toni got acceptance letters back from colleges she settled on MIT. She was excited to leave, to not have to hear Howard's screams, deal with her mother's absence or feel Obie’s hands. Having access to all the labs at MIT would be exciting for once she could build what she wanted. She would never say it but Toni was also terrified. So many people would be there and the only good time was when you could use people as a cover get lost in the fray but most people were freaking terrifying especially when they want to touch you.  

## ~~~~~

Toni graduated High School at age fourteen in a building whose opulence was not in the same mood as a bunch of teenagers who just wanted to be let free to fuck around for three months then to start going to school that most of their parents bought their way into and get drunk at frat parties.

 

One June night Toni was sitting with her parents in one of the family rooms. They were all absentmindedly watching the credits to a movie role. When Maria turned off the TV.

 

“Toni we need to talk to you about going to university.” She said.

Toni straightened in her seat.

“You need to be wary of people. The boys and men in college, they are going to want to have sex with you. You pretty, and young and rich. All things men want to take advantage of.”

Toni nodded, she had figured this out before. Obie had told her as much. But hearing it again was the opposite of comforting.

“People are not trustworthy, everyone has ulterior motives,” Howard added looking Toni right in the eyes.

“Yes. We have money, you have power people like that stuff.” Toni agreed. Shifting her gaze from Howard's piercing glare.  

 

She had worked that out too. She had to buy peoples friendship and protection. Nicky got power from working with Howard even if Howard was to prejudice to actually have a good relationship. Peggy hadn’t gotten anything her sway was equal with Howards but she had left anyway. Even Jarvis was paid to watch her, though she knew Jarvis cared about her and she cared for him.

 

“I’m serious love. Please be careful, you have to watch who you sleep with, and always use protection”

“Mom!” Toni shouted instinctively pulling her legs to her chest.

“Darling I’m only telling you.”

Toni bit her lip. I mean duh she knew those things. In all honesty, she didn’t want to sleep with anybody. She was certain anyone who touched her would not love her, or it would just feel like Obie all over again.

“You're smarter than most people there. So the classes should be easy. But remember you can use the time to still work on useful projects. Just focus on what's important.”

Toni stared at Howard with wide eyes. Did he just say something nice? Toni smiled, maybe Howard would actually think she was good at this.

 

July was the worst. It was hot and sticky the weather and Obie’s breath on her neck.  Toni stood on the sand. Her feet burned with the heat of the tiny rocks, her skin felt covered in a film from swimming in the ocean, her bathing suit clinging to her skin.

Obie was standing next to her as she stared vacantly at the crashing waves.

 

“You know I always liked your hair.” He said petting the long wavy brown locks the hung to her hips.

Toni felt sick. She hated the possessive way he pulled her into him.

“Your mom does have style. Always dresses you classily” He said again.

His hands caressed her side.

 

The rest of the month every time Toni brushed her hair she felt like screaming. She knew he meant well but everything about it felt dirty and horrible and nauseating.

 

Toni walked up to Jarvis a week before school started.

“Jarvis take me shopping!” She said holding out keys.

“Okay Ms.” He said.

 

At the store, Toni bought gym shorts, loose t-shirts, boy cut jeans, boxers and everything else that was not sexy, not desirable, not stylish.

 

Jarvis watched how she feverishly purchased the items and tossed the bags into the car with a satisfied smile. He was a bit worried but she looked happy real propper happy so he went with the option to not question it.

“You like it, Jarvis,” Toni said spinning to face him.

“A new wardrobe for school?”

“Yup.” She said.

“Very nice.”

 

The night before she left Obie came over for dinner. He gave her a present, in the box, were diamond encrusted hair ties.

“Thank you, Obie.” She said giving him a smile.

He kissed her head.

 

She ran to her room and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, she started to cry. Fast wet tears streaked her face, her mouth tasting mucus, heat radiated for her face and chest. She looked at her expression hot and red and not dead. Fuck she was getting out, It was her time and it damn well it should be, this was her life.

 

She walked into her room and glanced at, Fido her Bucky bear and Steve poster. “You know what boys? I need a haircut.”

She grabbed scissors from her desk and went back to the bathroom and cut off her hair. It was now slightly lopsided the sides barely touching her ears. She gave herself a grin. For once she felt alive.

 

Jarvis came in with a slice of cake she whipped around. Her face looked wild as she grinned at the old butler.

“I like the new hair young miss. It seems you’ve reached the teen rebellion stage”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of this chapter and story overall
> 
> Next chapter we get Rhodey who I love so deeply!


	5. Quiet Rebellion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Sexual Harassment, Disordered Eating, Descriptions of dissociation, Vomiting, implied underage alcohol abuse, Referenced child abuse, Referenced sexual abuse  
>  Youtube Playlist   
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs: 14-16

Toni stood in her new college apartment, turns out you can sip the freshmen sleep in dorms rule if Howard Stark asks for it.  She kept scooting around to avoid the Moovers bringing things in looking at the beige walls and trying to stop herself from vibrating. She was glad to be out of the godforsaken mansion but suddenly she felt very alone. Her life had always been planned, she did everything her parents and Obie had told her to do. It was like she had been a character in a video game but now she had jumped the programming. She looked blankly at the wall twisting Jarvis’s locket in her hands.

 

Jarvis came up behind her. “Young miss?”

“Hmm?” Toni said looking at him.

“I will miss you.” a soft smile draped across his face.

“I’ll miss you too.”

“I hope you know...”

“I know.” She said with a small nod and a half-hearted smile

Jarvis cleared his throat, “well yes, Enjoy classes. I’ll be back to take you to the mansion for Christmas, call let me know how you are? Be careful.”

“Thank you”

Toni looked at the boxes in front of her. She dragged Fido from a box and sat him by the door. A carefully preserved but slightly fading Captain America poster was placed on the wall of the living room. Bucky bear came out of her backpack and was on the bed.

“There, you guys can watch over me. Keep me safe okay?” She said quietly.

 

She flopped on the couch, it was so silent, but there no stars for Jarvis to show her. Alone, she was all alone. It was both incredibly peaceful and scary, she breathed in a long breath, new start.

## ~~~~~

As she had guessed classes were pretty easy. The people were not, for the most oversized hoodies and loose fitting clothes meant she could avoid boys learning at her but people still seemed to think they could touch her, being semi-famous seemed to be some kind invention to her personal bubble. Which Toni was very adamant it was not. If not that then everyone had ‘ideas’ for her father, which Toni just said it wasn’t her job to be the messenger for her father. This often got her dirty looks when people were trying to be ‘friendly’. Walking around campus was also not the best, she got lost a lot and even after she learned her way people always wanted to be around doing who knows what.

 

Toni loved the lab, easily the best part of MIT. She worked on all her non-weapon ideas along with things that would be good for SI. She still sent things to her father to produce but also got to work on things that were not ‘useful’. Phones that aren't useful in battle, car modifications and gasp she even built a video game console. She laughed at how pointless her father would think that was.

 

There was also the ever-present fact that she had no friends, everyone else seemed to have at least someone to hang out with. Especially once the end September rolled around everyone seemed to have some kind of group. This ended up with Toni slipping back into drinking quite a bit. Toni had Fido, Bucky Bear and Steve but they only helped so much when she was really lonely.

 

One day Toni was sitting staring at two other people working on a project one thing she noticed was they got burnt or cut a lot less when someone else could grab what needed to be soldered onto the next thing being built. She looked at Fido sitting on her table.

 

“You need a friend, and I need a lab assistant,” Toni told the tiny robot dog,

“Did you say something?” One of the other people in the lab.

“I was talking to my ah... robot dog.”

“Kay.” They said turning back to whatever they were building.

Toni started to work on her idea for a lab assistant because she was absolutely not building herself a friend, that was clearly not the impetus behind making a learning robot, nope it was purely utilitarian.

 

Two weeks later Toni was looking at a robot rolling around in front of her. It wasn’t quite everything she figured it could be. It only had one good manipulator arm and It’s AI wasn’t probably something people would call “true AI”.

“Bring me that hammer!” Toni said.

“Oh, you Dummy” Toni mumbled as he rammed into everything he possibly could in the lab.

He ran he made some indignant whirring noises and then brought her a hammer place it in Toni’s hand and whirred in a way Toni could maybe say was happy. Toni pulled a sharpie and wrote Dume-E on the white plastic of his chest.

“Your name is Dum-E,” Toni said to the robot. Who let out another whirring beeping noise.

 

Toni crawled into bed a few days later at one am She probably should have been trying to sleep before this but working in the lab was much more fun. Toni woke up screaming her skin covered in sweet as she shook her head trying to force Obie’s hands and her father's voice from her mind. She stumbled into her kitchen and wretched up some empty avid. After she had stopped shaking she looked at the clock, it was two thirty.

“Fuck again?” She muttered pulling her blanket around her, she never slept through the night. Dum-E rolled over and patted her head with his arm.

“Thanks” Toni muttered fondness for her small plastic son breaking through the fear gripping her.

 

Four hours later Toni hadn’t slept any and felt distinctly floaty. She walked between two buildings trying to avoid the main routes she was way too off balance to deal with people. She got too dizzy to see straight and stopped to catch her breath.

 

“Hey beautiful what's up with you?” a man said putting his hand on Toni’s arm.

“Nothing I just..” Toni started her heart climbing into her throat. She couldn’t do this right now.

“Why don’t you come with me. My friend has Some stuff, hair of the dog?”

“No thanks.” Toni managed to choke out. She pushed forward.

He pushed her back against the wall.

“let go!” Toni shouted

“Not till you agree to come with me.” his hand forcing her back on the wall. Toni couldn’t help but whimper when her head bounced on the bricks. She went limp eyes glazing over as he leaned into her with a piranha smile

 

“Hey, asshole!” Another dude shouted as he pulled the first guy off Toni. “I’m pretty sure the kid said to let go!”

“Geez I just wanted to help her out, have some fun,” He said and stalked off.

Toni slid down the wall feeling awful.

“I’m James what's your name?”

“Toni.”

“Okay, Toni you alright?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Toni muttered the world swam in front of her eyes and ringing consumed her thoughts.

“You sure? Do you have somewhere to go?”

Toni stood up her whole body vibrating. She promptly threw up and then everything went black.

 

James caught the girl in his arms. He looked at her in his arms and shook his head. Geez, the kids did not look old enough to be in college. He knelt down throwing her bag on his shoulder. He figured he should at least get her out of the alley. James gently laid Toni on the grass and sat next to her. God, he thought who would even want to ‘have fun' with a kid.

 

Toni woke up looked around her feeling frantic.

“Hey, hey, You're fine.”

“Where am I?”

“I just brought you out of the alley,” Rhodes said

“Why?”

“Leaving a girl passed out in dark alley seemed like a sketchy thing to do.”

“Oh.”

Toni stared at her pants. She tried to nonchalantly feel for the clasp on her bra. Everything seemed in order. And the dude’s shirt was still covered in throw up.

 

“What do you want? I suggest Money because I'll give you that but nothing else.” Toni said, hoping she sounded forceful,

“I don’t want anything else kid. I just wanted to help.”

“Why?”

“Because some dick frat boy thought he could be a jerk to you.”

“What's your name?”

“James Rhodes.” He said sighing.

“Oh. Thank you, Mr Rhodes.” Toni mumbled.

“James is fine, or Rhodes.” James smiled.

Toni stood up and promptly lost her balance falling back over.

“Look do you want me to help you home? Or to a doctor because you look like shit.”

“Thanks...” Toni muttered. She sighed, that was probably the smart thing to do. She doubted she could make it back to her apartment without passing out or puking again.

“Okay.”

James steadied her but she couldn’t get her footing and had to sit back down.

“What day is it?” Toni asked

“Friday?”

“That's why.”

“What?”

“That’s why I feel like crap. I haven’t eaten in like forty-eight hours and slept like four hours”

“Why?”

“I had things to do,” Toni mumbled

 

James breathed out.

“ Alright then get on my back.”

“What?”

“ You’re exhausted and I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Toni sighed why fight it. Toni pulled her key ring out and passed it to James

“Where we going?” James asked adjusting Toni on his back.

Toni muttered her address and rested her banging head on his shoulder.

 

As James walked her breathing evened out and he sighed the kid was asleep. He found himself wondering how her parents could let her just not eat, she could only be fifteen max. Caring he made him think of his own little sister, he missed her and the scared girl sleeping against his shoulder was activating his protective big brother instincts. As he got to her door he shifted her on his back to push it open.

 

The room had furniture that looked like it belong in a Victorian movie but the only thing matching a college kid was a Star Trek and Captain America posters. He was startled when a wacky looking robot bumped into him.

Toni stirred. “Hey Dum-E”

 

James laid her on her sofa He walked into the kitchen and noticed an open bottle of vodka on a counter. He sighed and opened the cabinets and was pleased to find some special K he poured it into a bowl and grabbed some water. He brought it over to the coffee table.

Toni thought about protesting but ate the cereal and drank the water.

“Thanks,” Toni said.

“Where are your parents?” Rhodey asked.

“New York.”

“You live here alone!”

“What student lives with their parents?”

“Umm ones who can still shop in the kids' section.”

“Hey, I am fourteen, not five!”

“You got into MIT at fourteen?”

“Yes, It’s not my fault everyone else is painfully slow” Toni shot back

“Impressive.” Jams said smoothly not taking the bait.

“Hm,” Toni said smiling triumphantly.

“Do you have a friend I could call then?”

“Why?”

“You still look awful. You're literally shaking.”

 

Toni glanced at her arm. It was shaking. It had become a common thing, she was so nervous all the time she couldn’t seem to blank shit out anymore. She bit her lip, her hand drifted to her locket fiddling with the heart her thumb rolling over the metal the engraved ridges smoothed out over the years. “No I have Dum-E and Fido,” she said

 

James glanced at the Robots.

“Okay well.” He scribbled his number on a piece of paper.

He handed it over to her.

“You start feeling worse call me. And for the love of god finish that cereal you look like your about to pass the fuck out  again.” He left.

Toni watched him go. She felt sad when the door closed. She staggered over to the bed and laid down. Hugging her bear she breathed out shakily and fell asleep.

**~~~~~**

Two days later Toni was walking to class when she saw James sitting eating a sandwich. Toni’s legs dragged her over to him much to her mind's protest.

“James?” She said.

“Toni?”

“Yeah I ate all of the cereal and I slept.” She said.

“Good you look less like death. I’m glad.”

She blushed. “I wanted to say thank you. And umm I was thinking I can buy you a new shirt since I puked on the other one.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“But...”

“Look actually I’ve been feeling like a jerk for not checking on you again.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah but I’m never going to get it out my head. A kid all alone with dumbass dudes, because you live next to fraternity row who thought that was smart? And you had special k, soy milk, lemonade powder and Vodka in your house? God, you don’t even have peanut butter.” He was flustered.

Toni started to laugh, really hard. Which only seemed to make James more annoyed.

“It’s not funny,” He scowled.

“It is a little funny.”

“Look how you can pay me back, is let me be your friend that way I can make sure you eat real food and get some fucking sleep.”

“Okay,” Toni said. She did want a friend who was human, could be fun.

## ~~~~~

On Halloween Toni found herself sitting next to James after watching The Sixth Sense.

“See I guessed the ending!” Toni yelled at the tv.

“You did not,” James said.

“Did too!” Toni said standing on her couch. She tilted sideways and James caught her.

“You are way too accident prone.”

“Well, you’ve caught three out three times.”

“ You need to be wrapped in like bubble wrap or something.”

“You need a nickname,” Toni stated looking at him. She had decided James was at that point. He had seen her like every day for weeks and hasn't asked for money or sex. She would have sex if he had wanted it, anything so he would like her, but he didn’t want it and that was so nice. She would honestly do anything for him he was cute and like her knight in shining armour combined with action her commitment to protecting the girl.

“Really?”

“Hmm, Rhodey.”

Something new in her life. A bright light in all the gloom, all hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Rhodey! Yay Dum-E! My sweet sweet boys.  
> I love writing some comfort with the hurt/angst 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	6. In All The Gloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: childhood sexual abuse, sexist language, implied racism, child abuse, domestic violence, implied/referenced disordered eating, reference alcohol abuse and self-harm 
> 
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spoitfy)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs 17-19

As the credits of Revenge of The Sith scrolled across the screen Toni thought about the man sitting next to her. Her Rhodey.

Rhodey was an ROTC guy and had adopted the military mindset of if you're not ten minutes early your late but he didn’t yell if she didn’t remember. He never even told her she was disappointing if she didn’t do everything right.  He did tease her some like saying his mom had raised him with manners, you don’t arrive thirty minutes late with a late, you say please and thank you etc. It was amusing to get him exasperated with her because Toni was actually believing he would be there for her so the teasing felt like teasing. None of it ever felt like he was trying to make her feel small, none of it hurt. When he called her a firecracker it was nice, not insinuating she would blow up her life.

 

“Okay.” Rhodey sighed. In the short time, he’d known Toni she had basically wrapped him around her finger. She was smarter than anyone he knew but also vulnerable in this way that made Rhodey wish he really could put her in bubble wrap.

“Next movie!” Toni declared.

 

A little while later Toni and Rhodey were sitting in a coffee shop. Toni wanted a hot drink as the lab was infuriatingly cold, and she was not the biggest fan of snow Rhodey teased her for her tendency to take whether as a personal offence he also wondered who thought December in the north would not be snowy.

 

“I’m not saying I’m the reason it's "freeze your dick off" cold, I’m saying a bonus is pissing me off.”

“Spoiled”

“Hey! I’m small when I fall in snow drifts I just poof.”

 

Rhodey rolled his eyes. Toni may only be a bit taller than five feet on a good day, and so light Rhodey figured he could lift her with one arm, but when she wanted to she could fill a whole room with her presence. He was caught off guard when his tiny menace was staring vacantly at the TV on the wall. It was never good when she spaced out like that.

 

“Toni stark finally has a boyfriend?” ran as the title card. Photos of Toni and Rhodey flashing on the screen. Many include them just talking but in a few Toni was visibly drunk. One showed Toni asleep on his back after Rhodey had not for the first or last time helped a sleep-deprived Toni back to her room.

 

“How did this affair start? Why him?” The host said to a guest.

“My theory is that only a military man like that is disciplined enough to deal with such a young wreck”

“Well you know her mother really went for, a white man a rebel from her people. Seems Toni is doing the same thing.”

“Her drinking has recently caught people's attention, blowing her fathers money on booze after he bought her a place at MIT,” another said.

“Well, you know just like her mother going for powerful men older than them. People like them tend to be more..sexual”

“Oh maybe it’s just daddy issues needs another government career man to keep her in place,” The first host said and started laughing.”

“Another option is a reverse gold digger!” More laughter.

 

Toni felt like she’d been punched in the gut. She knew gossip was gossip but bringing her Rhodey into it felt wrong. He was special, or at least Toni thought so. She would date him if he wanted, he was always nice and she never wanted him to leave her. But he didn’t even want her to sleep with him, or for her to do him a favour or even pay him! He actually seemed to just like being with her. Those stupid talking heads twisted it up and made it all look hateful.

 

Rhodey watched the bit with an increasingly murderous glare. He looked at his girl who was hopelessly looking into the brown liquid in her mug.

 

“Hey, baby girl, look at me,” Rhodey said softly lifting her chin to meet his soft gaze.

“Yes, Rhodey bear?”

“Don’t listen to them. I know you know what we are. Fuck those guys.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry okay?”

Toni sighed.

“Plus I would never date you anyway. You're just a little kid and I play for the other team.”

Toni looked at him slightly confused

“Oh yeah guess I never said, I’m gay.”

“Oh, I see that's why you haven’t tried to get in my panties,” Toni said humourless smile on her face.

“Look, Toni. I want to be your friend, I care about you and I think you need someone watching your six.”

“You the only soldier I can stand platypus.”

Rhodey ruffled her lopsided short hair.

“I also have a question, do you cut your own hair?”

“I do. Not gonna trust anyone else to handle the merchandise.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes.

 

## ~~~~~  
  


Toni was miserably staring at the car driving up to the apartment Rhodey was standing next to her, her bags in hand like a proper gentleman. She had dressed in clothes her mom had boughten before college. It was odd for Rhodey to see Toni looking like an heiress and not in sweatpants and a nerd T-shirt.

Jarvis got out and walked over to Toni with a soft smile.

“Hey, Jarvis!” Toni greeted.

“A pleasure as always Young miss.”

“Oh, this Rhodey,” Toni said with a dramatic gesture

“Hello, I’m James Rhodes.” Rhodey offered the man his hand

“Ah yes, I’ve seen you on the news,” Jarvis said drily returning the handshake.

Rhodey shifted under the penetrating stare of the stalwart butler

“Jarvis he’s fine hasn’t even tried to steal a kiss.”

“Sir  I can assure you I don’t need the shovel talk,” Rhodey said.

“Don’t worry Jarvis he only dates dudes, and he’s never asked me for monetary or political favours. That is expected, buying an immense amount of power bars with my credit card.”

“Hey, that is to make sure you don’t starve yourself hold up in your lab.”

Toni grinned kissing him on the check then sliding into the back seat.

 

Everything about the first few days of winter break was dismal. The decorations were callous and lifeless. The twinkling lights were almost pretty when she was light-headed or checked out. But when her mind was right it all looked gaudy. The house felt more empty than ever before. The buzz of the campus and homeyness of her apartment was in such incredible contrast to slipping like a ghost through halls. But she could picture her friend if she squeezed her eyes tight enough.

 

On Christmas eve dismal turned to soul-sucking when Obie showed up at the door. She pretty much instantly felt the colour and warmth she had held on to from Rhodey’s warm laugh and Dum-E’s constant happy chirps drain from her life. Her body seemed to drift as Obie hugged her a little too long.

 

That night Obie once again invited her to his godforsaken bedroom. And decided he needed to chat afterwards,

“You know I saw that you have made a male friend?” Obie asked

Toni nodded, even though she wasn't dating him, Obie wouldn't listen no one else seemed to.

“I guess I can’t blame you for using your skills, slutiness can be useful.”

Toni dug her nails into the heel of her palm. Biting back the urge to run as fast as could. It felt wrong of him to insult her, he said he did this because he loved her, he still loved her right?

“Do you still love me?” rushed from Toni’s mouth in a desperate plea.

“Of course I do, you are always mine.” He said as he handed her back her clothes.

 

Christmas was a lifeless charade. Her mother and she hated Christmas. Obie was seeming to watch it all like a plastic overlord. Her father was pissed about everything. Something about commercialization, and not remembering the roots. Something sex, something money, something about the American way. The forties were so much better, this isn’t the country America he fought for yata yata.

 

Toni was near wanting to throw herself into the sun as sex seems to haunt her even more now. Toni was just trying to watch the eighth doctor’s terrible movie when her mother decided it was a great moment to chat about her sex life.

“You know your father and I haven't had sex in years.”

Toni blanched, like yeah she figured that before they didn’t share a bedroom. But she didn't really need to know that.

“I honestly wonder if he is gay, or just not capable anymore. That’s why most people think he likes me for my looks. But honestly, the only person he ever really seems into anymore is Steve. Between you and me I think he was in love with him. Actually, between you, me and Peggy who also thought so.”

“Oh well, ah,  yeah okay,” Toni said as her mom stared her down with an oddly light expression for the rather depressing conversation they just had.

 

She decided she hated holidays even more now. The only good part was the day before Toni was due back at school Uncle Nicky walked in the door all swagger.

“Hello Toni,” he said not needing to glance behind him to know she had resumed her habit of shadowing his every step.

“Hey, Uncle Nicky.”

He had a briefcase and she stood in awe as he shoved it in Howard's hands.

“Some designs SHIELD needs looked over.” He said.

He turned as if to leave but once they were out of  earshot Fury whispered to Toni “build anything cool.”

“Yes!” Toni said gleefully she took him to her room where she proudly detailed the building of Dum-E with schematics and everything.

“You built a friend?”

“Well, it sounds a bit pathetic like that. He’s a mechanical lab assistant.”

“You were really lonely huh?”

Toni just let out an offended huff.

“You holding up okay?” Fury said with what he probably intended to be a concern but ended up more along aloof.

“Better, between Rhodey and Dum-E I have actually eaten three meals a day for like  five out of the last week of the semester.”

“You know that shouldn’t be something to boast about.”

“I think we both know a lot of things happen with me that shouldn’t” Toni shot back coldly looking at him with a blank expression.

 

Fury just raised an eyebrow. Toni knew he had to know at least some of the shit. He'd been in a lot of conversations with a drunk thirteen-year-old, seen her scars, heard the screaming. The conversation happening in that silent glare was too much and Fury broke the stalemate.

 

“I have to go, this was only meant to be a paperwork drop.”

“Don’t die, uncle Nicky,” Toni shouted after him.

A hand wave was his response.

 

That night Toni played Obie’s doll again. Every moment felt somehow like a lifetime. All the words he spoke ran together in her head. The soundtrack that would play in her head over and over.

 

Every part of him never seemed to let her go. His hands, and lips, and stuff seemed to haunt her every day. She stumbled to her bedroom her feet dragged her to the shower on autopilot. Her mind was full of cotton numbed out but this pain still pulsed through her body.

 

It was like the sweat, saliva and semen were permanently stuck to her skin. Her whole body hurt so fucking much. She climbed into the shower and curled on the shower tiles. Begging the hot water to burn it all out of her. The sticky glop that seemed to live forever under her skin. She couldn’t stop her own hands from clawing at her skin.

 

The next day at breakfast as her parents saw her off to school (actually Jarvis’s car, he took her the rest of the way) they saw her arms. The skin on her arms and shoulders had angry red marks from the shower and said nothing. Said nothing. Jarvis though he brought her aloe vera. He gave her a stiff British hug. Someone noticed but felt empty, the two of them had been playing this fucking game way too long. She was so full of all the pain Jarvis just wasn’t enough to keep the dam from breaking any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think? The next chapter is like catharsis the chapter so yeah. 
> 
> They having a rough time but Rhodey is the absolute best bro and we stan
> 
> ( I know in adults ~4 years isn't a lot but between 14 and 18/19 is a really big difference visually and in like mental development)


	7. The Damn Breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced child abuse, referenced alcohol abuse, referenced eating disorders, referenced child sexual abuse, descriptions of panic attacks, illness, vomiting, minor violence, 
> 
> Playlist  
> [Youtube Link](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs: 20-22
> 
> Text that is Italicized is writing

Rhodey was already at Toni’s place when her car drove up. As Toni got out James could tell her holiday had not been good. She looked exhausted and her arms were hugging herself like it was all keeping her together. He couldn’t hear what Jarvis said but he could see the guilt dance across his face and Toni look resigned.

 

“Hey Rhodey Bear,” she said a smile that didn’t reach her eyes plastered across her face.

“Good to see you.” He said finishing getting the bags inside.

Rhodey then turned to try and hug Toni.

 

Toni felt his hands on her waist and she let out a whimper when her body ran cold fear striking through her like lightning. Her arms encircled her chest everything was sticky and warm god she felt sick. Toni stumbled backwards knocking into Dum-E and falling rather ungracefully onto her ass.

 

“Toni, what's wrong?” Rhodey said kneeling.

Much to Toni’s horror tears started to stream down her face.

“I don’t like home much.” She said as her breathing started to ramp up in speed.

“Hey breath with me?” Rhodey held her hand and overacting deep breaths kneeling in front of her so he didn’t tower over her.  

 

Toni’s breathing slowed and allowing some oxygen lowering the burning in her lungs and her heartbeat enough for her to think. The blur that had been Rhodey was now in focus. She grasped her locket in her hands, tears still stinging her eyes.

 

“Toni. I don’t need the details but you got to give me more than not liking it to ‘cuz that, that was a bit scary”

“Howard is a dick and my mother is nuts,” Toni explained.

Rhodey sat back into a more comfortable position. Toni took it as a non-verbal continue.

 

“My dad hates everything I do because it’s never good enough. He loves yelling, power and alcohol more than he's ever loved a human being beside Steve Rogers. I don’t know why I’m not good enough, I don’t know why he is always mad at me. I don’t know why I’m not worth it,” Toni said her tone slowly climbing to hysterical. “My mom is mentally ill but doesn’t give enough of a damn to do anything about it. I’m constantly trying to guess what she will be feeling next and sometimes it escalates to holding me down and stuff. I love her but god it hurts so much. They always make me feel awful and I don’t even always know why. Like I know I drink too much and nobody likes me but I don’t know why, why don’t they love me enough to care? Why aren’t I good enough for them? Why is it okay for them it hurt me? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, Why have I always been so worthless? ” Toni curled into herself shaking violently.

 

Rhodey reacher his hand out and paused, “Can I touch you?”

 

Toni’s head bobbed, couldn’t bring herself to talk anymore. She couldn’t tell him about Obie, she didn’t know how it was just sex she had no right be so upset. Toni’s body still rocked trying to get herself to uncurl seemed like the most difficult task she could think of. 

 

Rhodey’s couldn’t figure out how to say what he needed to.  And that was because Rhodey was thinking a lot at the time, too much to formulate actual words. He was glad he finally understood about Toni a bit more. She had never mentioned her mother and Howard only in connection with science things, now he got why. They were apparently abusive, to be fair he had guessed so. He was still so sad because god damn she looked so broken and tiny and helpless sitting there curled on the floor. He was so fucking goddamn angry that her parents made her feel worthless.

 

“Look at me okay.” Rhodey said helping her to meet his eyes, “You are not worthless you got that? I care about you, god I’ve only known you a few months and you drive goddamn crazy but I’m here okay? And I want you just the way you are.”

 

This made Toni breakdown all over again throwing herself headfirst into his chest and he wrapped her into his strong arms pulling her close to him. 

“Rhodey?” She whimpered.

“Yeah, baby girl?”

“Can I lay down?”

“Course” She walked into her room. Cuddling her Bucky bear in her arms wanting the warmth more than not looking like a baby. She fell asleep from the exhaustion. She woke to water and juice with Poptarts on her bedside table a note read.

 

_ Couldn’t miss my ROTC things today but eat this stuff. Skip a class if you want, but don’t drink  I assume you already got a migraine. Call if you need something, I’ll be there tomorrow morning help you get going -Rhodey Bear  
_

 

She smiled god she loved that man, she hoped she wouldn’t have to lose him too.

Toni wandered into the living room chomping on the cinnamon pop tart and wandered into the main room. She turned the TV and absentmindedly watched as sitcoms. She drank all of her juice and water finished the pop tarts damn Rhodey would be so proud. Dum-E came over chirping his approval of her life decisions today .

Toni glanced outside to an afternoon sky as credits rolled on the tv. She shuddered lightly as the empty cold soaked into her bones. She glared at the alcohol on the counter but resisted the urge she wanted to do the right thing, she had totally broken down on the dude she should at least have the courtesy to not drink away his kindness. And he was right she had an awful headache banging around. She then promptly threw up. She made her way to the bathroom and threw up till all the came out was bile. Her nose was running and bleeding into her mouth swirling with the taste of mucous, iron and bile, not a suggested taste combo. 

 

She curled of the floor unable to stand up.

“Dum-E phone!” Toni croaked out.

Dum-E thankful grabbed the right thing this time. She called Rhodey.

“What’s up baby girl?” She heard.

“Come home.” She cried.

“What’s wrong.”

She then promptly threw up again.

And started to cry and choke.

“I’m coming, hang on”

 

Rhodey cursed as he ran over to Toni’s place. He was going to make Toni stay with him or he’d move in with her or something! The girl was a mess.

He ran inside the room was empty he looked in her bedroom then saw her in a shivering fetal position. 

“Oh, baby girl” He lifted her up flushing the toilet.

“I’m sorry I called you.” She said into his shoulder.

“Toni doesn’t apologise you didn’t mean to get sick.”

 

The next few days Toni did not improve even if she consistently tried to do something. Doing nothing was not good, and doing nothing alone was the worst. Her anxious thoughts drove her to try and do some work then find herself knocked back on her ass.

 

“Fucking stupid body being stupid sick,” Toni muttered laying back on her bed 

“Steve, how did you deal with being sick?” Toni asked the poster above her, “Well I guess you had your mom and Bucky, and you always fought right? Well, I have Rhodey, but then your mom was a nurse so that probably helped.”

“Toni” She heard Rhodey call.

“Oh did you bring home the bacon” Toni called out.

“Yup.” He came inside the room and frowned at Toni who was too pale, to green.

“You're mad at me?” Toni said.

“ little bit yeah, you keep trying to work while your body is very clearly telling you to rest.”

Toni bit her lip.

“Toni, now You’re going to be mad at me.”

“Why?”

“My mom’s best friend is a nurse practitioner. I called her.”

“Rhodey no doctors,” Toni whined.

“Stop whining Toni! I’m not going to let you keep puking your guts out every day because you're stubborn.”

Toni huffed.

“Also Toni your apartment has an empty room.”

“Yes?”

“Can I move in?”

“Why?”

“So I’m here all the time. Plus you need a roommate like a proper college student.”

“Sure I won’t stop you.” Toni shrugged.

Rhodey sat down next to her. 

“I did get you a preemptive apology present.”

Toni raised an eyebrow and he passed her a box. She opened the box, untying a bow and everything what a sap. It was a shirt with Dum-E on it with the caption ‘Building the robot revolution” 

“Ha!” she laughed.

“It was actually meant to be a birthday present but now it’s an ‘i went behind your back to save your stubborn ass’ present.’”

 

The nurse came in. She was an older black lady who looked tired with the drive she must have just taken.

“So James I need to  have a word with the patient.”

Rhodey met Toni’s gaze and she gave a small nod.

“So you going to behave?” She said.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“James told me you could be a bit stubborn. Either try and sweet talk us or...well get emotional’

Toni bit her lip, of course, it made sense Rhodey would tell her those things but a small tinge of hurt still grew in her chest

The nurse came overtook her vitals then stood back.

“So how have you been doing?”

“Me? I'm peachy” Toni grumbled.

“Well I know that’s a lie. You running a fever, covered in sweet, have high blood pressure and your heart rate is elevated.”

Toni bit her cheek to keep in a smartass remark. “I’ve been throwing up all the time. I’m exhausted and can’t get anything done. I try and get things done then I’m right back here”

“I think you probably just have the stomach flu, worsened by the...stress Rhodey says you’ve been dealing with. But never resting let it escalate.”

“Resting? How the hell am I supposed to rest with everything in my head!” Toni said waving her hands around in the air. 

“I understand, Rhodey said you haven’t been doing so well. I suggest rest, fluids and maybe some Pepto Bismol or similar to calm nausea, simple foods. If you don’t get better soon you should see a doctor in  a clinic.”

“Fine.”

 

Resting seemed to actually work after three excruciating days of non-action Toni was back in class. She was lucky to be miles ahead so the missing class hadn’t gotten her behind.  She found though that she was more on edge than before. She couldn’t shake the need to glance around every door, label exists, she jumped at even accidental contact in the halls. However, with Rhodey not fighting her on going to the lab she was working on another robot. She decided it was called U. It was a slight upgrade technically from Dum-E even if it still was a disaster once finished. Just as silly as it’s brothers.

 

She looked at her bots whirling around chirping at each other attempting to get toast out of the toaster. 

“Oh, my tiny robot sons. We shall take over the world one day with burnt toast.”

Toni was conflicted when she came home and saw Rhodey had all the takeout set out on the counter.

“food,” Toni said sitting on the bar stool across from Rhodey.“My mom would hate this.” Toni grimaced.

“Why?” Rhodey said giving her a suspicious glare.

“Well look!” She gestured to the many boxes of food, “This has all kinds of salt and cholesterol and oil and shit. And there is so much of it.”

“Your mom a health nut?”

“Not at exactly, she was just always on some diet. This stuff makes you fat. Since I was like eleven she’s been making me do diets and stuff with her. I was gaining too much weight.” Toni said matter of fact.

 

Rhodey again felt a need to slap the elder starks. For fuck's sake, eleven-year-olds don’t need diets, and parents don’t need to call them fat. Not to mention Toni often forgot, or maybe choose, to eat anything and was not fat at all.

“Well, I promise the world won’t end if you eat some orange chicken or fried rice,” Rhodey says shaking his plastic fork for emphasis.

Toni smiled and shook her head.

 

Later Toni was screaming at the TV over the retcon in star trek enterprise. She was standing on the couch she met Rhodes smiling face

“Don’t you think? That doesn’t even make sense with TNG and they had already changed up stuff from TOS it’s a travesty!”

“The only Scifi I watched was Star Wars, I have no idea what you're talking about!”

“Okay, so how’d you feel when you watched the Phantom Menace?”

“I like it!”

Toni looked mock offended. She flopped back putting her head in his lap. “I trust you,” Toni mumbled. Rhodey smiled broader. He figured that was something special for Toni.

“Yeah, that’s good.”

“What do we watch now?”

“Idk something like the Lion King where you won’t fight the tv.”

Toni stuck her tongue out at him.

##  ~~~~~

Toni hated people, she just did. Because apparently if you just state the fact that their designs are incredibly stupid they get offended? Well, she had known that but her mouth was much faster than her mind, and in actuality, the design was never going to work. This was MIT people should be able to do this basic calculating and design. The fact this person couldn’t be insulting not to mention it slowed the whole group. Nuclear physics isn’t that hard!

 

However, after she pointed this out the stupid boy, tod was his name, and a bunch of his idiot friends had thought Toni saying something mean meant they should get to punch her outside the building. Toni thought this was an overreaction, then after having said that they continued their stupid method of conflict resolution and had literally kicked her when she was down. 

 

Anywho Toni was not a fan of the look Rhodey gave her when he saw her slowly forming a black eye.

“What?” Toni said tossing her bag to the floor with force. 

“Who?”

“You an owl?”

“Where?”

“When, What and why?” 

“Toni!”

“Alright, I may have called someone's semester project stupid, in front of our whole class.”

“So they sucker-punched you?”

“Yeah, and may have bruised my stomach haven’t checked that yet.”

“Jeez Tones,” Rhodey said lifting her shirt up, both ignoring the obvious flinch.

“It’s fine Rhodey I can take it.”

“What if you could give it back?”

“You gonna teach me to fight?” Toni said with a cautious smile.

“Well, your smart ass mouth and bad luck make me think it might be a useful skill.”

“Oh Rhodey bear, that is much more practical then ignore it.” Toni mused.

 

Self-defence lessons went mostly good. Toni could learn almost anything quickly so picking the basics up was easy, and a lot of self-defence is physics anyway. The problem was that some people still gave her that panic feeling, mostly grown men. Even if Toni new she could maybe fight back she would feel so limp if they looked at her weird, or when she was meant to break their hold from her hair. It was a bit embarrassing for Toni. God fighting fear was hard. 

 

But it was nice to be given some kind of recourse, but it didn’t make her much less scared. Even with some skills, she knew most people could still beat her ass if she was able to make her mind not whig out. She imagined she could maybe beat a frat boy? But even then outside of that studio she went back to feeling so small.

##  ~~~~~

Toni gave Rhodey a tight hug at the end of the year.

“Stay safe okay? Call me every day if you need.” Rhoey said for the thousandth time.

“I’ll be fine I lived with them for fourteen years I’m totally fine can handle a few months.”

“Toni I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t think those fourteen years exactly left you ‘totally fine’”

“Such a worry wart. I’ll be fine platypus you keep yourself safe.”

Jarvis rolled up. Toni placed a kiss on Rhodey's Cheek sighing. Come on Toni keep yourself the fuck together she reminded herself. She slid on Aviators and pasted on a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a lot of hurt/comfort indulgence. But isn't Rhodey the absolute best? true MVP. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, please?


	8. Keeping It Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Child abuse, emotional abuse, implied domestic violence, implied child sexual abuse, mild homophobia, referenced alcohol abuse, non-graphic self-harm 
> 
> Note: Chapter contains Non-graphic Discussions of the aftermath of 9/11 
> 
> Playlists Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs: 23

Toni hated summertime with a passion. She had spent the whole time spending as much time as possible locked in her room. Working constantly on coding and blueprints, things that didn’t require actual building. But no matter what it never seemed to really work, she still had to deal with the yelling, her mom was obsessive or cold like she always was and Obie visited.   
And Howard was Howard. A particularly exemplary example was the day after she came home.   
“I don’t like your hair like that,” Howard said as they sat in the living room.   
“Oh. okay. Umm, why?” Toni asked.   
“well, it’s better long. That short combined with your clothes looks like your messy or like a lesbian.”   
“I like it, I’m comfortable this way.”    
“Are you  lesbian?”   
“I don't know. I’m not thinking about that.”   
“Well, I guess that wouldn’t be the worst thing I could tolerate it.” Howard declared turning to his paper.   
  
Wow, I’m tolerated. Such support Toni thought to herself returning to the book she had been reading. It was the lord of the rings, and at that moment Toni thought she would rather battle six orc armies then stay in this godforsaken house.   
  
Toni was sitting in the car skipping through her music player. It was an early release version of the product everyone else wouldn’t get it till later and she, of course, made hers better, tinkering was her pastime anyway. Her mom was next to her staring at some paper about an upcoming party. Toni wasn’t actually sure where they were going she hadn’t heard what the directions to the driver were. Maria let out a long sigh,   
“Toni you know I’ve thought about leaving your father. A few times.”   
“Oh,” Toni said shifting in her seat. Her mother’s flippant tone was so odd to the kind of intense words she said.   
“It never made sense though. It wouldn’t be fair to you to make you go through all of what would have happened in the media. Not to mention he would receive custody of you, but he’s never home and you might end up nowhere. Or shipped between the two of us. I didn’t want that. And you know he’s never been violent enough to force my hand. And I know in his own way he loves me. And he does love you.”   
“Right, yeah, ah, i know.” Toni said slowly, “I understand,”   
“Alright. Well, we should be at the restaurant soon. We need ice cream.”   
“Yeah.” Toni nodded.   
Toni felt a pang hit her chest. Fuck something must have gone down earlier for her mom to want ice cream.    
  
Obie kept reminding her that he loved her and how he’d missed her. It made it hard to be angry even if it still felt wrong, still felt like she was drowning.   
The best day was when Fury came over. He made time to see her which always made Toni feel a bit better. This time he brought her a present.   
It was a book with a blank book jacket. She opened it up and inside were all kinds of spy tips.   
“It’s an outdated SHIELD field guide,” Nicky explained.   
“It’s for me?”   
“Yes”   
“Why?”   
“You never know what's going to happen Toni.”   
Toni nodded, that was very true. Her life had been a lot of things boring was not one of them.   
Toni spent a lot of time combing through the pages of the book. It talked about how to find and use safe houses, the essentials for a go bag, how to spot people watching you, quick disguises and other spy tips. It was also annotated by a few different spies personal experience of so many years in various degrees of faded ink. 

**  
~~~~~**

  
  
Toni was at one of the large dances celebrating something or raising money? Or something who the fuck knew, and more to the point who fucking gave a shit? An endless spilling of people asked her Mom about charity to which her mom gave mostly nonsensical long-winded answers and Howard’s conversations seemed to always include money. She was bored and couldn’t even get drunk here, Howard had told her that everyone was talking about her college drinking problem. Toni had had to bit back a laugh. She had started drinking before college, but they didn’t notice did they? But they never did. Toni followed her mom during a break to the hallway her mom was breathing harshly spinning her bracelet. Toni bit her lip and walked up, her nail pressed into her palms.

  
“Mom, what's wrong?”   
“Oh, you know crowded.”   
“No, that’s not it.”    
“It’s was hard with you gone, your father can be well judgmental.”   
And loud and cruel. Toni’s mind supplied.   
“I’m sorry mom, Jarvis is pretty adept at helping after, let him know.”    
“What are you doing? It’s your charity ball, Maria.” Howard cut in.

“I don’t want to be here though, I’m getting tired,” Maria said with a sigh.

“Get up. Come with me, we have to finish this thing” Howard said trying to sound patient but the rough way he yanked Maira up Toni winced at the harsh grasp and Maria’s pained look.   
“Course” Maria replied standing up, she wiped her eyes fixed her hair and plastered on a smile.   
Toni followed suit her mother gripped her bracelet, Toni fiddled with her necklace. Like mother Like daughter Toni thought bitterness rolling through her.

##    
~~~~~

  
Toni ran full force into Rhodey the day she got back to MIT.   
“Hey Baby girl.” He said spinning her around.   
“So glad to be back.” She said   
“Guessing summer was not the best?”   
“No.”   
“You know this fall break you should come and meet momma Rhodes.”   
“Why?”   
“Ah, I’m sure you thanksgivings aren’t the best.”   
“Last year I ate a cup o’ soup.”   
“Exactly”

  
They went into their place and Toni sighed lying down on the couch letting out a long breath. Hopefully, this would go okay. Just school, her bots and Rhodey. She didn’t need anything else.   
  
However, Toni found herself constantly anxious. She had dug her fingernails so far into her palms that she had drawn blood. She was staring into the mirror. Again she found herself hating what looked back at her, so tired so lost. She wasn’t even doing what she was good at. She hadn’t sent anything into her dad and she sure as fuck wasn’t fucking anyone which she really should, it’s what Obie said she was good for and it’s what everyone but Rhodey wanted from her.

 

##  ~~~~~

  
  
Toni like everyone else stood in front of her tv feeling terror and confusion watching the towers fall. The sickening thought of all those people dying and the screams made her dizzy. Rhodey had cried which had been something else even if it was that stoic kind of tears. He had asked Toni why multiple times, which she had no idea how to answer. He had a friend from school who interned in the towers. Toni had held him.   
  
Two days later  Toni got a call from Jarvis. Howard and her mother would be in DC for the foreseeable future. Toni figured a war was going to be waged over all of it so she figured Howard would be trying to figure out much money he could make from this off. Blood money from dead bodies and screams. Eh well, she thought at least he would be happy.    
  
“You know I have to now Toni.” He said.   
“I know.”   
“I mean look.” He said the news seemed to have been nothing but those fucking burning buildings for days. And Rhodey refused to let her shut off the news even if it was just repeating death.   
“I know. Do what you have to.”   
“I’m gonna finish school.”   
“Okay,”

  
The whole world now matched the chaos seemingly written inescapably in her coding slowly eating away at everything else she was.  Toni thought this was another one of those times you can never go back from, for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short i know but i feel like this really grounds the story in between dramatic life events for our protagonist. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter and the story. 
> 
> Also if any of yall actually listen to the music let me know. I spent so much time on it it's kinda ridiculous.


	9. Chaos In The Code

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced Alcohol abuse, referenced child abuse, panic attacks, dissociation, referenced disordered eating
> 
> Playlist link:  
>   
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCTl)  
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs: 24-26

In early November Toni woke up and stumbled into the kitchen sobs choking in her throat as tears rushed down her face her body ached and her head burned. She poured whisky only half making it in her hands were shaking so much. She shut her eyes downing it not even tasting it just wanting it to dull something. The second times she poured most of it actually made the glass that time. Toni held the cold glass her vision swimming, She jumped when she felt hands on her shoulder.

 

“Get the fuck off me” She yelled pushing the person back her mind screaming at her to run. She turned to walk and fell over hitting the ground harshly

“Toni !” The figure shouted

 

She stared into the dark and the light clicked on. Oh god, it was going to happen, they were going to hurt her. Who was it? Didn’t sounds like Obie, too much to be her Mother. She felt the strangling feeling overtaking her. But it was just Rhodey was standing over her.

 

“What are you doing?” He shouted, “it’s two in the goddamn morning!”

“Why are you yelling at me!” Toni screamed back

“Look at me”

Toni starred up he had what she assumed was her drink splashed on his shirt. It then clicked in her head she had hit him. God, she was awful, why was she so awful.

“I’m sorry.”

He sat down,

“Toni I know you are going through shit. Just you can’t hit me when I touch you.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. What do you want? I can get you anything I swear they don’t really monitor what I buy.” Toni said then snapped her mouth shut so she didn’t actually beg him to stay.

“You can’t buy my love Toni, you already have it. Just please work on not throwing whisky on my shirt kay?”

Toni nodded.

 

Rhodey helped her back to bed. He grimaced when he turned back to see the glass smashed on the floor. There was a significant part of him who wanted to just through all the alcohol out the window. But she had actually been doing better a lot better than when they’d first been hanging out. He didn’t want to break her trust so he went to bed, they’d clean the shit up in the morning.

## ~~~~~

Toni found herself curled in the passenger seat of Rhodey’s car, they were on the drive to his house for Thanksgiving. She was unbelievably nervous, she didn’t know what to expect, god she just hoped that she would be okay and not fuck shit up to bad.

“Okay Toni start talking we have been in this car for almost two hours and you haven’t said anything”

“Maybe I find road signs fascinating!” Toni quipped.

“Stop being a jerk and tell me what's wrong.” Rohedey sighed.

 

Toni figured she could keep snapping and not have to deal with feelings but then Rhodey would be pissed at her, she could tell him the truth, or, or she could skirt the truth “I have a migraine. And I hate leaving the Bots. and it’s just weird to spend Thanksgiving with mostly strangers.”

“Well you could sleep then you might have less of a headache. And the bots are fine.” Rhodey said.

“Yeah, I just hope U and Dum-E aren’t too lonely.”

“You left them all summer.”

“I turned them off. I didn’t this time. They weren’t all that pleased at missing months.”

“Well don’t be too worried. You're a fantastic mother.”

“Oh god me a mother.”

“And as for Thanksgiving with strangers, I won’t leave you to the masses I promise.”

Toni gave Rohdey a weak smile.

 

Toni woke with a start banging her head on the door frame. Her heart beating fast she glanced at Rhodey who was looking at her concerned. The scene surrounded by an orange glare.

“You okay?”

“Sorry, I fell asleep huh?”

“Yeah and we’re here.”

 

Toni glanced around it was a street of row cramped houses. She pulled her backpack on her shoulder it was a modified version of the ‘go bag’ from Nicky’s SHIELD book. It was lighter on weapons and rations but it was the things she couldn’t live without. She took a deep breath as Rhodey opened the door.

 

The living room had a group of people talking softly but the calm was broken when a girl a little younger then Toni rushed towards Rhodey.

“Jeanette!” Rhodey shouted.

“It took you forever to get here,” Jeanette whined

“Yeah well someone took forever to get ready.”

Toni huffed

“You must be Toni,” Mrs Rhodes said, “I’m Roberta, that’s my husband Terrance and You have met Jeanette.”

“I’m Toni. but I guess you know that” Toni said and then felt her face flush red.

“Hi Toni, James talks about you a lot.” Mr Rhodes said and stuck his hand out to Toni

Toni flinched in a way she hoped was not obvious when their hands met.

“Hey, so when is Josh getting here?” Rhodey said.

“He, Mary and Anne will be here tomorrow”

“Who are they?” Toni asked.

“My uncle and aunt and their daughter she is around my age,” Rhodey explained.

Toni nodded as they moved into the house. Rhodey took the bags up to the room Toni sat in the living room. Jeanette came and sat next to her.

“You are like my age?”

“How old are you?”

“Thirteen.”

“Yeah, I guess I’m fifteen.”

“But you're in college?”

“Yes. I’m just really smart.”

“The internet says your dad bought your spot.”

“Believe everything you read?” Toni snapped.

“God, don’t like people pointing out you're spoiled?” Jeanet snarked back.

“Why are we fighting?” Rhodey said, “You picking on my little sis?”

“No,” Toni mumbled

“I guess I wasn’t nice. Just Rhodey talks about you all the time so looked you up. I’m supposed to watch out for him he’s my brother, and obligated by like the rules of siblinghood to be nosy”

“Yeah, Jeanette don’t do that. I don’t think gossip blogs are the best place to learn about people.” Rhodey chastised

Jeanette rolled her eyes, “Sorry I said your dad bought your grades.”

“Sorry I snapped,” Toni grumbled

Rhodes smiled, “See I knew you could get along.”

That comment earned him two almost identical eye rolls.

“Quit harassing the girls James help me bring the holiday table up!” Mr Rhodes called.

Toni heard something fall in the kitchen she jumped up and she walked to the doorway.

“Mrs Rhodes are you okay?” She asked cautiously.

“Yes, Toni I’m fine. Preparing Thanksgiving is a lot of work.”

“Okay.”

“Come In here help me out.” Mrs Rhodes said enthusiastically

 

Toni stepped fully into the kitchen hugging her arms into herself. It was homey everything was slightly messy, and nothing had an unnatural level of shine.

“Just so you know. I can only cook cereal, ramen and peanut butter sandwiches.”

“That's fine you can lay out the plates for Tonight.”

Toni nodded she pulled plates from the open cabinet.

“Do you like James.”

“Umm, what do you mean?”

“I mean do you have a crush on him?”

“No, “ Toni said turning to face Mrs Rhodes. “Mrs Rhodes he’s my best friend. I do love him, but no I don’t want to date him or...”

“Okay.” She said smiling, “just making sure.”

 

Toni nodded and returned to placing everything out. She noted that they only had one kind of fork with a kind of perverse pleasure. See she thought we only need one fork. They sat at the kitchen table. Everyone chatted lightly. Toni found she was actually enjoying herself and then, well when did Toni have good luck.'

“Oh come on I hate that class do I have to go?”

Toni's eyes widened she turned to Jeanette

“Yeah, you do.” Mr Rhodes said.

 

The conversation continued after a dramatic sigh on the kids part. but Toni was on edge that hasn't set anything off but it was strike one she knew now she had to be extra careful, not to make anything worse. But as soon as Toni thought it she knocked her cup over. Panic ran through her chest.

 

“I’m sorry Mr Rhodes I really am,” Toni said as the man he looked at her

“Please, I swear I really am.” She repeated and shut her eyes, waiting for yelling or worse. Tears sliding from her eyes god now he would be mad at her for crying.

But nothing happened. She opened her eyes and everyone was just staring at her.

“I’m sorry” Toni repeatedly numbly Why didn't he just do whatever it was he was going to do?

“Baby girl calm down.” Rhodey said, “no one's gonna hurt you.”

“I’ll clean it up,” Toni said her mind not fully processing Rhodey’s words.

“Stop.” Mrs Rhodes said. Toni froze.

“What are you doing?”

Toni didn’t know what she wanted, why did people not just say what they wanted?

“Do you really think we’re that mad at you for spilling water?”

Toni stared blankly, “what do you want?”

“You need to sit down.”

Toni sat.

“Jen, why don’t you clean up the water?”

She did look confused.

Toni couldn’t get her heart to stop pounding against her ribs, everything felt disjointed.

Rhodey’s voice came through, “baby girl I promise they aren’t going to hurt you.”

She nodded.

“Can I give you a hug?”

“yeah”

Rhodey hugged her. She let out a shuddering breath leaning into the hug.

“Do you wanna lay down?” he said.

Toni nodded.

 

Rhodey took her upstairs and waved his arm. She looked around the room it was pretty normal cliche even he had model planes and tiny green army like a nerd. But the best part was the Top Gun poster.

 

“You got a crush on Tom Cruise?” Toni said her voice mercifully coming out teasing and calm. Good, she was so embarrassed.

“Yeah, I do don’t judge me in love with Captain America. Now lay down you look the wind could knock you over.”

Toni did and breathed out a breath she hadn’t constantly been holding. Much to her surprise, she fell asleep  fast, “nighty night Rhodey Bear”

 

Rhodey went back downstairs his family looked at him expectantly.

“What the hell was that?” Jennette asked.

“Toni’s parents, they abuse her.” He said, then anger overtook him, “ If they weren't the richest people I swear to god.”

“James it’s okay.” Mrs Rhodes said.

“No mom it isn’t. I can’t protect her!” Rhodey said.

“That isn’t your job.” Mr Rhodes said placating.

“If someone was hurting Jen it would be my job.”

“I’m your sister.”

“Yeah but I feel like that for Toni, she is family. God, she thinks she can do everything on her own, but she doesn’t even remember to feed herself!”

“Well Bring her here for Christmas too.” Mrs Rhodes said with finality, “If she is your family then she’s ours.”

Rhodey smiled.

 

That morning Toni stepped Over Rhodey’s sleeping form and wandered down to the kitchen in search of coffee.

Mrs Rhodes was already there drinking a cup.

“Good morning Toni.”

“Oh hi. I’m sorry for last night Mrs Rhodes.”

“Call me mama Rhodes everyone else does.”

“Oh okay. Nickname.” Toni smiled. Then she frowned again. “Umm do I need to pay you? To not tell people about what happened. Because you know I can get much of anything.”

“No.” Mama Rhodes cut her off, “God no why would you need to do that?”

“People like money,” Toni said shrugging her shoulders

“Yes but I’m not going to make you pay me for giving you a panic attack.” Mama Rhodey said rolling her eyes.

“Oh. Sorry”

“Toni, You don’t have to apologise for everything.” Mama Rhodes said. Toni poured coffee she sat at a seat built into the window watching the snow. She drank some thinking about how dumb it was that people being nice was stressful for her. Mr Rhodes came inside.

 

“Happy Thanksgiving.” He said kissing his wife. He turned to face Toni, “How’d you sleep?”

“Well, thank you.”

“Sorry if we frightened you last night.”

“That's not your fault, I’m just sensitive I guess.” Toni shrugged.

He gave her a brief pitying expression but then turned to get his own coffee. They all jumped when the door to the kitchen crashed open,

“Good god Toni you should have woken me up!” Rhodey said.

“Where’d think I went?” Toni mocked.

“I don’t know called Jarvis to take you away.”

“If I wanted an evac I’d Call uncle Nicky. I’m pretty sure he has helicopters and I’m pretty sure don’t give a crap if it’s legal to land on the street.”

Rhodes sighed, “you know better than to scare me like that.”

“Okay but I’m not passed out in the snow this time. “ Toni countered.

Rhodey rolled his eyes and started another pot of coffee.

“What does your Uncle do? He a pilot?” Mr Rhodes said changing the subject.

“He's CIA,” Toni said, people knew what the CIA was, people weren’t supposed to know what SHIELD was.

“Oh, those guys.” Mr Rhodes said shaking his head clearly disgusted

“What do you do?” Toni said hotly

“I’m a chief master sergeant in the air force.” Mr Rhodes said, “We fight on the front lines, unlike the spies.”

“Hey Uncle Nicky is very brave” Toni shot back.

“I’m sure he is.” Mr Rhodes said, “I wasn’t trying to insult your uncle.”

“I’m sorry I snapped. He's just”

“Your uncle I get it, we stand up for our family.”

Jennette called, “They're here”

 

Toni let the morning blur together Rhodey’s uncle, aunt and cousin came Toni was polite but she couldn’t make her mind focus enough. They watched the parade as another over long ad break started Toni rolled her eyes and stood up to go get her journal with her invention ideas. She paused when she heard Mama Rhodes talking in a hushed tone.

 

“Mary do you think you could let Josh know to try and keep it together during the game.” Mama Rhodes said

“ You know you're not everyone's mom.”

“No, James’s friend she’s very anxious. I think his usual level and excitement might be too much for her, she could get scared.”

"What do you mean?"

"She had a panic attack out she spilt water, thought we were going to hurt her. I don't think yelling and punching shoulders would be better. I just think we should be careful shes very fragile. 

“Oh okay.”

 

Mary’s reply came in an odd kind of tone that Toni didn’t much care for. She guessed it made sense she probably did come off as fragile breaking down over the water. But it was still a bit insulting. When she came back down Mama Rhodey called her in.

 

“Toni you didn’t eat any breakfast.”

“I had coffee,” Toni said

“Yes, but you should have something. We aren’t really gonna have lunch but you need something before dinner.”

“Alright.” Toni grabbed some of the cinnamon bread that was on the counter. After she started eating Toni became hungry she finished three slices and smiled.

“That’s fantastic!” Toni smiled.

“I’m glad.”

“Where did you buy it?” Toni said absentmindedly.

“I made it.”

“Oh, right you cook. Then you make amazing bread. Could I have the recipe, if there is one, I wanna see if Jarvis could make it?”

“Sure, Toni.”

 

Toni smiled. She went back into the living room. She was in time to see a Santa Claus ring in the holiday season. Joy! Toni thought. She went back to her notebook curling her legs under her and going over her ideas and calculations.

 

She started when Mama Rhodey called her and Mr Josh to help her set the table.

“Why I gotta help?” Josh said.

“You're my little brother.” She shrugged.

“Hi, Toni never really said hello. Your Rhodey’s roommate right?”

Toni nodded.

“He told us you built a robot.”

“I have three bots. They're my boys, Fido is a dog I’ve had him for like years. Then Dum-E and U are new. They’re like my children. Do you know about AI? They're not true AI yet obviously but like that’s the goal. What about mechanics do you know? for some reason, hands are proving to be a struggle?” Toni said her eyes lighting up her hands waving.

  
  


“Ahh no sorry. I’m an accountant.”

“Oh sorry Mr Josh, I was rambling,” Toni said she wrapped her hands around her digging her fingers in her eyes dropping to the ground.“Sorry.”

Josh furrowed his brow and stepped towards Toni. She took a step back.  He turned to Mama Rhodey who cleared her throat,

“According to Rhodey what you will need to build is a functional watch.” She said calmly.

“Rhodey. Yeah, he is always trying to get me to like sleep at a reasonable hour and not live on energy drinks.” She shrugged but she couldn’t stop a fond smile spreading across his lips.

“Such a mother hen that boy. That would be your fault” Mr Josh said nodding at Mama Rhodey.

“Ahh yes but he does it from love just like his mother.” Mama Rhodes replied.

Toni smiled they finished laying out and plating all the food.

 

She sat down around a family dinner. Her own anxiety still ate at her chest but the conversation was kind and the food was fantastic. They talked about sports (Toni didn’t care but everyone was very adamant about their team.) Toni joined in on the movie conversation, the conversation briefly drifted to news and politics which put everyone on edge but Jeanette mercifully brought up her algebra class and everyone could let out a collective breath. Toni was rather happy no one noticed her food had mostly been strategically moved around on the plate, so it looked like she had eaten most of it.

Afterwards, they watched a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, Toni curled into Rhodey her letting herself soak up her warmth. Rhodey wrapped his Toni up in his arm brushing her hair from her eyes. Anne gave him a raised eyebrow.  He shrugged only a few minutes later Toni had fallen asleep. Hmm, he thought it was early for her but it was probably good she was sleep. He carried her to his room putting her down on the bed. He seemed to do this a lot he shook his head.

**~~~~~**

Rhodey went downstairs and went to get water from the kitchen.

 

Anne was perched with a glass of wine on the counter.

“What was that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you were gay?”

“I am ?”

“Then what is between you and Toni?”

“She’s family. She’s also fifteen, she’s like another little sister.”

Anne nodded. “She doesn’t have any family?”

“Not any good one. So how’s school going?”

“Good. Who knew being a dentist took so much work.”

“I still don’t understand why you want to poke in peoples mouths.”

“I don’t know why you want to get shot at five thousand feet.”

“Yeah yeah.”

 

Going back to campus was jarring it was like she had walked through the Twilight Zone of Rhodey’s home back to the reality of the life.  

 

Toni watched Buffy on tv, she was relatable as hell but something about her that was her trauma, everything from spike raping her to being buried alive meant something, she was a powerful tragedy. Every story was like that though from Van Gogh to Marilyn Monroe but Toni didn’t feel like that curled on her couch bags under her eyes in Rhodey’s oversized sweatshirt and unbrushed hair. She couldn’t seem to manage the beautiful trauma of elegant starlight just the pitiful pain of one the people who died in the first five minutes of a cop show. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did y'all think?


	10. In beautiful Trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Non-graphic rape, alcoholism, implied child abuse, past child sexual abuse, referenced domestic violence, mild drug use, and descriptions of dissociative episodes
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT
> 
> songs: 27-19

Toni was sitting in the lobby of the engineering building she wasn’t allowed in the labs this early as someone had maybe caught things on fire, that no one could prove was her. Even if it had been her it was only a tiny explosion maybe because of fatigue.

“Hey Stark?” someone whispered into her ear. 

She jumped and looked up, “Oh my god Tiberius Stone.” 

“Good to see you.”

“What are you doing at MIT?”

“I transferred here. May or may not have gotten in trouble with My last college.”

Toni rolled her eyes, “So you went from causing trouble and a gazillion dollar prep school to causing trouble at gazillion dollar colleges?

“Well, we can’t change what we are good at.”

Toni’s smile faltered, but she kept staring at him. He was really cute even more than in high school. His clothes screamed I cost a more than I’m actually worth and his hair was a shiny dark quiff and his smile made her heart skip a beat, feeling like her pre-teen self crushing on him.

“So, you old enough to party now?” Tiberius asked, but it sounded more like a statement.

“You believe everything the tabloids say?”

“Well, if you are you should come with me, we can drop your stuff off and you can change. It should be fun, the most expensive liquor and the best weed money can buy.”

 

Toni bit her lip she never really been to a party, drinking alone was her usual thing, and this sounded loud but It was also Tiberius Stone the boy everyone wanted to be friends with, asking her to go. “Fuck it why not.” She said.

 

Toni went home and put on a dress, yes she had actually bought some in case she needed to be respectable on short notice even if she preferred sweatpants. She left a note for Rhodey letting him know she was out with an old friend, not to wait up. She climbed in his fancy car and drove through the iced-over streets.  

 

They arrived at a large house. 

“It’s the Hammer boy’s place,” Tiberius explained.

They went inside he greeted everyone with a laugh. Toni felt her nervousness climb but then she saw the bar. Thank fuck she thought, alcohol her constant companion in hard times.

Tiberius placed his hand on her waist and pulled her behind the bar.

“What's your poison?” He asked.

“Strong” Toni replied. 

 

He grinned at her and the good kind of butterflies moved her stomach. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. But it was fun, the combination of alcohol and smoking made everything smoothed over. Tiberius and his friends did quite a few extremely stupid things including one of them breaking their arm biking down the grand staircase.

 

Tiberius helped her to her apartment. She fumbled for her keys and jumped when the door opened to Rhodey’s displeased face.

 

“I know I’m past curfew” Toni giggled, “But don’t worry sour puss. Tiberius helped me” 

“So you're her bodyguard?” Tiberius asked

“I'm her best friend,” Rhodey said pulled himself to full height.

“Well, I’ve known her longer than you have. She had a good time, you should come with next time.” Tiberius said smiling sliding his hand into his Pockets and he got back into his Camaro.

Rhodey rolled his eyes Toni was eating a pop tart on the couch.

“Let’s get into bed kid.”

“Don’t bike indoors.” Toni slurred.

“Got it,” Rhodey said with a sigh

  
**~~~~~**

Rhodey and Toni were sitting in their apartment when someone banged on the door.

Rhodey opened the door much to Toni’s approval as her hands had started shaking with the first knock.

Tiberius was in the doorway looking cool if you asked Toni, slimy if you asked Rhodey. 

“Ms stark, I must ask you to attend a party with me Tonight. A charity event for somewhere in Africa.”

“Why?”

“It's some shit thing that my dad wants. I’m supposed to bring a date and you pass as respectable.”

“I do?” Toni cocked her head to the side grinning.

“Well being friends with you is smart. Maybe then your dad won’t lead a hostile takeover.”

“So you're taking me to please our dads?”

“Also it will be like old times. Except we’ll be the ones already out of it.”

“Why should I go?”

Tiberius held out flowers, Toni raised her eyebrow. He sighed and flashes a six pack.

 

“Oh, Mr Stone I shall accompany you. But I think I need a dress.”

Tiberius called behind him. Two men came in carrying dresses, 

“I think I guessed your size.”

Toni shook her head, “Rhodey I’m gonna need your help to try these on.”

She chose a blue dress with a drop waist and long sleeves covered in fine white lace. It was very seasonally appropriate.

When she got out she passed her dress to one of the waiting men. 

He grabbed her waist Toni stiffened as he spun her around.

“What was that?”

“Testing your sober balance?”

He passed her beer, “you can drink without spilling yes?”

“Course I can, you can’t spill liquor on your uniform.” Toni rolled her eyes. 

“Kay I’ll pick you up at nine? Do your hair up nice?”

“I will.”

Rhodey raised his eyebrow at the interaction.

 

##  ~~~~~

 

It was the day before Christmas break and Toni was packing. She had been invited to Rhode’s but Jarvis had informed her that they were doing some kind of thing in DC so instead she was staying in some stuffy hotel with politicians.  However, packing was going very very slow as her hangover and disconnection left her with blurry vision. She had gone to Ty’s, god she had another nickname, which made her heart flutter, Christmas party it had been insane every drink and drug that could be made into Christmas theme had been.

 

Toni went into the living room and took some aspirin and met Rhodey’s disapproving glare.

“What?” She said 

He just stared at her. Toni rolled her eyes pouting 

“I don’t like Tiberius.” Rhodey blurted

“Why?”

“Because you have been going out every weekend.”

“I'm having fun.”

“Really?”

“Course i am”

“ Don’t insult my intelligence. You think I don’t notice you still are anxious all the time, still have panic attacks? Do you think I don’t realise you’re drinking more? You think I can’t see how hurt you still are? This isn’t making things any better.”

“Even so that's my decision what's it got to do with Ty?”

“Are you that naive?”Rhodey sighed

“What are you talking about?” Toni snapped.

“He wants to fuck you and protect his dad’s company! He doesn’t give a damn about you, your a means to an end one he can use as a sex toy.”

“I know that he wants stuff from but even so he still likes me! Why should I give a fuck if he wants my money or body at least he wants me for something.”

“Toni! You're being so fucking blind think...”

“Just Please I know I might be going too far but I just want him to like me? You aren’t always going to be here.”

Rhodey sighed, they would fight about this again another day.

“Okay baby girl, Okay.” Rhodey hugged her, “I know you are not doing well so I won’t push it.”

 

##  ~~~~~

 

Mid January Toni was sitting in her room watching Ty emphatically describe something. He was pretty funny when he got like this. However, she was caught off guard when Ty smashed his face into hers. The shocking kiss melted into what Toni assumed would be called making out. Toni felt fuzzy after that, Ty smiled and acted like it was all normal. 

 

That night she was staring the messages on her phone. Ty was making plans about having sex. She didn’t really know why she was agreeing with the idea of sex was sickening. but she knew if she said no he wouldn’t like her anymore. 

 

Toni could swear she was saying no. but no matter what she did he kept pushing her. Pulling her clothes back off. She would swear she was saying no. but he wasn’t hearing her. Eventually, she just quit fighting. She laid back tears ran down the side of her face. She concentrated on the ceiling ignoring the pain, the hot breath and stickiness. 

 

Wandering home she was shaking the whole time.

“You’re home early,” Rhodey said.

“Well, I wanted to get some work done for class.”

“Good. “ Rhodey said, “popcorn?”

“Absolutely,” Toni said smiling.

 

The next two months. Toni felt herself switching from one mode to another. Her mind was either at top speed trying to work. Or her thoughts were extremely confused and hazy to the point she couldn’t remember what she was doing, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t see. Every time Ty showed up to the door with his shark smile and a sleek suit. Part of he screamed just run, run! 

 

But Toni couldn’t. She’d remember that Maria was glad she was seeing Tiberius, they made such a smart and cute couple. She’d think of Obie telling her that sex was what she was good at anyway. She’d remember how alone she was. It didn’t really matter, because people didn’t listen when she said no anyway, this was just what sex was like, it was what you had to do. so Toni smiled and he kissed her neck. And she dug her fingers into her arms. 

 

Toni came in at what she was sure was an ungodly hour of the night but she couldn’t find it in her to give a fuck. She was mad. Fucking paparazzi taking photos of her drinking her way to many drinks, she may or may not have flipped them off. Who cares it didn’t matter, it was annoying she got judged way more than the dudes giving her the fucking drinks with something else in them. 

 

“Rhodey!” She yelled, “I’m home!”

Toni jumped when some dude came out of the bathroom.

“Am I in the wrong apartment?”

“No Toni, That’s mike. You would know that if you weren’t off your face anytime you met him!” Rhodey snapped.

“Oh. He your boyfriend?” Toni asked. Silence sat in the room. “Whoops haven't had the conversation yet huh?.” Toni mumbled.

She worked her way passed Mike and onto the couch. 

“God fuck. Introduce me again when I might remember it.”

She heard and indigent kind of noise but was half asleep. Toni woke up when she smelt coffee she moved like a zombie to the smell.

 

“Toni.” Rhodey’s said

“What?” Toni said, looking up at him. He looked really mad.

“You can’t keep at it like this!”

“Why not?”

“Because you're being more of a jackass. You're forgetting things, you are too smart to not remember someone you’ve met more than once. You're also way too smart to be failing a class.”

“You're not my father,” Toni growled.

“No. But you clearly need someone to get you back on track.”

“Fuck you. I can do whatever I like, whenever I feel like doing it. I’m Toni fucking Stark I can do anything and no one ever stops me!”

“Toni you can’t keep fucking doing this. It’s driving me up the goddamn wall, it’s too much.”

Toni felt like she'd been stabbed. He was bailing. Images and sounds of her father saying Maria was too much, that Toni should fix it, he didn’t have the time, it was her fault anyhow. God Toni was like her mom, too much too crazy too stupid. He should just leave now if he was going to leave anyway.

“Fine then. Screw you....you bastard. Leave if you have to, why should I care? I don’t give a damn anymore it was always going to come to this anyway.”

Rhodey growled under his breath. Toni sat at the table watching him pack a bag, her eyes glazed over like she was in a simulation nothing felt real.

“I’m going to mikes.”  He stated.

Toni crawled on the couch and stared at the tv screen to numb to even turn it on.

##  ~~~~~

Rhodey’s stomach churned as we walked towards his maybe boyfriends house. He wanted to punch something, or do anything! 

“What’s up?” Mike said

Rhodey looked him over. He had brown skin and he had a military haircut that mirrored Rhodey’s. His hazel eyes shone with concern, so sweet so calm.

“Toni and I are fighting,” Rhodey said his voice cracking

Mike hugged Rhodey tightly, tears moistened the fabric of Mikes t-shirt.

 

“Fuck the girl man. She doesn’t see it. I’m not even really mad at her. But she is either so drunk she runs into walls or so anxious she vibrates. God, she looks like death, like the day I carried her home. She is back to flinching whenever I touch her. Does she not see what she is doing? She’s gonna kill her liver and she’s just a kid! And she isn’t even all that good at being a jerk, she thinks she yells at me but it’s like being yelled at by a puppy dog who just got kicked.”

“Calm down,” Mike said.

“How?” Rhodey mumbled

“Look you're hoping if you give her space, she’ll come around yes?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you have a plan.”

“She could also just give herself alcohol poisoning,” Rhodey muttered.

“Well give her a few days. You don’t know what’s going through her head.”

“Vodka and Tiberius Stone,” Rhodey said.

Mike just rolled his eyes and Smiled.

 

Rhodey could almost smile back. But Rhodey knew somewhere inside of him that he would soon be carrying the pieces of his shattered best friend home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think


	11. Picking Up The Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Rape, Eating disorders, weight issues, injury, self-harm, alcohol abuse, hospitalization, medical treatment, implied/referenced domestic violence, implied/referenced child sexual abuse, implied/referenced child abuse and   
> Other: not sure if a trigger but discussions of eating disorder treatment
> 
> Playlist:   
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> songs 30-32

Toni spent the next few days or maybe a week or who knew. Fuck everything was in a fog her whole body ached every step she took. Everything was so out of her control. Trying to control something she skipped meals, put her clothes on tight, smile right. But nothing she did worked. Toni  wished everything would just stop, stop being too much and not enough all at once. Toni kept finding herself digging her nails in her skin even once scratching her arm on purpose with a screwdriver so she bled, to try and feel human.    
  
Toni was laying down she grunted sitting up and looked around her. Ty’s house, right that was where she was. She looked at the window it was night time. Oh yeah party, right. She looked down, her underwear was off, oh yeah that. She got dressed falling into the walls everything was all out of joint. She looked down her arms were bruised she thought they had been earlier but not that bad right? After steadying herself she wandered out. Ty and his friends were talking in a circle.

  
“Ty. I wanna go home.” Toni said, sounding much too much like a baby for her liking. But her head hurt she couldn’t help but wine.   
“Aww, you wore the baby out.” Mark laughed mirroring her own self-deprecation.   
“Nah she knows how to take it. Probably just not been sleeping well, I’ll take her home” Ty laughed.    
Toni climbed out at her door the whole place swimming and felt herself fall forward. To her shock, it was Rhodey who held her.   
“What the fuck did you do to her” She heard Rhodey growl.   
“What are you talking about?” Ty grumbled   
“She's covered in bruises there's blood on her legs!”    
“It’s okay Rhodey bear. I probably fought too hard. I know it’s better if I stay still” Toni said.   
a loud sound filled her ears maybe a scream? but then everything went black.   
  
Rhodey was sitting next to Toni in a hospital room. He looked at her small bruise covered form. It made him want to kill Tiberius Stone. He might have to if he didn’t know he had to get Toni to the hospital asap. The name stark had gotten them into an executive sweet. She had woken up briefly before vomiting and passing out again.  A large amount of Toni’s cash and his insistence she would freak if she woke up alone was all that was letting Rhodey stay in the room but he hadn’t been given any answers as he wasn’t family.

  
Rhodey jumped when Jarvis walked in with a nurse who had a box.    
“Mr Rhodes, why don’t you step out with me?” Jarvis said.   
Rhodey followed.   
“What are they doing?” Rhodey asked as a doctor went into Toni's room.   
“Mrs Stark has convinced them to do an assessment while she is unconscious lest Howard need it in his proceedings”   
Rhodey punched the wall. Jarvis let out a long sigh at the action. The impulsivity of youth he thought.   
“Are they with you?” Rhodey said into the cool surface of the wall.   
“Not at the moment.”   
“Fuck shouldn’t they be here? Bastards.”   
“I don’t know what Toni has told you about them”   
“Oh don’t defend them!” Rhodey growled.   
“I don't know what Toni has told you about them, but even if "bastard" was an apt description of Howard and Maria they don’t want Toni to die. They will be here tomorrow/”   
Rhodey half smiled, “she does like you Mr Jarvis. Your not a bastard.”   
“I fear I will be one when he looks back,” Jarvis said   
Rhodey was shocked but the emotion in that sentence. He’d always seemed almost like a robot butler but then he looked like an old man who had seen too much.

  
“You think Howard can get them to through the book at him? Put him jail so Toni only has to talk if she wants to?” Rhodey said turning to the window.   
“Mr Stark intends to settle out of court. Movement of assets, restraining order the like.”   
“Wait! No, I won’t let that happen. Stone should be in jail or dead!” Rhodey said.   
“Mr Rhodes” Jarvis turned to him, his voice rising.   
“You and I are to ensure Toni recovers, we are to try and mitigate the ham and prevent further damage. Our concern is Toni. We can not change Mr Stark or Stone no matter how much we might feel inclined to.”

  
Rhodey Mutely nodded. A nurse came out and nodded toward both of them curtly. Rhodey went back inside To his surprise Toni was awake.   
He sat next to her and held her hand. She hugged him her arm yanking the IV pole towards them with the force of the embrace.   
“I’m so sorry Rhodey bear.” She murmured   
“No problem baby girl. I should have known something was wrong, I shouldn’t have just walked out.”   
“No just thank you.” Toni looked up, “Jarvis you're here.”   
“Of course I am here.” He said softly.   
“Is mom coming?” Toni asked   
“They both are.”   
“Oh.”   
“Your mother will be here Tonight. And then Mr stark will arrive after procedures with Mr Stone have concluded.”   
“Okay.”

  
The nurse came back in.   
“Hello, Antonia.” The nurse said, “how are you feeling?.”   
“Like hell warmed over,” Toni joked.   
The nurse took vitals and sighed. “Would you like to know what’s going on.” She asked Toni.   
Toni nodded. She could probably work it out but everything was too foggy to do much.   
“Okay so your blood alcohol level was deeply concerning, you were dehydrated,  anaemic, malnutrition and your electrolytes are imbalanced. We are trying to get things settled as best as possible. We're gonna bring something mall for you to eat tonight if it all possible.”   
Toni nodded so the nurse continued.   
“You will be experiencing discomfort from the bruising and vaginal tearing.” The nurse continued   
Toni winced and reached for Rhodey’s hand. She was sure Rhodey had worked out why she would be experiencing vaginal tearing thankfully Rhodey squeezed back.   
“Psychology will be coming to speak to you tomorrow. For now, we need to get you dehydrated and renourished.”

  
Toni nodded she held back her tears. Damn, she couldn’t cry but it was all just so much, so much. Deep breath, bite your tongue, never let them see you cry.   
Rhodey kissed her head and she felt like crying again. 

  
“It's Okay to cry Toni,” Rhodey said running his hand through her hair.   
“You were right about Ty. I knew he was bad, but I just wanted him to like me. And even after I said no he wouldn’t stop, but I mean it’s what I’m good for right? So I thought I should just let him, and I just went along. But everything just kept feeling worse and worse.” Toni explained her headbanging with a never-ending pain “I’m so sorry I was so stupid.”   
“No Toni never, your a lot of things but never stupid,” Rhodey said.   
Toni felt for locket but felt nothing. Suddenly panic welled in her chest. She turned to Jarvis with a look of horror.   
“It’s gone my locket it’s gone,” she said her breathing turning fast more shallow tears started to pierce eyes. No that couldn’t happen it was her lifeline the thought of never having it again finally let the tears fall freely.    
“Oh, Toni you're okay it’s right here.” Rhodey handed her the golden heart.   
Toni's shoulders sagged talking the small pendant gripping it with all her strength.   
“They took it off when you got here,” Rhodey explained.

  
Jarvis walked forward with a small black box.   
Toni gulped as she opened it and it was a second bronze locket.    
“I couldn’t, I can’t and I am sorry,” Jarvis said softly.   
“It’s okay Jarvis I understand,” Toni whispered   
“As I said before your father is settling the matter as of now.”   
Toni nodded. She looked at the pictures in the locket. One with her and the bots, the other was Toni hanging like a Kola off Rhodey’s side looking alive and happy. Toni bit her lip running her fingers across the tiny pictures. 

Rhodey could tell there was significance in the conversation, even though he didn’t understand. Part of him wondered what Jarvis hadn't done before this.

##  ~~~~~

  
The next day Maria stark rushed through the door. Hugging her daughter, in clear discomfort for Toni. Toni patted her mothers back wondering which Maria she was going to have to introduce to Rhodey.

  
“Oh, Toni I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were feeling so unwell.” Maria chided.   
“It’s okay. I’m okay now. Rhodey saved me.”   
Rhodey stood, “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’m James Rhodes”    
“Maria Stark. Toni talks about you non-stop ever since you met.” Maria gave a good attempt at a  firm handshake but Rhodey could feel how her hands shook with the action.

  
Maria sat next to Toni combing her fingers through Toni’s short hair. Rhodey couldn’t shake that somehow Toni managed to look younger and smaller with her Mother cooing around her. Rhodey knew logically she couldn’t be smaller. But with wires wrapped around her and the small red-rimmed eyes, Toni looked like she needed to be wrapped in blankets with a twenty-mile radius of protection.   
  
Toni fell asleep not much later. Maria turned to Rhodey,    
“Thank you for helping her.”   
“Anytime she needs me, I’ll do the best I can.”   
“She’s not easy to deal with.”   
Rhodey shrugged unsure he liked Toni being spoken of that way.   
“She’s brave, but also a deeply nervous kid, dramatic, aloof and a trouble maker. God knows she tries but we never quite get there. I know I’ve not been the best.”   
Rhodey nodded. At least there was admitting to some wrongdoings.   
“I’ll stay with her Tonight. Jarvis can drive you home if you wish.”   
Rhodey nodded again.    
  
The ride to his and Toni’s place was eerily quiet. Jarvis a clear professional was driving slightly like a maniac to anyone else but Rhodey could tell years of skills backed this up.   
“I did try.” Rhodey said, “to get her away I did try. She never listened, but I didn’t mean to let this happen.”   
“I know that, so does Toni Mr Rhodes I can assure you,” Jarvis replied.   
Rhodey just shook his head.

##  ~~~~~

  
  
Toni felt a rush of comfort when Rhodey pushed through the hospital door that afternoon. He carried her Bucky bear and placed it in Toni’s arms.   
“Thanks, platypus,” Toni said smiling up at him.   
Rhodey hugged her sitting next to Maria who was half asleep.   
“How ya' doing baby girl?”   
“Had to talk to the psychology people again.”   
“Well, you did almost drink and starve yourself to death.” Rhodey sighed.   
“I mean sure but that really isn’t that bad. I mean I passed out from exhaustion the day you met me.” Toni said bitterly   
“Probably another reason why they would want to see you.”    
“Mom already hired me a therapist to see when I get out of here, they have to keep watching me though make sure I don’t get refeeding syndrome, and to see if the anaemia was from the like not eating or something else. You also get to yell at me to eat by doctors orders.” Toni explained.   
  
They were both caught off guard when a tall man barged into the room, Howard Stark always filled the room. The light from the windows outside backlighting him like he was a villain in a cartoon.   
  
Toni resented their resemblance they shared eyes, hair (though his hair was half grey), facial features to the main difference was Toni’s skin was a few shades darker closer to her mothers. Toni also hated that everyone said he looked a man at least twenty years his junior. There were whispers he had used some variant of the Steve serum on himself, Toni would believe it.    
  
Howard walked over to Toni and gave her an awkward hug brushing his lips on her head, also painfully yanking the IV that ran into Toni’s arm.    
Maria stirred, “Hello Howard.”   
“Hello,” he replied.   
“You must be James Rhodes. Toni and Jarvis speak highly of you.” Howard shook Rhodey’s hand with a sort of vigour and force that was not necessary from either Toni or Rhodey’s perspective.   
Rhodey stepped out to allow some family time.   
  
“The matter of stone is settled. They have forfeited quite a few assets. A restraining order has been granted he isn’t allowed within the same county as you when it’s all said and done. He will now be attending Virginia Tech.”   
Toni nodded, she really didn’t care rather or not Howard had part of their company, but she was glad she would never have to look at his face or feel his breath on her skin, well at least not for real her skin would never forget.   
“Their company and by extension, the men who run it will be humiliated on the public stage.”   
Toni let out a noncommittal noise.   
“Words Toni. What do you say to your father?” Maria sighed.   
“Thank you h...dad,” Toni said with a fake smile and Howard gave a curt nod.   
Maira smiled, “then this matter is over, we don’t need to talk about it again.”   
“Agreed,” Howard added.

##  ~~~~~

  
Howard stepped out into the hall, “let’s talk Mr Rhodes.”   
“Okay”   
“I’m afraid as Toni's father I am obliged to ask what the hell your intentions with my daughter are.”   
“To be her friend, to be there for her, protect her.”   
“It seems you failed at that.”   
“And I’ll never forgive myself for that.”   
“What do you want from her moving forward?”   
“Nothing, just be her best friend.”   
“My daughter is objectively an attractive person. On top of that, she has large amounts of capital and will accrue political and social power as she grows older. I doubt anyone wants anything from her that isn’t sexual or power related.”   
“Why wouldn't someone want to be her friend? She’s a great person.”

  
Howard let out an indignant snort, “Son neither you nor I are truly that naive that anyone wants Toni for her winning personality”   
“I do. Maybe I like her because she’s witty and fun. Maybe I think watching bad movies and listening to cliche music is fun. Maybe I don’t mind carrying her to bed or sitting with her while she pukes. Maybe I don’t mind helping her make her inventions. I don’t know maybe try and wrap you power infected brain around the fact Toni is amazing.”   
“Well considering your ambitions with the military I can count on you for discretion with any actions you do take. I would suggest you work harder to keep her safe and in line. As well as keep yourself in line.”   
Rhodey held in a growl.   
“I need a drink, Jarvis!”   
Jarvis gave an almost imperceptible eye roll.   
Rhodey fumed his hands balled to fists at his side. He knew better than to punch Howard goddamn Stark though he really wanted to.

##  ~~~~~  


Once out of the hospital Toni was on a pretty strict nutritionist plan and Rhodey was doing a damn fine nurse impression. Jarvis had actually been left with them for a few weeks as Toni was not meant to be up and about on her own yet. The bruising she had acquired had been deep in some places and she had fractured her foot somewhere during the haze. 

  
Dum-E and U attempted to be Rhodey’s assistants thought they weren't as good at knowing the difference between Gatorade and the bottles of glue Toni kept to repair them. The not drinking was hard she had been so used to it as a way to deal with life, having to choose other ways to handle stress was not easy, she usually resulted to doing an invention binge, something to stop her thoughts, anything to stop her thoughts.   
  
Then there was the meal plan, Rhodey was really strict about that and so was Jarvis. It was harder to explain what was hard about eating, it was hard to explain why eating was so hard. The control of the food was something she had, something she needed anytime she tried to say it she just got lost. And some food was just in her head as only for the best days or the worst days, they were not for every day and this seemed to confuse Rhodey when she said that.    
  
Being attractive was important, even when she wanted no one to touch her which again was confusing. She had to be sexy for Obie, pretty for her mom, she had to be it was this deep need that was hard to verbalize. And the food was controllable life wasn’t, why did no one get it? Toni hated the new battle she had to have with Rhodey but at least he gave her hugs and joked with her still. It was odd to have someone openly care about her issues and try and have fun with her. It was new, and she thought she might like it. 

Classes were caught up on and Toni turned sixteen. She did not have a party instead she watched all the Star Wars movies including the new one, then marathoned star trek Deep Space Nine. She liked Kira a lot.  When school got out she was going to be faced with summer. However, she was glad Obie was overseas that summer, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you all think, I really one to know!
> 
> <3 Love you all!


	12. Thing Are That Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Domestic violence, emotional abuse, child abuse, eating disorders, implied medical neglect, referenced rape, referenced child sexual abuse, descriptions of flashbacks and nightmares, non-graphic vomiting/illness  
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs: 33-35

Toni was reading in the living room drinking coffee. Jarvis was sitting next to her looking over a shopping list.

“By the way Toni did you take your medication?”

Toni thought for a second. Had she? It was hard to remember honestly. 

 

Toni smiled when Jarvis presented her meds,  Gatorade and a snack. Toni was distinctly grateful Jarvis was always on her case to take of herself. Hydration, food, meds, going to her appointments. He still sat with her through the night when nightmares gripped her. Always there with a clean shirt and a warm drink. Part of Toni resented that this affection had to be done secretly with the utmost discretion, part of her was glad to have it at all. Jarvis also seemed to have a knack for knowing what was in her dreams. If it was her parents or school he would offer a hug. When it was Obie or Stone he kept his distance. Toni knew there was something so sad that the only time the house wasn't a mausoleum of an empty childhood and hidden pain was when Jarvis held her hand every time her world fell around her, that he would clean the sick off of her, wash her face, keep her warm.

 

He cared so much but he was from this same world. The world of control and appearances. Afraid of the same people just as afraid to say what he thought. He got it but was too in it, unwilling to push through. Not that Toni was literally any better she was worse but whatever it still sucked, and really left her feeling alone. 

 

Angry and lost and alone. It all hurt and Rhodey was far away right then, and with Rhodey he just couldn't understand. He'd been through a lot yeah, so much. His family wasn't given a golden platter like she was, they worked for it. Faced adversity she never had, but he was loved. He was so loved and she was jealous and it was unfair the girl with the butler ever being jealous but she was. 

 

I shouldn't be this way but I am, that will be the title of her autobiography. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni hated her psychiatrist his goal seemed to be getting her to act like she was okay. Which was fine or whatever. By July he stated she was fine now, which was chill she would be fine, but it was annoying to have someone paid to not care not even be good at faking it. 

 

“I’m so glad he thinks you doing so much better,” Maria said during dinner.

“Yeah, it’s good. He says he'll see me to refill prescriptions still but yeah I’m stabilized.” Toni explained

“Good, we can move forward,” Howard said with a curt nod.

 

Toni stared at then, her mother's wacko portions, her dad drinking whisky. Maybe right there was why she was exactly this way. SO much was laid out right there. She wanted to laugh, she guessed she must have not been hiding her expression.

 

“What's funny?” Maria asked.

 

“Oh just Howard’s sitting here drinking after I gave myself alcohol poisoning, you’re just sitting there on one of your wacko diets after I had to be treated for an eating disorder. But I don’t know, we all know I’m fine. Everything just started when a boy raped me, it’s not like this house hasn’t been a goddamn nightmare my whole life. All this hate and hurt and you never listen. I'm screaming, I've been screaming. I needed you. I just thought Maybe you would care enough to pay attention now!” Toni yelled. 

 

Howard banged his fist on the table so hard both Toni and her mother shrank back in their seats but Toni’s expression stayed hard the flame of anger as strong as the shock of terror.

 

“You know we have done everything in our power to take care of you. You have always had anything you could need. I think you should go to bed now before you say something like that again.” He banged his fist again as the last word of his statement.

 

Maria grabbed Toni by the wrist roughly yanking her back to her room. Maria’s eyes shown with an uncharacteristic kind of anger.

 

“Toni you know we care about you, but you have to learn to not be so emotional. We’ve dealt with these things in the past, what good does it do to bring them up again? What do you get from just working us up hmm, just being hurtful?” She said eyes cold.

 

“I’m sorry mom. I am, I didn’t mean to make him hurt you.” Toni said the fear and sadness rushed over her drowning the anger in despair.

Maria nodded and turned to leave the room, she paused and added “Just think before you speak. You know better than to pull a tone like that.” 

 

Toni nodded watching the door close. She leaned back on the bed trying to read a book, then she pulled out her laptop, till she gave up and just paced back and forth. This nervous irritation and anger drove her pacing to a fast speed till she just sat on the bed having made herself dizzy. She dropped her head into her hands. This angry noise ate at her throat till she couldn’t hold in anymore. Toni rolled onto her stomach she screamed bloody murder into her pillow. Only the cold touch of Dum-E tried to steady Toni as her body shook with fear and anger and grief. 

 

The next day her dad got to still be mad, Maria gotta act like nothing happened going back to her mostly faux happiness. Toni just watched an emptiness eating at her heart, every flash of her emotions was squashed and fed into the gaping wound her chest. Never let them see you break Toni said to herself, they never cared why even try and let them in anymore?

##  ~~~~~

Toni was psyched when it was finally time to see Rhodey. She had been invited to spend some time with his family. Her bags were packed and she stood next to one of the cars from the endless garages. She was eager to be somewhere where she didn’t feel like a burden. The car ride was seemingly endless the driver she had was one who he hadn’t even met before, she missed Jarvis the whole time. Jarvis would have regaled her with stories of growing up in some dumb fuck nowhere town or England, it didn’t matter Toni knew them by heart it was better than the dull drone of some newscast and the hum of traffic.

 

Toni knocked on the door and was swept up in a Rhodey bear hug the moment the door was open. He looked her up and down, clearly checking her for new injuries.  The family all gave her sympathetic looks, make Toni wonder how much they knew. The news had plastered their pages with the new the Stark heir had drunk her way to being hospitalized, too much partying or something. No one knew why the NDAs passed around were ironclad not to mention no one particularly wanted to find themselves on the receiving end of a Stark weapon. But the knowledge she had been in the hospital hadn’t been kept secret no one asked more, a dumb sluty rich kid getting too drunk was plausible enough. Though in Toni’s mind she still had trouble understanding why someone would drink for fun, growing up she had assumed everyone drank like Howard when he was too angry, or her mom when she was too overwhelmed. Or even herself who drank to not feel. How some people thought it was fun was confusing, to say the least.

 

Toni spent that week relishing in the idea that people could talk without passive aggression. So much more calming than walking on the tightrope. Nothing like at her home. The quiet here didn’t just mean the calm before the storm.

Old habits are not easily changed no matter how much she wished they would. Rhodey still watched her when she ate so she would make a big show of finishing the end which gained her an eye roll from Rhodey though it was clear he was pleased Toni was eating. And Toni wanted him to be happy with her, she knew how she hurt him locking him out of her life.

 

The worst moment of the trip was Rhodey’s dad had given her a good old one arm hug, but it hasn't registered right. Toni had just frozen her fear flooding her body, but had quickly faded into a strangling numbness. Her mind slipping into "submit" mode, blocking the pain. The dreaded ‘let it be fast this time’ thought consumed her. 

 

Toni went limp in his arm, her eyes unfocusing. Mr Rhodes looked at her with a horrified expression Toni cringed and closed her eyes. Why wouldn’t he just tell her what he wanted?

 

“Toni, why don’t you sit on the couch?” Mr Rhodes said stiffly 

Toni nodded and sat down her eyes blurring the numbness separating her reality. 

“What is happening?” Mr Rhodes said suppressing his distress not wanting to scare Toni more.

Rhodey looked at him with a sigh “I did tell you guys not to touch her.” He turned to  Toni. “Hey, baby girl come back to me please?”

 

Rhodey took her hand pressing his fingers into her palm. Toni felt the touch looking towards the source her brain turning over trying to recognize what was going on. Suddenly Jarvis's suggestion kicked in. She breathed deeply grasping the hand tighter. The fog started to dissipate the source of the hand came into focus Rhodey looked at her giving a week smile.

 

“You're at my house. I promise no one is going to hurt you.”

Toni started to feel connected again and then it registered how this had started.

She turned to Mr Rhodes who looked really unnerved. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.” 

“It’s alright Toni.” He said calmly.

 

For the rest of the visit, only Rhodey touched her, which was great in Toni’s book. Taking a break was not in Toni’s nature so she had also completed quite a few designs while there too. But even if she felt like she didn’t quite belong it was sad to leave.

##  ~~~~~

Going back home after that was jarring in an awful way. Stepping back into the mansion was like being swallowed by Jonah's whale. The highlight of the month was Uncle Nicky’s visit.

Toni had again followed him like she always did. He had admired her Bots which was more than anyone else but Rhodey did. 

“You’re a smart kid.” He said, giving her a hesitant pat on the shoulder.

Toni smiled up at him basking in the praise.

“You will be even better than Howard.”

“No, I won't. I’m not that good.” Toni said he could feel the bitterness in her own words, much stronger than she planned. She curled her arms the labs were cold even in the depths of August, at least in Toni's eyes.

 

Fury just raised an eyebrow and wandered around the room he stopped in front of a table that was clearly covered with explosives and guns.

“What are these for?”

“There the designs I make for SI.” 

“Only weapons?”

“What else? It’s what Howard wants.”

 

Again Fury gave her a silent nod. Toni examined him, his body language was still open he looked his general stoic spy look. But she could swear could see some emotions drifting in his eyes. When they got upstairs Toni stopped dead at the sound of yelling.

 

“You can’t always do that Howard. Insult me to my goddamn face.” Maria yelled

“You're supposed to be a mother, but Toni almost died where were you?” The sound of his fist slamming into the granite countertop accenting every word.

“Where was I? where were you?”

“Running the free world.”

“Well, I was busy too. We can’t have eyes on her all the time. Bad things are going to happen.”

“Ugh, you never do anything right.” Howard's words came through derision and rage clear even when the decibel count had dropped.

 

The sound of skin hitting skin made her breath catch in her throat. Gravely noises from behind her made her realize that even Fury wasn’t immune to the horror of the sound of a man hitting his wife.

 

Toni saw her mom race pass her hiding spot on the staircase. It felt like she was suddenly thrown out the time her body froze like a robot that had run out of power. Toni even stayed still when Fury’s heavy hand gripped her shoulder. The touch knocking her back into the present she followed her mother's footsteps. Jarvis’s voice working to calm Howard drifted and Toni split to go to her room. Fury’s footsteps registering lightly. She gently opened the door her mom was sitting with a blank expression on her bed.

“Hey, mom,” Toni said quietly.

 

Toni sat down and her mom laid her head on Toni’s lap. The hair under her fingers drifted through was damp with sweat the greying curls limp. A harsh red mark on her cheek stood out from her brown skin making Toni feel this crushing weight on her shoulders. Toni made eye contact with Fury who gave her a solemn stare before he turned and left.

 

##  ~~~~~  
  


Toni and her parents were watching a movie in the living room. She had her knees pulled to her chest watching the images dance across the TV. The phone rang making Toni jump triggering her heart rate up way easier than was enjoyable.

 

“Fucking bastards can’t do a damn thing without me,” Howard grumbled as he stepped into the yard.

“Toni,” Maria said leaning forward so she and Toni were staring into each other's eyes.

“Yes, mom?” Toni answers.

“Are you, are you enjoying MIT?”

“I guess.” Toni said, “I like the classes and Rhodey.”

“I do want you to be happy. I want you to live a good life.”

“Oh ah, thanks, mom.”

The kindes hurt, how fucked someone being kind hurt. Probably because her world was built on anger, kindness was confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise some more plot points are coming up. This chapter was meant to establish how dynamics and reactions to trauma are changing as she got older.
> 
> Let me know what you think! and if you listened to any of the playlist I'd love to know. That took way more time then id like to admit.  
> <3


	13. World Crashing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major CWs: Graphic Suicide attempt and Suicidal thoughts. The graphic suicide attempt are in-between the two dividers 
> 
> Other CW: Disordered eating, death, vomiting, emotional abuse, implied child sexual abuse, implied rape, Referenced alcohol abuse, Referenced domestic violence, Descriptions of a dissociative episode.
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Chapter songs: 36-38

School re-started. Toni threw herself into her Studies or her own inventions. Anything to not remember, to not think about it. Rhodey was still a mother hen but besides some serious all nighters Toni was doing better. She ate food even though it was hard, there was often her mother's tirades about calories in her brain, and her own distaste of staying still that made. She was sleeping more, getting work done and Rhodey could hug her without freaking out. 

Rhodey had come up with ways to get Toni to eat and calm down. His plan had become basically leave the TV on or pick a fight with Toni about Buffy or The X-files. Toni often argued with The X-files as they had the wrong agencies who did Alien stuff and that it wasn’t vacancies that were killing the populace toxic runoff and nuclear superfund sites did it all by themselves obviously. Toni was also anti-Ross Geller so just bringing him up Toni would rant about it long enough she would absentmindedly eat all her food. 

Playing fetch with the bots was something that was deeply amusing as other people always stared at them in the lab. Classes were so easy and she was even doing all the work on a schedule. Her personal studies still sucked her attention but she was even sleeping. 

And we'll things were getting into a stable pattern till it happens. One of the most goddamn horrible things that could happen to her ever and Toni had already suffered a few shitty things but this was something else. She was just writing some paper on the history of something another when the phone rang. Toni picked it up and Obie’s voice made her blood run cold.

 

“Toni, I have something to tell you.”

“Okay”

“Your mother, father and Butler died. A car crash, Howard was drinking.”

“Wha...what?” Toni said standing up her arms wrapping around her chest.

“Yes, today. All dead on the scene.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sorry.”

“Oh..um...what happens to me?” Toni couldn’t help asking.

“I’ll take care of you till your old enough.”

“Okay.” Her hands started shaking, her heart broke she didn’t even know it could do it anymore after years of doing so. Everything shifted at that moment the bit of light that surrounded the gaping hole in her chest was finally sucked in. She fell to the floor the couch seeming way too far away.

 

“The company too, I’ll take care of that.”

“Okay,” Toni whispered

“A driver will bring you home. The funeral is in four days.”

“What about Jarvis?”

“His funeral in two days.”

“Okay,” Toni mumbled.

“I’m so sorry Toni. I love you”

“Love you too.”

 

The phone crashed on the floor sounded way louder then it had the right too. Toni sat there for what must have been at least ten minutes. Her brain completely blanked out except for the phrase 'they're gone' on repeat. Her first coherent thought after that was ‘fuck now Obie has control of everything.’ He could do what he wanted to her anytime he wanted, not even in secret, could do it everywhere. Obie had all the money, all the guns, all the control, power over everything. He could tell her where to go, where to live. Oh god, she was alone with him forever. Everything felt like it was on fire burning all around her as her throat felt like someone was strangling her. No, he couldn’t do that to her, she wouldn’t let him.

**\------**

Suddenly the fear stopped and the fire went out. Cold numb dread replaced everything accompanied by the memory of an old pill bottle and terrified child curled on a bed. That was what she had to do, but better this time. There just wasn’t anything left but to just end it. End it before it even started.

 

Toni stood up. All too human fears of the question happened after you die overshadowed by the certainty that was life with Obie. Toni stood in the bathroom and she poured out some of her meds and down the hatch, it went. She stuck her head under the faucet liking the feeling of the ice cold water on her face. Toni slid to the floor and leaned against the wall and waited until the blackness claimed her.

 

Sadly, well at least to Toni, she woke up on the cold floor of the bathroom. She was pissed and even more so when she started heaving on the ceramic floor. Toni couldn’t stop herself she started screaming she didn’t know what else to do, puke and snot all around her. Then the banshee fucking shriek just dissolved into horrid sobs.

 

Rhodey banged into the bathroom. Complete horror overtook him seeing his best friend in a heap on the floor sobbing covered in puke.

“Oh, baby girl.” He muttered.

He helped her sit up. Toni stared at his face and fell forward wrapping her arms around him.

“They're gone Rhodey he’s gone. Jarvis, Dad, Mom. Car crash.” Toni said

“Oh, baby girl” He whispered again as Toni sat back her legs at weird angles that could not be comfortable staring at him with glossed over eyes. He was peripherally aware his uniform was now covered in the same sick mix of fluid that covered Toni. But he couldn’t even care.

“They died, they all died. Now it’s just Obie. I can’t.” She sobbed.

Rhodey’s heart clenched. God, Tonis face contorted in such fear and grief. He couldn’t stop his own tears.

 

Toni turned to the side puking again. God, she just wanted everything to stop, and now she was hurting Rhodey too. She was saying gibberish that she forgot a moment after it slipped from her lips. They stayed there. Until Toni’s stopped throwing up and the tears mostly stopped. He looked around him running his fingers through her hair. He noticed the open pill bottle. He just shook his head. God, there was nothing to say his best friend kept doing this almost dying shit. How do you handle that, what do you do with the fear and sadness? His and hers.

 

**\------**

Rhodey helped undress his friend got her into a shower.Cleaning the puke was nauseating he had to keep himself from adding to the mess. When Toni didn’t get out of the shower he figured he would have to see why. Fears of her not being... alive anymore running through him.

“Toni, you okay?"

The water stopped she open the door.  Toni looked at him. Everything was so numb, his face not fully registering like it was blurred at the edges.

“A driver is probably gonna be here soon. Have to go the funerals.”

“Right now you need clothes, and to brush your teeth.”

“Okay. But I have to say goodbye to Jarvis. He’s only got a wife. Can’t be one person he’s too good.”

“Why don’t I come too? Then there is three of us.” 

“Sounds good.”

“Course.” Rhodey stayed with her. She got dressed all like a zombie, packed like a zombie, drank water like a zombie.

Toni’s mind just kept throwing her pictures good ones, bad ones and everything in between. All a jumbled slide show. The mental images flitting by consuming her thoughts everything else was over there. When they neared the house. Toni knew she had to be a Stark now. The paparazzi would be there. She reached into her bag and Shocked Rhodey when she changed right in the back into a fancy skirt and shirt. She brushed her hair and slid shades on. She stared ahead, it was time. Now Toni needed to have armour like aunt Peggy, a mask like her mom, be as solid and unreadable as Nicky, untouchable like Howard. Never let them see you break.

Rhodey couldn’t pretend he wasn’t put off by the change like another Toni was next to him.

 

They got to the house and as Toni predicted press everywhere. She got out and passed every camera with a blank expression. They got the door she turned to put on her best sad face. 

“You should all leave we are in mourning my dear parents give us some peace please you can all watch the funeral. I’m sure it will be on every news station”

 

She then opened those goddamn doors they slammed behind her with a satisfyingly loud sound. Toni walked in and walked to the living room her hands were not shaking, she was not scared, or at least that's what she told herself. Obie was drinking scotch, the smell set the ambience of the room to fear. Light streamed through red curtains into a wood panelled room, it was like talking to Don Corleone.

 

“Oh Toni” He gave her a stiff hug, “ I am so sorry for your loss.”

“I know such a tragedy. What are the plans?” Toni said. Her emotions so numbed out all she could feel was the never-ending pain in her head.

“A joint funeral in three days. Obviously a large event. Your father and mother will be missed.”

“People will miss the guns and money. Not sure anyone really knew the people” Toni corrected him. The words were angry but no emotion coloured them. Toni looked into space absentmindedly twisting her locket.

“Well yes. “ Obie then laid specifics. Toni didn’t really care what they were buried in, she didn’t care about any of it. When Obie finished he stared at her clearly wanting an answer

“Did you get me a dress?”

“Yes, it’s in your room, along with acceptable makeup choices. A driver will bring you”

Toni nodded, “did they find a bracelet on mom?” she asked the first emotion coming through sadness tingeing her words.

“Ah yes.” Obie stood and got it from a small box on the table. 

“It’s not very fancy, why would you care?”

“I know but she had it my whole life. It means a lot, can I have it?”

“Sure,” Obie said tossing it to Toni. “Speaking of things. The will is to be read tomorrow at two. I figured you’d want to bury your butler you were close.”

“Thank you, Obie. For taking care of all this.”

“To be honest I was worried about the stress it would cause you.”

“An I going to live here when I'm not at school?”

“Ahh yes. I'll stay here during the summer so you're not alone. “

“just you? Toni asked. Her skin crawling thinking of the two of them alone in the house 

“Yes besides the staff and such, but I’ll be here with you. You’re my girl.”Obie said placing his hands on Toni. Toni didn’t even flinch her body was too heavy and stiff to move.

“Again thank you. I’m going to go to sleep now” Toni said.

“I would appreciate you coming by my office later. There are some papers I need you singing too, but I have to verify them as your still a kid.”

“We both know I’m not a kid, haven’t been in a long time.” Toni said stiffly a hint of anger flicked across Obie's face. “And of course i’ll come, have Jar....one of your assistants come get me”

 

Toni turned and walked to her room. She heard Rhodey’s steps behind her. Toni slid to the floor in her room. The armour falling. Rhodey sat down next to her.

“What the hell was that?”

Toni was unable to answer, the panic had seized her chest. Rhodey ran his hand through her hair recognizing he would not get an answer yet. When the panic edged enough for her to breath she whispered, “I’m sorry Rhodey.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like that version of me. But it’s so much easier, be ice then let it all hurt.”

“It’s okay. You just lost your family, kid, I’m not mad. I’m worried as fuck considering you tried to kill yourself and haven't said anything to me that was coherent till now. But I am not angry.”

“I’m sorry. I panicked, I didn’t want to be stuck with Obie. I don’t know how to do it without Jarvis.”

Rhodey rubbed a circle on her back. “Even when I’m not here, I’m with you.”

Toni smiled but it was hollow. “I know no one can save me Rhodey.”

“Toni?”

“You don’t have to worry. I know, but I love you.”

 

Rhodey looked at her his heart breaking. Toni stood up to leed Rhoey around showing him the house. Minus Obie’s guest room and office. He was impressed with the lab and the amount of Captain America merch. It was also so much space and rooms. He wondered what four people could do with that much space. 

 

When they got back to Toni’s room she stood in front of her Captain America comics. She danced her fingers along the spines of the books. 

“I love Steve you know.” 

“I can tell. A super fangirl. The poster you talk to on the wall was also a clue”

“Since Aunt Peggy gave me Bucky Bear. Well, actually I had some of the posters before and the strategy books. But I fell in love when Aunt Peggy told me her stories. How he was willing to fight before the serum made him special. How he stood up for the little guys. Howard doesn’t...well didn’t like those stories he prefers other ones the bloody explosion ones. They both liked how he punched Nazi’s and beat red skull.”

“Punching Nazi’s is always good.”

“For sure. I always dreamed he’d save me.” Toni mumbled her eyes glossing over blurring the words and colours. 

“Toni...” Rhodey began.

“I guess he did. I still believe people like him do exist. Like you, people who still want to be good.”

A man in a boring black suit pushed the door open.

“Mr Stane requests your presence.”

“Okay.”

Toni did sign some papers, but then they went to the bedroom. Toni felt the complete void swallow her, again. 

 

Walking back to her room she saw Rhodey was asleep on the bed still in his uniform. His presence made her smile even after what just happened. She felt ashamed of Obies sweat and spit and worse on her. She slipped silently into the bathroom and clean up sliding on pyjamas. Rhodey was still asleep. She crawled on the bed and closed her eyes. Praying for some sleep, hoping for some relief from her past crushing her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was rough, really rough. Not gonna lie this was written when I was doing really bad and remembering some really bad times. But Hopefully it still resonated with others and it does start to move the plot forward a bit!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Please feed the author some comments, they make me live man.


	14. The Weight of The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Referenced domestic violence, child sexual abuse, referenced rape, minor alcohol abuse, child abuse,  
> Other notes: the Italicized text is writing  
> Playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> songs:  
> 39-41

Toni felt an overwhelming sadness as the preacher read the prayer.

Toni, Anne Jarvis, Rhodey and three people he had known from some war things years ago were all who was there. Toni’s tears ran freely and Jarvis’s wife held her hand. It was too small for someone who had saved her life, he had never made it stop, but she wasn't even mad. He was the first person in her life she believed always loved her. 

Toni felt like she was dying as he was lowered into the hole, she was suddenly confronted with a sick urge to fling herself into the ground with the casket. Enough ghosts followed she didn’t think she could deal with his too.

“Toni here.” A letter was placed in her hands. She looked down her stomach flopped at Jarvis’s scrawling letters.

In the car ride, she opened it.

 

' _My Toni._

_ I am sorry for all the pain I was unable to prevent in my life, and the pain I leave you to in death. When you're done being angry with me, I do hope some of the memories are fond. Maybe the hot chocolate or when I snuck you, sweets. I do not know if I leave you to your mother, father, Stane or a combination but I sincerely hope you are fully grown and I died peacefully in bed, but since I am writing this letter when you are in college I am aware it might be bloody in your father’s service and you may still be young. I didn't work only for him. I hope you know that many times I wanted to leave, but the first time I held you when your parents wouldn’t I knew I could never leave you. I hope you know I was okay to clean you up, feed you and watch you invent I never regret those things. I regret as I said before that I could not make Howard accept you, I couldn’t heal your mother and I couldn't stop Stane.  _

_ I do see a future for you though you brilliant girl. You will lead the world, better than Howard ever did. You are worthy of everything you can dream of. _

_ I love you more than my life Toni, _

_Jarvis'_

 

“Why did you have to leave me,” Toni said as tears dripped on to manila paper smearing the ink.

Rhodey rubbed her shoulder. She took a shuddering breath, as they neared the house time to put her armour back on. Lastly, she slid on the sunglasses, They were a tangible reminder her armour had to be up. They were “Toni Stark’s” sunglasses not Toni’s.

The will reading was boring. Pretty much everything was left to Toni. Jarvis...well now Jarvis’s wife have left a considerable lump sum of money. Obie was in charge of SI until Toni was twenty-one, was the Exeter and Toni’s legal guardian till she turned eighteen. He also received a house and some money.

 

Toni got the rest of the places. She looked around the mansion. God, it made her sick, a haunted mansion. The house would forever reverberate with yelling and manic turbulence would forever smell of her father's whisky, mother’s perfume, burning metal and Obie’s cigars. Forever have visions of sex, flailing arms, silent tears, and escalating violence. She didn’t think she wanted to even have this place.

 

The time of her parents funeral came.  Sitting in the front pew she looked at the stained glass streaming way to colourful light. The church filled with people who never knew her parents. She wore the dress she was given a form-fitting black thing covered with a black shawl. It would probably be freezing if she could feel anything. Obie was on one side of her. Toni refused to remove her sunglasses, they were her armour but more so she didn’t want anyone to notice she wasn’t crying. Toni sat in the front pew staring at the caskets. The seat next to her was filled, it was her Aunt Peggy, after all these fucking years she thought bitterly. 

 

“Hello, Toni.”

“Hello Ms Carter,” Toni said hoping Peggy noticed she didn’t use her nickname. A moment of vindictiveness running through her. 

“Howard and I didn’t get along anymore at all. And I went back to England when I left SHIELD”

“You don’t have to explain. Everyone leaves.” Toni said cooly.

They both turned to the font. Endless people waxed poetic about her father. War, honour, good friend, handsome man, a pillar of society, inventor, business titan, Obie even called him a good father. It was easy for her to list what was not included, what they were all pretending wasn't real. His insulting mouth, harsh hands, war crimes, cold stares, alcohol addiction, prejudice, the way his voice struck terror in his family.

 

Toni was shanghaied into speaking, she figured that she might as well. Someone should mention her mother whose casket was also in the goddamn cathedral.

 

“Howard and Maria were pillars of society, but to me, they were, of course, Mom and Dad above all else. Howard’s legacy is one I will strive to live up too and currently leave under the careful guidance of Obadiah Stane, or Obie as we called him at home. Maria was a good woman she had her share of struggles but no one could doubt her love of children her own and all of those she helped through charity. I intended to carry on that legacy as well. Her many charitable efforts will fall under the newly made Maria stark foundation which will work to ensure those she helped in life will not go unaided after her tragic death. Thank all of you for being here to remember their legacy.”

 

Toni said and placed a hand on the Caskets as she should. Wiped her eyes for the camera and sat down.

“Excellent fake tears Toni” Peggy whispered in her ear.

“All of you taught me well,” Toni replied

After they were in the ground Toni let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding in.

As she walked away Nick Fury stood in her path.

“Uncle Nicky.” She said.

“Toni”

Toni before she realized it she was hugging him. It startled both of them and Peggy who was now next to her. Toni pulled back, her face back in her best mask of indifference.

“I felt I should offer congratulations on your parents' death.” Fury said.

“Don’t you mean condolences?” Peggy said drily.

“I’m pretty sure I mean congratulations” Fury shot back.

“I’m with Uncle Nicky on this one,” Toni said 

Fury raised one eyebrow. His normal response to her/

“I’m also here to talk to Stane, the agency  has to have a relationship with SI and apparently it’s my job to play message boy, still, apparently I have history promotions be damn”

“Oh.” Toni said then anger pulsed through her though she still knew it had to be discrete, “No wait fuck you!” she turned to Peggy too “and fuck you too.” 

 

“You all pretend to give a fuck but you don’t. You just want your precious spy ring to stay in business. I’m secondary at best. You don’t care you never cared. Because everyone leaves or hurts me. You just want something like everyone else. But guess what I never needed you. The only thing you ever gave me aunt Peggy was Steve Rogers. And well Fury you helped me with my psycho mother which I mean thanks, but you just want me for my ideas and money. Well in case you're wondering you liking me isn’t a path to power, Obie is the one with all of the dealings now. but I guess hey you never raped me so I guess your one step ahead of other dudes. But just get the fuck out of here.” Toni hissed loud enough the two thunderstruck adults could hear but not the press.

 

She slid her sunglasses back on and left with her face as neutral as possible. Pretending she couldn’t see that Peggy had tears in her eyes and for once Fury’s poker face dropped and he looked confused. 

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni laid low after that. Going back to school gave her reason to ignore reality. The only reason she didn’t float off into the stratosphere was Rhodey’s calming presence. One day near the end of the school semester Rhodey broke the unspoken code of not speaking about anything to do with Toni’s non-MIT life.

“Toni I have to ask you something”

“What,” Toni said suspiciously.

“Does Obie, does he hurt you?”

Toni went pale, “Why would you think that?”

“Because you were so scared to live with him you attempted suicide.”

“Oh. Jarvis, my favourite person in the world, well besides you, died I wasn’t allowed to be upset?”

“You weren’t in grief Toni, maybe some shock, but you were terrified. I’m not sure you remember but in your OD fueled ravings you kept saying 'he has the control’ and begging me not to hurt you.”

“I don’t think you’ll hurt me Rhodey,” Toni said running her hands through her shaggy hair.

“I know that. But you avoided the question, does Obadiah hit you or something?”

 

Toni wasn’t sure if Rhodey would consider the sex as ‘or something’. But even if he did she was horrified what he would think, she never fought back and Obie only did it for love, so it would be her fault anyway an overreaction. And if he didn't think it was anything that would hurt too, and she didn't know why. It wasn’t fair of her to be so upset by it, it was what she was good for right?

 

“He’s not like that.” Toni said, “he just does what he has too.”

Rhodey looked at her with concern.

“Rhodey I swear it’s fine.”

“Okay baby girl.” Rhoey gave her a hug pressing his lips to her hair.

 

Toni learned the hard way in those months tabloids do not care if you're grieving. They followed her everywhere, trying to decide what her behaviour meant for Stark industries somehow tying rather she got Starbucks or made coffee at home to stock prices. The rumour mill about Toni’s dating habits was also a hot topic again, Rhodey generally being the supposed lover or a man scorned by Toni’s non-existent lack of ability to keep her legs shut. 

 

Toni walked to the grocery store one day her hands shook her in pockets as she looked around her compulsively. Toni was sure she was to some degree unnecessarily paranoid but with the amount of Paparazzi currently following her, it wasn’t entirely out of proportion. Why people decided she was so interesting was beyond her. They just kept repeating the same shit anyway. She was a slut, had a drinking problem, she was ignoring her ‘future’, Obadiah was the strong hero. Like yadda yadda I know. Toni did want to be good enough for everyone, but she never was. She wanted them to like her, to love her. How could she even be what anyone wanted nonetheless everyone?

 

Obie wanted her to do what she was good at, but not make too much trouble. Do some engineering sure but overall she was his girl that was what matters. Always be there, listen to him be his beautiful girl. But part of her didn’t want to, didn’t want to be under his suffocating grasp.

 

Howard had wanted her to be always productive, come up with something worth selling. That was what mattered the company, SHIELD, war and Steve. She couldn’t be that either. She was good with weapons sure but her mind loved AI, and energy, and phones and robots, never disciplined. Not to mention she had never been good with schedule, or business. 

 

Her mom wanted her to pretty, good with people, marry well, have a partner to help run SI and behave. She had told her to be happy, that she didn’t think she could even manage that. Toni didn’t know how to do it.

 

Toni was never going to be everything or anything they want. But she could be what they expected. She could be unfocused, she could drink too much, fuck too many people, come when Obie called and fuck him too. She could build useless shit. Might as well just screw it. 

 

Toni stopped when she realised she had passed the grocery store and was in front of the ABC store. Well screw it she said pulling her fake ID from her pocket, she hardly needed it a liquor store next to a university basically sold to anyone. She’d get drunk, forget about everything for a minute make it all stop, it would be fine, she would be fine. Just be what they expect and don’t let anyone down really, it would be fine, it had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think about the story! Comments are the best!


	15. What They Expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Heavy drug use, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, canon-typical violence, eating disorders, referenced child sexual abuse, implied emotional abuse, descriptions of dissociation, descriptions of panic attacks
> 
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 42 & 43

Toni was in her room looking at a photo of herself on some rag she felt an odd sense of disconnection it was her in the photo of course but it also seemed wrong. Her hair was long her clothes tighter than she liked, her lips were always scarlet and she was smiling. She didn’t care how many pictures of her drunk they had it didn’t even feel like they were of her, even though she knew logically they were. It was what she looked like stumbling into the house at night, Obie liked the look and all her fellow dumb rich kids liked it too. 

 

She let everyone have what they wanted. It was what she was good at. If everyone at least seemed to have fun with her to as a drunk slut well fuck them she’ll be the best mindless airhead then.  If you take enough Xanax and drink enough booze nothing matters anymore. She could smash lips with anybody who asked, or didn’t and just did it anyway. Everyone wanted to be friends with her, she had all the free stuff anyone could want. 

 

She remembered one night she was stumbling to the car. She wasn’t exactly in the mood at the moment to deal with much of anything. But the guy was cute she guessed and he leaned on the wall blocking her movements. She pouted, ugh what did he want. 

 

He got close to her and leaned over,

“Looks like you're crushing hard.” 

Toni shivered when his hot breath brushed her ear. And his hand closed on her arms. 

“If you come with me we can have a good time. Put you back in a good place, you look like you could use a refresher.”

 

He was right though about her feeling like shit at that moment she was pissed off. So she did something she didn’t remember deciding to do when his lips graced her neck. She shoved the heel of the shoe was carrying into his side and kneed him in the gut. 

 

“Fuck off.” She hissed. Toni then groaned as she saw a lens flare. Leaning on the wall her heart pounded as she thought of the fallout. 

 

Obie did not like that behaviour and blamed it on her drug problem. To be fair she hadn’t exactly noticed how often she was popping pills till the tabloids started running stories of how the loss of parents weather triggered an addiction or that they had been ragging on her money wasting druggie lifestyle. But honestly the only shit she was using was painkillers and her own medications. Everything hurt all the time, why shouldn't she try to escape?

 

Mainly the pain was in her head. But Obie was being rougher so she was in physical pain too. And when it did go too far she had to clean it up herself now. Not to mention just everything hurt all the time for no good goddamn reason. After having to put herself back together after Obie tore her apart she figured she might as well have fun in patchwork body she’d built. 

 

She was doing that very thing at a party half passed out on the couch watching some rich fucks wreck their ATVs out the windows. Some girl with dirty blond hair and grey-blue eyes stood in front of her, looking really angry.

 

“Do you know who I am?”

“No. but we might’ve met when I was to strung out to remember.” Toni shrugged

“Oh is that your excuse for fucking my boyfriend!” She shouted.

Toni flinched at the noise some anxiety pushing through the haze.

“You're really fucking with my ability to relax” Toni muttered, 

“I don’t care. Did You sleep with my boyfriend or not I want an answer.” 

The girl literally stomped her foot.

“Ugh look the only person I’ve fucked in the past year is definitely not your boyfriend unless he is very old. I might have made out with him though, possibly light grinding, but no like actually fucking. But just fuck off already, I don’t wanna do this..”

 

Toni was legitimately surprised when the girl's fist slammed into her nose blood dripped down her face to her tongue. It didn’t hurt as much as it should though, apparently her concoction was effective at numbing her out she wiped her face with her sleeve.

 

“I’m sorry if I did make out with him. I wouldn’t actually knowingly fuck someone else's boyfriend okay? Just leave me alone please” Toni said looking up and the angry girl, Toni tried to place the girl through her fuzzy memory.

“Fine okay. You're clearly to messed up to know, and I’ve done stupid shit. I’m gonna go find who did though, probably punch them too though.” She scoffed then turned around and left.

 

Then it hit Toni, she was in that kid's show, Patsy. Glad to not be done with that Toni sat back on the ridiculously expensive leather that was stained by trust fund kids’ vomit and cum. She just wished everyone would stop. Why can’t she just check out in peace? 

 

##  ~~~~~

 

When school started she was met with a dumbfounded expression on Rhodey’s face.

“What’s sour pus don’t like the new look?”

“You look different?”

“Well, ya know. Midlife crisis.”

“your sixteen. That is not midlife”

“Well, I won’t live long enough to have a real midlife crisis,” Toni said.

 

Toni was confused that Rhodey seemed hurt by the joke.

“Well, clothes don’t unpack themselves,”  Toni muttered

Rhodey kept looking at her life she was crazy for a good portion of the next week. Not pushing her but she could tell he wanted to.

 

Toni was pretty sure he was right. When she found herself staring at her reflection but was sure that was not her staring back at her, again she knew it had to be but it didn’t feel like. She turned her head to the side looking for Toni but it kept coming up “Toni stark drunk slut heir” or sometimes the scared kid with Obie’s hand pinning her down.

 

Toni looked at her naked body. She wondered if she was actually hot to people. She never felt attractive even with a good narcissistic comment on her own looks was always in her back pocket honestly there was nothing exceptional about the thing in the mirror. If she ever stopped being sexy though she would lose even that attention. Worse Obie wouldn’t want her anymore and even if it hurt she wanted him to want her. 

 

Toni sighed and stepped in her shower. A sudden wave of dizziness rolled through her when she tried to shower, touching her own body sent chills through her veins. She curled on the shower floor tears mixing with the hot water. Staring at the swirling makeup sliding off her face and the burning hot water boring itself into her back. Toni was hit the urge to get out. the small shower suddenly feeling suffocating. She pulled open the door and shoved/ran her way through the bathroom door and stumbled into the living room. She was shocked at the sight of Rhodey talking to his friend. Toni glanced down at herself realising she was completely naked.

 

“Oh ah sorry,” Toni said going into her room as fast as she could

The man, whose name she thought was Max, laughed. “Roommates eh?”

“Yeah. I should go check on her thought.” Rhodey said standing up like an old man with a sigh and cracking his back.

He went into Toni’s room with a soft laugh. Toni for her part was having difficulty sliding Rhodey’s MIT sweatshirt on flailing with the sweater half over her head. Rhodey helped pull it down.

“You okay kid?” he asked.

“Yeah just panicked.”

“He’s not going to hold being naked in your house against ya Tons”

“Sure that's what you say now.”

Rhodey shook his head and ruffled Toni’s hair giving her a reassuring smile. She smiled back.

He left her face fell. She turned to the dresser taking another does. gulping down her fear in one dry swallow.

 

Toni was getting dressed when she felt her mom’s bracelet in the underwear she was putting on. She had hidden it when she got here, didn’t need the reminder.  Next to Jarvis’s letters and lockets and Nick’s survival book with his number tucked inside. Toni felt sad looking at this small stack of her history, the only missing piece was Bucky Bear who was on the bed. Toni bit her lip and picked up her life story she took them and placed them in a shoe box which she tucked in the shelf in the closet. She’d get a safe eventually, it didn't matter how much of her resented them all leaving her, she still wanted the love they gave, the love she wished had lasted.

 

Tears threatened to spill over, but she stopped herself. She was done crying, so done with being heartbroken she was invincible. Never let them see you break

 

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni never dropped her grin in public, she knew it was fake her teeth were fangs ready to bite and everyone else knew that too. Always joke, take enough drugs, sling insults, fake the calm, drink the alcohol, dress suave over and over you won’t even realise you feel the pain. Don’t break down out there, out there you invincible. 

 

At home, she could stop her boys around her, blueprints in her hands. At least she could breathe, but breathing still hurt. Rhodey still treated her like before he still held her at night, watched bad tv, joked with the bots, got her to sleep. His face always screwed into concern when she’d stumble in at one am shitfaced.

Rhodey hated new Toni, he could tell that this wasn’t empowerment this was a mask she was broken but didn’t want anyone to know. That hurt him but was grateful she still let him wrap his hands around her and carry her to bed. Rhodey was also aware he was about to break her heart but he had the same dream his whole life. He hoped it wouldn’t make things worse, but the hope was quite limited.

 

So one day in December he met Toni with doughnuts and coffee. 

“Baby girl we have to talk.”

Toni’s blood cold this could not be good. She curled her arms around her chest, “what do you need?”

“I’m leaving this spring. To start basic.”

“Why?” Toni said.

“It’s what I always wanted. Not to mention I think things are going to get worse I have to do something.”

“Oh, okay I understand” 

but no Toni didn’t know if she did. Part of her screaming to latch on to him and never let go, but she also knew she could never ask him to give up his dream, not for her.

“I’ll see you again, you never gonna get rid of me you're my girl. you are not alone.”

“Okay,” Toni said numbly.

 

At home, she took a sleeping pill and flopped fully dressed on her bed. She stared at the ceiling. Willing the grief to shut up. Losing the last good person was terrifying. But she had to just keep going and survive on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave some comments!


	16. On My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: child sexual abuse, non-graphic implied rape, emotional abuse, past domestic violence, referenced alcohol abuse, referenced drug abuse,
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 44-46

Rhodey was shipped off for basic and Toni had never felt so alone in the apartment. The bots followed her everywhere like tiny robot shadows. They did try to help her Dum-E had an obsession with following her around with a fire extinguisher. To be fair she had set things on fire but he seemed emotionally attached to it. U seemed to have lost his sense of direction as he was as clumsy as she was. She loved them with all her heart, but they didn’t take the edge off the loneliness enough, everything was so silent. 

 

Toni was in the yard, attempting that who be outside thing therapists and Rhodey always told her would be healing. It’s not that she didn’t like trees it was that being outside meant people watching her. But there she was laying on a picnic table looking at her design book. Trying to work out a way to create better practical clouds serves to have faster communication and continuous uplink that was practical. And on the other page, she sketched ideas for a better AI, looking at the ability to have talk and response tech. Both projects were alluding her though.

 

"Come on Toni think this through." She muttered.

You can never think this through, you're not going to it's not something your smart enough to do. Give up. Her mind shot back.

"Shut up I got this," Toni said out loud. She literally turned her book upside down and staring at it like that she did come up with the answer to the speech problem. She grinned to herself.

"See I fucking told you." She said triumphantly, "All I had to do."

Then Toni glanced up. The people on the bench next to her were looking at her like she had gone mad. Which was a valid thing to think. Yeah, she needed to fix this whole alone all the time thing.

 

Two weeks she furiously typed into her computer the breakthrough in speech process made her mind open up and the ideas and problem solving spilt from her brain on to her notebook or computer depending on where she was. As she stared at lines of code for a new AI she smiled, she had advanced a lot since U. Maybe she could really make a real person, someone so she would never be alone again.

 

Before she started to try and run anything she had to pick a name for the project. Just A Rather Very Intelligent System she named the file, JARVIS for short. Toni knew the sentimentality was a little on the nose, but even though he was gone he could still take care of her. She started on this project in earnest anytime that wasn’t class to go to. The code was writing itself though it was like autopilot. It was a bit all-consuming on the plus side there was less time to get herself into more trouble.

 

Her eighteenth birthday came and went with a large party she hated every moment of but it was expected the people who came were more interested in either garnering the favour of her and Obie or just wanted the free booze. That night she was so drunk the disconnecting wasn’t even necessary she wouldn’t have remembered Obie's hands and other body parts anyway. Toni was disgusted at the amount of “Toni stark is now legal” comments from vulgar people. It’s not like not being legal had ever stopped anyone. But it still just banged her status into her brain more the worthless girl others saw when they looked at her.

 

But none of those thoughts didn’t matter sitting in the empty lab as the composite computer setup loaded JARVIS. Toni’s heart soared with real joy when she heard the voice of her AI.

 

“Hello, Ms Toni,” it said.

“Yes!” She stood up and jumped in a circle. “Hey JARVIS! How are you?”

“I am running at full capacity, and excited to learn”

“Brilliant, what are you thinking about?”

“That I do not understand why you are jumping in circles.”

“Because you are fantastic! One of kind! Brilliant and I’m happy!”

“Thank You ms, Toni, I am glad I can make you happy”

“You can! God okay,”

Toni sat down and interrogated her AI writing down when it fails to meet her goals.

After failing to answer a question Toni could swear the AI sighed.

“I’m sorry to have failed you, Ms Toni.”

“Oh That’s okay JARVIS learning is in your code, you’ll just get better over time I promise. I'm going to help you. ”

“I appreciate your faith in me.”

“Oh JARVIS I have to have faith in you, you’re all I have”

 

She looked at the set of computers jerry-rigged together, she hadn’t quite got it up to the model she wanted or needed but that was one of the few things she planned of actually taking from the manor. Now that she was eighteen all the houses were legally hers, so her plan was to move to Malibu after graduating. There were SI hubs there she could start helping with RND she was a fully qualified engineer and physicist now, they didn’t have to go under the table now everyone could know she built things.

##  ~~~~~

Toni graduated and was overjoyed when she saw Rhodey. He had a teddy bear and chocolate. So much better than flowers, they died.

She wrapped her arms around him.

“Woha baby girl don’t knock me over”

“Rhodey bear I missed you.” She dug her face into his chest.

Then she felt a hand on her shoulder, not Rhodey’s.  She went limp Rhodey having to grab her to keep her from falling over. Her heart beat fast.

“I’m very proud of you Antonia,” Obie’s voice said.

Toni regained her footing. She didn’t turn around she stared transfixed and Rhody's chest taking in each button on his stupid air force uniform. 

“Thank you, Obie.”

“Mr Rhodes good to see you”

“Mr Stane” Rhodey’s voice was cold and Toni felt his arm tighten around his waist.

“I see you brought Toni some gifts.”

“Yeah she deserves it, college hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park,” Rhodey explained.

Toni laughed mirthlessly into Rhodey.

“Well I was planning on taking her out for a meal, you are welcome to join us.” 

Toni turned around her fake smile plastered on, she could feel the energy of the day drain from her turning her into Puppet Toni. 

“Obie I was hoping we could clear out the mansion soon. I do want to move to Malibu asp.”

“Course we can beautiful, I figured you would take a different residence that place has some good memories, but living somewhere else isn’t as much of a reminder of Howard and Maria.”

“Yup,” Toni said.

The lunch was tense. Rhodey kept glancing at Toni it was like someone had sapped her personality. She agreed with pretty much everything Obie said even when he knew she didn’t believe that. Toni always said she hated army guys, Rhodey, steve and the howling commandos being the exception. She repeatedly told Rhodey high ranking military guys were all assholes. But she praised the army. He also knew Toni loved anything sci-fi but she agreed with Obie that it was a distraction at best and scientists should work practically. It was distinctly disturbing. The one time she did disagree Rhodey watched her slide down her seat looking so sad when Obie dismissed her.

After eating Rhodey was loath to leave but he had to, “Toni I have to leave.”

“Okay,” Toni said, “I’ll miss you, a lot.”

“I know I know. But think this the last time you have to step in that house.”

“Come see me in Malibu soon? I have something really cool to show you,” Toni asked with pleading eyes.

“Did you build a new mechanical friend?”

“No This is way cooler I swear! It's worth coming to see.” Toni said looking at him with an expression that was too young, too scared, too helpless, begging for his approval. but Rhodey didn’t know anymore Toni was a puzzle lately. It was like she might tear the world apart with her very self and Rhodey thought she probably could.

##  ~~~~~

Toni stepped into the mansion taking off her sunglasses in the dim light of the entrance way. Even though it had been only a few months since she had been here, Obie had made her come home for Christmas he had gotten her a gift but mostly they had just had sex. he did business and she worked on inventions. She had internally begged Fury to come waltzing in the doors but he probably met with Obie in SI buildings. But like why would he want to see Toni after she had been so cruel, to be fair it had been at a funeral would so he should cut her some slack rather she had actually been sad or not. But just like then one step in the doorway everything seemed to swirl into soup in front of her. 

 

Toni hated this haunted house everything was so empty except for the fleeting moments she thought she could see her family in the dust in the air. Angry faces, alcohol bottles, watching movies, building things, running away crying like ghosts forcing a chill through her. The broken souls crammed together, back rooms deals, loveless sex.

 

She did her main objective quickly. Walked around and picked up anything related to her work, most notably an outline of home security systems and hollow displays. Grabbed a few of her things too, clothes, Bucky Bear, books and her Steve Poster really were the only stuff she wanted from her room. 

Toni looked around her. She never wanted to be here ever again.

Toni stood in the doorway ready to leave. 

“I hope I never come back here.” She said to no one in particular.

##  ~~~~~

Malibu was nice really even in June. She got to work right away installing cameras and sensory ports, microphones and speakers around the house. She acquired parts to build suitable supercomputer it may have been less than totally legal, backroom deals and all. It was finished when she added her own holoprojector for image projection.

“JARVIS?” Toni called standing in the living room nowhere close to the command hub, now JARVIS could watch her anywhere.

“Yes Ms Toni’

“Fuck yeah!” Toni shouted pumping her fist up and down.

“You're excited?”

“Absolutely fucking totally mega excited. So what's it like having eyes and ears everywhere?”

“I believe it will be useful in helping and protecting you as you designed me too. Though the most interesting part of this experience is the sensors dedicated to smell, composition, texture and other non-audio-visual input. I’m feeling.”

“That's great you can learn even more now. I think a good test of your skills would be what am I cooking?”

“It smells quite a bit like burned bread and cheese.”

“Awesome. Okay, I have a task for you to stretch your AI capabilities, plus it will be fun. See if you can locate the real files on like Iran Contra or something else, maybe the Kennedy assassin? Something the government will hate us to have.”

“Why?” 

“Like I said to test your limits. I expect hacking will be useful in the future.”

“Then I shall do as you ask. Though I would have anyway.”

“Aww shucks your as much a mama's boy like them.” Toni jabbed her finger toward Dum-E and U chasing Fido who had stolen a couch cushion. 

 

JARVIS proved to learn as he now could get her information from everyone she could ever want. She had some degree access to the files of half of the members of the UN security council, some because if they would try and fix security if they noticed a  breach. It wasn’t like she had much need for some of the information but it had gotten JARVIS a lot of practice and he was faster and more discrete each time.

 

His reading of emotions also improved and he’d learned dry humour which worked so well with the English accent he had that was absolutely not based on her dead butler Toni was not that desperate for affection or maybe she was that desperate. 

 

JARVIS picked up the annoying habit of reminding her to eat and sleep because according to him ‘coffee and painkillers are not breakfast’. He also invented a protocol she was to have a list of everything she was on when she came back from this party or that party.

 

What had felt like a few days but was really a month and a half Rhodey surprised her. She jumped at the noise but quickly became ecstatic to see her Rhodey bear. 

 

“How are you holding up?” Rhoey asked with a concerned smile.

“I’m holding”

“You told me you had something cool?”

“Oh yeah. JARVIS. He's in the basement, I mean not only but well you’ll see. Anyway, he’s gonna like that you’re here.” She said dragging Rhodey.

“Wait for sec baby girl look at me” His voice desperate pulling her backwards.

Toni turned to face him, “what’s wrong?”

He took her hands before talking guiding her to the couch.

“Honey Jarvis died. You remember that, right?” Rhodey said placing a hand firmly on her shoulder looking into her eyes

“‘Course I do. “ Toni said trying to stand up but Rhodey’s heavy hand preventing her.

“ don't hold me down” Toni hissed not liking being stuck even if it was Rhodey.

“okay right” He lifted his hand but scanned her scratched up arms and how skinny she looked biting his lip.

“So if Jarvis is dead he can’t be here.”Rhodey said overly calm “You’re a genius but you can’t make people alive again.”

“Yeah but come look, you will like this,” Toni said resuming dragging him with her.

“Baby girl calm down. I’m just trying to help.” Rhodey said trying to calm the jittery Toni who was rocking on her heels looking increasingly at him eyes blood 

“Rhodey, I’m not crazy.” Toni huffed.

“Never said you were, but I worry about you making yourself sick,” Rhodey said his mind filing with the image of her sobbing covered in vomit curled in his arms.

“JAVIS tell Rhodey I’m not hallucinating?” Toni grumbled.

“Mr Rhodes I can assure you, Toni, is not hallucinating.”

“Jesus, what was that?”

“I was going to show you.” Toni drawled, “I made an AI. Like real legit Turing test approved AI.” 

“His hub is in the lab, but JARVIS watches the whole house, he keeps me safe.”

“I am also a fully functional hacker, I can detect gas or poisonous substance and work to ensure the safety of Ms Toni as it is my code, and she’s my mother,” Rhodey explained

Toni grinned at Rhodey 

“It can hack things?” Rhodey asked

“Yeah, I can essentially know anything, as more stuff is wifi enabled will be able to extend him even more.”

“You made Skynet.”

“Did not.”

“Did so. You and your crazy robot kids really are planning to take over the world.”

“Well maybe,” Toni said with a cheeky smile. “In time we’ll have to submit to our robot overlords I’m just getting a head start.”

##  ~~~~~

After Rhodey’s visit, Toni spiralled, something about watching him walk out that door hurt so much. She was getting herself in the papers for being stupid on the regular. Everything became washed in a flood of vodka and Xanax, to just make it all stop hurting. And that was the reason why she found herself on an aeroplane to Wakanda. It had only been like two weeks but enough to make her a nuisance. Toni also didn’t know why it had to be Wakanda. She was aware the country was not what it seemed, mostly because neither Howard or Obie would attempt actual diplomacy if they just were getting like blood diamonds.

 

Toni’s ears were ringing with Obie and her conversation when she was packing to leave.

“Stay out of the press, get your head on straight okay?

“Why can’t I do this here? Why are you sending me so far away?”

“I told you I think you have the best chance of stopping this behaviour with a break away from here. And We’ve had good relationships with King T’chaka in the past.”

“Right yeah.”

“Also, see if you can close the deal, T’Chaka will understand what you mean. You’re more likely to get him to say yes than me. I am not his favourite person. but you're still basically just a kid play the sympathy card he’ll buy that. Also, remember you have some assets I don’t possess, your special skills.”

“Okay, Obie. I’ll be good just don’t make me stay gone forever? I'm still good enough for you right?”

“You're still good enough for me. I love you’re my special girl.” He said pressing his lips to hers 

“Love you too,” Toni replied.

 

She had agreed to it even if it made her skin crawl. Leaving her curled on the plane trying to keep herself from falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay JARVIS! I love him and so glad to get here, he's the best boy!
> 
> Next time we start the Wakanda arc, I just love the royal family so much.


	17. The Assets You Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, referenced sexual exploitation, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, referenced canon typical violence
> 
> Italicized text entails coming through her earpiece Toni can hear it
> 
> Playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 47-49

Toni, of course, had an unorthodox packing list, last minute additions after Obie had gone through her bag. She had recently created a portable JARVIS. The audiovisual sensors weren’t the same level of detail but limited scope the worst was she didn't have the ability to give him access to their files so he was isolated.

 

Toni had also shoved Bucky bear in a whim so he wouldn't be left there. Obie Was never to touch or even lay eyes on him. She would never get the bear clean from his hands she couldn’t scald off the hands as Toni did with her body. Bucky would be tainted forever. Toni was aware it was dumb to be that attached but it was like the one relic from her childhood that was really good.

 

Toni spent the long flight curled in her seat not ever feeling able to sleep but too tired to move. Her only real coherent thought is why should she have to close some deal in another country to be fixed most addict celebrities just went to rehab. But no because she’s freaking Antonia Stark her way was to go make business transactions. Plus Obie was mad and didn’t want to deal with her, which broke Toni’s heart, she needed him to love her.

 

When they arrived Toni stumbled out of the plane. Even with armour sunglasses on she couldn’t help but be awestruck by the city around her. Her brain was a bit fuzzy, she was being sent her for drinking too much but that didn’t mean anyone thought to empty the mini bar.

 

“Hello,” King T’Chaka said, “It is nice to see you again Antonia. Though I doubt you remember our first meeting it was long ago at one of your mother's events. I am sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks and ah, hello,” Toni said.

“This is my wife Romanda,” He said

“Pleasure to meet you properly,” She said shaking Toni’s sweaty unsteady hand with the most gracious and steady handshake Toni had ever felt.

“That is my daughter, Princess Shuri. A prodigy much like yourself, she has been wanting to show off her work and you might have a chance to understand.”

“Yeah, I have a lab and everything,” Shuri said bouncing on her feet she was really young and hyper that is going to be exhausting though very cute. 

“Sounds nice,” Toni replied

“This is my son T'Challa.”

T’Challa stepped forward and Toni instinctively took a step back. Obie had said she was going to seal the deal with T’Chaka she resigned herself to do whatever he wanted but she didn’t want the other guy to touch her too. He looked like he could kill her with his bare hands, maybe she could just push him away he wouldn’t want to do anything. But not enough he would hurt her out of anger.

T'challa frowned.

 

" _Ms Toni I believe you should not leave a royal scorned,_ " JARVIS said into her ear.

Toni nodded to the invisible JARVIS. His comforting presence in her ears keeping her grounded.

She stepped forward and shook his hand, with much trepidation.

“Well come in. We have food” Romanda said. 

“Thank you.”

 

Toni was glad once they left the outside the sunlight was not her friend when drunk or hungover or nervous or had headache basically the sun was always too fucking bright. The palace was breathtaking really a building for the future, even if it was inhabited by a monarchy. They sat in a small formal dining room.

 

When the food was served Toni wanted to gag, and not because of the type of food but the amount of food. Her mind started turning up every clean food/bad food book she’d read, and her mom’s limited portions and calories counting. Ugh, she couldn’t eat of all it, and couldn’t eat none of it either. But her mind would not just shut up. 

She stared absently at the food while the others started in.

 

“Antonia” A voice coming from the fog.

“Hmm.” Was all Toni could muster.

“Is the food not to your liking?” Ramonda asked

“Oh no mam it’s great, just plane sick.”

“Or hungover,” T’challa muttered.

“No, I would say I’m still in the drunk stage.” Toni intended to think but had said. “Oh, I'm sorry sir, I just I’m sorry that was inappropriate. I mean no disrespect” She corrected running her fingers through her long hair to calm her nerves. 

“It’s fine Antonia T’challa’s comment was equally uncalled for,” Ramonda said giving his son and her a stern smile. 

T'challa shrugged and gave his mother a look. Toni smiled it was the universal look for ‘i’m not a child anymore.’

 

Toni ate some of her food, better to eat than to be disrespectful to a king in his own kingdom with the scary lady guards that were meticulously placed to be just out of your line of sight throughout the palace. Well out of your sight, if you didn’t have years of ingrained paranoia. 

 

“Now Antonia.” T’Chaka said as the food was cleared for dessert, “Can you please enlighten us to the nature of your visit? While visits from your father were not unheard of there have been none in Wakanda sense his passing.”

“oh. Well, I’ve been um.. Well causing PR problems for Obie and Stark Industries so they wanted me to take a vacation and contemplate how to not to have pictures in the Enquirer every few days. And another matter pertaining to the deal? Obie said you’d know what that is.”

T'Chaka interlocked his fingers his brow furrowed and his look was one of disdain. 

“He sends a child?  Cowardly.” he said under his breath and then clear his throat and said at full volume “What do you understand about the deal we’ve been working on?”

“Well I wasn’t briefed really, he just thought I might be more useful then he is.” Toni shifted in her seat.

“Well, I think business shall not happen during our dessert this can be continued later,” Romanda commanded.

And of course, that was what happened Toni could tell the queen was not to be fucked with.

“Why were people taking so many pictures of you?” Shuri asked.

Toni blushed. “well ... I’m like pseudo-famous, so they like to you know talk about me.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s because of your own habits,” T'challa said.

“Yes,” Toni said stiffly. She was saved by the serving of ice cream. She moved it around in the bowl taking small bites till everyone else was finished and the meal broke up.

Toni stood awkwardly to the side unsure where she should go.

“T’Challa and Shuri why don’t you too take Toni and show her around. Our business discussion can wait until tomorrow.” 

T’Chaka said with a wave of his hand.

 

Toni followed the siblings who were having some kind of banter in their native language, Toni had continued to learn languages being multilingual was good to keep from surprises, she knew quite a few but Wakandan was not one of them.  They showed her a swirling mass of bedrooms, offices, ballrooms, gardens and the like all with impressive tech. They got to her room and T’challa seemed to fully remember she was there.

 

“That's pretty much the palace. Shuri is dying to show you her lab. But I figured you might not be up for that.” T'Challa said

“I’m always up for the lab though,” Shuri chimed in.

“How old are you two?” Toni asked it was a possible gage of danger. 

“I’m eight, almost nine!”  Shuri said.

Toni winced she always looked at kids with this weird sadness. Dismally weak hope passed her thoughts, wishing Shuri didn't have to hide in her room, she hoped she would stay safe, she was getting older now. 

“I'm twenty-four, Why?”

Toni swallowed hard, “just asking... so, what do you guys do? Like for fun?”

“Invent stuff, games, movies.” Shuri shrugged.

Toni looked to T’challa.

“I don’t have your kind of fun.” The man said stiffly 

“Hey, I’m sure you have.” Toni challenged, jokingly, at least she thought it was, trying to defuse tension. “You might be a prince but I didn’t hear saint anywhere in your titles.”

“No, I haven't,” T'challa said.

Toni had been joking he wasn’t, her fight instinct engaged. “Bullshit. You could pay anyone and you could have the good stuff.”

“But I don’t have any on me even if I did know where to get.”

“How am I gonna manage then? It’s not like just the beauty of Wakanda will do. I don’t wanna be here anymore than you want me here.” Toni snapped.

" _Ms Toni I do not recommend you escalate hostility further one of the Dora Milaje warriors is approaching._ "

“Yes, I get it,” Toni muttered under her breath.

“What are you fighting about?”A pretty girl probably around T’challa’s age asked, “She supposed to be our guest.”

“Nakia she’s trying to get me to find her drugs... I think.” T’Challa explained

Toni just turned to Nakia with a tilted head, not even removing her sunglasses. This was not a time to be more vulnerable she’d already fucked up. “I’m Toni Stark.” 

“Well, you aren’t getting any from him. His mother, Okoye and his dad would have his head if he did. Not to mention me.”

“Ugh, you guys don’t even have DARE and your all sticks in the mud. What's the point of being secluded if you can’t get high all the time. Doesn't your religion do herb like stuff?”  Toni mused she stepped away from the other crossing her hands over her chest. Toni took note of the easiest way to get away. The snark came easy to her mouth but the unconscious fear moved her feet on autopilot.

“Those are sacred.” Shuri cut in, “and they are sound in the body, make stuff better.”

“Oh look now the tiny princess is judging me too. Fuck I just need a drink. Do you guys at least do that?” Toni said turning to the side ready to dash.

“Sure fine, there is some in the kitchen.” T'Challa sighed seeming to melt under Naika’s judgmental gaze.

“Thanks.” Toni ran off in what she hoped looked like annoyance and not anything else.

**~~~~~**

Toni stole a bottle and wandered for a while looking for a quiet spot and found a porch. Scrambling up the side was hard but the safety of the roof was worth it no one could get to her here. Staring across the city to the mountainous horizon she had to admit it was a fucking amazing view, especially with the sun going down painting the sky with fire and purple waves. Toni stood as close to the edge as she could, it would be so easy to just step off. Nothing could hurt her after that just oblivion. She couldn’t throw up this time, it would be final. Poor Rhodey he’d be so sad, maybe Obie would be too. But it would be so easy just let it all go.

 

" _Ms Toni I would inform you it would be best for your safety to take a step back._ "

“Oh JARVIS I’m really bad at this diplomacy thing,” Toni said as she followed his advice and took a few backward steps.

" _I would have to agree. I don’t think calling them sticks in the mud and to insult their religion is a way to make friends._ " JARVIS’s was trying to distract her, Toni could tell.

“Well they don’t have to be my friend, I have Rhodey and you. I just need them to tolerate me so I can get this done for Obie. It’s better when he isn’t mad at me, and I want him to proud of me.”

“Well that’s probably good I don’t think you were really getting in good with either of them,” Nakia said sitting down next to Toni.

Toni jumped out of skin almost dropping the bottle she’d been clutching. Toni sat harshly down next to the other woman. 

 

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, guess you don’t deal with people trained in stealth.”

“ I used too. But now they don’t want anything to do with me, I mean I was a bit of jerk but hell I was just a kid, but they can't use me anymore. Fuck the bastards. ” Toni muttered, noting she must have had more than she thought to be talking about that so openly. ”What's the proof on this.?” she fumbled with the bottle  “Wow that's why”

"Toni.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Naikia said setting her stare firmly on Toni

‘Why?”

“You are drunk, talking to yourself, standing in a high place. I’m worried about your intentions.”

“Oh, you think I’m gonna jump. No, I won’t at least not today. I don’t wanna make Rhodey feel sad. And Obie too I love them.” Toni said, pretending she had not just been seriously contemplating throwing herself off the edge. 

“Well, that’s good. The death of Toni Stark on foreign soil would cause a stir.”

“Hmm, you could say OD or alcohol poisoning no one would give a fuck.”

“You are also the heir to the largest company in your country.”

“I guess.” 

“Look, part of our training is to read people. You weren’t even mad or hostile when you said that rude stuff to  T’Challa you were desperate.”

“I’m an addict we’re always desperate.”

“Desperate and very frightened.” Nakia clarified.

“T'Challa could kill me. He’s a lot bigger and probably in shape I’m not a fighter. Know some basic self-defence stuff but not anything useful and I'm too fucked up to use it. Add on I'm always half checked out and I’m not exactly a match for him ”

“You thought he would hurt you?” Nakia said confused.

“Of course, it’s always a possibility and he’s a man, one with the power they take what they want.” 

Niaka couldn’t debate that, not really she’d seen her share of generals, soldiers, warlords and dictators trails of destruction in her chosen work not to mention the scars left by colonialism across the continent. But it was still upsetting to have that label put on her closest friend.

 

“T’Challa isn’t like that.”

“Sure he isn’t, bet T’Chaka isn’t either right? Obie said I have assets and skills he doesn’t for this job. The only thing I do better than him is fucking straight guys. Your precious king is just another person who can openly ogle and screw me. Easier now to cause, hey I’m legal. So at least now he can do whatever to me and only be a creep and not a paedophile creep” Toni muttered pulling her legs to her chest.

“God Toni! King T’Chaka isn’t going to give you what you want because he thinks your sexually appealing, and he isn’t a creep.”

Toni rolled her eyes. God how Naive was this was this chick.

“Honestly Toni, you don’t even know them, take some time before you assume,” Nakia said trying to be reassuring. 

“They are stronger than me. And on top of they have all of you armed people, gives them carte blanche. They could hurt me if I say no it won’t even matter. What else do I need to know! I stay still they take what they want it’s how this works. ” Toni said cold anger in every word but the tears dripping from her eyes and shaking hands betrayed the fear underlying her anger.

“You really believe that.  God no wonder you are so scared.” Nakia felt some pity for Toni. The girl in front of her, curled in a ball on a roof was very different than the one in papers or talking back at a prince. 

“I can tell you're frightened. I don’t know what has happened in the past but here no one is going to touch you if you don’t want them too.”

Toni shook her head she stood up smashing the bottle on the roof.  “Look I’m glad you are so trusting must be nice. But I’m gonna go to bed because that Wakandan booze has made me way too honest. So I’ll see you tomorrow. Also if your gonna kill me in my sleep please do it quietly I’m a light sleeper.”

Toni slid down into the palace walking fast to ditch any tails. 

 

" _Again Ms Toni I must recommend you speak kinder to foreign dignitaries._ "

“Oh JARVIS” Toni sighed, “I’m just being what everyone says I am,” Toni said looking around her

" _Have you gotten yourself lost._ "

“Possibly”

" _I’ll lead you there_ "

Toni stumbled to the room, a  million miles away and she still afraid. It was just another night curled on a bed smelling hearing her own racing heart, feeling her scabbed over arms, sweat sticking her clothes to her skin as she prayed for sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T'challa won't stay a jerk of course, he is quite a bit younger here. Think kind of a steve reaction from Avengers 1, but he is still a good bro.
> 
> Their ages are shifted like Toni's were to match the new timeline a bit more. Shuri is older in the timeline then I think Shuri is meant to be. The age is pretty close to Latitia's real age.
> 
> I love Wakanda a lot so I had to bring them in sooner lol.
> 
> Please, Please let me know what you think!


	18. A Million Miles Away and Still The Same?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Disordered eating, referenced sexual exploitation, Referenced child sexual abuse, referenced rape, descriptions of dissociative episodes, Alcohol abuse/alcoholism, drug addiction, descriptions of withdrawal, vomiting, discussions of eating disorders, past child abuse
> 
> Italicized text is sound only Toni can hear from the JARVIS ear pod.
> 
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 50-53

“Prince T'Challa.” Nakia said, “Can I have a word?”

“Of course, come sit,” T’challa replied sliding over so Nakia could sit.

“I think you need to be more understanding with Toni.”

“Why she’s acting so disrespectful and rude?”

“T'challa she's scared, very scared of you and The King,” Nakia said putting her hand on his arm.

“Why would she be scared of us?” T'Challa asked turning to her.

“I think she is convinced she is meant to trade sexual favours to get what she came for.”

“She wants to have sex with my father?” T’Challa said his eyes widening.

“No, she thinks she has too. I do not think she wants to. And to her, you are just another threat another person she expects violence from. I don’t know exactly why but that’s how it is”

“So I should be nicer to her.”

“Look at her. She looks the wind could knock her over.”

“So?”

“So, be the bigger person, she is eighteen. Don’t rise to her bait.”

“Alright, I can do that. Of course, I will do that."

“As I knew you would. And hey to be fair it will annoy her.” 

“That is a bonus.”

**~~~~~**

At breakfast, Toni was again met with what in her eyes was a lot of food. There was a rational voice named JARVIS who has told her on more than one occasion that her idea of ‘enough’ and ‘way too much’ food was inaccurate, and Rhodey liked to remind her that Pizza doesn’t actually kill you. But Toni didn’t know how to shake the feeling that she was somehow doing something bad.

 

“Antonia.” T’Chaka cut into her worries

“Yeah?” she cringed, “I mean yes sir?”

“I was wondering if you were willing to meet this morning.”

“Um yes, sir.”

“Did Mr Stane send you with anything?”

“Yes, a flash drive I’ll bring it with me,” Toni said showing the orange drive in her hand.

“Very good.” T’Chaka nodded

“You should eat something Anontia you look very tired it will help,” Ramonda said

“Oh yes, ma'am.  an do you think you could use Toni, the only family really uses my full name and...”

“Course we can call you Toni” T’Challa cut in.

Toni narrowed her eyes, what was his game? She looked back down at the food her stomach was not going to like eating more, but again she figured hospitality and all. 

“Actually Toni” T’Chaka sid looking at a tablet in his hands, “I need some time first, not longer than a few hours. Why doesn’t Shuri take you to the lab?”

“Okay,” Toni said with a shrug.

 

Once Toni and Shuri had left T'Challa moved over to his father.

“Father, may I have a word?”

“Of course what's on your mind?”

“Nakia was talking to me after she had a conversation with Toni. It appears she is frightened of us, specifically you and myself.”

“Why would she be?” T’Chaka asked

“It seems she believes the reason she was sent and not Mr Stane was that she is to trade sexual favours for the business deal”

 

T’Chaka eyes went wide his mouth tight. Ramonda choked on her drink.

“Why would she think that. I do not engage in such acts?” T’Chaka said his voice calm but stern.

“I know father, Nakia said that Toni doesn’t seem to believe that, and she’s too terrified, confused, and inebriated to think clearly,” T’Challa explained.

“I must set her right.”

“Calm down my love. I doubt coming in and yelling at her will make her less frightened.” Romanda said laying her hand on his arm, “That child looks like she is very ill and I agree with Nakia and T’Challa she does appear frightened. We should show her kindness. I think you only need to bring it up if she does, we may be able to put her fears at ease by your inaction over working her up.”

 

##  ~~~~~

 

In the lab Toni was more excited then she had been in way too long.

“Oh, Shuri it’s fucking amazing!” Toni said. 

Toni took a loop around mentally making notes of everything. 

“What are you using in the shielding?” Toni asked looking at what appeared to be shields made of paper-thin layers of shiny grey metal.

“Vibranium.”

“Wait like Steve's shield?” Toni snapped around she would never admit her heart fluttered just saying his name.

“Who’s Steve?”Shuri said wrinkling her nose

An older lady walked over, “You’re the Stark girl?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Toni said stepping back from the shield like if it had burned her.

“Then yes it is the material used in Captain America's Shield. Your father begged us for mineral access for years, never got it. We didn’t want to continue to play role in his endless bitter wars, but I don’t think he much cared about our convictions or safety”s The lady said with a disgusted look.

“I mean that makes sense. Howard was an asshole,” Toni said, she felt no need to defend Howard. She also wasn’t protecting SI so no need to play the part of the loving daughter. Honestly, it was quite fun to insult him.

“Hmm quite. I’m Cebisa the current person in charge of Wakandan tech development, at least till Shuri is old enough to run it herself. I hope our dealings with you will go more smoothly.”

“I’d like that too”. Toni was then distracted by an explosion behind her.

“Pretty cool right,” Shuri says obviously as proud of the lab as Toni was of her bots.

 

Toni was then treated to the excited rambles of an overexcited eight-year-old, to be fair as an inventor she did feel a bit like a kid in a candy store, but damn she was too tired to totally keep up, geez eighteen and already too old for this shit.

 

" _Ms Toni I feel I should inform you that I have recorded this rant, in case the information is ever useful._ "

“Thanks, J, might be useful,” Toni muttered.

“ _I should also add you need to be consuming fluids, your blood pressure and heart rate are not at the optimal performance._ ”

“I know I’m anxious no need to tell I’m not at optimal performance.”

“Who are you talking too?” Cebisa asked

“JARVIS,” Toni replied.

“Is your comm contacting him to you, I believe you know we do not permit such communication,” Shuri asked

“No, he’s an AI just keeps me safe,” Toni explained

“Real AI?” Shuri questioned taking a closer look at the ear-pod.

“No course not, just my best shot.” Toni deflected, not even the Wakandans were going to know JARVIS was as complex as he was. They might want to take him, the last thing Toni would ever want.

“Then why do you carry him with you?” Shuri asked

“He’s my baby, can’t leave him alone. Plus I like the conversation”

“You need more friends” T’Challa interrupted with a kind but a teasing smile on his face.

“Yeah, probably but JARVIS is still top, next to Rhodey.”

“I sent to bring you to meet my father he’s ready to uh...finalize the plan.”

“Course let’s go,” Toni said hoping her smile didn’t look entirely forced.

 

They walked quietly Toni was attempting to push down the panic, it was no time to freak out, disconnection should be enough. Her feet propelled her forward without the input of her mind.

" _Ms Toni I must inquire after your wellbeing, your vitals are not up to standard levels, and it seems you still have not gained respect from the Royals._ "

“Shut it JARVIS we’ll fix it later”

She looked up and caught T’challa who was looking at her with a mix of confusion and maybe sadness? Toni was used to two modes anger and surprise the only time she got this look was when Rhodey tucked her into bed after Toni came home incoherent or in the hospital.

“You okay.”

“Yes, I am.”

 

They got to the conference room eventually and Toni felt sick, he had the same goddamn desk why did he have to have that model of a desk. She was promptly filled with panic breaking through the walls of fog. Toni figured her fear must have played on her face as the men gathered stared at her with looks of concern. Toni pushed herself she had to do this, she sat at the table even when part of her brain was just screaming at her to run the fuck away.

 

“So I looked over the drive you bought, the terms on there were much more agreeable, and exchange of information and some impure Vibranium. I am glad Mr Stane does not push as hard as Mr Stark.”

“Doesn’t need to. Obie, er Mr Stane  always gets what he wants, eventually.”

“Yes I noticed this even though limited correspondence was done, I can not say I found him agreeable, your father was not overly friendly but he was a more understanding in his communication. ” T’challa explained.

“Nah he was just a better performer, knows it’s only advantageous to be mean to those he didn’t need or can’t fight back.”

T’Chaka raised an eyebrow. A look that reminded her of Uncle Nicky. 

“We should focus on current business.” One of the women in the circle said, “get what we need.”

 

Toni tried to make herself small. She waited for instructions but instead, the people gathered started to discuss specifics of the deal. Toni was glad after that she just agreed and only had to sign papers. She had been taught to only sign after reading, but this was SI stuff, business politics what the fuck did she know about contract law. The only she wanted to do was build things.

 

After all the papers had dotted eyes and crossed T's the council left and it was just Toni and T’Chaka. Toni squeezed her arms in wondering what he would do, he clearly could see Toni was not sent for her negotiating skills. God she wanted was for it to be fast, but he was just staring at her. Toni bit her lip waiting for it to start, thoughts popping into her head at a painful rate. Hoping he would use a condom, not be too rough, not make her bleed, not drug her.

 

“Toni, I feel obligated to inform you I did not do business with you expecting anything from you personally. All I wanted was a smooth deal which I have. Also, I'm not going to send you back early even if we are done, because frankly, you look ill I’m not going to send a sick child away even if you are not Wakandan. I also would have no ability to make you forget anyway. I believe you are capable of discretion of the goings on in Wakanda and will not be a threat. And  Mr stane is often less than cooperative and I would rather deal with you any day.”

“What are you saying!” Toni asked sitting up.

“I am saying I do not require anything more from you but ensuring our deal is followed through and in the remainder of your stay you act respectfully.”

Toni cocked her head to the side studying his face. He didn’t look like Obie there was no lust in his eyes or angry like Howard or lost like her mother. It was mostly calm, strong but rimmed with concern more like Peggy or Jarvis than anyone else.

“Okay.” Toni said, “may I leave?”

“Yes, you may go.”

Toni slid on her sunglasses and left.

##  ~~~~~

Toni was mostly left to her own devices for the next day but she didn't get a drink which was not good. She knew she'd start feeling like shit. And sure enough by  5 am on the third-day withdrawal was in full force and her stomach was rejecting the sudden increase of quantity and variety of its intake.

 

So that was how she found in herself on her bedroom floor after vomiting covered in sweat. She was too confused to be mortified when the queen sat next to her.

 

“We have some medication you might find helpful if you’ll allow me to take you to medical.”

“Is fine it’s just withdrawal, and you know I just ate a lot of food like fancy food or ya know it makes it worse. Like I don’t even know what to do with it all that food anyway. Mom would not like it makes you fat. Dad disappointed too.” Toni muttered her mouth acting without her mind, “and like it’s my own fault anyway, karma and all. Obie would be so unhappy with me, letting other people see me like this.”

“Toni stark stand and follow me,” Romanda ordered, gracefully ignoring Toni’s rambles.

 

Toni huffed but obeyed. She walked with every step feeling like a mile to a small med bay. A nurse came over. She did a whole vitals check-in blur of plastic, used some fancy scanning machines and then gave her a shot. Toni passed out a few moments later.

“So is she okay?” Romanda asked.

“I don’t think she will die. But I doubt her condition would suggest she is at all okay.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well like you said she's in withdrawal. Here in Wakanda, it will be much less painful than any other time she’s gone through it, but it’s still less than pleasant. That is compounded by the fact she is underweight, malnourished and her body is running on extreme stress levels.”

“Why would she be malnourished? Her family has great resources. ”

“I would assume  she was not eating before my best guess would be an eating disorder.” The doctor explained, “her weight is borderline underweight and the imaging shows damage to the muscles and the oesophagus in alignment with damage caused by various eating disorders. That also worsens the stress her body is under everything in her body is misaligned.”

Romanda sighed looking at the girl who looked so young asleep compared to the jaded and guarded girl she had seen these first few days.  

Toni woke up periodically drenched in sweat unable to see straight. She was so out of it. She found herself begging for Jarvis, the human one, even though part of her knew she was just delirious but she just wanted him so badly. Once her brain caught up enough to know he was gone, she wanted Rhodey never clear enough to stop feeling like a lost little kid. 

Toni was pleased when the withdrawal was shorter than it would be back home, and a lot less terrible. Her meals were also smaller and less rich though the nurse wouldn’t let her leave any on the plate. JARVIS was annoyingly smug that the nurse was basically making Toni do what he said.

" _See I gave sound medical advice. A body really does need sleep and food_." JARVIS said. 

 

Toni was finally let out. She ran into to T'challa and she froze. The hairs on her neck and arm bristled and she felt an invisible hand around her throat. 

“You look well.” T'challa greeted

“Do I?” Toni said looking anywhere but his face biting her nail. 

“We got off on the wrong foot. You have been in medical for a few days, why don’t we go see some of the city? Fresh air?”

“Okay.”

 

The city was as beautiful as the palace. A pretty fantastic mixture of old designs and new tech. Everyone mostly left them alone either because of in spite of them being followed the royal guard called Dora Milaje they mostly blended in. T'Challa was greeted often but no mobs or anything else.  

Of course, Toni would do something stupid though, she tripped on something another and then when T'challa caught her she just froze the big hands on her waist just set off this stupid impulse where her mind just screamed to stop everything and freeze. He’d set her down staring at her confused while her mind caught up and reminded her body to function.

“You okay?” A pretty and fierce looking soldier asked after T'challa gave her a confused look.

“Mmm,” Toni hummed unable to speak yet. 

“I think she is experiencing some anxiety attack,” The soldier explained

“Sorry, Toni I meant no harm” T'challa explained holding his hands up. 

“I know, just ya know not feeling so great lately. A new place I’m just nervous.” Toni said twisting her locket between her fingers.

“Of course.” 

The soldier helped her up. “I’m Okoye. I can assure you I and the others will die and kill to protect our prince and as you are his friend that protection extends to you.”

Toni smiled, “That was dramatic and badass. oh a nice to meet you, I’m Toni stark.”

 

Toni was pleased when she started walking right next to her. She had no doubt Okoye would kill someone to do her job. The group walked to the edge of the city and Toni marvelled a bit at the just space everywhere. She was used to the expanse of the ocean. But she had only really spent time in crowded cities or beach homes, even the mansion had been surrounded by man-made gardens and gates.

“You live in a really fucking beautiful place.” Toni said, “Like you can breathe here or something.”

“I agree, I love Wakanda, my land and my people.”

Toni nodded. She was glad she was wearing her sunglasses she was sure her eyes would give away how emotional this goddamn view made her. 

**~~~~~**

Toni had fallen asleep right after the walk her body still not at 100%. She woke up with a start when her door opened. It was the queen with food, she must have slept through dinner. 

 

“I would have gotten my own food,” Toni said sitting up. She was surprised when two meals were on the tray and the queen had a table brought in. 

“Toni.” She said a bit later with a stern face. “I am aware you are only here for the summer. But I do hope you leave at least a bit better than when you got here.”

“Okay,” Toni said after a long pause.

“May I tell you a story.”

“Sure,” Toni agreed.

Romanda told Toni about the ancient Black Panther. Toni had read about the powerful leaders in Howard’s files on Wakanda. Cold lists of economic achievement and technical stats. It had only vaguely mentioned it as a title relating to their religion and government. In current times a mix of myth and urban legend. However, the Black Panther coming from the mouth of the queen it was a magical lifeline. The story was alive and warm, running with the lifeblood of a people. The spirit a strong part of life, more than just urban whispers based on new tech, and still more than just a parable.

 

“Why did you tell me that?” Toni asked.

“I figured you may need to believe in heroes.” The queen said and got up and left. 

Toni was left with bread in her mouth staring at the door. 

“Hey J?” Toni said

" _Yes, ms Toni?_ ” JARVIS answered.

“Save the recording of her telling the story okay?”

“ _Of course._ ”

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni was in the Lab with Shuri who was dancing around as she mused about ideas for new tech. Toni was watching from her position sitting on a lab table, for the first time Toni was the one helping someone organize their thoughts. Shuri had the scatterbrained way that Toni mused cam part and parcel with creativity. She hadn’t learned to streamline her thoughts yet, and she didn’t have the freedom Toni had to start any project on a whim. Apparently, the king thought it was a bad idea to give eight-year-old access to blow torches and explosives. So she didn’t have as much ability to just start something letting her mind jump without the pause of hyperfocus. 

“Oh wait that’s really good.” Toni said when Shuri stopped for a second.“Energy absorbing shielding. If you could a reflective process it could be defensive and offensive,” 

“I should tell my father,” Shuri said

“Why?... Isn’t better to draw up blueprints give it to them so they can start to make a prototype?” she gestured to the lab technicians.

“Why?” 

“Well it would be actionable then, and if the prototype is finished then you have proof of concept. That's safer right?”

“Latter, but dad will like it and he might have ideas of what we need to be practical. Come with me.” Shuri said dragging Toni with her.

 

Toni had a pit in her stomach, she hated thinking how disappointed Shuri was about to be. The kid's eyes had been so happy. She didn’t exactly want to watch the kid get the spirit kicked out of her. It was already she managed to seem to still believe in herself. After being let into the office. Toni watched as Shuri explained what she and Toni had come up with twisting her locked in her fingers.

 

“Shuri that’s amazing. I’ll come down later help you draft up the blueprints. Might not be functional for a while but I think you can get there. I am so proud of you.” T'chaka said

Toni stood wide-eyed as he hugged the kid.

“Good work Toni as well, Shuri always has some many ideas I’m glad you could help guide her, An older engineer to help the future chief engineer of Wakanda.”

“Of course. No big deal.” Toni said

Shuri beamed eyes lighting up. Toni walked back to the lab with an ecstatic Shuri.

“You're looking at me like I have three heads,” Shuri said walking backwards in front of Toni.

“Am I?”

“Very much so yes.”

“I’m surprised he liked the idea.”

“Why? You said it was good first.”

“It is good. But it was theoretical, won’t be functional for years even with Wakandan tech. It’s not useful in the here and now, not correctly productive.”

“So if we only did stuff, for now, we’d never get anywhere.” Shuri then ran forward seeing her brother walking down the hallway, “Brother listen to this design we made.” She then launched into a rant about as they all walked down the hall.

 

“Did have any feedback?”

Shuri nodded with a smile. 

“ He liked it.” Toni said just slightly baffled, “He didn’t yell at her about it or anything it’s surprising.”

“Kindness surprises you?”

Toni just shrugged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, good bro Wakandans! This was a long chapter hope you liked it.
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this chapter and the whole story. Feed the author comments we love them very much. Constructive criticism is also always enjoyed!
> 
> kay love yall <3


	19. Surprised By Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced sexual abuse, past domestic violence, disordered eating, insomnia, 
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 54-55

Toni was sitting in the lab playing with their displays thinking about some updated body armour. A full forty-eight hours had passed from when she started working on it. She'd been trying to pull in some of the Wakandan technology to make it more durable while retaining movement. Problem was that Wakandan tech was heavily based on their ownership of vibranium and other rare materials. They also weren't super focused on this like a basic gun battle or crude IEDs. She had to modify it for her practices regular soldiers didn't fight with Tron weapons and armoured rhinos. But her mind wouldn't let her stop even when she figured she really ought to.

 

Last time she slept she had a really bad dream. It was of getting a call that Rhodey died in battle.  It had even included a funeral with one of those fucking flag-covered coffins. It had been so awful, made her wake up shaking and the words and she couldn't shake the fear. The idea of her Rhodey dying was too horrible. She had to protect him, which was fucking with her brain enough she would rather not sleep and see that again, or her run of the mill nightmares. 

 

Toni heard a crash behind her jumping up she saw T'challa had fallen over a tool that had been left by the team earlier that day. Toni smiled, he looked funny sprawled out on the ground so different from the royal families normal grace. 

 

"Guess cats don't always land on their feet," Toni said

"One day I'll meet a girl who does not find me falling on my ass funny"

"Aww, you'll never find that," Toni said offering him her hand to help him to his feet.

"I was wondering, what are you working on?"

Toni squinted her eyes, she had an inherited need to protect her designs. "Why?"

"It must be important to not have left this lab for two days."

Toni leaned back biting her lip. She figured might as well be honest, they could hack her files anyway. "I'm working on new body armour."

"Oh, that's good. Why does that mean you can't sleep? I understand the need to go 110%, it runs in my family as well, but this is a bit excessive."

"I'm not doing it for shits and giggles. I need to make a better design so I can help Rhodey." Toni explained.

"What does this have to do with him?"

"He's my best friend and a soldier. He's been deployed to go shoot things and get shot at. He's always taken care of me. I can't let him get hurt."

"I see but I believe even if you come up with the best design possible. You still won't get it to him faster through sleep deprivation" T'challa said.

 

Toni glanced up. He didn't seem to passing judgment, mostly looking tired and a bit uncomfortable. She glanced back at the screen a flood of metallic taste flooded her mouth having bitten straight through her lip this time. Her hand jumped to her lockets rubbing them between her fingers. Both of them were almost completely smooth under her thumb. "I don't want to lose him," She murmured.

 

"I get it. He's family. But you will be better suited to help him if you've slept. And it will stop my mother from pestering me to get you to stop, prevent her from giving you her disappointed expression. Not to mention Shuri is gonna wanna have an invention binge like this. I don't wanna be responsible for that."

 

Toni half laughed and nodded giving into the exhaustion.

##  ~~~~~

The next day at breakfast Toni was eating her breakfast while looking out the window that covered the whole wall. The chatting between the royals made nice background noise as it was cheerful and much less stressful than her family. 

"Toni" Shuri shouted

"huh?" She said turning back to the conversation.

Shuri nodded to T'challa who rolled his eyes.

"I was wondering if you wanted to come to a party. It's nothing formal. However, it will be full of people around our ages, and it's held under the stars."

"Ahh sure?" Toni said. 

"Good." Shuri said, "You'll have to tell me about it. I'm not old enough and T'challa never tells me."

"Will do," Toni said smiling. 

Toni was given a dress to wear, she figured that was probably a good idea most of the party clothes were more revealing than was appropriate for the situation. 

Toni was good at parties, young rich powerful Wakandans were not that different than their American counterparts.  They also seemed to all know each other not surprising really, super rich and young people tended to and Wakanda had fewer people to get to know. 

Toni was the second most in-demand attendee beside the prince. She was probably interesting to them fresh meat to the group, so they had to figure out where she fits. Not to mention she had been in medical for days. The story of her freaking out in the market had got around and then if anyone had looked her up they got a less than flattering version of her story.

Toni had on a mask, it was a gif from her mother, so her answers meant nothing. She added on her own flare of a piranha smile and her signature sunglasses.

 

Toni was glad when Nakia dragged her over to a conversation with Okoye.

“I thought you could use a break,” Naikia said with a smile.

“You didn't seem to be enjoying yourself,” Okoye added.

 

“Oh, I don’t like these things. I went to way too many overcrowded rich people’s parties when I was a kid,” Toni said as she dug her fingers into her hand.  T'challa brushed her side making her jump. He leaned forward and kissed Nakia. Toni smiled they seemed happy. Toni would never admit but she was jealous of T'challa. Well for a few reasons, but one was that he got to kiss Nakia. He got to date such a kind, strong, empathetic and beautiful girl. 

Nakia and T’Challa talked rapidly in Wakandan smiling brightly. Their tight group of people seemed to work as a shield from the other people. Okoye watched all around them ever the bodyguard. Toni's anxiety was lessened with Okoye watching her back.

Toni fingered her lockets absentmindedly enjoying the night. She would actually remember this night so that was new when it came to adult parties.

“You know My father will not like it if we all stand here and don’t socialize with the others. He thinks if we talk with enough people it will drive his plans for more united Wakanda.” T'challa sighed.

Fear crawled over Toni, the hairs standing up on her arms. Images of Howard filling her brain. Toni interjected, “ He will?”

 

“Yeah, he wants me supporting his united Wakandan pride goals. It's important for keeping us safe. Together we can protect ourselves or whatever. He really wants me to work with him on protecting all of our peoples. ”

Toni didn't really understand much after the yes. She could feel her nerves lighting on fire, “We can split up cover the corners get more people.”

“We're not going into battle,” Okoye said.

“T’Challa, I didn’t know he would be angry, ” Toni said. “Is there anything we can do so he won’t be as pissed.”

They all looked at Toni with confusion. T’challa glanced at Nakia they were both struck by the earnestness of Toni’s words. 

“Toni it will be fine,” Nakai said.

“No.” Toni shook her head, “If he is angry then it won’t be fine. I don’t want to make it  any worse.”

“Toni my father will make a comment and I’ll promise to do better. It’s not that bad.” T’challa explained. 

 

Toni just stared, she didn’t know if he was downplaying it or telling the truth. Then she thought of the queen, a shock of fear ran through her, she really liked the queen. She didn't want to be responsible for her getting yelled at or worse. Her mind flooded with the image of her mother with slap marks on her. God, She couldn’t even picture the Queen crying. She was such a regal woman, Toni didn’t want to be responsible for her being hurt.

 

“What about The Queen? Aren’t you worried about her? I don’t want to be a reason she gets hurt?” Toni asked.

“What?” T'challa scrunched up his face.

“If he’s angry and he doesn’t blow up at you then he’ll hurt her right? I like your mom I don’t want her getting hit because of me. I don’t want her getting hit at all” Toni said exasperatedly.

“My Father is not abusive," T'challa said sounding offended.

Toni felt confused the three people around her expressions reflect that back at her, with some added sadness.

“Sorry I just assumed because you have power and stuff The king would be like Howard. In general, I wouldn’t get involved but I didn’t want to be the cause. I like you and the queen I'd feel shitty if I was the reason she got hit like ya know usually happens...”Toni trailed off.

 

Nakia shot forward and hugged Toni knocking her backwards. They collapsed on the floor. Toni flushed, Nakia laughed as she slid off her. 

The rest of the night went well, the stars were beautiful and the company was good. Much different from when she normally would have been so checked by this point it would all be a blur the next day. But right now she could feel her body and she could understand her surroundings.

 

Toni was changing when JARVIS interrupted.

“Ms Toni, how was your night?”

“Really good. I’m a bit embarrassed I accused The King of being like Howard in front of T’Challa. But they weren’t mad at me for it.”

“But besides that it was pleasant?”

“Very much.”

“I’m very glad.”

“Night buddy.”

##  ~~~~~

However, she was Toni Stark and why would she get to live in peace? All too quickly she was going back home. She was excited to get back to work on JARVIS and play with the boys. The bots were family, speaking of family Toni really missed Rhodey too. She had been in Wakanda for two months so communication wasn't really allowed out of the forcefield. Being home meant sliding back into a life that had driven her to the point that she had to be sent away. It was back to being alone with Obie, to cold floors, and forgetting to eat. 

 

Toni did know she couldn’t pretend that the relative peace of the Wakandan royal court wasn’t seductive. Something about being around people who actually expected better than falling apart made it easy to avoid her worst impulses, but no matter how much she loved Rhodey and Obie they knew she was fucked up and never expected better. 

 

But she was fucked up, and these people deserve a life free from her bulshit. Toni walked toward the landing pad when the queen called her over.

 

“Toni I wanted to let you know it was a pleasure having you.”

Toni suppressed a snort she knew it was anything but for them. “It was amazing being here” 

“I want you to know we consider you an honorary member of the royal family.”

“Oh, okay thanks,” Toni said giving her a smile. It was kind of the queen to say something nice. Wonderful gesture even if it was empty platitudes.

 

The plane ride home was a dreadful experience. Once she got homes all Toni could do was collapse on her couch, but there was no rest for the wicked, she knew soon something was going to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sooo late. I've been in the hospital after an emergency surgery so life's been a mess. But I'm so glad to be able to get this up.
> 
> Let me know what you guy think!
> 
> Love yall!


	20. No Rest for The Wicked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs: Severe illness, Misogynistic language, referenced sexual abuse, past child abuse, referenced domestic abuse, alcohol abuse, & descriptions of anxiety attacks & dissociation
> 
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [PLaylist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs:  
> 56-58

A week into being home Toni was surprised when she got a phone call from Sharon Carter the great niece of Aunt Peggy. The two of them had only met a few times when they were small at parties and the like. 

 

“Hey um, Toni. My aunt has been asking for you to visit.”

“Why?” Toni asked they hadn’t really talked since she was a kid unless you count the funeral which she did not.

“She wants to give you something, while...” Sharon's cracked with emotion “um while she remembers what that is she wants to give it to you. She has Alzheimer's.”

“Oh, yeah I’ll come to see her,” Toni said her mouth going dry.

“She talked about you ya know? You and your father both. She was proud of your inventions and school and stuff.”

“Why are you saying this?” Toni said feeling dizzy 

“So you will come, not just blow it off.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I don’t abandon people.”

An indigent noise came from Shannon

“Just tell me where she is.” Toni cut in before she could try to make excuses for Peggy.

 

Walking to the hospital room Toni felt like she had been kicked in the gut. Aunt Peggy looked something Toni would have never thought she could, vulnerable. Toni cleared her throat trying to put her wall up,

“Hi, Aunt Peggy,” Toni said with only a slight quiver as she closed the door.

“Hi, Toni.” 

“Shannon said you wanted to see me.” 

“Yes, I did. I have a few things I want you to have.” Peggy said turning to look for it.

“Why? don't you have a real family?” 

“I never meant to hurt you,” Peggy said meeting Toni’s eyes

That broke Toni making her mouth run away from her, 

“You abandoned me. You knew that house was a prison but you left me there. I loved you, you were everything I wanted to be. Hell, you still are. You were never scared of the men, always had your armour on. You have the lipstick and sunglasses and ‘fuck you’ attitude, I wanted to be that. I’ve never been strong. All I am is so lost and alone.” Toni shouted her hysterical tone cresting at the end as tears running down her hands waving around. She slid to her knees wrapping her arms around her chest.

“Toni, I wanted to spend time with my family, go home. And after  I cut ties with SHIELD I had no reason to be there. I did love you, I never stopped. You are wonderful and you are strong.”

 

Toni leaned her head to Peggy’s Knees, “I’m so sorry, I just I wanted you to be there with me. I miss you. All of it made me so angry I was cruel. I know you didn't mean to hurt me.”

“I know that love. You were never the cruel one in that house, you are so brave for surviving. You're the third bravest person I know. After Steve, and well myself.” Aunt Peggy brushed her hand through Toni’s hair, The kindness of the gesture sent a new wave of grief through her. Toni sat back on her heels sniffling like a child. She ran her arm furiously under her nose, fuck she hated crying.

“Well, I didn’t only want to see you. I have a gift for you.”

Peggy picked up a stack of notebooks tied together with twine.

“Thank you,” Toni said accepting the stack.

“Well, I haven’t even said what they are,” Peggy laughed.

“What are they?”

“The journals I kept from the time I worked with Steve.”

“Wow.” Toni smiled, without even having to force it.

“Yes, my nieces never really took to Steve as you did.”

“He’s a hero!” Toni said indignantly. They might not have ever needed one Toni thought to herself.

“That he is, the best there is,” Peggy said wistfully.

Then Peggy’s face went serious. She leaned over and said in a low voice.

“There is something in those journals, something your father hid, it can help you find it. You might not ever need it, I hope you won't. But now you will know where it is,  someone has too. I’m not the best keeper anymore. Keep it safe.”

“I will, I promise,” Toni said equally as quiet. 

“Good girl.”

Toni smiled sadly. 

“I’ll go now.”

“Toni. come back sometime.”

“ I will.”

## ~~~~~

Toni got home, and she just froze standing in the hall. If she did keep visiting then she would lose her all over again, how was that fair? She’d lost everyone but Rhodey and he was never home anymore. It wasn’t fair it just wasn’t fucking fair! Why was she always alone? 

 

Something had to be wrong with her, that was the only reason they would all leave her. She must be worth nothing to them. of course, she was that so it made sense that no one would want her. All Toni had ven ben is a fucking weak girl who couldn’t even adult right! All she had was her robots. She was nothing but broken and sad. Just a stupid, worthless, scared slut.

 

“Argh, screw it!” Toni shouted out and went to the cabinet. She poured herself a drink. Toni paused and stared at it her hands with a vice grip on the counter,

“Ms Toni, I would like to remind you. You haven’t had a drink since your time in Wakanda.”

“What about it?” Toni muttered

“I think it has been beneficial to your well being.”

“Are you going to be mad at me, are you not gonna want me anymore, want to leave me? If I drink this” Toni asked. Of course, logically JARVIS couldn’t leave her, and JARVIS was programmed to always be there for Toni. But JARVIS had thoughts, feelings, if JARVIS hated Toni she wouldn’t make him stay, she'd find something else for him to do.

“Of course not Ms I will always stand by you.”

Toni could hear the disappointment but she also couldn’t stop herself. 

 

That night Toni woke up from a rather pitiful alcohol-fueled rest. She wandered around, everything felt empty and cold. God, how was she hot and sticky, why was she so sticky? She was still in the clothes she’d seen Peggy in they felt like they strangling her. Toni stumbled yanking them off haphazardly discarding the garments. Then she felt worse standing in her living room in her bra and underwear.  Everything still felt off, she didn’t know what was wrong. 

 

“Are you okay Ms?” JARVIS cut into Toni’s thoughts. 

“Ah not really. Can you call Rhodey?”

“Of course.”

“Hey, baby girl what’s wrong?” Rhodey says his face materializing on one of the holographic displays.

“Why does something have to be wrong?” Toni asked quietly 

“Something is always up with you, and it’s two am where you are. So what’s up?” 

“I’m cold,” Toni said blankly

“Well, it looks like your in underwear in the living room. Maybe clothes would help.” Rhodey said patiently

“Right.” 

Toni went to her room. What was she even doing?

“Toni?”

“Rhodey?” Toni said

“Yup, you were putting on clothes.” worry creeping into his voice.

“Right.”

Toni put on an MIT sweatshirt, it made her think of Rhodey and was warm.

“Baby girl you are scaring me. What did you do?”

Toni just looked blankly at the video phone. Why did he assume she’d done something?

“Mr Rhodes Toni has done nothing wrong.” JARVIS cut in.

Toni was pleased J liked her. Then she felt bad as Rhodey looked murderous.

“Who hurt you? What happened? Are you safe?” Rhodey stood up jostling the view.

“Rhodey...My aunt Peggy is really sick.” Toni said, 

“Oh, man Toni I’m sorry.” He sat down with a long breath out

“I just, I don’t know. I’ll lose her again Rhodey bear. I wasn’t good enough to start with it was my fault. And it’s just gonna happen again.”

“Toni you are good enough. This isn’t anything to do with you, you didn’t make her sick, this is just bad luck.”

“I know, I just don’t want to go through it all again.”

“Are you safe?”

“Yeah, I’m safe. I’m just really sad.”

“You’ve had a shit few years. But hey I have some leave coming in about a month. I have to see my parents but I'll swing by. wouldn't miss seeing you.”

“Okay sounds good.” Toni said, “I love you.”

“I love you too. Get some rest”

Toni curled on the bed. Toni was glad Rhodey stayed on the line making some idle chatter till she was on the verge of sleep. She then heard his voice come through quite.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Mr Rhodes?”

“Keep an eye on her?”

“Of course.”

 

The next morning Toni was sitting by the counter where she had dropped the books the previous day.

“May I ask what the books are ms Toni?”

“Oh. Aunt Peggy gave them to me. They’re her Diary about Steve,”

“That’s nice.”

 

Toni opened them. She flipped through the pages, she wondered if there really was some secret. Nothing was out of place, a photo of the howling commandos fell out of the second book, that made her smile. Steve, Bucky, Junior, Jim, Jame, Gabes, Jacques, Happy Sam and Pinky. Toni could still name them, pointless information but comforting. She laid it to the side. In the last book after a page smudged with tears after Steve's death, a note fell out. It was newer than anything else the pages barely yellowed. 

 

/To the next person to keep it safe.

Howard stark at one point came back into possession of the serum that created Captain America. It is extremely crucial neither SHIELD or any other organization comes to have it. I believe in our cause with SHIELD but I’m not a child it is not at all unbelievable they would use it to hurt others.  Howard never used the full Serum again, he was power hungry more than he is loyal, he kept it. Originally I thought he would use it again, maybe on himself or a child. Lucky he seemed to believe Toni wasn’t worth it poor kid will never live up to Steve but in this case, it might be lucky for her.

More than anything you must protect it, never let it fall into the wrong hands. Steve was one in a million I fear the strength would drive a lesser man crazy and more than anything I fear a full army of lesser super soldiers. 

 

The serum is in a secret compartment in Howard’s secondary lab in his main home. It’s hidden behind his two favourite things in the world, passcode Steve’s serial number & his SI-ID number.

I know it’s all personal information but he had no time to change ti after death, hopefully, I pass this while still living to one I know will understand. 

Good luck and I hope my death is a good one.

~Carter

 

Toni read it. She noticed the code would be something only someone who knew Howard could understand. Her, Jarvis, Obie and Maria would be the only ones who could watch it next. It made her angry. In this letter about keeping secrets, people still managed to point out she was lesser. Even if it was true didn’t mean she liked to be reminded. Just she hated these dead people kept chasing her, the only way to get this is to go back to Manor house and walk in Howard’s mausoleum. It would all be for Steve, in his memory. While she did love the shit out of him he was dead, long dead. 

 

God, then there was also the fucking pain of her wishing for a good death but instead, she will rot away in a goddamn hospital. A sad pitiful drawn-out death for a trailblazing woman always a giant among men. Because that’s what life just seemed to do, apparently knock everyone down no matter how much they fight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think please, please! Comments make me live, I crave your feedback  
> \-----  
> I have actually experienced dissociative episodes like Toni's, especially after substance abuse so those things do happen. It is kind of like living a little to the left of reality, not total derealization but more like an anxiety attack and dissociative episode fused (my therapist agrees) somebody memories thrown in with feeling sticky and overwhelmed in the body sense. Just thought I'd let yall know what I was attempting to depict because it is really hard.  
> \-----  
> I didn't depict really any Alzheimer's symptoms. because t it's very early to the diagnosis so lucidity is possible and important to the story they have this conversation. I do know what Azhmirs is it just seemed okay to not depict it to graphically at this point. I also recently lost someone to dementia and didn't feel like totally reliving that lol (add another thing to the this story is at least a third me working out my issues)
> 
> Also, good bro JARVIS & Rhodey are so important


	21. 21 Knocked Down (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: past Child sexual abuse [nothing depicted but the effects heavily shown], disordered eating, non-graphic rape/non-con, emotional/psychological abuse, self-harm, described blood, canon-typical violence, moderate injury]ies  
> Playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 59-61

Toni was spending even more time on JARVIS then she had been he was connected to the other bot's now could help her communicate with them and keep them happy. On a less fun note, Toni kept being sent stuff from a secret admirer. It was an annoyance, so cliche and uncomfortable. She just wanted to focus on JARVIS. That was all she could think about, wouldn’t let her mind wander to Howard, or the constant feeling of emptiness in her gut, or the serum, or the way she wanted to claw her skin off, or how lonely she was, or Obie. 

 

It was nice that Obie was pleased she had gotten the Wakanda deal, and new gun design. And SI was in a good mood with sales and Toni’s ability to just get drunk in her own house now. A pleased Obie was better than an angry one but he still wanted what he wanted and Toni always gave it to him no matter how much she hated herself afterwards. 

 

It was harder to handle now, which was odd it should be easier she was an adult now. But she was having trouble convincing herself it was okay because now she thought about the idea of a grown man fucking an eleven-year-old and was horrified. So that part of her who knew something was wrong and bad when she was ten was screaming at her. She didn’t even don't even have the human Jarvis to clean her up anymore, it was just her trying in fragmented sweaty pieces. All she could do was just stay in the shower a bit too long trying to scrub Obie off. 

 

Toni still loved Obie, loved him so much, he scared her but he was the only one who had never left her, never stopped loving her. He was there when she didn’t have anyone, and he was real. JARVIS had no hands, Steve was dead, Bucky bear was just worn cloth, Rhodey was off fighting and the bots were so cold. Obie was also honest with her. He told her the truth, that she was good for sex, being pretty, even if her designs were good sometimes it would never be enough. He was straightforward, predictable, punctual and could be so kind and loving and more than anything he was just there.

 

Toni was throwing the latest present from the secret stalker dude in the trash drinking some Irish coffee and eating a pastry when JARVIS said;

“Ms Toni, Mr Stane is coming up.”

“Oh okay,” Toni said.

“Hello, beautiful. What are you having?” Obie called

“Coffee and a chocolate danish, it’s super good I have had like three.”

“You always eat like that?”

“Umm no?”

“You gotta remember to pay attention to how you look.”

“Course Obie.”

“Don’t be sad, you take everything so personal. Let’s have some fun, I need to unwind.”

“Sure yeah.” Toni slid off the stool following Obie to the room. She felt infinitely small standing in both his metaphoric and literal shadow. 

##  **~~~~~**

Obie left giving her a kiss running his hand through her hair. When the front door shut Toni got into the shower. Toni scrubbed hard it hurts but it needed to. Hot tears fell but she couldn't even feel them mingling with scorching water. Eventually, she wandered back into the living room.

 

“Ms Toni?” JARVIS said

“Yes,” Toni muttered

“You told me not to keep video when Mr Stane visits.”

“Yes, I did.”

“ I have followed your rules, but I have to let you know. I am very worried about you.”

“Don’t be J. Everything is fine,” Toni said plastering a smile on her face.

“Ms Toni I must object you allow me my own emotions, it is not in my programming for you to dictate what I consider harmful.”

“That wasn’t a command just a suggestion,” Toni replied.

“Good.”

“But really I'm fine. Obie is just special he likes our time private.”

“Ms Toni I don’t save the video files but I do read the other data. I found during these times I would assume you are having intercourse.”

“Yes.”

“But afterwards you harm yourself.”

“I shower.”

“I would suggest you look at your arms.”

 

Toni glanced down she had rubbed her arms so hard they were raw even bleeding in one sport. Toni sat down starring god how had she done that, she didn’t even notice.

“You also seem unhappy, and I believe sex is intended to make one happy.”

“Not always.”

“He commented on your eating habits.”

“So does Rhodey.” Toni retorted

“Mr Rhodes and I comment to remind you to take care of yourself. Mr Stane was telling you to eat less, but by my calculations, in general, you ingest less than you require. I think he is hurting you” JARVIS intended.

“JARVIS I Promise, it’s fine, it’s been like this since I was like eleven, ten if you count like ya know groping, grinding and kissing...”

 

“Ms Toni that does not alleviate my concern. In fact, it raises it that is harmful things he did to you.  Would you allow me to talk to Mr Rhodes? He seems to be very comforting when you are hurting.”

 

Toni felt a flash of anger “JARVIS you are forbidden to discuss Obie with Rhodey or actually anyone! Got it? You are not allowed to voice any concerns regarding Obie to anyone but me. You know nothing about him or what we do. JARVIS you just don’t, don’t understand anything about this.”

“I understand” JARVIS replied

Toni was pretty sure JARVIS was sulking. She shook her head, nothing to do about a sulky AI he’d have to get over it. 

##  **~~~~~**

The next day Toni was looking at the display trying to work out the next step in her latest missile design when the doorbell rang and Toni jumped.

 

“JARVIS why didn’t you warn me?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, I wasn’t monitoring the doorway. I can only follow orders. ”

“Screw you sassy Skynet” Toni muttered

 

Toni opened the door and the post guy handed her a box. upon opening the box it pretty much fell apart as her heart flew into her throat she let out a strangled scream. She was holding a human heart, blood oozing everywhere.

Pinned to the bloody organ was a note reading* you stabbed my heart 

“Fuck Fuck Fuck!” Toni yelled dropping the bloody mess on the floor.

“Ms Toni please try and calm down. Can you answer me?” JARVIS said

 

But Toni was having trouble making any noise. She kept staring from the cardboard and organ to the blood running off her hands. She felt like she was being strangled to death everything swirling in front of her.

“I’m going to call 911 ” Jarvis informed the panicked deathly still Toni crouched behind her countertop staring at the blood but not really seeing anything.

 

Toni wasn’t jostled out of her static state till a police officer placed his hand on her.

“Please don’t hurt me,” Toni yelped instinctually yanking back from the new person.

“Ma’am I'm not going to hurt you. I just need to ask you a few questions.”

A few moments later Toni was more coherent and was staring at a young female police officer sitting on the ground in front of Toni.

“You with us?” She asked

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me what happened here?”

“I’ve been getting letters and stuff from some dude and now it escalated,” Toni said.

“Can you be more specific?”

“A bloody heart in a box is a bit more dramatic than flowers don’t ya think?”

“ well yes,”  She said with a nod and an upturned corner of her mouth “ a medic is coming over now along with a tech to get some evidence from your hands.”

“Yup,” Toni said with a nod, flinching again when the lady patted her shoulder. People should really learn when touching someone is a bad idea Toni thought to herself.

 

A man and a woman came over. Toni sat completely still as the tech took scraping and swabs of the blood on her hands. The medic took her vitals and did a concussion test for god knows what reason. They took her clothes too for the trace evidence or whatever. Leaving Toni in her pyjamas her hands still pink from the blood she hadn’t fully gotten to wash yet in her living room shivering like she was in the snow.

“Thank you. That's all we need for now.” The tech said with a gentle nod, “We’ll call you if we need anything else.”

Oh, good they’re leaving, Toni thought she didn't want to see any more police.

 

Toni spent the next few days wrapped in a blanket holding watching the Bots running around her in circles trying to listen to JARVIS and make sure she at least had some Gatorade and crackers. She hated it, someone else trying to make her home hell.

 

Of course, knowing Toni things could always get worse. And that is exactly what happened as she was walking to the car taking JARVIS’s advice and was “getting out of the house.” A man came up behind her wrenching her hand around her back and kneeing her in the spine. Toni flailed her mind suddenly screaming at her to run but she couldn’t a fist came swinging at her face smacking into her eye.

 

He took hold her neck in his hands the pressure making it hurt to breathe. Tears ran from her eyes as she shoved her elbow into him making him let her go. But before Toni could stand up his fist knocked into the side of her head and grabbed her back into his arms. 

 

“What do you want?” Toni spluttered

“You never respond! nothing I do seems to get your attention!” He snarled

Toni only half processed his comment as her body went limp causing the dude to drop her, she might be light but holding up a human-sized rag doll was no walk in the park.

 

Once on the ground, Toni’s mind clawed back some coherence as she swung a kick into his groin causing him to double over. Toni then kicked at his back causing him to fall. She staggered to her feet and landed one kick to his head so he stopped trying to stand.

 

“JARVIS get Rhodey and 911 I was attacked I'm hurt,” Toni said into her JARVIS earpiece desperately as she fell to her knees her body giving into the pain collapsing on the ground.

Toni was roused by the same officer as before.

“You were right about escalation.” She said with a slight smile helping Toni sit up.

Toni barked out a short laugh holding her head in her hands any movement hurt. Toni then puked on the ground and felt like she was about to pass out.

“Medic!” The officer shouted

 

Toni was looked over this time it must have been bad as she was taken into the ambulance. Toni threw up again and she got stitches to her head the blood on her hands making her feel panic but it drowned out from the blurry confusion.  Toni got inside a concussion test, or at least she thought it was. None of the questions made much of any sense. Who even was president and why did it matter right now? She never knew the date anyway! The ride to the hospital was black had she passed out?

 

CAT scans X-rays and other tests Toni was too out of it to register. But once they were done and she was looked over manually something Toni didn't much like. The noise and bustle were demanding and they kept asking questions but finally, they allowed her to sleep.

 

Toni was pleasantly surprised when on waking up Rhodey’s voice greeted her. “Goddammit, baby girl we gotta stop meeting only when you’re in mortal peril.”

“My whole life is mortal peril” Toni muttered.

“Well, you must be okay if you have the energy to mock me,” Rhodey said a weak smile gracing his lips.

“Rhodey I'm scared,” Toni whispered.

“I know, I know. But I’m here, Obie was in here earlier saying you need a bodyguard.” Rhodey leaned over the edge of the bed taking her hand in his, not wanting to hurt her but he needed to remind his girl he was here for her. 

“When you find who won’t sell pictures of me maybe.”

“We’ll figure it out. You should also equip JARVIS with a laser beam or something.”

“Then he will really be our evil robot overlord.”

A pain ran through her from her spine to her head. She gasped out in pain squeezing Rhodey's hand.

“They said you got some bruising but nothing's broken. However, you got a pretty nasty concussion. Someone is supposed to watch over you. Also, I am proud of you.”

“ I was not being abducted again, and he can’t ya know, I didn’t him to take more from me...” Toni faltered unable to get the words out.

“Yeah, I know and he didn’t okay? Plus you gave him a concussion and hit him in the balls and that’s pretty amazing. Deserved worse, but you beat him good.”

“So do I need a bodyguard?”

“Of course you do you're a danger magnet!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week we get Happy Hogan!!!!!!  
> Please let me know what you think! comments make me super happy :)


	22. Danger Magnet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: past assault, Self-harm, alcohol abuse, internalized ableism, implied/referenced disordered eating, implied/referenced child abuse, descriptions of dissociative episodes, drug abuse, extreme brief discussions of war 
> 
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT
> 
> Songs:   
> 62-64

Rhodey was staying with Toni for a bit, she was always a mess but Toni was in one of the worse shapes he’d seen her in. Rhodey spent most the time sitting with her in the basement lab Toni was obsessed with upgrading JARVIS. And Rhodey had to admit to being impressed he now had the power to lock down the whole house. He constantly monitored the whole of the grounds, not just the house, you now needed passcodes to get in the house at all and to get into the rooms you needed codes during a lockdown. Rhodey was given an override code for emergencies to get to Toni if she had lock other people out. 

 

Rhodey was aware Toni was being paranoid to some extent but also he was glad she was focused on staying safe. Her inability to sleep, startle response at the doorbell to the point Rhodey told JARVIS to disconnect it he was not glad about that shit.

 

The night before Rhodey left they curled on the couch. Toni breathed in the Rhodey smell and melted in his warm hug. He was the one person who never hurt her, well at least not on purpose. Toni the whole time she was sitting in his arms part of her wanted to beg Rhodey to never leave her. But he was shipping off and he had always wanted to serve now he was, she would never take that away from him.

 

Before either of them really wanted Toni and Rhodey were at the door, his bag slung over his shoulder.

“I love you every day. I’ll call you and JARVIS is gonna tell me if start falling off the cliff again.”

“Yes.”

“And remember to eat, drink water, sleep please and be careful building  you don’t need to burn off an eyebrow...again.”

Toni rolled her eyes, “Yes mom I’ll eat all the veggies on my plate before dessert.”

It was Rhodey’s turn to roll his eyes as he hugged her and kissed her hair.

“Please be safe.”

“I’ll do my best.

##  ~~~~~

Toni told Obie she accepted his offer and look around at Stark buildings she hadn’t really paid much mind besides sending products to RND. Obie was more focused on building shareholder confidence in the company and having the cred of a certified Stark genius. After Obie had allowed her name on a few products people seemed to believe she was smart. Also, it would be her company in a few years she should know something.

She absolutely did not agree because even with JARVIS’s upgrades she felt panic every time she heard a noise or got the mail or that her own yard made her hyperventilate. Frustratingly she had started making very mailman leave it outside and JARVIS scanned it. Which meant Toni had to add ‘can’t be handed things’ and ‘won’t talk to postal service workers’ to her long list of issues. 

 

However, even after agreeing she just didn’t leave. Leaving home even with the fear she had in the house,  just seemed way too hard. The idea of dealing with living people, and news cameras, stupid judgmental businessmen and crows is was too much. Her nice robots and inventions were good enough for right now thanks.

It took till she was seriously fucked to force her out the door. 

Toni had been watching the bots whiz around the lab. Dum-E holding his fire extinguisher and Fido was doing jumps on the table unsolicited. The bots worked exceedingly hard in Rhodey’s stead to keep her alive. They also seemed to think that she would feel better with motor oil in her drinks and had obsessive behaviours about all kinds of things, that was probably having too much of their mother in them. 

 

“Ms Toni!” JARVIS sounded urgent.

“What's up,” Toni mumbled

“You have cut into your hand.”

She looked at her hand, she had, in fact, dug a screwdriver into her skin.

U wheeled over and handed Toni the first aid box

“Thanks, baby boy,” Toni said. Wrapping her hand in bandages she glanced around alcohol bottles, tools, cans and blueberry boxes scattered around the room. Her arms were covered in angry marks from her showers nails bitten to the quick. Feeling the peeling grey skin made her want to hurl.

“What's wrong with me?” Toni choked out. This weight settled over her as she curled on her couch. Briefly remembering how Rhodey thought she could be broken enough to believe her dead friend was alive. If she was slowly dying in her own home so disconnected she stabbed herself, maybe she was. 

“You're just very sick Toni. Something bad happened to you. you'll be okay. ” JARVIS soothed.

“That makes it worse J,” Toni said remembering the original Jarvis telling her that her mother was just sick in the same voice. Kind of tired, pity and a deep resignation. 

 Of course, she didn’t have kids, just the bots. She was only hurting herself, that couldn’t be as bad.  God, she really should go to the meetings with people around she couldn’t lose herself like that.

##  ~~~~~

Flying to New York City was a mess considering it was lots of noise and people. She basically just numbed herself out with drugs, which are legal, though not all legally hers. Rhodey would be sad with her doing so, so would the Queen, but she needed this more. JARVIS kept up talking her through where she was going.  Toni managed to fumble her way to a hotel and passed out on the bed fully clothed. The next morning Toni looked at the clock. 

 

“Fuck” Toni stood up. Changing her clothes ended up with her banging into every wall stabbed her mouth with her toothbrush, poked her eye with eyeliner and rip open the scabs on her arms. She hissed at the pain like a feral animal.

 

“JARVIS?” Toni said as she slipped out the back of the hotel.

_“Yes, Ms Toni?_ ”

“Where the hell am I going?”

_“The Stark Industries headquarters in new york”_

“Right. Right....” Toni rocked on her feet, “How do I get there?”

“ _I think it would be best of you to take a taxi_ ”

“Oh,” Toni said not moving

“ _You are not well, right now I would not suggest walking the whole. I also think you ought to stay away from the front of the hotel go around back_.”

“Right.”

After flagging down the taxi and climbing inside Toni saw the time on the display. 

“Can you drive fast and not maybe exactly legally?” Toni asked the driver.

“What?”

“Look if I don’t get where I’m going quickly Obie will be disappointed and I can’t deal with that.”

The man looked her up and down. She looked like crap and maybe a bit crazy. He then noticed the stack of bills in her hand. 

“You’ll give me all that?”

“yes .”

“Wait have I seen you before?”

“No, please I have to get there fast, he’ll be so mad!” Toni explained agitated and not in the mood to be answering so many questions.

“Okay ma'am, calm down.”

 

The car raced through the streets. Doing manoeuvres that were questionably street legal but Toni didn’t really care much about New York travel law. They did hit the brakes hard a red light shoving Toni against the divider wall hard. Staring through the plexiglass she saw his name tag,  Harold Hogan. Arriving at the Stark Industries Toni climbed out of the taxi. She stumbled almost fell on her face and then swayed a bit before she could actually see straight enough to walk. 

 

“Hey, person I have never seen before. Are you sure you're ok?”

“Just ya know I’m walking into the belly of the beast. Time to appease the high council.”

“Right, well hope that goes well,” Harold said gruffly

“Aww you're sweet,” Toni teased

 

Toni made her way up to the elevator then much to her displeasure a man looked at her all bedroom eyes and moved closer.

“Yes, I’m that Toni Stark, no I can’t give you pay raise and I don’t feel like fucking you,” Toni drawled.

The man turned his face which was beet red. 

Once she arrived at the boardroom she was greeted by a table of old men in suits that were priced the same as some houses. Toni sat down next to Obie who gave them a speech about dividends, production rates, distributors and stock prices, Toni couldn’t pay attention she was too light headed and so much focus was going into not falling asleep. 

During a break, hiding in the secretaries booth eating a PowerBar she overheard a conversation between board members.

“When Toni takes over we are gonna crash and burn. It’s like she doesn't even care, we all know it. But you’d think at her first board meaning she’d be at least not be visible out of her mind. She’ll be the worst CEO.” 

“Or the best, she’ll be off being like she is and just be a figurehead.”

“Well as long as she doesn’t spend all our money on drugs or robots or whatever, we should be fine. Just hope before Obadiah dies he gets sense into the girl.”

“I know you'd think after spending her life with Howard she’d have some skills for business. Howard knew business, particularly the part about staying on top.”

“Maybe we could ship her off to go be a spy. That’s what everyone says Howard was doing in the cold war days”

“She’d never be a spy too much a show-off. Everyone says she’s some kind of prodigy maybe that will show through.”

“People also  said Howard bought her way into MIT he was vain enough to it.”

 

Their voices became quiet as they moved away. Toni felt anger and sadness well in her chest. She gripped herself tightly breathing deep. Maybe if she held her chest her heart would stop feeling like it was going to break her ribs.  A scream climbed in her throat this company was rightfully hers. It was the only guarantee she’d had her whole life. Why did no one ever think she was good enough?

 

Going to factories and seeing the official RND research sites was less awful then corporate. In those rooms she was able to feel like the smartest person in the room, half the stuff was based on designs she either had made or tweaked and the other stuff she came up with fifty ideas how to improve then and there. The lab techs liked her if they could follow her ramblings if they couldn't they got really pissed off.

 

However, the enjoyment was lessened by constantly being managed by corporate or government men. All of them could easily hurt her, they had the size, power, money, influence and drive to fuck her over with no consequence, also guns. She should really consider weapons for herself. If she made her own, it would be one thing these men nor anybody else would ever have over her.

##  ~~~~~

When Toni got home she started a new research project. Objective: find out everything about Harold Hoggan. Born October fifth 1974 in Hoboken New Jersey. Happy had a high school education joined the military right after school. He had served during the first gulf war but had gone awol.

“Hmm, that brings loyalty points down,” Toni muttered to herself

“I suggest you read further Ms Toni”

 

So Toni kept reading. He refused to carry out an order that would harm civilian children in some post gulf war ‘intervention’. During the Gulf war had gotten a silver star for protecting his team. Toni decided yeah that was much better-disobeying rules didn’t bother her especially not killing some random kid.

 

His military training could be useful, currently, along with taxi, he acted as security at some fancy places. He would make a good bodyguard Toni surmised. He really couldn’t object to a new job he was making shit wages and didn’t have any family left to worry about.

“JARVIS can we keep him?” Toni joked.

“I think having a bodyguard would make everyone feel better.”

“Good I'll bring him home. Also, save the search algorithm.”

 

So that was why Happy who was having a fine lunch on a bench was interrupted by Toni Stark. 

“So Mr Hogan.” She said sitting across from him.

“Yeah.” He looked up frustrated.

“I have a job offer.” She said.

“Do I know you?”

“Yup. we met once in your taxi.” Toni took off her sunglasses.

“You're the nut job who gave me two hundred dollars.”

“Aww, you remember me.”

“And you're Toni stark.”

“That I am so you know when I tell you the payment will be wonderful you know I can follow through.”

“What is going on? I feel like I'm being punked.”

“That’s not it, I've only met Ashton Kutcher once. I'm here because I could use a bodyguard, Rhodey bear and Obie are like worried about me.” She said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“ Well, didn’t some dude try to kill like not that long ago? They probably have a point.”

“I mean sure, focus on that. But this job can use what learned in the army combined with your taxi skills. You drive in NYC you can drive anywhere.”

“So I’ll be your driver slash bodyguard?”

“That’s the gist.” Toni agreed with a slight nod her eyes drifting around her. Constant Paranoia had been her best friend since being a little girl and the degree they were exposed was aggravating her nerves.

“How do you know about the Army?”

“I have lots of ways. But I like you, even with the dishonourable discharge I think breaking rules is better sometimes.”

“Like traffic laws?”

“Yes like those.”

 

Harold thought for a bit. Better pay was good and he didn’t have any reason to stay where he was. He also had to admit sympathy for the girl. She may have all the money in the world but the first time she had seemed like a cornered animal on a caffeine high. Below an outward look of confidence and expensive clothes, something was off. He saw her looking around, the tense muscles, never making eye contact unconscious leg bouncing. It was more reminiscent of a soldier than an heiress.

 

“Sure why the fuck not. Can’t be worse than what I got now.”

“Good, good. You won’t regret this Happy. I’ll pay for the plane ticket just don’t miss it.”

“Happy?”

“You never smile in any pictures. I like the irony of it.” Toni explained with a shrug

 

Toni deeply wanted for this to mean something. She was letting another human into her life.  A real human who could hurt her, who could leave her. But she wanted to be less scared, and Rhodey to be less worried. So maybe a real person could help. Or at least not break her if she let them in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Week: Pepper Potts!!!!!
> 
> Toni just wants some positive attention man and it's such a mood
> 
> Let me know what you think, comments are truly the creator's life force lol
> 
> \-----  
> Also btws I'm on Tumblr:
> 
> http://myfandomrambles.tumblr.com -> covers analysis, headcanons, theories etc about many fandoms, including hella marvel
> 
> http://thinking-in-broken-scenes.tumblr.com -> aesthetics, fandom, poetry and art blog. 
> 
> https://thingsthatdontfitmyotherblogs.tumblr.com -> humour, shitposting and the like


	23. If You Let Them In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced child sexual abuse, referenced rape, past assault, self-harm, alcoholism, descriptions of anxiety, sexual harassment, disordered eating, canon typical violence, & past suicide attempt
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 65-68

Toni was actually starting to feel somewhat safer in her house. JARVIS was learning every day and having Happy around was nicer than she could have ever guessed. She was no longer surrounded by panic when walking outside Happy was there so not only could she knock them out Happy could shoot him the face if need be. And Happy didn’t have any normal gun, he had her newest design lighter, less kickback, no overheating,  bullets that cause more damage, could shift its range, and quieter. And just having someone seemed to make a difference, not being alone. 

 

Happy had perfected the split the sea of reporters movement so they couldn’t touch her but you can’t make the internet or TV shut up. Of course, the press had something to say about a new personal bodyguard. Usually some nonsense about him not being from the SI team, Toni ditching those that Obie forced on her or stupid shit like calling her paranoid and discussing the effect the stalker must have had. Toni had only really felt bad when Happy being dishonourably discharged came up. They, of course, didn’t mention past commendations or what had gotten him in trouble that didn’t matter. Someone had joked his real job was just to catch Toni when she was too drunk to stand, I mean he did that but it wasn’t his only job. 

 

Toni was now going to respectable parties so now she got drunk on the most expensive drinks, and she also noticed these parties with people who had money from “real business” had even less food to soak up the alcohol than the parties with B list celebrities. They were also distinctly less interesting old white men talking about stocks and politics kinda sucked.  The occasional tongue slips letting out dirty laundry was the only real entertainment. 

 

Toni actually stayed mostly out of the headlines even in tabloid rags, turned out people would rather get shots of Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio or  Uma Thurman which like, duh. And when they wanted business answers and shit Obie was better at answering so she just had to be uninteresting and people left her alone most of the time.

 

After being able to stay uninteresting for three whole months she got a call from Obie.

“Hello, Antonia.”

“What’s up?” Toni replied.

“I was thinking you should come into the business in an official capacity you have shown you have the ability to indulge in your less than press-friendly personal life out of the spotlight. With that newfound self-control, your intelligence can really shine now. I think RND would be a good place to start, you can manage the projects and learn some leadership skills as well as be directly under me.”

“Oh. Um.” Toni picked at the scab on her arm the skin was still painfully raw. Being ‘directly under him’ was particularly disturbing language, but she knew he, well probably, more meant he could watch over her and no middle manager would be fucking it up. “Yes, of course. I will”

“That’s wonderful Antonia. I think it would please your father and you are pleasing me.” 

“Thank you, Obie. I love you.”

“Oh, ah right, Love you too.”

Toni felt that odd sense of comfort and fear all mixed up that Obie brought. 

 

Toni learned that managing even just a section of a company took a lot of work and Toni wasn’t a particularly organized person, and even if she was the literal owner people assumed she would be weak. Toni would have to wear her armour all day long Not show her anxiety, not get over-excited, make sure people knew everything, not let people get close. This technique meant everyone switched to saying that she was a bitch, but a smart bitch so they all fell in line when it came to her inventions. Next, to bitch, the other common descriptions were disrespectful and distant. But it worked out fine, she didn’t need them to like her.

 

Toni had given the mail boys orders the first day to put everything on the shelf by the door. They thought she was mad but did it. However one day a new person started and they had apparently not gotten the memo. She was on the main floor looking over prototypes when the idiot placed a box in her hands. A surge of fear shot through Toni’s spine and dropped the box on the ground and stared at her hands she simultaneously knew there wasn’t blood but somehow felt there had to be, then some other goddamn idiot touched her back which was just not at all helpful. Anxiety had settled into her stomach and the world was blurred. 

 

Toni mumbled incoherently and stumbled back to her office and slammed the door shut. After that day Toni was a crazy bitch. However, if Toni had to describe herself she would be an overwhelmed bitch.

 

##  ~~~~~

One day Toni found herself at the coffee stand everyone stared at her because they probably thought she only drank some expensive coffee but caffeine was caffeine. Happy had come with her and accepted the coffee on her behalf without her even prompting him, very nice she didn’t want to deal with any of that stress. Not ready to go back to work she slumped on the wall.

“Paperwork is an invention of the devil. It’s meant to slowly drive every human crazy!” Toni muttered siping the over hot coffee.

“Yes, boss.” 

“Happy why has god forsaken me?”

Happy just rolled his eyes shaking his head in amusement. 

 

Toni squinted her eyes at the suddenly interesting scene in front of her.

A man presumably someone who worked there was grabbing some poor girls ass she asked him to stop and like every other asshole he didn’t, then she slapped him, Toni smiled at that. The giant dick then grabbed the girls arm making Toni’s heart rate jump. She turned to Happy and with an unspoken agreement they walked over and Toni slid her sunglasses down

 

Happy tapped his shoulder, and Toni said: “You’re gonna stop now.”

“Why should I?”

“I’m Antonia Stark and I can fire you, but more urgently Happy here has rather large fists and an unreleased Stark taser,” Toni said her heart beating in her ears, years of conditioning trying to get her to stop, shut up or run.

He fumbled some words that Toni couldn’t care less about and backed away. 

“You didn’t need to do that.” The strawberry blond lady said.

“I did, I figured you were tired of trying to stop him.” Toni drawled, “and I wouldn’t mind watching Happy beat some rapey dude’s ass.”

“Ugh well, thanks. He is the worst he clearly doesn’t understand the word stop. You think he would he's in the PR department.”

“Are you PR?”

“Yup.”

“I’m really sorry. I’m Toni Stark.” Toni smiled

“I’m Virginia Potts.” Ms Potss returned her smile. 

“Nice to meet you.”

“I’m going up” she gestured to the elevator.

“What a coincidence we are too.”

“You know you are a nightmare for our team. You can go out the back door you know?”

“But they like taking photos of my drunk ass,” Toni said mock apologetic.

“It’s not the drunk photos everyone expects those it’s when you say words.”

“Yeah, those are not my best. I mean paperwork is all useless words, I was just saying that it’s a curse from the devil! all words nothing to build and half of isn’t even numbers, I do science!”

“See I like words my best subject was English. The boss also seems to think calendars aren’t your thing, did Hades invent those too?”

“I think it was Loki he does the tricks right?”

“It was nice meeting you, Ms Stark.” Ms Potts said stepping out of the door with a soft smile.

“And you Ms Potts”

The door shut and then Toni pressed the down button, shooting happy a sheepish look.

“I think we made a new friend.” Toni smiled, “Hey J?”

" _I am already following the “Who the fuck is this’ protocol,_ " JARVIS said.

“Thanks, bud,” Toni said

“You do realise when you talk to yourself you look a bit crazy?”

“ Oh Happy you’re behind we all know I am crazy.”

 

##  ~~~~~

Toni looked over the file that laid out the life of Virginia Potts. Born February third 1980. Her mother resided in Florida no other living family. Other side of the country? Not close then.  She was currently the PA to the newly replaced vice manager of PR which Toni was honestly unsure why that was a thing. She went to NYU and got a degree in Public Relations and was currently trying to get an MBA. She had a few complaints in her company file and one from college for what amounted to “I’m not gonna let douchebags walk all over me” and she talked her way out of actually being punished, as well as a parking ticket. Toni smiled she liked Ms Potts and Toni needed an assistant it was deeply unfair she hadn’t even been offered one. 

 

Toni walked up to see Pepper staring at a stack of papers.

“Hello, Ms Potts,” Toni said.

“Hello, Ms Stark.”

“I’d like a word.”

They stepped into the office that had been recently vacated. 

“I was wondering if you would like an upgrade to be my PA,” Toni said after Pepper shut the door.

“Your firing yours?” Ms Potts looked suspicious.

“No it seems Obie didn’t think I needed one, but I’m not too proud to admit that I can’t keep my own schedule, let alone follow it. And honestly, I’m rather useless at anything that isn’t a machine.”

“I’m not buying you drugs.”

“Oh, so neither PA’s or African princes will buy me drugs.” Toni sighed over dramatically 

Ms Potts just raised her eyebrow, which was apparently a universal reaction to Toni.

“I wasn’t going to ask you to do anything that you don’t want. I respect the word no.”

“I think we should have a business lunch,” Pepper said meetings Toni’s eyes.

 A sly smile slid across Toni’s mouth and she clicked her tongue. Toni checked her phone. It was eleven-thirty it seemed JARVIS had let her sleep in. “So now?”

“Why not?” Pepper shrugged.

 

They took lunch at a ridiculously expensive but highly tasty bistro-like thing. Toni didn’t even need to order the Chef knew hers, Peper got a salad and soup made with meat from some sacred cow and clams from the Caribbean or some such nonsense. Toni gave the pitch; the salary was triple, she had killer benefits (which Toni loosely defined as vacation and you won’t have to pay for surgery), the hours would probably suck, Toni didn’t expect her to do anything illegal she wasn’t going to do already, she would get to travel for free as Toni now had to go check on other RND sites, and Toni wouldn’t sexually harass her.

Ms Potts then asked her all kinds of technical questions Toni didn’t have an answer for.

 

“Okay I have a suggestion, you can write your own contract I and a lawyer will go over it. I’ll probably sign it as long as you aren’t like making me do something really crazy like give you the company or my firstborn.”

“I’m gonna write my own contract?”

“Yeah I’ll print out with nice Stark Industries logo and we can sign it.”

“You just have no idea what you are doing?”

“With hiring people? No, Howard did it, then Obie. The only person I ever hired was Happy and our contract was a handshake on a bench.”

“That’s not legal.”

“I had people write something up later, apparently the IRS likes to arrest people for income that just happens.”

 

Pepper couldn’t even say anything. Getting to write her own contract getting ridiculous amounts of money and free travel sounded like a dream job. However, staring at the woman, well really a girl only nineteen, told her this would be a ridiculous job and something told her she would probably be attempting to hold Toni from falling off a cliff more than organizing papers.

 

“I don’t think you know what you're doing with life.” Mrs Potts slowly nodding slightly eyes slightly narrowed.

Toni smiled, the kind of smile she gave Rhodey warm and not at all like she was currently considering murder you, or like she was stoned out of this reality.

“Oh hell, I like a challenge.” Ms Potts gave in.

“You can email me anytime with your version of a contract.” 

 

Toni was pleased that JARVIS informed Toni that the contract drawn up by Ms Potts was satisfactory. Toni threw in she would give Pepper time to finish her degree. So in two days time, Ms Potts entered Toni’s house as her official PA.

“Welcome to my home, Ms Potts. Like anything to drink?”

“That would be good. But I’m here to organize your schedule this isn’t a social call...”

“I know that.” Toni rolled her eyes,“ JARVIS start some coffee for the lovely lady.”

“At Once” JARVIS answered

Ms Potts jumped at the voice from nowhere and marked the coffee pot coming to life on its own.

“You have a robot house?” She said amused honestly that was the least surprising thing about Toni Stark.

“JARVIS is my pride and glory, the most intelligent of my children.” 

“Right.” Ms Potts said, of course, how obvious. 

 

They sat on the couch and Toni listened to Ms Potts go through schedules and budgets. Ms Potts was very organized which was opposite to Toni but her voice told Toni she found a lot of it extremely annoying too. Of course, it couldn’t go completely like a real business meeting because Ms Potts attempted to hand Toni the tablet and she flinched back. Toni stayed stiff for a second taking a long breath. 

“I’m sorry I don’t like being handed things,” Toni muttered in explanation. 

“Right Ms Stark,” Pepper said setting it on the table allowing Toni to take it up. They continued like nothing odd had just happened. It was deeply appreciated, Toni didn’t feel like discussing bloody mail. 

 

After two weeks they had slid into a pretty comfortable pattern Ms Potts dragging Toni to things she absolutely must attend but she was a PR person through and through able to diplomatically get them out of anything non-essential. Pepper quickly learned to cover for Toni's weirdness, and was better at keeping her from calling random people names or using not so polite language to the reporters who hung around randomly. 

##  ~~~~~

One day they sat in Toni’s lab while Ms Potts was reading a suggestion from RND and Toni gave approval and Ms potts expertly signed Toni’s signature.

“Ms Potts... what.. can I call you something else? Ms Potts makes think I’m talking to a teapot.”

“My friends call me Pepper.”

“Pepper Potts, I like that solid nickname.” 

 

Pepper was caught off guard when they got upstairs and a man an army uniform, who she guessed was probably Rhodey stood guard at the lab door.  Toni pushed pat Pepper and leapt into Rhodey’s arms. It was a surprise but her Rhodey Bear was back, sure without warning but how could she complain? 

“Hey Baby girl.”

“Rhodey bear.”

“Have you eaten, and when’s the last time you slept ?” He said seriously giving her a very serious once over.

“Always the mother. Give Mama Rhodey a run for her money.”

 

But Toni put up no fight as they ate take out in the living room. Pepper felt a bit out of place as the other two seemed to be able to talk without words, but not unwelcome as they were willing to catch her up. Toni eventually fell asleep curled into Rhodey. Pepper was a bit surprised as she watched Rhodey expertly put the younger girl to bed like it was something he did every day. 

 

“Ms Potts we have things to discuss,” Rhodey said sternly once it was just the two of them.

“We do?” Pepper said challengingly.

“Toni is everything to me, and if she wants you around then I’m not gonna be mad at her for it robots really can’t be your only social interaction, ah no offence JARVIS.”

“I am not offended I know Ms Toni needs more than I can provide” JARVIS sounded sad. Could an AI be sad? Pepper guessed Stark AI probably could, it seemed to have sassed her before. 

“So you have to decide if you're going to be a distant professional keep your distance or not. She is difficult and rude and god knows aggravating. But you must understand more than anything she is fragile and self-destructive. She plays at in control rude socialite but she’ll let you run all over her if she likes you. Don’t take advantage of that.”

 

“I’m the employee, doesn’t it generally go the other way. The boss takes advantage of the PA?” Pepper said annoyed.

 

“Look I don’t have a problem with you, but I’m saying don’t let her get attached if this is just a stop off to better things in six months. And if you can’t hack the crazy I suggest you leave now.  But if you want to help me, the bots and Happy in keeping her alive. You have some things to know. So do you intend to stick it out?"

 

“I took this offer, aware I this would not be a traditional job,” 

 

“Okay then. Mostly just try and make sure she doesn’t die? She’s stupid about taking care of herself. ” Rhodey explained, “besides that, don't let yourself get too stressed out by the drama of Stark's and JARVIS you hook her up?”

“Certainly,” JARVIS said

“You are now on the emergency Toni service. It means JARVIS can alert you in an emergency. SOS green means she’s fine but might be about to dumb. SOS yellow means real danger is possible. And SOS red is for during an attack or if she has... harmed herself.”

“What do you mean?” Peper asked

“Toni has attempted suicide in the past,” Rhodey said sliding his hand over his chin, it wasn’t really his job to tell anyone Toni’s secrets but he always felt guilty being gone so much and having someone else in their corner was crucial.

Pepper’s breath caught in her throat she met Rhodey’s steady gaze. She shouldn’t be caught off guard it wasn’t surprising, but Rhodey was basically telling her he was trusting Pepper with Toni’s life and that was a lot.

“I can’t tell you why, if you have to know to ask her. and thank you .”

“right”

“Also Ms Potts you will find your phone has received other upgrades. A thank you for helping me protect my creator.” JARVIS said.

“Oh yeah, thanks.”

 

The next few days Toni and Pepper were both surprised how easy it was for Rhodey, Happy Pepper and Toni to work in a seamless manner. Toni enjoyed having her there a lot and she got along with Rhodey very well. Even when Rhodey left it didn't trigger the same destabilization. It was like maybe they could reach some kind of new normal.

 

Toni was doing better lately. Turns out Peppers ruthless but caring nature was good to help keep her focused. She also had a death glare to rival Toni’s. Turns out not being seen as a complete failure meant now she could be seen by and used in polite society.

 

 Toni hated being part of corporate culture more than anything but schmoozing seemed to be part of the Game, so Toni played. Even if every benefit or dance made her soul ache for the original Jarvis. Every blank face was her mother's, every dominating handshake was Howard's hands. And Obie generally likes to be with Toni after these events adding a new layer of misery when they came around knowing she wouldn’t even have her own home as refuge afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey is a protective bro and I really like writing him watching out for our girl.  
> We got the basic Ironfam now! Rhodey, JARVIS, Pepper, Happy & the other Bots. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Comments give me life


	24. Playing The Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past child abuse, implied domestic violence, alcoholism, non-consensual drug use, sexual assault, attempted rape, misogynistic slurs, past child sexual abuse, vomiting
> 
> You can skip the short description of the sexual assault scene. It's between the two marks -8-
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 69-72

Toni was driven by one of Obie’s people to a smaller party. It was going to be all the government players in arms. Toni was not happy to be going without Happy or Pepper. But as she stood outside the penthouse door she breathed in deeply. This what she had been practising for her whole life, make money for the company, make friends with the powerful, make Obie happy. 

 

As she ‘mingled’ she imagined her sunglasses reflecting the faces of the old boring senators back at them. Men of every age all kept trying to flirt with Toni, made her want to puke but it was part of what was expected so she smiled along. The government women and the wives either gave her murderous looks or pitty. Memories of people who gave her mom the same look filled her head. She was essentially a trophy wife and she had never even been married. 

 

When people did actually ask her questions about actual business Toni was armed with Pepper approved answers. Which made them probably believe she didn’t know anything, it was PR copy. Which was fair when it was pieces or whatever, she did know jack about that, but part of her wished she was allowed to actually explain the shit she did know about. 

Toni was taking a break on the side, her head was fuzzy, too fuzzy honestly she had barely drunk anything yet. Strawberry champagne wasn’t even that alcoholic and nothing compared to stuff she’d been drinking since high school. While trying to gather her mind two of the men asked her to have a private word. Senator Stern was one of them, he was on the armed services committee he'd been at every Stark Industry party for years. The other was some house member she vaguely recognized. Toni grimaced their questions spiked a million of her nerves. She followed anyway wondering how they could find the dead look in her eyes so sexy, but maybe it would be boring political stuff or weird old man ramblings about Nam, The Clintons or some vaguely racist and sexist shit about her she could handle that.

 

The congressman plopped on a bed, a lock clicked and Stern came in front of her with a hungry grin.

“See Stern told she was just as sexy in person. She really has a strung-out chic look.” The congressman laughed

“Yeah, I get what you mean,” Stern replied his hand cupping Toni’s cheek.

-8-

Toni knew better than to scream wasn’t sure she even could.

"So, Antonia, Do you feel good? I think what we gave you should be getting you into the mood?" Stern asked

"Uh yes I am," Toni said, her voice small and mechanical

“You know you always considered off-limits, pity really but Obediah wanted you to himself. But he’s been lax on the rules lately, with you growing up and all. ”

She stood still as his hand ran over her arm and slammed his pelvis into hers.

“Glad he’s finally realised you are too good to keep to himself.  Not to mention a way to make deals. As much we like money, it’s like they say 'sex sells'. ” The congressman laughed from the bed. 

Stern leaned in kissing her. Toni reacted like she always did, doing whatever it was he wanted. Letting her body shift with his hands and weight. Working her lips in time with his. 

Stern backed up looking amused, “Compliant too, just like the whore they say you are. I suppose practice makes perfect. You might be used to a rich life but I’m guessing I could probably buy you with some drugs, maybe just give SI a good deal, make Stane happy you'll do anything I think. But we'll get to any of that after.”

Toni stepped back pushing the fear down to get out words in her silky voice reserved for people like them, “Yeah so, I’ll be more than happy to continue, but I have to use the restroom first. I’ll be right back.”

Toni raced to the bathroom and locked herself in. 

-8-

All the air felt like it had been sucked from the room her breathing grew fast and ragged. She didn’t want to do this anymore, it was exhausting, they all just thought they could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. It was all so gross and they smelled bad and thought the third Mission Impossible was the height of cinema, and probably couldn’t even torrent it. A laugh tumbled from her lips mirthless and deranged. She then promptly threw up frothy strawberry flavoured acid. Toni sat numbly on the floor. Her mind ran fuzzy with whatever they'd give, the fear, alcohol. All this fucking time and she's still crying alone. 

 

She thought about calling Pepper or Happy but they wouldn’t even get to the front door. Rhodey was too far away. Her mind drifted to the black card Fury had given her all those years ago. She had the number memorized, ingrained in her brain from holding it in her tiny child hands too confused to dial the number, too scared to let it go. 

 

She fished her phone out. The line rang and to her surprise, she got an answer.

“How did you get this line.”Fury’s sharp voice asked.

“Uncle Nicky people are hurting me,” Toni said her voice wobbling.

“Toni?” He said surprised.

“I know you don’t like me and you gave me this so long ago. But I’m scared, I don’t want them to touch me anymore. “

“Where are you?”

“The bathroom”

“That's good. But I need an address so I can come get you.” Fury's voice was calming in a way that was un fury like but good.

“I don’t remember.” Toni choked out. She didn’t have her JARVIS ear pod in she had no way of knowing.

“Who is hurting you?” 

“Senator Stern, I’m at the armed services committee party” Toni answered

“I’m coming, Stay where you are, lock the door.”

 

Toni curled into a ball. Shivering on the cold tile. She kept feeling the hands over and over.

**~~~~~**

In what felt like no time the door burst open and Uncle Nicky was standing over her a pistol tied to his hip. Much to her surprise, he picked her up situating her on his back. Toni was glad she didn’t think she could walk. In the main room, two SHIELD agents had weapons pointed at the assembled masses. One man, who probably had tried to pick a fight had huge bruise forming on his face.

 

“Now those of you who are acquainted with SHIELD understand you won’t get anywhere pressing charges or fighting back. Those of you who don’t look at your fellow party guests faces and taker their lead. I don’t know where you sick fucks get off over terrifying a girl to the point she locks herself in the bathroom or why you thought it was okay to put roofies in her drink. But I can assure you that we can all forget this day ever happened, like most SHIELD operations, move on. But those of you who were discussing how fun it was because she couldn’t fight back, I know your names and I don’t forget or forgive.”

 

Fury then walked out the door his face in a grimace the  SHIELD agents flanked him. Toni buried her face in the popped collar.

##  ~~~~~

Fury found himself laying Toni's limp and sweaty body on a med bay table. They were in a SHIELD medical transport. He hadn’t signed this particular vehicle out and all recording tech was off. He only had his two most trusted agents on hand Maria Hill and Phil Coulson. The only other member of their rescue party was a young medic named Alison. Her record was exemplary and her current position was not one in which information on Toni would boost her carer. Fury ran his hand on her forehead sliding the sticky black hair from her grey tinged brown skin. Purple circles rounded her eyes her face and it made him feel ill and guilty. Fury almost imperceptibly started when the medic tapped his shoulder and gave him a sympathetic nod. 

 

He turned around as the Medic and Hill changed Toni into a gown. She had a nasty bruise on her wrist and some old injuries but nothing serious. However, a blood test showed GHB in mammoth quantities. He was right she had been roofied Fury cursed under his breath. Agent Hill came back and handed Fury Toni’s purse along with a crumpled piece of paper.

 

It gave a list of what she had taken. The only thing listed was a moderate amount of champagne. Then a list of names and numbers. 

Fury grimaced as he typed in the number for Happy.

“Mr Hogan speaking.”

“Hello. I am Director Nick Fury of SHIELD. I currently have Ms Stark in my care. I would appreciate if you could  take her home.”

“Is she safe?” Happy asked 

“She is currently unconscious but not seriously harmed.”

“Give me the address. I should tell you Toni has friends who may not be SHIELD but they will not take well to her being harmed.”

“Understood Mr Hogan.”

 

Fury was glad he had been reasonable, only a mild threat. Next, he called The PA.

“Hello, Ms Potts speaking.”

“I’m Director Fury of SHIELD.”

“Oh, what can I do for you?”

 “Toni Stark was involved in an incident.”

“Is she harmed?” Pepper said. Fury recognized a slight edge to her PR voice.

“She is unconscious but no permanent harm.”

“I hope you understand, while we might not be spies I do not take kindly to people harming Toni. I have access to SI and Toni’s personal info on SHIELD. I know who you are and your power but you don't know mine. So I hope for your sake Toni is unharmed.” Everything she said came out polite though Fury could see the deadly sweet smile he was getting through the phone.

“I have no intention of leaving permanent damage” though the sexual assault might do that anyway Fury thought, “I would like you to take her home though, her security personnel have already been alerted.”

“I will always be there for her.”

“I'll send you the address.”

 

Fury grimaced, the last person on the list was James Rhodes. The other two had been professional enough if hostile. However, Rhodes was Toni’s family, he’d heard a lot of Rhodey stories when he visited her way back when. Rhodey had been through a lot with Toni and was deeply invested in her well being and more loyalty to her than the government. Not to mention Fury was sure by this point Toni had probably cast him along with SHIELD as a villain.

 

“This is Luitent James Rhodes Who's calling?”

“I’m Directory Fury of SHIELD.”

“What did you do to Toni?” Rhodey asked angrily

“She is in the care of our medical team. There was an incident, she will be fine. I assumed she would want you to be notified, though I understand you are currently occupied with work.”

“Secret spies having my baby girl takes precedent. Where do you have her?”

“I will send you the address. Now Rhodes I know you would kill for Toni but I can assure you that  you would not succeed, and we are not to blame.”

“See I’m not sure I believe you.”

“I’m not sure it much matters.” Fury cut the line and was caught off guard when Hill tapped his shoulder.

“The medic says she should come round soon.”

“Good.”

“Can I ask a personal question?”

“You can ask.”

“Who is she?”

“Antonia Elena Stark thought you would know that.”

“I mean who is she to you? This wasn’t exactly a by the book mission.”

“My biggest past mistake and source of guilt in this life.”

“I see.”

Fury ignored Hill’s questioning eyes as he pushed through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is rough and we have a lot of rough for a bit. But I promise we will get some push back on the assholes!
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	25. Guilt in this life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, past domestic violence, past sexual assault, alcohol abuse, disordered eating, pregnancy scare  
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 74-78

Toni woke up in what looked like a fully equipped med station. She stared around her panic rising, kidnapped again, who had taken her now. Then she glanced at a medic looking her over.

“Don’t hurt me” Toni shouted sounding too young for her liking.

“Your back with us.” The medic said with a smile.

“Uh Uh And um where exactly am I with you?”Toni asked and cleared her throat mentally grasping for composure.

“In a SHIELD Medical transport.” The Medic said.

Then the events came back. She felt sick, Nicky must have brought her here. 

“Toni.” 

 

A smile crossed her face. Her uncle Nicky was standing there, he had actually come for her and she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t amazing to her that he liked her enough after what she did at the funeral.

 

“Hi, agent Fury,” Toni said though, re-arranging her face to passive. knowing getting reattached was probably not smart.

“Ms Stark” Nicky raised an eyebrow at the address, “And it’s Director now.”

“So you really did it. You always told me you’d run the joint.”

“I keep my promises.”

“Turns out.”

“I called the people on your ‘you found me passed' out list.”

“That's good.”

“They became increasingly threatening as I went down the list,”

“Well, you did call them and tell them you had me captive.”

“Stop being so melodramatic you know you aren’t captured.”

Toni just rolled her eyes

“I hope you understand what happened last night will be handled covertly. SHIELD is not usually used to break up parties.” 

“Yeah I know, people hurt me but this world is too much of a bitch for the people who say they care to do anything about it. Reputation and power are always more important.” Toni drawled.

 

“Toni.” Fury said harshly, “I will ensure they don’t hurt you again. I intend punishment to happen, it will just happen behind the scenes. Things are complicated when people who have that level of influence are involved to keep everyone safe.”

 

“No you just have to do it behind the scenes because your precious work is more important than me, everything is more important isn’t it? I know I was a bitch to you, but hey, my parents died maybe I deserved some slack. But I was no longer useful in your power claim so I was nothing you need to care about anymore.”

 

“Antonia Stark. You are acting like a child. I came when you called. When I make agreements I do not break them. You are just stubborn and angry. You have reason to be, but at this moment you must act your age and understand this is how things have to be. Don’t take it out on the only person who gave enough of a damn to come for you.”

 

Toni glared at him. Though the blue hospital gown undercut the glare so did the tears standing in her brown eyes, a piece of her soul peeking through the coldness that slowly ate away at the light.

 

“We will arrive shortly your friends will pick you up.”

“Your wording is off Director.” Toni's tone icy, “I have one friend the others just work for me. I’m sure you understand work, ambition, power leaves little room for a family. Much less friends.”

“I don’t work for you and I don’t need you for anything.” He said and left the med bay. 

 

To most people being told that you aren’t needed would sound cruel. But Toni knew what he meant. There wasn’t anything politically advantageous in him being kind to her. Fury just actually respected her enough as a human being to think it was cruel to let old stupid creeps rape her. Kind of a low bar sure, but it was still impressive. Not many people dropped their lives to help her, she could count one. Well now maybe two, but who knew really. Fury was still what he was, and he still let a lot of things happen. 

 

Toni was given some SHIELD issue clothes to wear, she would never admit to the amount the Medic helped her change still too dizzy to do so herself. She was given back her purse and phone. 

“Fury disposed of the clothes, figured you wouldn’t want to see them again.”

Toni nodded, good call.

 

Once they got their destination which was apparently a deserted yard of some kind, the back of the transport opened turns out it was disguised as a semi. Toni stepped out and was pleased to see Pepper, Happy and her beautiful platypus waiting for her.

 

Toni walked out as steady as she could but then fell into Rhodey’s arms burying her face in his shirt.

“Oh, baby girl what did they do to you?” Rhodey asked

“It wasn’t SHIELD,” Toni mumbled.

“Who hurt you baby girl?”

“It was a few senators who will not be able to do so again. I may be a heartless leader but no one likes men like that.” Fury said

 

Suddenly Toni’s heart was stronger than her learned cynicism. She turned and her legs dragged her back to Nick she was standing less than a pace in front of him staring at his face.

 

“Uncle Nicky thank you. You didn’t have to come but you did. I didn’t think you would.”

She said a few tears falling from her eyes, though neither commented on it or the fact that Fury was hurting as well, the muscles around his mouth were just a bit too tight. 

“I’m just surprised you still have the card.”

“I memorized the number, along with the guide book.”

“Good.”

“I mean it, thank you. You gave it to me when I was a little girl, you didn’t have to come. Like you said I’m not a kid any more.”

“Toni Stark, I didn’t give an expiration date, nor did I give you parameters on who had to hurt you or a limited number of uses. The line is always open.”

Toni nodded mutely as Fury presented her with the sunglasses and she accepted them eagerly.

“I figured you’d want them back.”

“Thanks, uncle Nicky.”

He grunted in response 

“Tell agent-agent and the other sneaky spies thank you.”

“I will.”

“Stay safe and maybe don’t be so far away.” Toni couldn’t help but add.

“Oh, Toni I am never really that far away. I keep tabs.”

“Course you do Director.”

 

Toni put on her sunglasses and walked to Happy’s waiting car.

“Explanation please Tones?” Rhodey asked

“Oh, Rhodey bear when we get to the hotel please.” Toni shoulders sagging her hand on the door.

“ok,” He said

Rhodey crawled into the back Toni laid her head on his shoulder. Pepper sat in the front.

“So are we friends with SHIELD now?” Pepper asked.

“God no, never. I don’t trust them one bit, Fury’s... fury, but spies are still spies ”

“Noted.”

 

Toni turned on her portable JARVIS hub and was informed that she was never allowed to go anywhere without him ever again, please. Toni agreed without question. Later they were all in the living room Toni figured she had no more stalling time.

 

“What do you want to know”?

“Let’s start with who made you unconscious and end up with SHIELD?” Rhodey answered.

“Remember I had that thing for Obie.”Toni froze, “fuck fuck fuck.”

Toni jumped and grabbed her phone.

“Obie.” She said 

“I understand the party was interrupted last night,” Obie said cooly.

“Yes,” Toni said weakly

“Your safe enough?”Obie asked

“Yes,” Toni answered blankly

“I’m not pleased as it isn’t constructive. But SHIELD is efficient with secrets, and hiding information I doubt it will cause much fuss.” Obie said with a sigh

“Of course.” Toni nodded 

“I’ll visit soon.”

Toni felt dizzy but stayed standing. “Course Obie.”

“I love you, my girl.”

“Love you too,” Toni mumbled

 

Her body wilted onto the couch.

“You okay?” Happy asked

“Yeah just had to update him.”

“Sound like he already knew.” Pepper commented.

“Kind of. But okay the party was boring enough but someone put something in my drink..s.”

Toni ignored the various facial expressions and continued, “some men they tried to ....well to sexually assault me. I got away before they could do much more than kiss me. Umm, I called Uncle Nicky and he got me out.”

 

“Oh god baby girl. I’m so sorry.” Rhodey pulled Toni in. Toni felt numb, it was all so bad but like also blase. It would all happen behind the curtain and Toni would just be that much more sad, and numb and angry.

 

“The director is your Uncle?” Happy asked after Toni pulled back from Rhodey

“I told you about my Uncle Nicky before right Rhodey?” Toni asked

“Yeah, but you never told me how powerful he was, or that I doubt he is your biological uncle.” Rhody answers

“Course not, Howard was an only child, and Contact with my Mom’s family was not priority numero uno.”

“So who is he?” Pepper asked,

 

Toni stood crossing her arms, “He was Aunt Peggy’s, also not my ‘real’ aunt just an old family friend, replacement with SHIELD when they had dealt with Howard. Howard was a man from his times, so a racist dick and also didn’t much care for anyone who could beat him and Nicky is ruthless. So Nicky often got free time in his visits while one of the other’s would talk to Howard about murder, guns, whisky or whatever. Nicky was nice talked to me, thought my stupid metal dog was worthwhile, told he'd help me if I got hurt. That’s how I got to him, gave me his direct line. Yeah, my childhood lacked the warm and fuzzies so much that my butler and spies were the only people who liked me. Well mom sometimes but I’m not sure she, you know, had it together”

 

Happy looked at his feet. Rhodey looked guilty and Pepper looked, was it pity? Toni wasn’t sure, but she hated sadness of any kind on Pepper. She was too smart, kind and pretty to be sad.

“It’s fine though I’m not bitter or anything,” Toni said knocking the hair from her eyes with a shake of her head.

“She said bitterly with a bitter tone,” Rhodey said making eye contact with Toni

They shared a small smile. For a brief moment, it didn’t matter that most of the world saw her as just a broken girl, a pawn in their game she had a few people who cared. And She cared for them. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni was standing in the bathroom drumming her fingers on the sink her teeth bared. Her mind kept circling back to fear so primal the spiralling thoughts were so loud it made her ears ring. She breathed out a long breath and glanced up, of course, JARVIS wasn’t in the ceiling but somehow that’s where she always looked for him. Toni’s muscles felt tight pinning her to the spot she was in.

 

“The fuck am I gonna do baby boy?” Toni asked her voice strained.

“I believe the first course of action would be to purchase a pregnancy test.”

“No JARVIS what am I supposed to do? Then how do I do whatever I decide to do when I can’t move.”

 

“Ms Toni there is no reason to panic yet. There are multiple reasons you might be having a gap in your periods. It’s not impossible for hormone irregularities to happen once in a while. Also, your nutrition is not generally adequate or many other things.”

 

“It’s not been this out a whack since I was dating Stone. At the time I was skinny I could’ve like died. I’m not there right now.”

 

“Yes but I’m trying to make you see, take this one step at a time.”

 

“Right yeah sounds good,” Toni replied. Toni still felt the acid in her stomach swirling at the idea part of Obie was growing inside of her. It was terrifying, even more so having to tell him. JARVIS was correct though, nothing could be done till she knew for sure. A deep breath allowed her to disengage from the sink.

 

She finished getting ready for the day. It was a bit out of order considering she had woken up really early after a nightmare and was already riding the wave of Irish coffee enough she really shouldn’t be driving. But she had to go to the store. 

 

Before Toni could spiral off into that worry she bumped into Pepper.

 

“Toni.” She said with a large sigh.

“What I do now?” Toni said defensively.

“Not answer me when I was calling for you, I was worried.”

“Why?” Toni muttered straightening her jacket finishing going to the kitchen and biting into a bagel.

 

“Well you’ve been under stress and I know that you don’t exactly handle stress the best,” Pepper explained.

“Yeah, that’s valid.”

“I just came here to get your signature.”

“It’s Sunday!” Toni said surprised, “Right J? I thought Sunday was Pep’s day off?”

“Yes, it is Sunday,” JARVIS confirmed

“I know but Mr Stane said he needed this today.”

“Okay.” Toni’s voice went small. She grabbed the tablet from Pepper’s hand. Toni had finished a design for in-house digital signatures. Not commercial yet but better than the other companies trying it out. But as she saw Obie’s signature above hers on the form her heart let into her throat making her forget her pride.

 

“Thank you, Ms Stark,” Pepper said

“Where’s Happy,” Toni said spinning around, her mind falling back into panic. She needed to know now.

“It’s his day off” Pepper replied

“Why’d I give you guys the same day off?”

“You don’t usually, he is meant to be Saturday. But it’s his mother's birthday.”

“Oh right. Umm, can your driver take me to the store?”

“I don’t have a driver.”

“What?’ Toni said

“I only have a drier for official events or when you let me use Happy.”

“I’ll give you a full-time driver.”

“Thanks. But why can’t you just drive yourself wherever like a normal person? You know how too.”

“I’m still too drunk," Toni muttered weight crushing her chest to the point one thing would tip her over. Fingers digging into her palm, trying to keep breathing. 

 

“Wow guess I’m a bit surprised that stops you,” Pepper said with an edge that Toni found completely unnecessary. 

Not to mention the comment dredged up the memory of the call, her parents dead. And the ever-present anger at Howard, which she hella did not need right now.

“I’m a stupid asshole but I am not my father!” 

“Wait, what?” Pepper said

 

But Toni couldn’t answer everything was too much. God, she hated feeling so fragile, but right now she didn’t want to fight. She just kept trying to bring her heart rate to a point it wasn’t hurting her chest. 

 

“Howard was driving drunk when he killed himself, Maria and my namesake,” JARVIS told Pepper.

“Oh, Toni I’m sorry. That was unfair.”

“I just have to call a driver or something. But I don't trust most of them.” Toni said, mostly to herself. Trying to implement J’s suggested focus on one step plan.

“Where are you trying to go?”

“Drug store, grocery store, pharmacy or something like that.”

“Well, I can take you there.”

“Huh? Why would you’d do that” Toni asked

“Well, why wouldn’t I? There’s one like ten minutes down the road.”

“Oh right. Guess I do forget not everyone has drivers all the time.”

“Come on. But you need shoes.”

 

Peper watched Toni feeling slightly confused, Pepper was used to Toni being strange. She’d been since day one, but usually, there was some method to the madness. So she had to admit to being a bit curious about what Toni needed this bad from a grocery store.

 

“Let’s go,” Toni said as she came back in hopping from foot to foot sliding on her sneakers.

 

Toni noted Pepper’s clear anticipation. She was drumming her fingers and kept glancing back at Toni with a concerned look. 

 

“Ask me then,” Toni said apprehension creeping into her voice. 

“What do you need to buy so bad?”

Toni faltered, she had invited it so she had to answer now. Toni steeled herself and said, “A pregnancy test.”

“What?!” Pepper said slamming on the breaks and swerving onto the shoulder so hard it felt like whiplash. 

“A pregnancy test,” Toni said rubbing the likely bruised back of her head. The seats in this midrange car were not like the ones in her normal cars.

“Uh, Toni you should have started with the fact your pregnant” 

“Might be. Might be pregnant”

“Who might be the father of the baby”

 

Toni wavered glancing at Pepper. To say it was Obie would be to break the rule. She wasn’t allowed to tell anybody, it was their secret. It had always been their secret, to say Obie was the one who might’ve knocked her up would be to admit they had been having sex. And she knew Pepper would not be a fan of that, she just wasn’t supposed to know.

 

“I’ll tell you who the father is if it comes back positive,” Toni said slowly staring at her shoes.

“Okay, okay that’s fair.” Pepper relented

 

Pepper looked at Toni. She looked close to crying, Pepper started driving again. Toni was clearly freaking the fuck out. She really ought to not make that worse. Toni was young, and not at all stable enough to be pregnant, much less be a mother. 

 

Add on to that everything she knew about Toni’ parents gave the distinct picture of a rather abusive childhood. Which was not that surprising anytime she saw Howard Stark her “giant asshole” alarm blared, adding on to that he’d killed Toni’s whole family by being a drunken idiot. Having shit parents hardly ever made people more excited to be a parent. Hell Pepper was older, and not nearly as much of a hot mess as her friend and she was terrified to ever have kids. They arrived at the store.

“I’m going to get it for you, Toni. I doubt you want images of you buying a pregnancy test all over the tabloids.” Pepper said.

“Oh yeah, thanks,” Toni said.

 

Sitting in the car was extremely nerve-wracking. She drummed on the door the whole time trying to keep the panic at bay. Thoughts of Obie, her mom, throwing up, getting fat and a million other upsetting shit-filled her mind. Pushing them away was hard. She jumped hard when Pepper climbed into the car and passed her a small brown paper bag.

 

They drove back to Toni’s place in silence. Walked to the bathroom with only a greeting from JARVIS breaking it up.

 

In the bathroom, Toni’s hands were shaking so bad Peper took the cardboard box from her. Toni looked up Pepper gave her a weak smile as she opened it. Toni took the small plastic stick and Pepper read off the directions from the box. Toni figured mostly to do something. She could figure out how it all worked, though she guessed she did need to know how long to wait.

 

Pepper stepped out so Toni could pee on the stupid thing. Toni was glad he came back in. She could do it with just JARVIS but the human hand on her shoulder was more comforting than she cared to admit.

 

When JARVIS let off an alarm Toni picked it up and sighed so big it had to be some kind of record. Negative. It was the best test result Toni had ever gotten. 

 

“That's good.” Pepper said running her hand over Toni’s hair.

“Yeah really good,” Toni said a smile creeping across her lips. Relief flooded her. 

 

Two days later Toni got her period and she was pretty sure it was the only time she was glad to have it come. Today it reminded her Obie hadn’t gotten her pregnant instead of a reminder he could do it.

 

However, five days later Obie showed up at her door. And they did what he wanted. Somehow it felt worse, like this moment of relief and freedom was followed by him reminding her or having her have to remind herself over and over that she belonged to him. That in the end, he was the only person who had loved her as a stupid kid, the only person who really knew her. Someone who knew what she was worth. 

 

It all felt extra painful right now. No matter if it was true, or that she did love him it made her feel so broken. Just like every moment was Obie playing puppeteer with her on the other end of the string.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some good vibes in this chapter. Well, it's gonna get rough for a sec but then we get a lot closer to like the actual iron man 1 plot stuff.
> 
> What can I say I project my suffering so just slow burn angst


	26. Puppet on His String

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, drug addiction, panic attacks, dissociative episodes, alcohol abuse, eating disorders, detoxification, 
> 
> Playlist Link:  
>   
> [Playlist (Youtube)](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> [Playlist (Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H6sIMQUEx4Tr4bO7XFd9P)  
> Songs:  
> 79-83

Toni didn’t do well after that, every time they had sex it pushed her further. Further into the bottle, into anxiety, into pills. It was a spiral that felt like she was running and never getting anywhere. So Toni wasn't surprised when Obie showed up at her house looking disappointed.

 

At the same time, Pepper was driving to Toni’s place, she had Papers that need signing. She sighed miserably traffic sucked, waiting in the car was the worst. Pepper was caught off guard when a video popped on the screen.

 

_Please watch its live-Jarvis*_

 

It was a video of Toni was talking to Obadiah Stane.

“You've been acting out again,” Stane said running his hand on her cheek “letting yourself fall apart. “

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been struggling a bit.”

“Look, I’m thinking you need to go stay with T’chaka. Get your head sorted out, get your actions back under control. Get back off the drugs, get your health back, you look ill.”Stane instructed

“Obie please don't send me away.” Toni pleaded

“Toni it’s obvious I can’t leave you alone. You’re incapable of caring for yourself.”

“I’m not alone.” 

“Your robots don’t count.”

“They do. But I was talking about Pepper and Happy.”

 

Obadiah sighed sounding extremely tired and disappointed. Though, in Pepper’s opinion, it sounded disingenuous, “They seem like competent people but you need someone to make sure you don’t end up like this.” He gestured to Toni’s whole body.

“You could come and stay with me for a while. We could do whatever you want, I don't want to be so far away from you. I won't let you down."

“Oh, beautiful it’s not just that, you're causing trouble for SI. It's not just me you're hurting.”

Toni’s face crumpled tears falling, “I know, I know I screwed up. I want to do better I will. I’ll be good I promise I will. What do you want for me?”

“Then you will go to Wakanda, I love you.”

He turned to leave and Toni ran after him grabbing his overlarge sleeve.

“Please Obie don’t ship me off again. You love me, you said you love me. Please, I’ll be good for you. I’ll do whatever you want, please, just don’t send me away. Don’t leave me alone, please. ” Toni sobbed tears streaming down her face.

 

Pepper felt some kind of feeling she couldn't name. They had picked her up after being drugged and sexually assaulted and she had barely cried, she had been sad, scared sure but not falling apart. Saying goodbye to Rhodey she was joking hurt but okay. Even after panic attacks, Toni wasn’t like this. Pepper was not sure what she thought of the man who could reduce the ever-snarky and ever brave Toni to a hysterical child. 

 

“Why don’t I ask if you can bring a friend? Ms Potts maybe? Then you can do some work there too would you like that? You can stay connected. ”

Toni wiped her nose, sniffling and nodded.

“Okay.” He patted Toni’s head. “It’s just I hate seeing you like this beautiful, your self destructing it's hard for me. ”

“Yes, Obie.”

“I’ve got to treat you like this, It's for the best.”

“I know.”

“Now, behave for King T'Chaka.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too beautiful girl.”

 

He walked out of the room head held high with a puffed-out chest. Leaving a dejected Toni staring after him. Pepper watched Toni curl into a ball on the floor sobbing. Her oversized sweatshirt swallowed her like a kid in her father's clothes.  

## ~~~~~

Toni looked up from her bag when Pepper walked inside. She turned back for a second wiping off any leftover tears on her face. 

“Hi Pep,” Toni was tired just so goddamn tired and probably looked so messed up. And there was beautiful Pepper looking put together and concerned. “You wanna go see the elusive kingdom of Wakanda. I promised you paid vacation, though this may include some work.”

“I’d love to Toni.” Pepper said in a soft tone.

“Wonderful. I’ll have Happy pack your things. We're leaving tomorrow morning.”

 

Toni flashed her the press smile. “I’m gonna let the Bots know I’ll be gone for a bit. Let them know Happy will be watching them. Can't shut them off again they hate that.” 

 

Toni flopped on the couch she had in her lab. The bots came over. They used their little manipulator arms to try and pat her. Toni wore a sad smile.

“Gonna miss you, boys. But I have to take a trip might be a little bit. Happy will come to check up on you So you won’t be too lonely. JARIS will give you updates on me... Won’t he?” 

“Of course I will. And I will send you pictures of the Bots as well.” JARVIS replied.

"Be careful, don't knock things over and don't get in any liquids some of you are old enough to rust,” Toni said rubbing dummy absentmindedly.  

## ~~~~~

Happy arrived a bit later with Pepper’s suitcase.

“How did you know what to pack?” Pepper said looking through surprised to find pretty much everything she would need for a few weeks.

“I used Toni’s packing list but added your work supplies.”

“Impressive. Will you actually come to see the Bots? They don’t need food or anything right?” Pepper asked. 

 

“Once you realize they are way too close to sentient you'll get it. Also, JARVIS would kill me. And I don’t like disappointing Toni she would be sad, and, well, I hate that.” Happy explained.

 

 "Mr Hogan I have no intention of killing you right now. And The Bots do suffer from separation anxiety and the only other option is Toni having to put them to sleep for the duration of her vacation which would leave them deeply upset when she returns.” JAVIS added

 

“Happy. What do you know about Obadiah Stane?” Pepper asked with her best stern expression.

“I know he was friends with Howard Stark starting when Toni was young. He was her guardian after her parents died, and now he's taking care of SI till Toni is twenty-one.”

“I knew that. I guess a better question is what do you think of him?”

“ He isn’t my... favourite person. I know Toni loves him.  And I know if I had my way he wouldn’t treat her the way he does. Also that you are twice the businessman he is.”

“Thanks, Happy.” it was comforting that someone else was made uncomfortable by him.“JARVIS how do you feel about him?” Pepper asked.

An uncharacteristically long pause followed, “I am a machine I am not capable of feelings.”

That was patently not true and they all knew it. Toni walked in on two extremely sombre figures. 

“Happy don’t be too sad we shouldn’t be gone long. I’d invite you but, I didn’t plan this shindig.” Toni laughed hoping it wasn’t obvious she was miserable.

## ~~~~~

The next day they got on the aeroplane Toni stared out the window. She liked Wakanda and she wasn’t that nervous she liked most everyone there, T’Chaka still frightened her she just couldn’t shake the fear but she enjoyed everyone else's company. Shuri was ten now, that made Toni worry. Obie had started doing sexual stuff with her by that point and her mom had been getting worse. She was so scared Shuri had been hurt now, that she hadn’t stopped it. 

 

It was so confusing, she knew if anyone touched Shuri like that she would kill them no question. Toni had lots of weapons and she could use them, the person would die screaming. and T’challa, Romanda and Okeyo would help.

 

But somehow she couldn’t bring that level of anger for Obie he loved her after all, not to mention it was all Toni would ever be good for, Shuri was so much more. She was going to be the youngest person ever in charge of Wakandan tech development. Shuri should be brilliant, happy and free. 

 

Toni jumped when Pepper touched her shoulder.

“Oh sorry were you asleep?” Peper asked

“Course not.”

“What’s in Wakanda? I’ve read files and it looks like a third world country but you packed like we are going to a resort.”

“Oh, Pepper, it’s the most advanced place ever. Imagine if Tokyo or the UAE was all powered by my tech. It’s brilliant not to mention the sunsets look like everything is on fire. Oh, Shuri’s lab is to die for. And their soldiers are brave but are actually nice. Plus like they have an amazing medical tech. T’challa is really nice, he’s the prince about your age. Then the Queen is the nicest lady I’ve ever met.”

“Oh wow. You really like it there?”

“Hmm, I do. You have to be respectful though Pepper they are royalty. They don’t bow, but they are more traditional in a lot of ways.”

“None of that is in any files, on the website or anything”

“Of course not. They keep it all a secret. They were never colonized by anyone and they have rare metals.  I know you have reports of mineral extraction, which is true. but what we get is impure vibranium it’s what made Cap’s shield, well no his is pure the real deal refined by Howard specifically for Steve” Toni drifted off at the end. Couldn’t help but remember the obsession that had consumed Toni’s childhood, and Howard’s life. 

“Toni?”

“What?”

“Food.”

Oh, Toni thought, that. They ate then Pepper fell asleep Toni didn’t when they arrived. When they finally landed Wakanda Toni smiled, weight lifted from her shoulder. She might be being kicked away by Obie but at least it was to somewhere nice.

##    
~~~~~

  
They got off the plane and were greeted by T’challa, Shuri and some of the Dora.

“Hello Toni,” Shuri said happily.

“Hello Princess, hello T’Challa,” Toni said smiling stumbling as she stepped forward.

T’Challa's face fell. “You're drunk.”

Toni stiffened, “Yeah. I mean I lasted a bit after I left but you know life.”

“My mother will be disappointed,” T’challa mumbled

“I know that.” Toni looked at the floor and took a breath and  put on a smile “This is the always lovely, always beautiful and always helpful Pepper Potts.” 

“Hello, Ms Potts. I am Prince T’Challa.” T’challa kissed her hand.

“Hello.” Pepper blushed.

“This is my sister Shuri” T’Challa gestured to the young girl.

“Hey Pepper. Are you dating Toni?” 

“Ahh no. I’m her assistant, I have to make sure she doesn’t make a fool of herself.”

Toni rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t disagree.

“That’s what Nakia said when she dated T’Challa,” Shuri said.

“Hey,” T'challa objected

“What she did!” Shuri replied.

“Let’s go The queen and king will join us for lunch,” T'Challa said

“Thank you,” Pepper said.

 

Pepper couldn’t hide her awe of the beauty of the palace. Toni was glad Pepper liked it as much as she hoped. Getting to go somewhere cool would be a bit of payment for putting up with Toni's bullshit

 

They had food, Toni guilty noticed she was back to feeling unable to eat much. T’Chaka asked some questions about SI Pepper answered most of them. Shuri was excited to share everything she could about her lab work having to be calmed by her brother and mother. Toni couldn't pay much attention to the light was giving her a headache and her mind was mixed with so much fuzz, shame, and tiredness. 

 

Pepper and Toni were in their room, well Toni’s part of the adjoining rooms. Toni flopped on the bed running her hands over her face god she felt like a shit person, she was almost all the way back to who she was over two years ago which was just fucking embarrassing. Disappointing, she was always disappointing, to Howard, to Obie, to SI, to The Queen. As if on cue Romanda came in.

 

“ I wanted to see how you were settling.”

“Everything is quite nice.” Pepper replied with her PR smile.

Toni felt a kick to her ankle which dropped over the side of the bed. She brought herself up to a sitting position and shot Pepper a glare.

“Did you not enjoy the food, Toni?” Romanda asked.

Toni looked away, understanding the real underlying meaning. It was code for ‘  I know what's up and I am going to drag your drug-addled, light-headed, hungover and utterly dumb ass back to medical again.’

“No, Toni just has some issues around food.” Pepper explained expertly cutting in before Toni could hypothetically fuck it all up. 

“Ms Potts you have need no need to play PR with me. I am well aware of Toni’s history of eating disorders and addiction. And I take you to have, what's that phrase, ‘fallen off the wagon’?”

Toni flushed. “Yes, Ma'am. I'm sorry”

“Apologies will not fix this. You have an appointment in medical tomorrow. Understand?”

“Yes, Ma'am.”

“I hope next visit you come I do not need to call our physician?”

“No promises,” Toni said smiling she forced herself to meet the kind eyes looking at her even with the stern expression they radiated calm and compassion.

She bid them goodnight. Toni groaned and flopped back on the soft bed.

 

“So sending you to Wakanda is Stane’s version of rehab?” Pepper questioned.

“Meh?  I guess, but it’s the best rehab they make drying out like the least uncomfortable it could be.”

“Will you be okay?” Pepper asked sitting next to Toni

“Yeah. Just rough."

“Sure, Toni.”

“I just, I feel bad, they are so nice. But I leave and just like fell apart again.”

“Well, I feel like a jerk they can tell I can’t get you to eat food.”

Toni frowned, “ I hired you to help with paperwork.”

“Yeah, we all know my real job is keeping you together.”

“ Yeah,” Toni mumbled

“Go to sleep, you didn't sleep the whole plane ride.”

“Couldn’t too nervous.”

“I know just sleep.”

“Okay.”

“Will that be all Ms Stark?”

“That will be all Ms Potts.”

 

Toni sighed staring at the vaulted ceiling it would be a long non-vacation vacation.

 

## ~~~~~

Pepper and Toni sat in the medical unit the same doctor from before checked her over and shook her head slightly.

“You’re a mess Ms Toni.” she chided

“I’ve been told.” Toni gave a smile.

“Well, I think the plan will be pretty much the same as last time. You know you stress out our Queen.”

“Oh im sorry,” Toni said casting her eyes down.

“It’s only because you somehow ended up being someone she cares for a great deal.”

 

Toni didn’t get that, they felt bad for her, and didn’t want a drunk around their kid daughter she respected that. And they were unfailingly kind people, but Toni was sure she wasn’t any more special than another dumbass. They gave her the cocktail which knocked her out. Falling asleep to the click of Pepper’s typing and the steady beep of the heart monitor.

 

Pepper watched Toni drift off as she typed memos. 

The doctor sat next to her, “I wasn’t exaggerating Our Queen, the others, like Ms Toni great deal. I’m the personal physician to the royal family. I only see them and rarely other elite members of Wakandan society. Ms Toni is the only outsider I have ever treated.”

“I appreciate you helping her. She really is a good person, just  doesn’t know how to not get herself into trouble and then ends up screwing it up more while trying to get out.” Pepper said unconsciously placing her hands on Toni’s.

 

“You see Toni is an honorary member of the Wakandan royal family. I think she did not understand the gravity of the statement last time she was here.”

“Probably not. She isn’t one to understand ritual or sentimentality. Unless your JARVIS or Steve Rogers.”

“It is quite the statement though. And Shuri is obsessed with her, the only person we’ve met even close to how smart Shuri is.” The doctor said with a sad kind of smile, “Though I hope that Shuri being so smart doesn’t end her up like this.”

 

## ~~~~~

 

After a few days in medical Toni was released and the first thing she wanted to see was Shuri in the lab. As she approached the lab she heard a loud bang and the screams. the noise made Toni shoot forward. She looked around it all seemed fine, except Shuri who was covering her ears and she looked scared.

 

“Hey Shuri look at me,” Toni said joining Shuri under a table.

Shuri obliged but didn’t quite seem in the moment yet.

“We’re gonna breath now okay? In and out slow, gotta feel it in your stomach.”

Toni modelled calming breaths Shuri started to level out her breaths no longer as shallow.

“Good come on we’re all okay,” Toni reassured placing light pressure on Shuri’s back

After Shuri was breathing evenly she leaned on Toni’s shoulder. She closed her eyes taking a few long breaths. 

 _Good work Ms Toni._ JARVIS said into Toni’s ear

Shuri sat up sighing, “I hate getting overwhelmed! My lab will be less 

crowded only I get to be loud.”

“Sound good.” Toni smiled, wrapping her arm around Shuri pulling the younger girl into a sideways hug. 

“Thank you.” Shuri said, “Panic attacks suck.”

“Yeah but your good now, it’s all safe,” Toni said, hoping it didn’t sound dismissive.

One of the other engineers started apologizing profusely to Shuri who just shrugged it off.

Toni sat and watched Shuri work for a bit before asking what she needed to know. 

“Shuri do you know what made you panic?” Toni said as calm as she could.

“Oh, I get sensory overwhelm sometimes.”

“So nothing happened loud stuff is a trigger all on its own?”

“Overlapping noise mostly when my brain can’t get it all sorted. Lots of movement or other stuff adds to it, it makes me anxious.” Shuri explained.

“Oh okay, that makes sense” 

“It sucks so much because building things is not quite, but I guess I’m kinda used to it’s been this way forever. But designing all these things is so amazing I work around it. When I’m in charge won’t be so bad, if I’m in control all of the crazy stuff isn’t as confusing. ” Shuri sighed looking around, she stood up getting her mind back into working order. Everything had calmed down so the coast was clear. 

 

“Now for the fun stuff!” she declared bringing Toni to look at her new remote control car, a full-sized one, she was working on. 

## ~~~~~

Pepper joined T’Challa and Toni as they went on a walk. Toni was glad to be here again, away from the cameras and expectations. T’Challa got to do his tour guide Barbie impression for Pepper it was nice he's so proud of Wakanda. Toni hoped she wasn’t coming across as rude for not listening but she couldn’t get her brain to focus for the life of her she was just disconnected. 

 

Toni was loving the relative peace of the Wakandan palace. T’Challa spent most of his time learning king things, but Shuri was pleased to have her around. Toni was having trouble enjoying the newfound rest, she seemed to have gone from bundle of nerves to a ghost. She felt like something in her had died and Toni didn’t know how to fix it. 

 

Pepper found Wakanda an excellent place to work. She got a lot of time to do classwork for her MBA and Toni could do a lot of SI on her own as it was RND work. Pepper enjoyed how calm things were and Toni was remembering to take care of herself, everything ran like a clock, life was much less chaotic. It was so beautiful the way their culture meshed tradition and ancestry with new tech was breathtaking. They didn’t share Toni’s Star-Trek inspired futurism aesthetic. 

 

Pepper was caught off guard when she was invited to a party of the most important Wakandans as a guest. The party was beautiful every girl seemed enamoured with an ever flustered T’Challa, but Toni and Shuri had informed Pepper he was so not over his ex. Toni blended seamlessly with the socialites, bull shiting was the same in every country.

 

Toni hated these events, if she was speaking Wakandan, English, French or whatever mindless compliments and fake smiles were boring and made her mind shut down. The only remotely interesting thing was T’Challa hating being the most eligible bachelor and how pretty Pepper looked in the light of the ballroom. 

 

“Pleasure to see you here,” Toni said coming up behind Pepper.

“Jeez, Tonie don’t sneak up on me!” Pepper scolded.

“What do you think? Solicilite parties any better here?”

“Well I can’t understand anything but I think mindless chatter is like insults you don’t need a translation.”

“That’s fair.”

“I hate to tell you this. But Mr Stane wants you home within a week.”

“He wants me home?” Toni says with a smile, he wants her that meant he wasn’t as mad anymore.

“You’re excited to leave?”

“Well not really. This place is so nice, but I’m just hiding here ignoring real life, not to mention wearing down their hospitality they can’t like having me here.” 

“Oh, I think they like having you here just fine.”

“No one really wants me around Pepper. I only have one human friend. I built or pay everyone else.”

Pepper sighed, it was not the time to pick a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this was kinda real sad but then some glad. I hope.  
> Next chapter is pretty similar and then we get some nice angry Toni.  
> Also, I love writing bros being good bros. Gotta mix in the comfort w/ this hurt comfort fic somewhere. We'll get more of that  
> Comments please! They make writers v happy. 
> 
> A Note on the Psychology:  
> I wanted to talk about Toni acting like a kid, as I had Pepper note, there is a reason for that like with IRL trauma victims. Developmental trauma (pre age ~22) causes changes in the brain. The younger the more severe the changes are. And in this story, Toni was kidnapped and neglected starting as a toddler. So that's kind of why her behaviour is like this on technical terms. 
> 
> Also if you'ree a child abuse victim sometimes we feel 99 and other times 9 ya know?


	27. Picking the Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is pretty late. I've had some medical issues and intense episodes of dissociation but having the clarity to get this up has been really great 
> 
> CW: Suicidal ideation, emotional/psychological abuse, past sexual abuse, referenced child sexual assault
> 
> Note: Most of this chapter contain pretty severe suicidal ideation and the process of coming out of it. If this is too triggering for you see the endnotes for the plot/character arc relevant portions
> 
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Song Numbers:  
> 84-86

Toni was waiting for Obie to speak. He was drinking some coffee staring across the counter. All Toni could do was mess with her locket to try and make herself calm.

 

“Toni you have a birthday coming up.”

“Yes.”

“Twenty one It’s a big age.”

“Yeah it is, I get to be  on control of SI.”

“I don’t think you are ready for that Toni,” Obie said shaking his head and took a sip from his steaming cup. 

“But it was promised to me after Howard died. Hell before he died, It’s always been mine.” Toni said her gaze snapping to meet Obie’s eyes which she immediately regretted seeing the disdain there. 

“You can’t even take care of yourself, you are of course, very smart but you struggle with the basics.”

“I know, but I've been working hard. And it’s my birthright.” Toni defied but her gaze and had dropped to the ground melting down the strength of her words.

“Toni you can work as hard as you want, but we all know you just can't do these big kinds of jobs. You are too emotional, and disorganized you can build nice things but dealing with people or making plans? No, your too hysterical way too often.” 

“But I can Obie, I can.” 

“No, you are not capable you’ve never been good for much just one thing, well two.”

“Obie” Toni felt wounded why was he being so cruel? Standing there under his gaze made her feel like that little girl, pathetically searching for anyone to care, anyone to save her. 

 

“Don’t worry I still need your ideas, I just don’t think you should run the company. And the other thing, well I don’t think we need to continue that either.” Obie explained.

“We aren’t going to...to have sex anymore? But you said that’s how you show you love me.” Toni said, confused and hurt, it didn’t make any sense. 

“Oh my beautiful girl, it’s not my fault you’ve outgrown that kind of affection,” Obie said running his hand through Toni’s long hair.

“You don’t love me?” Toni said, her voice breaking.

“Oh no, I do. That’s why I’m worried running SI would be too much for you, but we just won’t be so close anymore.” Obie cupped his hands around Toni’s face forcing her eyes to lock on his. “I know what’s best, I always have.”

Toni felt herself burn under his touch, a garbled noise escaped her lips and she shook her head. 

“Take a moment, enjoy your party, that Rhodes is coming home? That always makes you happy. You don't have to worry, just take care of yourself don’t bother with all this hard work stuff. I'll handle everything, just like I always do.”

 

Toni watched him leave. It felt like someone had cut the oxygen from the room and she couldn’t get her breath inside, a choking feeling overtook her. She wasn’t useful anymore, everyone knew she wasn’t worth much but not even sex anymore. 

 

Toni just wanted out, nothing mattered, she didn’t matter. She didn’t want this endless crushing weight in her chest. All that was left was fear, emptiness, drugs, alcohol, shame and isolation. She didn’t want that anymore, Toni couldn’t take it anymore. A familiar empty, cold clarity filled her and she walked over to the balcony and looked over the edge. 

 

Everything in her was pushing her to jump, but she remembered the strong hands that dragged her back to life the last time she had felt this dead.

 

“JARVIS call Rhodey.” she choked out.

“Ms Toni, Rhodes is not in range he has no communication equipment I can reach.”

“Call Pepper?”

“Of course” 

A quick beep sounded and Toni took in a sharp breath.

“Toni you okay,” Pepper asked

“Not at all?” Ton said her voice bland, the part of her screaming for help only just pushing through her dead shell.

“What's wrong?”

“He doesn’t love me,” Toni said, saying it out loud making her grip the bars of the railing the crushing pressure making her want to collapse.

“Who?”

“Obie. What’s the point,  if I'm not even worth it to him. Not good enough.” Toni answered

“Can you hold for a little bit? I can get to you pretty fast. Can you stay safe for me?”

“I think so,” Toni mumbled a familiar feeling of cotton wrapping around her thoughts.

“Very good. Keep talking to JARVIS he can keep you distracted okay?”

“Sure..uh um yup,” Toni muttered, she squinted her eyes the world going blurred in front of her.

“Ms Toni I suggest you walk backwards,” JARVIS said

“Can’t do that J. Don’t think I can move,” Toni said with a harsh laugh

“Well, why don’t you tell me what you thought of the movies we watched last night?”

“Little Miss Sunshine was pretty good. When he broke down because he’s colour blind. Man that was sad”

“Yes very sad.”

“Anne Hathaway is really hot, not the same movie but still. I met Anne Hathaway once you know? She’s pretty cool.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

 

Toni felt lost her mind was searching something out but didn't know what. Suddenly she thought of Steve, he would be disappointed if she died like this right? He was always a hero died doing what was right. 

 

“J?”

“Yes?”

“You have the scans of Aunt Peggy’s journals right?”

“Yes I do”

“Read them?”

“Of course.”

Toni stood there trying to keep her mind focused on every word.

JARVIS’s voice stopped as she heard running feet behind her.

“Toni!” Pepper said breathlessly.

“Hi Pepper,” Ton said.

“Hey, Toni. can you back up?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Okay. Can you sit down?”

“Maybe?”

“Let’s give it a try yeah?”

Toni sat down her arms still gripping the bar above her head. 

“Can I sit next to you?”

“Sure Pep.”

 

Neither of them knew what to say so they sat there silent for a while. Toni had so many words in her brain but it wouldn’t come to her mouth. The only time she ever talked was under the influence of really strong alcohol or during panic attacks. The numbness was what she was used to keeping herself from talking. And she never did, she couldn't, she had promised not too. She wasn’t allowed to talk, and no one would care anyway. 

 

Toni jumped when Pepper's hand laid on her arm, the pressure allowed to Toni to lower her arms, noticing how much it hurt to sit like that. Toni wondered if the SI stuff would be okay to talk about. Pepper would hear about that anyway it could be safe and maybe she would even care.

 

“Obie doesn't want me to take over the company,” Toni said,

“Oh. why not?”

“I’m not good enough, to unstable, and not smart enough.”

“Toni you can do it. You are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, maybe Shuri is smarter...” Pepper said trying to bring some levity into the situation. 

“Oh, she totally is” an empty smile crossed her face.

“But you are way smarter than any of the people running SI now. You also have those designs you’ve been saving.”

“It’s defensive and communication gear Obie likes guns. He likes putting his name on guns even more.”

“Sure but when you're in charge you can make them if you want to, with your name. Also, you can knock out a weapons design in like hours.”

“That’s true.”

“So you’ll diversify the product lines, but you still have good upgrades to old work too. I’ll keep your schedule in order, Happy will make sure you get there. Not to mention you were raised on this stuff.”

“I know how to do a lot of business stuff,  just not so great at actually dealing with people, they all suck. 

“At the current moment, I think they do.”

“You don’t think I’m worthless?” The question fell from her lips focusing her gaze focused on a particular nail in the wooden railing. 

“Fuck Toni, who says your worthless?”

“I’m never enough Pepper I’m not as good as they want me to be ever. I can’t do anything right”

“You're easily distracted, have no concept of time, can be quite oblivious and are a chaos magnet.”

“Gee thanks.”

“But you're also brilliant, creative, passionate and kind. No matter if you mess up you are not worthless, ever.”

“He doesn’t love me anymore Pepper. He’s been with me for a long time, the only one longer is Bucky and Steve"

“We still talking Stane?”

“Course.” Toni sighed looking up at the sky. The sun had the expansive darkness scattered with stars. She glanced at Pepper for the first time since she got there. Pepper was pale and looked scared a wave of guilt washed over Toni for hurting Pepper.

 

“Toni, I’m sure that’s not true,” Pepper reassured. Though Pepper was unsure what went down, she knew for a fact she did not like Stane. And to be completely honest the man probably did not love Toni, emotional abusive bastard. But saying he didn’t love her wasn’t a good thing to say at the moment.

“I think it is. But do you really think I could run the company?”

“It’s yours anyway. It was always going to be right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well okay then.”

 

Toni looked down her brown hair resting on her lap. At that moment she knew what she needed to do, she was gonna be their nightmare and daydream. If everyone was gonna hate her anyway might as well give them a reason to, be so fantastic everyone would wanna kill her or be her. She was Toni fuckin' Stark and she would be anything she wanted, her company her money her inventions. It wasn’t anyone else's choice this time. 

 

“Okay Pepper I need a haircut. We’ll also go clothes shopping. They will never know what hit them.” Toni stood up and walked to the bathroom grabbing scissors.

“Toni!” Pepper shouted as Toni cut a chunk of hair, “You know you can afford a hairdresser.”

“Of course I can it's not about that. My hair is way too long.”

“Not following.”

“See I cut it before when I went to college. But it's long now with all the bad stuff and Obie!”

“I am so lost.”

“It’s fine I’ve cut my own hair before,” Toni summarized.

 

Pepper was surprised by how not awful Toni’s hair looked. Toni walked into the kitchen she grabbed a juice. Both women stood in the kitchen staring past each other. Thoughts swimming so fast in their minds trying to work out what the other needed. 

 

“Are we friends?” Toni finally asked, “I mean I know I would be paying you to like me, but I mean I literally coded JARVIS to like me.”

“Ms Toni I will always protect you, even if I'm not sure I always like you,” JARVIS  quipped.

“Oh shut it!” Toni shot back

“Yes, Toni I think we are friends,” Pepper answered.

“Okay.”

 

Neither of them slept much that night. Toni couldn’t sleep didn’t want to either avoiding the nightmares she would definitely have. Pepper knew leaving someone alone who hours ago was suicidal was probably not the best plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was an emotional rollercoaster and really intense but it was a big step forward for Toni and we get some fighting back coming soon!
> 
> Please leave comments with your thoughts about everything. I love to here form all of you.
> 
> Plot/character arc relevant points:  
> -Obidiah stops the assault portion of his abuse  
> -Obidiah has decided he won't give Toni control of Stark industries  
> -Pepper is able to help talk Toni down countering her belife she is worthless  
> -Pepper is aware of the emotional abuse Obidiah does to Toni but not the Sexual  
> -Toni decides to not give in and fight to gain the CEO position of SI she was promised  
> -Toni cut her own hair back to the length it was around college after it had grown extremely long


	28. Best Laid Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: referenced past child abuse, referenced emotional abuse, implied alcohol abuse, descriptions of anxiety, descriptions of dissociation, implied sexual abuse, typical misogyny  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> 87-89

Toni and Pepper did shop, Toni bought insanely expensive business clothes that she stated were going to look like she could buy your company, and you’d thank her for the pleasure of looking at her ass. Then they created a presentation to give to the board visuals and everything complete with not only the designs but a plan to roll them out. 

 

The spell of peppers shampoo, the heat of overworked laptops and the grease from the bots all blurred together with graphs and chatter making time expand and condense all at once. 

 

Rhodey came through the door, he went to the workshop and saw Toni laying upside down staring at a holo model, Pepper was asleep on a stack of papers and Dum-E was rubbing her back with his manipulator arm.

 

“Ahh, we okay here?”

“Rhodey bear!” Toni jumped into his arms and they both stumbled backwards. 

“Wha?” Pepper said sitting up with a start earning worried chirps from a destabilized Dum-E causing U to chase his brother.

“What's going on?”

“We're a presentation for the Stark board of directors. It’s been hectic trying to get it done,” Toni gestured to the messy lab. Climbing up on the couch made Toni as tall as Rhodey to express her excitement. “I can do this. I have to do this, or I’ll never be worth it.”

“Did I miss something?” Rhodey looked past Toni to Pepper.

“Obie is worried that I won’t do well at the helm. Pepper is helping me show them I can do it, and that I can do it better than them in heels.”

“You can do better than they can,” A sleepy Pepper said, “well at least with some backup.”

“When is the last time you two got real sleep? Either of you?” Rhodey asked.

“No idea.” Toni shrugged, “not that bad though I can still stand and see at the same time.

“This has been more all-nighters than college,” Pepper grumbled tossing an empty cup at Toin’s head. 

“Let’s go relax then?” Rhodey said

 

They trudged up the stairs tony hit the couch with a soft grunt. Rhodey joined her wrapping Toni in his arms.  The warmth of Rhodey’s hug released the tension in her body, though her head still banged. The rustle of a bag of food could be heard and she smelled take out. Aww, Rhodey brought them food she pressed her forehead into him in recognition. She grumbled though when he moved to get his own. 

 

Toni felt somewhere between a cat and a little kid. But ina good way, not in the sheer panic and terror of like her actual childhood. Her eyes didn’t want to open, she could tell she was going to crash. Honestly, it was funny, she hadn’t felt anywhere close to being able to sleep till now. Her Rhodey bear was just like that, made her feel safe when she didn’t think she could. 

 

“I’m going to bed,” Toni stood up blearily wandering to her bed. The energy that pushed her for days truly dissipating with every step.  Inky black sleep swallowed her whole as she crashed on her bed 

 

Rhody glanced at the exhausted Pepper flopped on the couch.

“She’s can be like the freaking energizer bunny,” Rhodey said sliding next to Pepper.

“If the Energizer bunny almost threw itself off the balcony a week ago.”

“Jesus what?” Rhodes shouted.

“I recommend you lower your voice. MS Toni will do good with some sleep, as Ms Potts ought to soon,” JARVIS reprimanded.

“She was that bad?”

“Something happened with Stane. That’s why we’ve been making war plans Toni doesn’t want to give up the company.” Pepper explained rubbing her eyes.

“That’s fair, bastard deserves war on his doorstep”

“The problem is something is wrong. I can tell this isn’t normal excited energy it’s anxiety and fear. I don’t like it much.” Pepper explained.

“But what got her to the point of wanting to die?” Rhodey pushed, “What did you see J?”

“I can not give details of what transpired. I can tell you the situation was significantly distressing, he was rude and rejected Ms Toni. He played on fears and insecurities she has had since childhood”

“I really don’t like that man,” Pepper grumbled.

“I’m gonna lay with her in the room then, keep her safe. Thank you, Pepper, I’m glad we didn’t lose her. You to J”

“I will always protector Toni, she is my mother and it is my job.”

“Good boy.” Rhodey glanced at the ceiling with a small wave of his hand. 

 

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni’s birthday was a soulless event. Toni didn’t care she could legally drink now, all she wanted to do was eat popcorn curled into Rhodey while they watched movies. Everything would be different starting the next day one day of peace seemed owed. She had been so erratic the past week she hadn’t slept much shaking with anxiety. Flashes of being overloud and running hot to pepper made her feel ill, accompanied by her normal moment of not being present. It all made her think of her mother. 

 

Maria tried but she had caused so much pain and been through so much herself. Maria Stark was a million broken pieces held together with expensive clothes, charity work and hairspray.  Toni didn’t think she was ever really happy in all of Toni’s childhood. Maybe Starks never got to be happy. 

 

Toni watched them all, people she didn’t really know or care about. The champagne was tasteless and the music slid into a cacophony of just noise. Toni pressed her fingers against the twin hearts on her chest. She could do this, Toni was great at playing the part and lying. At least she had people in her corner. A noise between a laugh and cry escaped her lips. 

 

Before she had a time to decide what it was Rhodey was holding her tight like she might fall apart in his arms. They hadn’t left her alone at all watching her every move. But she supposed it was a reasonable fear.

“How you feel baby girl, twenty-one?” He said into her ear. 

“Strange like I didn’t really think I’d live this long, but I’ve also spent my whole life waiting for this, to be the reigning Stark.”

“You’ve always been the queen bee kid. One of a kind.”

“If there a knight bee? Because that would be you, or better yet the royal adviser. They don’t get stabbed.”

Rhodey guffawed and brushed his hand through Toni’s hair. One of his kid sisters’s all grown up. Seven years god it had been a mess, but he wouldn’t trade any of it.

 

Toni and Rhodey fell asleep on the couch that night. He said he just didn’t want to catch a night plane, but Toni knew he was scared she would hurt herself again. Well, that wasn’t her plan tonight. But his presence was still the only birthday present she wanted. 

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni woke up the next day and stood in front of her closet with her hands on her hips. Her and Pepper are about to attempt a hostile reclaiming so of course, she had to put on her best armour. All of the best kit had to be acquired, form-fitting clothes, shiny black blazer, jewellery more expensive than multiple cars, blood-red lipstick and of course her aviator sunglasses. 

 

Pepper also had on her most intimidating clothes and expression.

“Ready to show some overpowered men where they can shove it?” Toni said as they slide into the car.

“Oh I’m always ready for that Toni you know that”

“It’s why I hired you.”

 

Toni walked through the halls ignoring anyone trying to speak to her. Walking past like she owned the place which in all fairness she did. Toni breathed deeply and stepped into the board room.

 

“You know I’m rather offended I didn’t get an invite to this little event. Considering I did check and you haven’t actually kicked me out yet.”

“Oh Ah, Ms Stark, we didn’t know you were still interested.” Faceless personality lacking rich man number one cut in. 

 

“Oh, I’m very interested, always has been. I mean you do realise this has always been mine since my blessed mother birthed me and the doctor gave me into Howard’s bastard hands. SI is the only thing he left me that I think he meant to. Look I’m not well behaved or particularly professional but I am not a child. I know what’s going on here,” Toni’s icy but honest tone caught the men off guard, probably had never called Howard a bastard so officially.

“My lovely Pepper has some files for you.”

 

They were handed out they all flipped through facial expressions turning from annoyed to interested.

 

“As you can see I have quite a few new product ideas already proofed can go into manufacturing some of them as early today. I also have drawn with the help of my personal team plans to stagger the release of new ideas and upgrades to old products. It will keep the clients begging for more and of course we can oblige we’ve been planning it. Not to mention everything in that book is my idea and I would love some credit. Some of you are old enough to remember my first inventions, I mean did you really think Howard would put Captain America stickers on a model gun? No, you have all been using my ideas for over a decade so I recommend rethinking the idea I know nothing.”

 

“All of this can be accomplished this fiscal year?” Unimportant goon number two cut in his only defining feature was a bow tie.

 

“Oh, Mr bow tie. These plans will double income in the short term but I have a vision of domination. Everything will have my name plastered on its side in this godforsaken country, hell this planet.”

“My name is...”

“Yeah I don’t care, any important things to say?:

They all glanced around at each other and shook their heads.

“So I think I will be getting invites in the future? Because I think a CEO should be involved in the rollout, least of all since they are my designs.”

“You will get invites I believe.” Useless man number three said cleaning off his glasses.

 

The assembled men nodded. Obediah stood up and took a step towards her, she turned and looked at him. A murderous look covered Obie's face, most days she would sink into a puddle of sobbing jelly with that look. But this time she stood strong, she would not back down. Toni held his gaze, cocked her head to the side and smiled. Obie flinched first, sitting in his chair fixing his suit jacket looking away from her. 

 

Toni looked back at the rest of them, they all looked just a shade paler than before Obidah stood up. “Pleasure to meet you all, though not really, if you want my attention call Pepper. Things are about to get better, well at least more fun.”

 

She slid her sunglasses back up and gave them a look she hoped they all read as I can and would rip your throat with my bare hands and left. Pepper followed her out after giving the men her direct line. Toni made her way to the bathroom where she slid down the wall shaking.

 

“That was something else.” Pepper murmured closing the bathroom door and locking it. 

“I think I made an impression.” Toni laughed watching the air around her vibrate

“I would believe that.”

Pepper’s phone started buzzing loudly.

“Toni Stark's office, Ms Potts speaking.”

Toni watched the room wave in and out of focus while Pepper talked on the phone.

“Alright Ms Stark you have four magazine shoots and five interviews lined up, and a lot of people eagerly awaiting your unveiling of next-gen, I think I went with body armour?”

“Yeah. Guess all those men liked my ideas and wanted to be the person who gave the scoop, not that they would ever admit they like them. Like em, likem, that’s a weird phrase if you say it lots”

“So between here and Time magazine you need to come back to reality.”

“But the air is shiny and I’m floaty. I didn’t even take anything!”

“I know, I know but you have to be able to comprehend all speech.”

“No fun.”

 

Toni did just that. She remained cool enough in the interviews she didn’t call Howard a bastard as she had before, he was a visionary of course and a mastermind. Toni posed for the shoot with all her best clothes it was interesting to have people ask to take pictures. A flurry of days like this passed, and now she has a new layer to her image. 

 

The headlines called her the youngest CEO of a fortune five hundred company. She was the Queen of Business. Every time she was photographed launching of her new product lines stock jumped and they were quickly solidifying a monopoly of military purchases. Article after article said she took after her father in at least one way, and some people admitted she really was smart, serious news took looks at her actual ideas. 

 

Toni was happy to finally be in control of something, the world wasn't turning around her anymore, she was the one making it turn. For once she called the shots. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we got some Toni standing up for herself!!! She's not like better of course, but I liked writing her standing up to Obie.
> 
> Rhodey is top Bro! Good Bro!
> 
> We're like almost at the actual IM1 plotline?


	29. Calling The Shots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Misogynistic slurs/language, Alchohol abuse/alcoholism, Self-Harm, Past child sexual abuse, Past child abuse, Past domestic violence, sexual harassment, referenced to war/murder
> 
> Playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 90-91

Toni noticed as she read some reports that the glass of whisky next to her had gone back to never empty. It had been a slow kind of slide and wasn’t used as much of crutch as it used to be. Now it was just habit. Powerful men drank and stunk of cigars, she hated smoking but to do neither would highlight that she was young. Paradoxically refusing the drink would highlit she had a problem, drinking slowly was the only option. Her long and volatile history of drinking gave her enough practice to avoid drinking to blackout level. Smelling like booze and smoke like all the godforsaken members of the oligarchy ensure she didn't stand out.

 Her mega tolerance and the newfound ability of moderation left her the sharpest in the room. But it had become such a habit that she rarely didn’t have a drink. It ended up that in all honesty, she was as reliant on it as ever. But she guessed this is where the term 'functional alcoholic' came from. She'd been thinking she was her mother not long ago but now she was Howard. Sharp tongue, stinking, hanging with underhanded men, all hard edges spending too much time staring at numbers and bombs. 

By the end of the year, profits had tripled as Toni had predicted. Now, most of her appearances being shot from a lower angle even the cameraman knew she was on top. The others shot her head on capturing Toni’s ice-cold stare, no one fuck with me written across her face. It was noted Toni always had sleeves, but no one actually knew why except JARVIS and well Obie. Pepper and Rhodey aren't dumb and had seen her arms and shoulders so they essential knew having seen the scars from scalding showers and digging her nails into her own flesh. 

It didn’t help that in one of her more incoherent post flashbacks hazes she had decided steel wool would get rid of the feeling of putrefaction, which no it didn’t. None of it actually helped, but she didn't know how to stop. 

There was a shift in coverage after one of SI's weapons was used in an attack that killed school kids. Which to Toni didn’t mean much she knew what collateral damage as it was the price of power, Howard had said that. Younger more naive Toni hadn't understood, she did now. It was so easy to just swallow any thoughts about morality. People died but it was just how the business worked. 

 They just built the best the government did what they wanted. She wasn't in charge of where they were deployed. But now Toni was ‘The Queen of death.’ Toni kind of liked the title she was not a queen of death, no she was The Queen of death, singular. Also, she had a kind of tongue and cheek photo on a thrown. Pepper didn’t like that it was kind of bad PR but where was the fun in behaving anyway? They were gonna hate her no matter what.

Toni was enjoying SI riding a wave of success even being sent a letter by the outgoing president thanking her for the company’s aid during “our time of crisis” Toni had thrown it in the garbage. Frankly, she didn’t care about American pride. The ideology was secondary they gave the weapons to the US, they did what they wanted. Toni mostly just liked building things, she liked being in control. No one touched her without her saying so, so pretty much no one did. Toni was untouchable by virtue of she was good at the heartless bitch. She'd been called that before but this time she actually earned the reputation. 

Another thing people liked to talk about was her slut status, how much and with whom she had sex. Toni knew it was true, it wasn't fun that people thought it was their business, but it was true. She had always been one it was what she was good for in the end. It was different than before now she was left empty by sex instead of a mess on the floor so that was...something.

Pepper spent a good chunk of her time exasperated and having to give NDA’s to random men and women with some eggs. Also constantly reminding Toni of things she was meant to be doing that wasn’t writing code for her newest bot called Butter Fingers, he was less impressive than JARVIS but Toni explained that when U and Dum-E wanted a little brother and that was annoyingly sweet. 

Pepper could only sigh it was the kind of thing Pepper assumed Toni probably needed. Considering she had become so cynical if she could still look at funny metal robots with names written in sharpie and care about their feelings maybe her heart hadn’t been ripped out along with her ability to show genuine emotion. It was also the time she was the most human talking to the people who weren't human. She teased them but let them touch her kindly and was affectionate back. She wasn't like that with people at all. She joked or whatever but it was empty in a way that was unnerving. 

 

Toni was in her lab when Pepper came in handing her all these sheets of paper with numbers and things about money or something. Toni breathed out harshly. She downed the rest of the drink and got a slightly annoyed face from Pepper. Toni just ignored it. 

"Toni!"

"What?" Toni said turning to face Pepper.

"You spilt stuff all over the papers."

"You could email them to me. It's the 21st century."

"You would never open them!"

"I'd get to it eventually," Toni said standing to walk to the mini-fridge to get some water. The stress of Pepper coming in gave her made her mouth run dry and hands feel sweaty.

"You can't keep doing this shit, Toni."

"what shit!" Toni shouted.

"All of this. I care about you, and I get that you've been trying and SI is going pretty well but if keep like this you won't be able to do that anymore. Hiding in your basement drowning in alcohol and shouting at the only people who give a fuck about you makes life harder."

"Well, that's what I hired you to do," Toni said.

"You didn't hire me to shout at."

Pepper stalked away. Toni sighed sliding onto the cold floor laying her head on her knees. 

The fourth big thing the media had decided to call Toni was heartless. It really caught on after a particularly bad non-interview interview, the kind when people yell things at her while she walks. She hadn’t slept at all the previous night and had spent most of the morning in la-la land and had been yelled at by Obie, which has definitely not caused a panic attack and she had not had to put gauze on her arm after she had torn scabs off. So as she walked out a stream of reports ran up to her she had gone numb nothing they said mattered she just wanted to sleep.

 

“Are you aware stark brand bombs were dropped in civilian neighbourhoods in Sokovia?” One said

“Did you know the weapons ended up with terrorists?” another said

“Have you read the casualty numbers?” a third jumped in.

Toni turned to the reporters, “No I didn’t mean to give weapons to terrorists, I’ll make sure they don’t get there anymore. but I don’t even know where Sokovia is and I don’t have time to read any of you fucking articles of death counts they are never accurate my bombs can kill way more people if they are used right. I don't care!”

That had been a PR nightmare and people seemed to really hate her after that.

 

“Toni you know you don’t have to say everything you think out loud,” Pepper said.

“Yeah, I know,” Toni said muffled by the wrench in her mouth butterfingers physical form almost finished.

“You could have left it at ‘we don’t want to arm terrorists.’”

“But I don’t care Pepper. I didn’t shoot the kids.” Toni sighed butterfingers was done, now all she had to do was boot him up. 

“Toni,” Pepper said in a disapproving tone.

“Look maybe they’re right. I don’t have a heart or soul or whatever they are saying this time. I do build bombs, and I do sleep around, I am a jerk. I don’t care if both CNN and Fox hates me, ” Toni said then butterfingers started to chirp. Toni felt that rush of pride as Dum-E and U came to fuss over their new brother. 

“This is your brother. He is gonna live here with you guys, just like you wanted.”

Fido barked running around the three other bots.

“They all appreciate you giving them, well us, more family,” JARVIS said sounding pleased.

“I’m glad.” Toni fell back her knees tucked to her chest on the couch, she smiled without thinking the Bots were cute.

 

Toni heard Pepper sigh, looking amused and maybe a little sad. Toni bit her lip, part of her wished she could trust Pepper. But it was easy to shut them out, she wouldn’t let them be more Stark branded collateral damage. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni had finished the Jericho and was waiting for the PR team to decide how to show it off. She was spinning in her chair gnawing on a pencil. Her heart was banging in her chest, and it had nothing to do with possibly going to a war zone. It was the fact that Happy had the day off and she was alone with strange men and Obie. It didn’t seem to manage how much she tried to kill all the feeling she couldn’t shake the fact she always wanted to run and/or vomit when people touched her, got to close, handed her things, called her beautiful, hit on her and pretty much most social interaction that wasn’t nodding to her or signing a paper. 

Toni even managed, well Pepper really got all-female prep teams. Toni was aware it was stupid but it was impossible for her to smell old man cologne and cigars without feeling imaginary hands. Also because if she didn’t have a script in mind she always seemed to fall back to a frightened child who would do anything for someone to just look at her. She hated being that girl. 

Of course, her luck meant most of them left leaving Toni with Obie sitting on the table looking at her.

“So you’re going to Afghanistan. It's a big job is to show Jericho off to all the brass.”

“Lovely,” Toni muttered.

“You really like ignoring me huh? Stopped giving you what you wanted now I’m not worth your time.”

“You don’t love me,” Toni said. That stuff he said still stung every day.

“Of course I do beautiful girl.” He held her face in his hand. “We just had to move on, and I have to say I am impressed with your work here.”

“Really?” Toni said a rush of pride ran through her, even though she wished she didn’t

“Yeah. Though I do wish you involved me more.”

“Sorry Obie,” Toni muttered looking at anything but his smug face. of course, he wanted the credit, reputation beat out Toni every time. 

“No matter. Do visit when you get Home?”

“Of course. 'I love you,'” Toni said. She did love him, never stopped. For god knows what reason, she wanted his approval. He hurt her so much, but she didn’t know how to just hate him and move on. 

He nodded, leaving her alone to stare at the map with its tiny red dots telling her the next destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We caught up with canon! We're getting to the actual iron man stuff now so that's exciting!
> 
> Just saying the back and forth with how you view abusers are like super common. Also, the media is the worst.


	30. Getting Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Alcohol abuse, torture, graphic but basically canon typical violence, panic attacks
> 
> Playlist link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Song Numbers:  
> 92-95

Toni sat in a bunker staring into space. Nursing a whisky in her hand she watched military guys, some even younger than her, chatting. They joked something was almost wrong thinking about these people being shot at. The beating sun and depressing futures made her head hurt.

 

Toni dug in her purse for a pill bottle and dumped a few painkillers in her hand, washed it down earning her a quizzical look from one of the soldiers. 

“Oh, you want some?” She said with a wry smile. They didn’t see her one hand shaking in her pocket her eyes red rims obscured by sunglasses. Hopefully, they couldn't tell that she was only half staying together. Never let them see you break right?

 

“We’re on duty.” One of them answered.

“Corrupting the youth?” Rhodey called

“Rhodey!” Toni grinned as her best friend walked towards her wrapping her up in his tight grip Toni’s hand ceased it’s vibrations as she felt his heartbeat. 

“I promise the men know better than to be influenced by me. They're such good little soldiers,” Toni said giving the men a half genuine smile.

“Don’t mind her.” Rhodey rolled his eyes. 

“No fun!” Toni pouted

 

Rhodey guided her away from the group far enough that nobody could hear them. 

“You are about to do a weapons demo and you think now is a good time to do that?” Rhodey he gestured at the now empty glass.

“I don’t care anymore. Everything hurts all the time.” Toni whined not meeting his disappointed gaze. 

“Just, ugh, I need you to be safe. We aren't on vacation. Shit could go bad out here fast. Behave, and be careful. ” Rhodey’s voice was tired and she didn't even need to see to know he was running his hand on his chin and shaking his head. 

 

The crowd of fancily dressed men milled about as the grunt soldiers positioned everything. Toni attempted to pretend to listen to the endless goons but she couldn’t suppress a large sigh and eye roll people seemed to be able to sense behind the shades.

 

“Are we boring you?”

“Yeah, you don't even know what you're talking about. Leave the science to the professionals all you need to know is it makes a really big boom. That’s your level of comprehension right, “‘big boom’,” Toni drawled.

“Ms Stark I can assure you we understand our material better than you do.”

“You fucking bet? Explain how the Jericho works I dare you? But you can’t because you're all only good at two things, cheating on your wives and getting bought off!”

“Excuse us,” Rhodey said pulling Toni away from the fuming generals.

 

“What do you want?” Toni muttered.

“What are you doing? Trying to get SI in trouble, not to mention me! Your liaison!” Rhodey said exasperatedly

“It’s fine I made the biggest missile they like that. Why should they care if I’m an asshole? It keeps them from bothering me anyway, being a jerk is the best way to get people to leave me alone!”

“Why do you want to be alone? If you keep being such an ass you're not going to have anyone. I’ve been cleaning you up since you were fourteen, but you're an adult now act like it!”

“Well, maybe I should grow up. But how would you even know if I have been? Where exactly have you been recently? Anywhere but with me! I’m not sure you have the right to tell me what to do anymore."

"Someone has to apparently!"

"You’re not my father!”

“I’m the only family you have. The only person in your world who actually chooses to talk to you.”

“Screw you Rhodey.” Toni hissed stalking away swallowing back the bile and tears threatening to spill from her. 

 

The explosion was impressive as fuck. All the military brass smiled. She focused on the pretty fire blocking Rhodey’s words from her mind. Blocking everything from her mind.

 

Toni got in a Humvee feeling distinctly underwhelmed by the whole event. She liked big explosions and she had worked a long time on Jericho but now in this cramped car with over-excited soldiers all she wanted was sleep.

 

“Can I have a photo?” One of the guys cut into Toni’s myopic misery.

“Sure why not?” Toni said

“You think we’ll get to leave anytime soon?” One asked.

“We’re leaving now right?” Toni said looking out the window.

“Well yeah. But I mean leave the war.”

“I mean your tour will run out. Of course, it would be nice, but have you ever been with politicians? War is good for them, hell good for me and all the people like me.” Toni explained to the horror of the younger soldier and harsh stares of the other older one’s eyes attempting to penetrate her sunglasses, but he couldn’t.

 

The Humvee slammed into something jostling the people inside. One man jumped out, “Let’s see what wrong.” He sighed

Then before Toni could process everything an overwhelming bang shook her body overloading her brain dust and fire surrounded them and life went black.

 

##  ~~~~~

 

Toni woke up...up somewhere, where was she? She struggled to sit up when she felt a hand grab her arms. Toni screamed and a hand slammed over her mouth she struggled when a concerned face hovered over hers.

“Ms Stark don’t scream they’ll come back faster.” the dishevelled middle eastern man said. 

 

Toni nodded looking around she was in a cave no one would hear her somewhere like this. Toni took a long breath when the hand let up.

“I’m Yinsen. You were in an explosion, and then well kidnapped.”

Toni struggled to sit up and her whole body felt on fire she placed her hand on her chest feeling some kind of metal shoved into it 

“What is this?” Toni said panic running through her trying to get a grip on the object.

“There is shrapnel in your heart. I built that to stop it from moving all the way in. It’s an electromagnet so you don’t...don’t die.”

“Well fuck this is just amazing,” Toni grumbled her asinine tone betrayed by the gasping breaths she struggled to take.

A group of men came in. All dressed in mismatched camo with guns hanging off as many places as possible.

“Toni stark, I am Raza. I have you here for a purpose. That lovely missal you showed off, I and my associates would greatly enjoy one of our own.” Raza said stepping one foot on a rock to further tower over the two captives,

“Why would I do that?” Toni hissed.

Toni felt a hand slammed into her head. She grimaced but continued to stare them in the face. Never let them see you cry.

 

“Because if you don’t you’ll regret it and if you do I let you go.”

“You think I’m scared to die?.” Toni laughed.

“There are things much worse than just killing you.”

Toni’s breathing hurt and she felt her nerves on fire. She supposed that was the electric metal buzzing in her chest and not her normal level of freak out.

 

Raza and his men left. Toni looked around the room it was filled with building materials, nothing like her lab. Her Bots weren’t there and it was truly messy not her controlled chaos. She walked the cave looking at the materials given and watching for ways out.

“He won’t let you go if you build it.” Yinsen sighed

“I know that,” Toni muttered.

 

Toni unwilling fell asleep not much latter so tired she didn't even dream. But she was torn from the blackness when she was yanked upright.

 

Toni yelped and was face to face with a grinning man who strapped to a board struggling did nothing to free her from his tight grasp. Her lifesaving magnet weighed her down latching her to a huge battery.

 

Then the water ran her lungs stung she hoped she would just die now. But Toni never has that luck why would it start now? Instead, the flow of icy water never seemed to let up she just kept feeling it. Eventually, the straps were unlatched and she collapsed on the cold stone. 

 

“Will you build it yet?” Raza’s voice rang out.

“No,” Toni gasped shaking

“Pity.” He muttered.

Steps echoed through the cave as the men left.

 

To Toni’s surprise, Yinsen helped her up and sat next to her while her brain caught up with reality and she could breathe. He laid a scratchy blanket across her shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” He sighed.

“Why are you sorry? You seem as fucked by this lame ass super villain crew as I am.”

“Ten rings.”

“What?”

“That’s who has us. They're terrorists”

“Nice to know who's trying to kill me.” Toni said, “Do you know what they have? Weapons wise I mean.”

“IEDs, grenades, various other explosives, lots of guns of multiple kinds, tear gas.” Yinsen listed off.

“So shooting our way out would be hard.” Toni surmised.

“What are you talking about?”

“I want to die as much as the next depressed socialite but I don’t want to die here, not like this.”

“You can’t build it. They hurt innocent people.”

“I’m not going to give it to them.”

 

Much to Toni’s surprise, they were given food, but she guessed for most people starving wasn’t conducive to genius. Them doing it reinforced they really wanted this thing built more than Toni dead. Which was good to know.

 

Toni and Yinsen ate mostly in silence. She couldn’t forget that she was tied down by a goddamn battery wondering how fast it was going to give out. The haunted look on her cell mate's face clawed away at her ability to check out like she normally did. Instead, they just soaked up the suffocating bleakness together.

 

The next day Ten Rings waterboarded her more and a good round of punching too. And the next day. And for some more days. The constant onslaught from her captors was made even worse by the fact there was some lovely co-current withdrawal happening. She was always cold, clammy, shaking and covered in a mix of water and slick sweat.

 

Toni curled up on the floor after a brutal session she found her mind drifting to Pepper, Happy, Obie, Rhodey and her boys. She missed them so much. At least JARVIS and the Bots would miss her, hopefully, Rhodey too if he was alive. God, she couldn't think that he had to be alive.

Almost as if Yinzen could read her mind he cut into her thoughts, “Do you have a family?”

“I...I don’t know,” Toni answered. Was Rhodey alive? If he was would he even consider himself family anymore? And every other person she paid or paid in sex or were robots.

“How do you not know?”

 

Toni rolled over on to her back staring at the slowly swaying light bulb giving off a sickly yellow glow. “I just like to be alone.”

“You’re lying Ms stark. No one really likes to be alone.”

“Yeah,” Toni admitted, “What about you?”

“Yes, a large one. Gulmira, my village, it’s full of my family. It’s my home, but I doubt I'll ever see it again.”

“Tell me about them,” Toni asked as she moved over next to him. 

"Okay," Yinsen said a wistful look coming over him. 

 

Toni wrapped the blanket around both of them. She wanted to comfort him but she didn't know how. He told stories about his family. The flickering lights of the cave and the father talk gave her a flash of memory. The abandoned arc reactor, Toni knew something like that could power the shrapnel protection then she would no longer be weighed down, literally, and could power something better something to get her out of here.

 

So the next day when Razz came in Toni cut him off before his morning spiel.

“I’ll build it for you,” Toni said

“You’ve had enough?”

“Yes.”

When they left Toni started to build her brain working fast as she gathered what she would need.

“What are you thinking?”

“I am getting us out of here, on my terms. You with me?”

“I have no other options.”

“Atta boy. I’ll get us out. You home to your family. Me, well get me anywhere but here.”

 

Building the Arc Reactor was a good way to keep her mind from eating her alive. Ten Rings also seemed, for who knows what reason, to think taking time to torture her would make her work faster. Which it didn’t, she had started blanking out the attacks and that made work harder.

 

While working on the weapons and shielding she needed to get out she remembered Peggy, how as a little girl Toni had always wondered why she was impervious to harm. Toni had tried to do that with sunglasses and anger, but now she needed armour the best fucking armour she could manage with these scraps. Never let them in, never let them see you break. Now they never would.

 

It was done and now came the part she was not excited about Yinsen would have to help her stick the tiny glowing disk into a gaping hole in her chest above her heart. Even if she lacked the metaphorical one the physical one was very real and the idea of heart surgery awake in a cave was not something she wanted to do.

 

“This will hurt,” Yinsen said kneeling over Toni.

“I know,” Toni said giving him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Close your eyes,” Yinsen said in a soft voice.

“Okay.”

Toni bit her lip till it bled mixing with the tears sliding from her eyes squeezed shut. Doing all she could to hold back her own scream. Fingers, metal, heat scratched at her chest. It was a special kind of painfully disconcerting someone touching your vital organs. When it was done she opened her eyes, the reactor had lit up the cave with an eerie blue light. 

“I’ll make a distraction for you.”

“What? You have to come with me, you have people who need you,” Toni said getting to her feet.

“We’ll see.”

He looked behind him and passed Toni her locket. Toni held the cold metal meeting his eyes for a long second.

“You have a whole life do something with it, go home, make a difference, don’t waste it.”

 

Toni ignored the fear and grief engulfed as she put on the armour. she would never be able to describe exactly what happened next. For the first time, she had to watch the flesh burn, hear the screams, watch the destruction by her own creations. Almost out she saw Yinsen drowning in his own blood white rage ran through her.

The dying man looked at the armoured Toni all she could make out was “Run.” 

 

Toni couldn’t hold it in after his chest stopped moving, so she screamed bloody murder and burned everything. The cave shook with the force of explosions. In front of her was a devastated village she was sure her captors had destroyed, most likely with weapons plastered with the name Stark.

 

She walked for what felt like forever in the desert she didn’t know where people would be, wasn’t sure she cared. If she died, at least it was on her terms and she took those bastards with her. Life seemed fair for a moment when a hallucination of Rhodey coming from a helicopter swam into view.

 

“Baby Girl” Was all he got out before Toni fell into his arms her body consumed by the feeling of Rhodey even if it was in her head, dying in his arms was more than she hoped for.

 

##  ~~~~~

When Toni woke next she was in a sterile looking room noticing her arms were held down by straps. God, why did everyone always do this? She didn’t want to die like this, wanted to move. Yanking and pulling so hard bruises formed on her wrists her, the iv needle moved in her arm hurting like fuck and the cannula under her nose fell out. She must have gotten some water because she was actually producing tears as she kicked against the bed breaking down completely when Rhodey rushed in. 

 

“Oh god.” He muttered undoing the straps hugging the shaking Toni tight.

 

A doctor came in alerted by the screaming heart monitor.

Toni was surprised to see Okoye walk in behind him looking furious.

“What were you thinking, tying down a trauma victim?” Rhodey shouted.

“Rhodey where am I?” Toni got out when she was finally capable of forming sounds coherently.

“A military hospital. “ He said running his hand through her grease coated hair.

“You came for me?” Toni said.

“Of course I did.”

“You’re not dead.”

“I’m not gonna die on you, as long as you don’t die on me got it?”

Toni nodded weakly.

“The Dora helped me out. Gotta send Wakanda a nice gift basket when we get back.”

“We don’t want any gift basket!” Okeyo sounded extremely offended, “We helped save Toni because we  are sworn to protect Wakanda and the royal family.”

“Nice,” Toni said deciding they must have given her something good as she started laughing even though she was in so much pain.

 

A week or so was spent in the military hospital but finally, she had them convinced to let her go home. She was also bid goodbye by the Dora who informed her she would be expected to let the Queen and Shuri know when she was safe.

 

“Did the Bots miss me?” Toni said curled into Rhodey’s side.

“Absolutely JARVIS was pretty frantic not being able to find you made him feel powerless, god I did too they hid you good kid. The boys were nearly inconsolable never thought I’d miss motor oil coffee.” 

Toni let out a small laugh watching the clouds roll by.

“Pepper and Happy too, they missed. “

“Thought they would be glad, not have to deal with me.”

“If you tell them that pretty sure Pepper would slap you.”

“Why?”

“They're your family dumbass.”

 

Toni just hugged Rhodey closer after that, she knew it wouldn’t be calm when she home. She felt like floating, her brain disconnected but soon she hoped she would be flying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we really got to canon now  
> This might feel a bit rushed, but I think it was still good? Let me know
> 
> LEAVE COMMENTS PLEASE!!!


	31. Floating or Flying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: dissociation, flashbacks, panic attacks, past torture, referenced child sexual abuse, minor self-harm 
> 
> Playlist Link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT  
> Songs:  
> 96-99

Getting off the plane she saw Happy and Pepper waiting for her. Toni felt a genuine smile spread across her face. She was shocked when she received two hugs. Even Happy may or may not have had tears in his eyes. 

 

“I want Chinese food” Toni declared as they sat in the car.

“That sounds reasonable,” Happy responded

“Why?” Pepper said along with Happy

“How long was I gone again?”

“Three months and fourteen days,” Pepper said.

“I haven’t had real food in three months and fourteen-ish days. And I would like some.”

“We can make that happen.” Happy said

“Well, I get that. But why Chinese food?”   
“It’s what Rhodey always got for me in college,” Toni answered looking up at Rhodey who squeezed her shoulder. “Then Pepper call a press conference.”

“Shouldn’t you go talk to the doctor and get settled at your house before you do that?” Pepper asked 

“No, absolutely not. I have to do this now.” Toni said, looking into Pepper’s face keeping a level expression, Toni was not what you would call stable but this, this was real. She needed this to happen now, or it would eat at her every moment. 

“Okay, Toni.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni took a deep breath hearing the press, she, of course, knew what she was doing but all the people were a bit overwhelming. Having been in a cave with one man for company and then an isolation unit of a military hospital made regular life well Toni Stark life, really hard to adjust back to. Not that it was really a plan, all she wanted was her bots and to remake her armour, but this had to happen first. Doing something good with the armour couldn't be done without this first. 

 

Toni loved her armour even if it was born of desperation. She couldn’t do anything anymore couldn’t just keep burning down the world because she could, because Obie told her, because her dad did. It was her choice, she had to make the right decision now.

 

After a deep breath, she strolled out onto the stage, wearing her old school armour. Glad she had as the camera flashes were already too strong couldn’t imagine going in without any protection.

 

“Hello. I have a very simple message. I’m not dead so jot that down that's exciting. But more importantly, Stark industries effective immediately will not manufacture or sell weapons. All contracts concerning the sale of weapons will be terminated or adjusted to focus on other products. I will not take questions, thank you.” Toni turned on her heel and walked off the stage ignoring the screaming behind her. 

 

She felt like she was going to break down when she saw Obie in the wings staring at her like she had three heads and he wanted to tear them all off next to Pepper who looked like she might faint. 

 

“What are you thinking!” Obie said backing her against a wall.

“I can’t do that anymore Obie. You didn’t, you didn’t see it. All the death and all the fire and destruction. It was all our fault. My weapons killing children. I can’t do that, I don’t want to do that to people.” Toni explained her heart chest banging against the metal between it and the outside world

 

“Toni that is our business. I know you're like your father, he would go through phases where he’d want to do other things, but have you noticed what made us all our money?”

“I doubled our income in a year I can make it work,” Toni said pleading eyes locking on the ice-cold ones staring down at her.

“Okay, okay I understand. You’re right you and me we can make anything work right? It’s been you and me for a while now.”

 

As he talked expression morphed from threatening to tired and patronizing. His hand that had been trying to bend the concrete dropped to her shoulders. 

 

“I have a suggestion. I’ll do what I can make it work, but I think you should spend some time at home. Play with your robots, sleep and heal. I'll take care of it, I always make it work right?.”

“Okay. Okay.” Toni nodded her head. She was then brought into a hug the hurt her way more than it comforted. 

  
  


Toni walked inside her home and was immediately surrounded by three chirping bots and an over-excited robodog. They all placed their metal hands on her like a hug. Toni knelt on the floor body shaking with relief and exhaustion. The plastic and metal reminded her she had really come home more than beaches or American flags. 

 

“You scared them greatly,” JARVIS informed her.

“I’m sorry boys, sorry J, mama’s home now, I’m home.”

“I tried, I did to find you,” JARVIS said sounding as guilty and sad as robotic British AI could, “I looked but even with the help from Wakanda I couldn’t find you.”

“I know J. I know.” Toni reassured as tears slid from her eyes. 

 

Instead of unbearable pain making her cry it was the all-consuming exhaustion.  Pepper sat next to her wordlessly, Happy watched from the couch and Rhodey was making food in the kitchen. It was almost like any other day really but of course, it wasn’t, it could never be again. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni threw herself into making a Mark II. Life was mostly okay though her mind pretty much decided it wasn’t really around if her hands weren’t busy bending metal or writing code. It was like she would just stop existing if she stopped, or back in that cave. If she tried hard enough she could work well enough in a fog to not hurt, but not so disconnected she accidentally hurt herself. 

 

However one day this technique was interrupted. Pepper thought it would be an absolutely fantastic idea to make Toni shower. 

“Don’t drag me Pep. I’ve been doing perfectly fine.” Toni muttered as Pepper continued to lead her towards her bathroom.

“The doctor’s gave you the go-ahead Toni you can shower now it will be good.”

“I don’t like showers... or baths.” 

“Toni you shower like three times a day sometimes.”

 

Toni frowned that was true, but that had also been compulsive behaviour trying to get clean, she never felt clean. Still didn’t, but the visceral memory of watery suffocation was stronger so she just clawed at her skin when the dirty feeling tried to eat her alive. Leaving her with a new layer self-inflicted scars on her arms to match the new one painting her chest

 

“Hey, you in there?” Pepper said softly squeezing Toni’s hand.

“Hmm? Oh yeah sorry.” Toni mumbled.

“I know it’s painful. All of it I mean I am sorry. The doctors predicted pain and that it might make you tired. But come on please, it might help?”

 

Toni nodded, hopefully, she could just check out, go blank, not think, not remember. She got undressed, turned on the water and stared at the falling water Toni bit her lip and stepped inside.

 

The moment the water hit her face she started to panic. Everything hurt and the light seemed to darken. She turned back and forth looking for somewhere to get away to. Fumbling got the better of her and she fell sideways out of the tub, letting out a shout. 

 

Toni dragged her knees to her chest she couldn't breathe her lungs burned the feeling of hands on her hair and the straps holding her down. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Raza's voice rang through her mind and everything felt freezing and slid into this blur of the cave and something else. 

 

Pepper pushed into the bathroom after hearing a shout. Toni was shaking on the floor curled in on her side at the end of the shower curtain tied around her feet. Pepper sat don’t hesitantly.

 

“Toni. It’s okay your home.” Pepper said confusion and guilt ran through her.

Toni heard voices but couldn’t tell who was it. It all was just too much.

“It’s Pepper, you're in your bathroom. Your gonna be okay.” 

The voice was calm enough but her lungs still hurt the hands were too real the cave vivid. But Pepper couldn’t be there, she would get hurt, how did that happen?

“Toni come on you’ll be okay, I promise. Come back to me Toni, please?”

Toni tried to sit up her eyes trying to focus. It was the same words Rhodey used to say, and the original Jarvis. The familiar words helped bring her back and Pepper swam into view.

“Toni, what happened?”

“I don’t like the water Pep,” Toni said her voice quivering as she blinked her eyes trying to make Pepper clear.

“Okay well. We don’t have to shower right now.” Pepper said, hoping she sounded calm and not confused.

“They waterboarded me,” Toni whispered, she thought she owed Pepper some explanation as to why they were here. Soggy on the bathroom floor.

All Pepper could manage was a nod of recognition. Then she shut off the shower and gave Toni a towel. Toni was suddenly aware she was absolutely naked. Toni felt her face flushed wrapping the towel around her.

“You okay to get changed?”

“Course I am.”

Pepper nodded and left.

 

“Ms Toni, why did you not inform her of what happened before she put you in the shower?” JARVIS asked.

“I don’t know J. I mean I haven’t told them much. And I wasn’t clear-headed coming up here.”

“I will try and work on ways to achieve better hygiene without having to get your face wet?”

“God J I think I need a therapist,” Toni muttered getting dressed pain running through her pulling the shirt on. “Also why does that hurt like hell but I can weld no problem?”

“I would assume you are so focused on building Mark II you push through the pain. I also believe you have been dissociating.”

“I’ve been what now?” Toni asked, her last psychologist had thrown pills at her and moved on, so Toni had didn’t really know what was wrong with her.

 

“I am unsure if my info is correct. I support your idea of seeing a professional. Though I believe I will familiarize myself more with psychiatric information as to be of help. I will admit I have done so beforehand, though I did not inform you.”

“Keeping secrets?” Toni said laying on her bed

“The topic I was...gathering info on. It's one you do not seem to want to discuss.”

“The drinking?” Toni guessed.

“No, I looked at information on victims of childhood sexual abuse.”

Toni flinched, JARVIS was correct she did not like to talk about that. Because if she called it that it was wrong, and it couldn’t be wrong. 

“Yeah let’s not on that one kay?”

“One day Ms Toni.”

“Not yet. Also, I have seen a therapist before. After what happened with Stone before you were here. But I just didn’t go back after a bit.” Toni replied shrugging, “it should be exciting I have lots more bad memories to sort through. I bet I will be an even more ‘complex and interesting case’. The only time I’ve been called complex though I do get interesting a lot.”

“You are definitely interesting and complex Ms Toni. One of a kind.”

“Thanks, J. Tell Pepper I’m gonna sleep.”

“Yes, Ms Toni.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni started making a new reactor, she knew she ought to have a more stable one, even though it was still not “safe” to any medical standards, still poisons and dangerous, but it was better. More secure, more powerful. 

 

When Toni was about to turn it on she felt Dum-E hit her leg holding a fire extinguisher and was bemused by the other bots who had hidden behind the blast shield.

 

“Good boy, see you're my favourite Dum-E you’ll go down with the captain like a good first mate. Guess you are the oldest lived a long life.” Toni patted his head and turned it on. It worked, thank whatever higher power there might be. Replacing it in her chest was rather unpleasant, but necessary, even Dum-E Turned around for that.

 

Toni placed the previous one on a shelf, she wasn’t going to let anyone else have it, but she couldn’t throw it away. It was a monument to her life, and more than anything else a way to remember Yinsen, the man who had brought her back from the dead, who believed she could make a difference.

 

“Fuck Toni stop crying.” Toni wiped her nose. Butterfinger rushed up beside her hugging her legs causing Toni to trip back on the couch. Toni would guess U was chastising his little bro as it was clear to anyone that U’s tone was rather annoyed.

 

Well, probably not most people, Toni guessed normal people did not think a stupid robot's beeps could mean anything other then beeping. but her bot's meant the world to her, they were pure in a way she wasn't sure she ever had been. She guessed it was like how dog owners felt about dogs, more humane than the humans were. 

 

Toni did actually go to therapy, JARVIS was very proud of her. Toni had been honest, if not forthcoming. She had quickly also gotten a psychiatrist note and was prescribed medication, apparently scratching so much you make yourself bleed is 'self-injurious behaviour' which equated her to being immediately drugged but it was whatever. 

 

It was nice to have someone to talk about things without feeling guilty. And she did actually talk to her, telling her that medication was to make sure she didn't hurt herself but they had "much to work on"

 

Turns out JARVIS has also been right about what was going on with her, so two points to JARVIS. Dissociation, apparently it was a common thing for people with ‘trauma’ so at least she was somewhat normal in being abnormal.

##  ~~~~~

Toni was looking at the Mark II design with bated breath, it was done and amazing. The almost finished real armour was getting welded by some rather fancy automatic manipulator arms Toni had been perfecting to help with the larger projects. 

 

“Needs a paint job,” Toni commented.

“What are you thinking?”

“Red and gold.” Toni supplied, “Like a hot rod car.”

“Rather ostentatious don't you think?” JARVIS sarked.

“Well, this is my moment to shine. No better time to make a scene,”

The first time Toni had felt alive in who knows how long she had put on the Mark II. Standing on her balcony she gazed over the edge, this time when she thought it might feel like flying, she was excited for the feeling instead of oblivion at the end.

 

Flinging herself to the edge the armour engaged and she was flying really actually flying. Everything was amazing for once she didn’t feel a consuming emptiness and crushing weight she felt light. She didn’t want everything to end, instead, she hoped this was only the start of something. Toni looped and divide her smile involuntary and true.

 

“I take it your invention is proving sufficient?” JARVIS asked.

“Yeah, I mean fuck yeah.” Toni laughed.

“I am glad.”

“This changes everything,” Toni said taking a moment to revel at the feeling of freedom that engulfed her.

Toni took a breath and started to fly up. The neverending upward track making her giddy, she was above all of it. The stupid California coastline with the drab peoples' expensive homes slowly disappearing into a beige blur. The blue of the sky above and below her. 

“Ms Toni the suit will not be able to handle the altitude if you keep going at this speed.”

“Well let’s see how far?”

“I must object to this course of action.”

Toni didn’t answer. JARVIS didn’t have any idea, he couldn’t feel what she did. 

 

The display started sending warning the shielding of the armour was failing the suite was icing over. The screen glitched and Toni felt herself falling from the sky. Panic rose in her chest swirling with the downward yank of gravity. But all Toni could do was stare at the azure sky above her. Letting the world fall around her breathing in and out as best she could. Toni smiled when JARVIS came back online and she could engage the thrusters.

 

“Well, now we have a baseline, and readings to know how to compensate,” Toni said, hoping to keep JARVIS from being too mad at her.

“Though I am sure we could have found that information with less extreme testing,” JARVIS said his attempt at impartial AI falling as Toni was aware he would be sighing and raising an eyebrow if he had a face.

“Sometimes you gotta run before you can walk,” Toni said as she took off the armour.

"That does not make any sense" JARVIS sighed.

 

Toni walked in to see Pepper staring at her.

“What are you doing?” Pepper said.

“Flying.” Toni shrugged.

 

Pepper just nodded looking deeply unsure. Toni was glad she had decided to just go along with Toni on this one, probably reserving judgement until she knew what was actually going on because then she could have specific points to point out how wrong Toni was.

##  ~~~~~

Toni stood on her new landing pad looking at the suite her eyes running over the burning red flames of the bodywork as they danced in the gleam of the setting sun off the metal. It was part protection, part weapon, part desperation and part grief. The red of a Phoenix growing from the ashes of her destroyed life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and tell me what you think, please.   
> And I hope I kept the plot going without it dragging.


	32. Into The Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past Child Abuse, past sexual abuse, physical assault, emotional abuse, misogynistic slurs, referenced war, referenced self-harm 
> 
> [Playlist for this story](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)  
> Songs:  
> 100-102

Toni was woken up by butterfingers tapping her shoulder frantically.  
“What’s up baby boy?” Toni said sitting up.  
The holo display was showing a bunch of messages from Obie, flashing urgently.  
“JARVIS summarize messages,” Toni said waving her hand.  
“Mr Stane is requesting your presence at the Maria Stark Foundation dinner tomorrow night.”  
“Whyyyyy” Toni whined curling around her bucky bear.

And yeah she still had the bear because fuck she had nightmares and it helped. So screw that voice in her head informing she was twenty-two years old and should grow the fuck up.

Butterfingers had gone from frantic taping to a calm stroke on her shoulder. U brought her a partially crushed soda and Dum-E not wanting to be left out came over too. Toni petted his head sitting all the way up. Her little boys were so sweet.

“Did you tell the Bots to be extra nice to me?” Toni asked  
“I assumed you would be sad to not be able to spend all of tomorrow testing Mark III”  
“I will be yeah, but I’ll take it out soon. I’ll be okay.”  
“I’m also not pleased with you seeing Mr Stane tomorrow.”  
“You’re not pleased with me seeing him ever? I mean it’s not like it’s a big deal” Toni said drinking the warm coke with only a small lip curl when sticky soda sloshed on her.  
“That is accurate, I’d prefer you cut contact”  
“You can’t control me,” Toni shot back.  
“I am aware of this,” JARVIS replied icily  
“I know bud. I mean I don’t want to go. Sorry, I shouted” Toni said feeling slightly sheepish knowing her emotional response showed it was absolutely a big deal.  
“But you will.”  
“Yeah, I will.”

Toni got dressed for the part. Something simple but effective, she did her hair so it looked like put together movie star instead of a mad scientist. Put on lipstick and all the rest. Of course, her dress had sleeves she still had the dumb habit of scratching her skin to a point that Pepper threatened to super glue oven mitts on her hands.

Arriving a million and one reporters snapped shots but she just walked through repeating to herself that if she could build a heart in a cave, kill terrorists and fly of course she could walk through paparazzi.

Toni made it to the top floor, the people with the most liberal cheque books hung there. Toni had attempted to update these things people look like modern socialites now and not like they were trying to be Victorian or some nonsense. As a factor of this, there was a lot more dancing that the queen would find scandalizing. But people still slipped into alcoves if they wanted to make out and bathrooms if they wanted to fuck.

Toni spotted Pepper chatting up a few people with her PR face on. A smile crossed Toni's face when Pepper spotted her.  
“Ms Stark fancy meeting you here.”  
“Well, it’s my name on all of it. And people paid to have a party so I might as well be here.”  
“Technically it’s your mother's name, and you hate these.”  
“I might hate it less if anyone here ever gave a fuck about homeless kids.”  
“I’m pretty sure you're the one who once said you don’t care about children.”  
“At least I was honest! These people pretend to care, and for your information, I actually fixed some of these foundations policies now most of the money is used to do shit. I’m trying to not be as much of a total douchebag.”  
“I know Toni. I do. I personally took an interest in this gala, even if you didn’t come I figured you cared enough to want it not to fail”  
“You're amazing you know that right Ms Potts?” Toni looked at her with a smile meeting Peppers expression and blushing when Pepper matched her smile.  
“I know I’m amazing.”  
“How much extra work would I be giving the PR team if we dance?” Toni asked.  
“Well I'd like to dance, so people can just grow up,” Pepper said with a shrug.

Walking on to the dance floor they shifted into the slow song that filled the whole room. Toni just looked at Pepper. Pepper’s smile, her warm hands and god her eyes made Toni’s heartbeat so hard it was banging up against her rib cage. Toni felt her chest and cheeks flush but the feeling wasn’t accompanied by nausea or the overwhelming feeling of dread or well impending demise like normal.

Right now she felt more like she hoped the moment would never stop. But it did and the music stopped and Pepper smiled at her and gestured to go to the wall.

“I have to go check with some planners. Have something to eat but please go easy on the champagne okay?”  
“I haven’t been drinking. My charm has been all me.” Toni drawled.  
Pepper gave her a genuinely concerned look but quickly replaced it with a smile and left. Why Toni not drinking would give her that expression was beyond comprehension.

Toni wandered around surrounded by people who wanted something from her and thought being dramatically ‘sympathetic’ would get it. Toni had to admit a few of the people who had known her since she was a kid seemed to have some actual compassion but still gave her a patronizing smile and shoulder pat.

Eventually, someone interesting came up to her. She was fantastically pretty though not like Pepper, which made Toni bite her tongue she couldn’t think of Pepper like that she was an employee and way too good for Toni. Though this girl could be fun, Toni hadn’t had sex in a while could be nice.

“Hello, Ms Stark.” She said the smile on her lips did not reach her eyes.  
“How are you?” Toni said giving her best charming look leaning against the wall.  
“I’m Christine Everhart I work for vanity fair.”  
“Lovely but I’m not really in an interview kind of mood.”  
“Haven't been since you announced you’re closing the weapons division.”  
“Yeah. I was what, do they call it? Convalescing.” Toni waved her hand nonchalantly but her eyes narrowed.  
“Were you serious about stopping weapons sales? You have a history of not really caring who you hurt.”  
“Yes, I am. I don’t want to hurt people like that again.” Toni shifted her gaze so there was sharp eye contact.  
“Well, there are reports of Stark weapons being used in Gulmira by Ten Rings.”  
“Wait what” Toni stood up straight and took a step back, “are you sure?”

The phone placed in her hand showed an occupied village. Toni then remembered something that made her want to start screaming that was Yinsens village. There were bodies that hadn’t even been buried when the picture was taken.

“I didn't authorize these sales.” Toni said glad her voice was cold and not dripping with grief that flooded through her brain.“I’ll put a stop to this. That you can print, I didn’t want these people dead.”

Toni was filled with anger and confusion, who would do that? Well to be fair, most of the people at SI would probably do it so it was more of who had the balls to make the sale. Finally, she saw Obie and rushed over, he could fix it

“Obie, can we talk?” Toni said softly.  
“Of course beautiful.” He replied, and Toni shivered the words not feeling as comforting as they once had.  
“Obie, someone is still selling weapons, my weapons.” Toni said, “to Ten Rings, the dudes who too me. What do you know about it?”  
“Why would I know something?”  
“Nothing happens at the company without you knowing.” Toni countered  
“You overestimate me. I couldn’t know everything at SI. I'm flattered you think I could. But, no one is that clever.”  
“Right,” Toni mumbled and staggered away.

Toni left quickly the knot in her stomach and incoming headache making staying there a moment longer feel impossible.  
But once she got home she realised she knew who was probably selling them, or at the very least turning a blind eye. Obie had to know what was going on, he always knew everything and had to control everything in his domain. From the weapons to her.

“JARVIS I need Mark III”  
“We haven’t tested that yet.”  
“Does it seem like I care right now!” Toni shouted.

Flying this time was less fun than the other times. Her rage, nausea, fear and sadness kept cycling but it kept her awake enough. Toni flew for what felt like forever she got to her destination. She did the only thing she could and started firing killing all the Ten Rings she saw she detonated the remaining material away from the town. After the energy left her body she turned around all the Terrorist's bodies on the ground. The whole area consumed by blood and flames. But the people came back out they were scared, dusty a few a bit bloody but alive. And Toni she knew, she had to do that, she’d do it see the death, take the hits if it meant someone else got to survive. Her hands were already dripping in others blood, she should at least try and do something in return save someone.

Toni faltered for a second then saluted the dazed people and took off.

**~~~~~**

Once she got home she crashed inside wearing her armour and was met with a gobsmacked Rhodey.  
“Oh ah hello.” She said as the armour came off.  
“What the fuck are you doing!” He shouted.  
“Saving people.” Toni tried to shout back but it came out strangled the tiredness now stronger than any anger.  
She fell forward hard into Rhodey’s arms. The adrenalin cash made her muscles go limp.  
“What are you doing?” He said softer lowering them both onto the couch.  
“Stark weapons were being used to kill civilians I ... I stopped them.” Toni explained.  
“In a flying metal man?”  
“Metal armour,” Toni explained.  
“You're something else Toni Stark.”  
Toni barked a laugh and soaked up the comfort of Rhodey’s arms.

When Pepper arrived it was down to brass tax, Toni wasn’t exactly pleased to have to ask so much of her PA, her friend, but no one else is trustworthy.

“Pepper, someone is still making and selling Stark weapons,” Toni told her.  
“I’m sorry Toni,” Pepper said  
“Doesn’t matter. But we have to stop this. I’m gonna ask for something, you might not like. Can you get into Obie’s computer? He knows something.”  
“I’ll try.” Pepper nodded solemnly.  
“I did tell you would only have to do illegal things you wanted so if,”  
“I want to do this.”  
Toni gave a weak smile, one that any person would know was a terrible attempt at reassurance.

Toni was waiting in her living room looking at information about sales, but she was preoccupied with hoping Pepper was okay, she had to be okay. Toni didn’t want to live without Pepper, she was significantly attached even if she wished she wasn’t.

Toni jumped when she heard footsteps come up behind her then a shock ran through her body causing her to violently convulse, collapsed forward and then go still. Obie was standing over her with a huge hungry and sick grin. A look that haunted her nightmares. He spun a Stark taser in one hand, one designed to paralyze.

“Oh Antonia, you know you really should have just partied, been a pretty drugged-out little rich girl. But no, of course not you had to fight back, had to make waves, make a scene. SI was mine had been for years, but no you were just too entitled. Or was it simply to get my attention? you've done that so well since you were a little girl. Always doing anything just to get some love. Howard and Maria really fucked you up, made you broken before I even got there. You’re just a little whore with daddy issues, so desperate for someone to care. And there I was, finally someone you got to care about you. But here you are still seeking the approval of me and your long-dead father, I don’t think you even know the difference anymore. You just have to try so hard to be loved, the love I gave you wasn’t enough you had to make everything harder for us."

Toni felt ill her body fighting to move, fighting to do anything. Her mind was in panic mode staring at the face that had once been home, now showing only disgust and anger. Still pinning her down but now there wasn't even the facade of love.

“You see, no one but you seems to be able to make these tiny arc reactors which is a damn shame. But I guess in the end it was good Ten Rings used you instead of the murder I requested. Now I have a suite to fight in, a weapon that nobody else has. and something to power it. You could be useful one last time, a final way you could impress me, show me how much you love me.”

Toni wanted to scream when his hand closed around the arch reactor slowly pulling it from her chest. As she felt the reactor snap and disconnect from inside her. With his hands still plunged inside his lips grazed hers. Pulling back he laughed softly looking at her life dully glowing in his palm. God, it was this surreal experience made too real by the dual burning of the gaping hole in her chest and the deep betrayal.

“Oh, by the way, your little friend Ms Potts where might she be? I’ll have to dispose of her. Knows too much, and of course, can’t have the one person loyal to you left in SI. Goodbye, my beautiful Antonia.” He kissed the top of her head and turned walking out the door. Leaving Toni to die.

A sickening poetic murder the man who twisted her whole life with a fucked form of love, leaving her there dying with the ghost of his lips on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was intense guys, it was rough to write but I think i hope it was good. 
> 
> Plas let me know what you guys think~  
> We get the Ironmonger Vs Iron Queen/Men battle next!
> 
> PS: Have any of you ever checked out the playlist? And do any of you know how to make it a hyperlink?


	33. A Poetic Murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Graphic depictions injury, Canon typical violence, past child abuse, past sexual abuse, death, descriptions of anxiety, descriptions of dissociation 
> 
> [Playlist Link](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT)
> 
> Songs: 103 & 104

Toni slid to the ground, thoughts tumbling in her brain.  She had to save Pepper, had to stop Obie. Yanking herself forward every part of her body was on fire and tears ran down her face causing her to choke and gag on the mucus. 

Her body slid painfully down the stairs to her lab. Some spark in her wanting to live enough to keep moving. Breath came painfully and her heart banged erratically against her ribs. Nausea ran through her, she spat out acid from her mouth. Dragging her body on the cold tile just thinking about Pepper, Rhodey, keep them safe, keep them safe.

 

Finally, she saw what she had been searching for. The old reactor on a shelf. Toni knew she’d never get that far or reach that high. She wanted to scream but all she could manage was a pathetic whimper.

 

 Fuck how sick dying here at the hand of the man she'd loved, trusted, wanted to care about her. He fucking killed her with a goddamn kiss. Or to be more honest, he’d started killing her the first time he laid his hands on her, stuck his penis in her. She growled a gurgling, despairing noise and stopped moving, gasping breaths. Not even JARVIS here, no one to help,. Oh well, it had always been that way with Obie.

 

Swirling thoughts of sickening misery were broken when U came over and dropped the reactor in front of her. Toni let out a harsh laugh, able to choke out, "thanks baby boy."

 

The reactor now had oil stains from U’s grasp. Toni fumbled her fingers not quite working but the light started to shine. Beeping and whirring from Dummy and Butterfingers started up. Dummy’s mechanical arm steadied her shaking body. Placing the object hurt like a mother fucker. Not as bad as ripping it out but the inflamed slightly blood hole didn’t enjoy having dirty sweaty stained metal shoved inside. 

 

A few harsh breaths later Toni’s heart started to beat stronger, and a bit slower. Butterfingers's hands rubbed her back as she laid there chest rising and falling even if she felt half dead.

 

Moments later to her relief, JARVIS booted up. Lights flickering and her screens shining their comforting blue light. It helped her mind believe she might just live long enough to save her family, and stop it. 

 

“Ms Toni!” JARVIS voice rang out. “I’m sorry I was unable to warn you something shorted out my systems I had to do a reboot.”

“It’s okay J, It's okay” Toni let out with her heavy breaths, “Please get the suites ready, have to help Pepper.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni wasn’t sure how she did it, but the next thing she knew she was racing toward the location JARVIS had relayed. Stark Tower, made sense he had been chasing after Pepper. Toni halted mid-air when she saw Obie standing on the roof in his bastardization of the armour. It wasn’t beautiful, strong, elegant or anything just cold grey panels like a gun. Made for murder, not for freedom, it made her feel revolted, disgusted, and petrified. 

 

“Toni” Jarvis’s voice came through.

“Right, got to get running,” Toni said. Her thoughts racing, where was pepper? How she was she going to stop him?

 

Toni came to hover in front of him.

“You never just fucking die do you girl?” Obie sneered.

Toni focused on the goal pretending that didn’t sting. Save Pepper, stop Obie, save Pepper, stop Obie.

“You’re not going to win.” Toni choked out glad when JARVIS played it outside she had scrubbed the stutter. 

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, I'm going to stop you,” 

“Oh, you would never do that.”

“Watch me you bastard,” Toni shouted. Her voice not quivering this time.

 

Obie lunged at Toni shoving her backwards with a slamming repulsor beam to the chest. Her mind seemed to partially check out as she tried to fight him back, stop him. But the new reactor in his chest was more powerful, the suite made for smacking people around,  he was still stronger.

 

Toni shot a beam back sending him spinning. But then she watched as Obie crushed a car under his body weight standing back up like it was nothing. Toni felt sick, what if people were in there? And he had already hurt Pepper, and she hadn't saved her yet.

 

 Failure was not an option, she would not submit this time, she would not, could not let him win. 

 

Every time he tried to use someone as a shield or weapon Toni stopped to help them first. It felt like playing defence but no one else needed to get hurt no one else would die that night. Obie slammed face-first into a telephone pole after Toni dodged his attack. Toni took in a long breath as Obie righted himself in the suite.  Before he could get another tack in she let out a scream and flew directly into him.

 

Toni put her hands on the sides of his head and let out two beams. Leaving him dazed and spinning out, she raced back to the tower.

 

Toni felt a quick swoop in her stomach seeing that Pepper was alive. But was kneeling next to a half fixed and overloading arc reactor flanked by guards, so not safe yet.

 

“Pepper are you okay?” Toni called out

“Will be.” Pepper said her face tear-streaked and flush. 

Toni shot down the guards around Pepper, they flopped on the ground. Think Toni, think, Obie would win if they just went shot for shot. She glanced at the glowing reactor in the base of the building. Maybe, the energy from an explosion, it might just work. Disable the suite completely, maybe disable Obie too.

“Overload it Pep. It will turn into a bomb.” Toni shouted.

“That would kill you too!” Pepper called.

“I know that Pep, I’ll get out of the way. Can you do it or not?”

“Yes, I can.”

“Then do it!” Toni shouted

“Don’t die, Toni,” Pepper said, barely audible

"Stay safe Pep, please"

 

 It didn’t take much to lead him back here he was already chasing her. and of fucking course, he was almost back to her before she had time to get to the top of the tower. There Obie was her ever presents soul-sucking shadow. 

 

The two exhausted suites of armour stood on the roof of the company that had shaped and moulded both of their lives for so long. Unknowingly leading them right to this point. 

 

Funny thought that, who would have thought way back then, they’d be here maybe dying together. “Antonia meet Mr Obidiah Stane, my business partner” Howards gruff voice said.

“Nice to meet you, you're just as beautiful as your mother,” Obidiah said.

His hand taking hers.

 

In the present, Toni's hand felt dirty. Ears ringing with so many voices from the past. Her name, insults, sweet nothings playing over and over. 

 

Staring straight at him, her glowing golden eyes looked into the dark slits across from her. Obie was coming towards her, a noise like a laugh coming from the square mouth. Cruel sensations of Deja Vu came over her, him staring her down and her just letting him advance but this time would be different. 

 

Now she had armour, and she wasn’t a helpless little girl anymore. He wasn’t going to fuck around with her ever again.

 

Toni swore under her breath and took a step forward with her hands turned weapon raised against him. 

 

“Wanna see how well these fly you bastard?” Toni taunted. She shot up as fast as she could, his suite would fail too high up, it had to. The model was older than this. He had built his suite for chaos and death Toni’s were built for freedom. 

 

To her glee, he iced and started crashing down. The hulking mass of man and violence falling to earth rigid and cold. He’d only stay frozen from a minute, the rest had to happen fast. 

 

They both hit the roof of SI. The arch reactor inside the building was reaching an overload filling the air with a maddening buzzing noise, smart Pepper. Toni stood on the roof feeling slightly dazed by the crashed armour and consuming noise. At the last second, she jumped off the edge. 

 

The pulse knocked into her still. Her own suite half shorted out. A zapping crackling noise filled her ears, the HUD fritzed out.

 

When the pulse subsided she landed back on the roof and looked hard at Obie. The armour had fallen apart around him was just in a heap on the cracked dust-covered concrete. The display showed her he was still alive, the armour must have still shielded him enough. 

 

Toni knew she should have put him in jail or something. But she didn’t want to, a sick part of her was glad he was dying in front of her. Toni grabbed the reactor from the scraps. Stepping back she raised her hand and shot the beam. Obie's body Jerked violently and then was completely still.

 

Toni took off her mask and stood over him. She let out a manic sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. Tears ran fast from her eyes and she fell to all fours breath coming it lung burning gasps. 

 

It was done, the fight was finished.

Pulling herself up she got to the edge of the building. Slowly she guided herself down to the ground landing roughly stumbling forward. Her head swam dizzy Pepper rushed forward wrapping her in a tight hug catching Toni's body before she slammed face down.

Toni’s vision was swimming, the ground was spinning under her feet. Her vision was clear enough to notice that Pepper’s mouth was moving and words were likely coming out. But a never-ending ringing in her ears drowned everything else out. The world felt like it was turning into soup and Toni couldn’t really tell what was going on. Numbness overtook her and the fear and adrenaline gave way to exhaustion.

Her body swayed the armour feeling very heavy. A touch guided her over to a wall, fighting with herself the world came into focus enough she noticed the reactor she was holding and saw Pepper's worried face framed by messy hair. Stiffly Toni placed the reactor in Pepper’s hand, unsure exactly what else to do. 

“Are you here?” Pepper said waving her hand in front of Toni’s face.

“Oh, ah, yes,” Toni mumbled shaking her head, trying to get the static to dissipate.

“What the fuck were you thinking? You could have died!”

“I had to save you. And I almost died anyway.” 

“What do you mean? What happened? Are you going to be okay? Where’s Stane? Are you hurt?”

“It’s all over I promise. And hey, I’ll live I only had my heart ripped out.” The words taste of ash and blood, a pulse of pain shot through her. 

A moment later everything went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was one of the hardest chapters for me to write. I'm not usually an action scene writer, that's been the hardest part with this series because well, Comic books stories have shooty scenes. 
> 
> But I am pretty proud of it still! 
> 
> Let me know what you thought!


	34. Only My Heart Was Ripped Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past child sexual abuse, past rape, injuries, descriptions of flashbacks, descriptions of panic attacks
> 
> [ Playlist Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_Ss2QjXfSlEG-3KvMHEtXjCT) 
> 
> Songs 105-108 [end]

Toni woke up, Pepper was standing over her in what looked like a tent. She was out of her armour. She sat up quickly, placing her hand on her reactor and breathing quickly. 

“Who took the armour!” Toni yelled

“Toni, don’t worry Happy took the armour.” Pepper said bending down and holding her hand. 

“Oh good, thanks, can we go home please?”

“Hell no!” Rhodey’s voice said.

“Rhodey?” Toni’s head whipped around to see Rhodey standing in the tent door flap, thingy. Course he was here, her Rhodey. 

“Hey baby girl.”

“Why can’t I go home?” Toni pouted

“Ah don’t give me that look, You need a doctor!”

 

Toni wanted to fight, but to be honest, she was exhausted and really ought to get it checked if she had internal bleeding or some shit that was going to kill her right away. Not to mention everything suddenly seemed to be spinning in front of her. 

  
Rhodey dragged her to the doctor leaving her in a nauseous haze, head injuries and cars aren’t the best friends. She needed to make the headpiece fit tighter, less impact. 

 

She got some scans and she had no internal bleeding, a concussion, a fractured wrist and a sprained ankle. They had no idea, no idea what to do to look at her heart, but Toni promised it was totally normal and would see someone who knew, and they let her go. With the doctors saying they’d done all they could Rhodey decided she could go home. 

 

Toni had never wanted to just lay down more in her life, which was saying something because shit had gotten real a lot. 

## ~~~~~~

The next morning Toni was eating her cereal wrapped in a blanket working very hard to not think about what went down in this very place not 24 hours ago. 

 

Toni was listening as Rhodey told her about how the police and some shady government types had done the cleanup. Peper explained the things the press was saying, and what needed to be said at the press conference about the connection of the fight and SI. 

 

“Ms Toni, Agent-Agent is at the door. Should I grant him entrance?” JARVIS asked

“Yeah, why not,” Toni said sighing putting her bowl down.

 

At least that explained what really happened, it was SHIELD, going to make it all go away. 

 

“Hey Agent-Agent,” Toni said, “Long time no see. Uncle Nicky send you?

“Wait you know him?” Pepper said confused.

“My name is Agent Coulson. I did Business With her father years ago. And technically everything I do is for Director Fury.” Agent-Agent replied.

“All these years later and you’re still second best.” Toni clicked her tongue and shook her head.

“You're SHIELD.” Pepper said annoyed, “You were not SHIELD when I talked to you. He was the guy who answered when I called in the suspicious sales info I found from Stane.”

“Ms Potts, I’m whoever I need to be,” Agent-Agent said.

 

“Like Howard’s most favourite. You never did play with Fido like uncle Nicky.” Toni was feeling like being annoying, she not only had fun doing but she needed to not think right then. “But I guess that’s just how you do in your boring self, though I have to admit being on to Obie was smart of you. Taping SI phones I assume?”

 

“Yes that was part of the plan, make sure it’s us involved.”

“Of course. Why are you here now?” Toni said placing her head in her palm. 

“I have a statement for the press conference. SHIELD will help hide your secret keep everything quite not cause a stir. We’ve already got it covered that Stane died in the attack and that the explosion was an accident and not deliberate.” Agent-Agent explained

“Isn’t it always on the DL? Doesn’t matter if someone is a murderer, terrorist, abuser whatever. It's always about what SHIELD wants.” Toni muttered, taking a sip of the lukewarm coffee. 

## ~~~~~

Toni walked on the stage at the Iron Queen press conference. Everyone started shouting questions about what was being called Iron Man because of course, it was. The lighting and constant flashes were going to give her a fucking migraine. 

 

 Toni stared down at the statement and then she smiled. Yeah, that was not going to work, was it?

 

“So everyone should know. It’s female flying armour, so not a man, really just because you can’t jack off to it it has to be a man? I mean come on guys. Also, it’s just a total failure of imagination, “iron man” like we can’t even be a little bit creative. Serial killers get better names! Hel sometimes hurricanes get better names” Toni rambled, “ Personally I think Iron Queen is a much better name, and I should get to name it. Because the truth is, I am the Iron Queen.” Toni grinned a bright smile as the camera flashed news crew shouted and reports begged for answers. 

 

“Calm down everyone I mean, seriously.” Toni joked, “one at a time.”

 

After some rapid-fire answers to questions that gave away just enough information to shut them up, she was done. Toni blew a kiss and walked off the stage. She was rather pleased with the gobsmack looks on Pepper and Agents Faces.

 

“Did you really expect me to do as I was told? No one gets to make me anything anymore.” Toni said with a smile that was all teeth. She walked without a second glance to the press or the agents. Happy opened the door to the waiting car without her even missing a step. 

“So, guess the cats out of the bag,” Pepper said, giving Toni quite the glare.

“Oh, of course, we are on a whole other level now.” Toni sighed

 

Pepper burst out laughing and Toni grinned, gosh she was cute, but Toni was right life would never be the same now. Better enjoy this nice moment. 

## ~~~~~

Toni was in her kitchen drinking a nice cup of coffee. Music blasted into the room and Toni looked over new armour stats. She was working on Mark IV, most importantly she was improving shielding and adding better weapons. Maybe flares too, possible that could act like fireworks if she got bored. Maybe changing up the panelling?

 

The music turned down and Toni looked up, “Hey! Why'd you do that I like that song?”

“Ms Toni. I would like to inform you Director Fury is here.” JARVIS said over the noise.

 

Toni closed down her project quickly ad turned to face her uncle. 

 

“Hello, Toni.” Fury’s voice called.

“Hey, Uncle Nicky. What's up?” 

“So the whole world knows your the Iron Queen. Couldn’t just go under the radar huh?” 

“Yeah, I’m one for the theatrical.” Toni did jazz hands threw her feet on the other bar stool.

“Then I have a proposition.”

“Sure ya do”

“ You're not the only one out there with extraordinary skills.”

“Aww, I’m extraordinary?” Toni teased trying to get a rise the solemn-faced man.

“It’s called the Avengers initiative. Get people like you who make your own toys, or were born mutant or latter enhanced.”

“Like Professor X’s Mutants or Steve?”

“What do you know about the professor?”

“You need better shielding for the SHIELD network.”

“Fine. And yes that’s a general idea.”

“And what pray tell shall we be avenging?”

“You would work under SHIELD act as a strike force when other people with higher level knowledge and skills are in play.”

“So you’d be my boss. Use me and my armour for your petty squabbles. I’m your good little soldier?”

“So to speak. Your armour is one asset allows you to hold your own. But your knowledge in other fields would be useful as well.”

 

Toni’s heart flopped and she felt anger rise in her. Of course, he wanted her to do what he wanted. To just use her like everybody fucking else. Manipulation and flattery that bastard. Toni stood up and faced him.

 

“No.” She said. Toni didn’t care at that moment she only reached his chest.

“Toni think this through. You can be a part of something bigger.”

“No fucking way are you using me like everybody else. You know I thought you were my friend, or at least better than the others but of course your not. Your just some other man on a fucking power trip.”Toni words were hot and felt like they were pouring from her mouth way too fast. But the anger fueled her she would not let him use her. She did not want to be hurt again.

 

“Antonia Stark I am trying to help. Trying to find something for you to do that will matter.”

“I don’t want your help anymore, not when you just want a puppet.” 

 

Before Toni could stop herself she pushed him back harshly. There wasn’t any real power behind the blow but it just felt right. Tears crested her eyes. She just saw flashes of Obie, Raza, Ty, Howard. Felt flowing water burning her lungs, harsh hands on her body, blood in her hands' slick white fluids on her stomach. Heard bombs going off, Obie's sweet nothings and her parents yelling.

Her brain was hitting her with grief and heartache so she shoved him even harder this time he actually tipped backwards. Everything was so loud and her body hurt. The world swam in cold water and sweaty skin all at once.

 

Toni was surprised when she had arms wrapped around her waist, she flailed then glanced up at a worried Rhodey who was holding her back. Nicky looked unmoved, god why wasn’t he mad, why wasn’t he hurting, how could he be okay? He should break the fuck down too, it wasn't fair everyone else got to be fine.

 

“I think I need you to leave,” Rhodey stated his voice calm.

“I'm sorry.” Fury said stiffly and left.

 

Rhodey guided Toni to the couch. Toni sat her tears now failing silently.

“What happened?” Rhodey asked gently holding Toni’s cheek in his palm.

“Nicky he just wants to use me like everybody else,” Toni said barely above a whisper.

“What does he want?”

“Me to be SHIELD’s flying metal monkey,” Toni said bitterness dripped from every word.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why does everyone want something. Ten Rings, The board, boyfriends, Obie, everyone.”

“I don’t know Toni. It seems a bit cruel right after what Obie did to ask that of you. He just wanted your inventions and weapons too.”

 

Toni was suddenly hit with the idea that nobody knew what Obie had really done. It was her secret, well JARVIS too. The other Jarvis had known but he was long dead. She glanced up to Rhodey’s face, her Rhodey. 

 

“Obie didn't just take my tech Rhodey or get me blown up. He... well he started when I was little he felt me up you know? Like sexually and we had sex, I didn’t want to I swear, or I don’t think did. I mean I didn’t really get it you know?  But we did and oh god Rhodey it lasted so long I don’t even know.” Toni devolved into silence avoiding really looking at Rhodey’s horrified expression. 

“He raped you?’ Rhodey’s voice was echoing Toni’s own confusion.

“I don’t know. I mean he always said he loved me, and I loved him.”

“Ms Toni permission to break the order you have me under?” JARVIS asked.

“Okay?” Toni said. She wasn’t even sure really anymore. Her mind was full of static.

“Yes Mr Rhodes, Mr Stane did rape Toni. That man sexually abused her for years.” Jarvis said firmly.

 

Words tried to rise from her throat but came out strangled. Not able to get anything else out mind filling with the same twisted silence that plagued her whole life. Rhodey wrapped his arms around Toni. Who collapsed into his chest they sat for a long while and Toni eventually succumbed to exhaustion. 

 

Rhodey placed Toni so she was laying on his lap. Her face was calmer than it ever was when she was awake. God, she looked so young, but to Rhodey she was always a kid, his kid sister. She was A hot rod red armour wearing,  terrorist killing genius but also a scared girl who had been hurt too much by way too many people. She grew up way too fast, and she never grew up at all. 

 

“JARVIS? do you know how long that went on?” Rhodey whispered.

“I believe it started when she was ten. That is extrapolated from the information I have as Toni never shared much information with me on the subject. I know it ended when she was about to turn twenty-one.”

“Oh, baby girl,” Rhoey said finally he couldn’t hold back the tears. He hated the thought of Toni being so young and someone decided they could hurt her like that.  How could someone do any of that to a kid? And rage filled him that no one had stopped it, that he hadn’t. God if he wasn’t already dead Rhodey knew he would be killing Stane right now.

## ~~~~~

Toni woke up to Rhodey holding her tightly as he watched some cartoons on the TV.

“Rhodey?” She said blearily.

“Hey, Tones.”

“I’m sorry about earlier. Or yesterday I’m not sure. I was such a mess” Toni brushed her hair behind her ear. 

“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who needs to be sorry I would have never let you go back to him if I’d known, I let you down.”

 

“No Rhodey you didn’t.” Toni shook her head, trying to get Rhodey to hear her the last thing she wanted was to hurt Rhodey. “I mean I could have done something anyway if wanted it to stop. I know I never did. I love him, oh god, and I don't even know. I’m just a slut anyway so.”

“Toni stop. JARVIS says it started when you were ten. Nothing a kid does makes it okay to do that to them. And you were never a slut you got that? What Stone or Stane said and what the press spouts it means nothing okay?”

“I was ten with the other stuff like making out and feeling me up but we never had sex till I was eleven.” Toni was unsure why she needed to correct it.

“Toni sweetheart that’s not sex he was abusing you.” Rhodey took her hands in his. Toni glanced down seeing the angry red marks she had been digging into her skin.

“Does it matter?” Toni glanced up.

“It does because you need to get this. Nothing he did is on you. I know how destructive you get and I need you here with me. You can’t blame yourself, you can’t hurt yourself again. We need you here with us.”

“He told me it was a secret because I was beautiful. He loved me, I loved him” Toni didn’t understand why Rhodey was so mad, but she also felt this crushing sadness, anger and guilt. 

 

“If you heard a man a grown man was having sex with an eleven-year-old what would you do?”

“Kill them,” Toni shrugged eventually she met Rhodey’s eyes and just god it was confusing “oh, I mean I know it’s illegal or whatever. But I mean by the end I was an adult. And I wanted it”

“Toni, a kid can not want sex. And someone who's basically your father should not be touching you like that even if you were an adult. He was raping you, and I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he can't do that shit ever again.”

 

“I killed him.” Toni whispered, “I didn’t want him to hurt anyone, I didn’t want to be small.”

“That’s okay Toni it was a battle, and I doubt many people would begrudging killing him anyway.”

Toni choked out a laugh.

“From what I gather everyone hated him anyway. And apparently, for a very good reason, he’s a fucking scumbag.”

“Definitely a jerk” Toni said through chattering teeth, her body was shivering and felt sticky.

“Stay here for a second. JARVIS talk to her.” Rhodey walked away.

 

“Ms Toni I’m, I’m glad you have started to talk about this.” JARVIS praised

“I’m Sorry JARVIS for putting the gag order on you so long it was a dick move.”

“I’m glad you are not in danger from him, that is what matters. I know it was because you were frightened.” JARVIS said in a soft soothing voice. This kind of compassion that was unique to this JARVIS, her creation who took care of her. It worked to make her relax a bit.

“Thanks, J. I am sorry, I really am sorry really am,” Toni said closing her eyes.

“No need to be sorry Ms Toni,” Jarvis said in a firm tone.

 

A small wave of calm washed over her when she opened her eyes and saw Rhodey coming over with a large pile of blankets and clothes. 

He pulled off Toni’s shirt and handed her the package of baby wipes. The sticky feeling of sweat dissipating under the cool touch. As she started to shiver again Rhodey pulled his MIT sweatshirt over her head. Toni pulled her pants off noting they we stuck to her legs she’d been so sweaty. Loose and soft pyjama pants felt so nice. Then Rhodey wrapped blankets around her and sat on the couch next to her.

 

“Thanks, platypus,” Toni said leaning her head on his shoulder her breath came out raspy her throat sore from crying. 

“Wanna watch some Star Trek?” Rhodey said kissing her hair.

“Yeah sounds nice.”

 

The next day and a half were spent curled on the couch. Toni woke up with a start but was greeted by JARVIS’s voice going through info date, time, location, weather.

“What are you doing that for J?” Toni wondered.

“I believe it can help ground you, may be useful when you wake from nightmares.”

“Learn that in your research?”

“Yes.”

Toni smiled then frowned when Rhodey knelt in front of her.

“I have to go Toni.” Rhodey said looking at his phone, “Stay any longer might get in trouble, only so much time I can finagle even when they are lenient considering they need you.”

“Okay Rhodey Bear, I’m all better” She smiled softly trying to give him a vote of confidence.

“Yeah, sure Baby girl. But Happy and Pepper will be here real soon. To help watch over you.”

“You told them!” Toni shouted she felt fear claw at her throat.

“No Tones. But being almost murdered by a supposed friend is enough for them to understand why I would be worried about you.”

“Alright. Yeah. I’m gonna go visit the bots once you leave.”

“And eat some food?”

“Sure.”

A hug that neither of them wanted to let go of ended all too soon. He left with his stupid green duffel bag on his shoulder to match his stupid green fatigues as he got in a rented car. Watching him go she felt like a wife in a lifetime movie. She scoffed at the image closing the door behind her.  

 

Toni took a breath and walked to the lab the place feeling cold again without the blankets on her shoulders and her Rhodey shaped space heater. Even in the summer, the place felt cold, she wondered if it was just her. Stepping in the lab she felt extremely dizzy, her vision blurred and a ringing white noise filled her ears.  She held her chest and the skin around the reactor felt all wrong. She walked slightly dizzy to her couch. 

 

“Ms Toni I just did a scan, your vitals are out of line,” JARVIS informed Toni his voice sounded concerned.

 

Toni smiled ruefully, “Yeah I Know J. Palladium it’s from the reactor. we’ll work it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finished book one!
> 
> Please tell me what you think, this was over a year in the writing/editing/posting.
> 
> Book two isn't ready to post yet but I've done a lot of the work. 
> 
> I have two short one-shot stories that are in this narrative but didn't fit the flow of the main book so I'll put those up while I get the next book ready to post.

**Author's Note:**

> Besides some of the comic book/movie heavily inspired parts/superhero-ing, the story is based on real-life experiences. The abuse, mental illness etc are heavily lifted from my own experiences and struggles grounded in reality.


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